To drop these "friends" now I've had DC

[needingafairygodmother]

I'm 28, so not a young mum - but feel leaps and bounds ahead of my friends, none of which have even settled down yet.

I used to be a part of a group of 9 girls from school, and would see them regularly, holiday etc etc.

Over the last year, since I had DC, they have been over once (in the first two months of her life) - and we have travelled 2 hours to a birthday event with her to see them all - which was REALLY stressful.

So, now she's 18 months and they've not seen her since the last time I went to their side, even though I've invited back.

I've sent them bday cards, friendly messages and not received a reciprocal card or message for either my or DCs birthday.

I've left it for months now and not once has any of them initiated a conversation.

I regularly see them posting that they're having dinner together and they've been on holiday together a few times. I have been invited to these holidays in wider group messages but they're all extremely expensive (skiing, Greek islands) and things that didn't really fit in with an exclusively breastfeeding baby!!

Maybe it's NYE that makes me think they'll all once again be at it together, and big life events such as weddings and 30th birthdays are going to be happening in 2023... that I haven't once again heard a thing about.

I can't tell now if I'm being petty and resenting them or if this is the way things go and I should just gracefully bow out?

(To add I'm pregnant again and haven't even told them...)

I think this is perfectly normal. I didn't become a mum until 35 due to years of infertility. BILs and SILs all started having babies a couple of years before as did our local friends. As a result of everything outside our control our DCs are younger than everyone else's. This has resulted in IL preferring to see siblings with similar age kids which leaves us out. This used to bug me a lot but now I can't care less. And no one but MiL sends birthday cards, she reminds people if it's someone bday then people may or may not send a message in group chat. Don't expect people to act a certain way and just make your peace with it.

From my experience I lost friends when they started having kids as didn't have anything in common, then made new friends (childless) which I lost contact with after finally getting pregnant despite trying to keep it going and hope to make new friends once DC start school.

You've grown apart and it's as simple as that, no need to assume either is better than the other, your interests no longer align.

How are you STILL not getting it?

You are so brainwashed that you can't even fathom the concept of her friends possibly never wanting children.

You can't be leaps and bounds ahead of someone when you're not necessarily even on the same path as them. If their idea of a perfect life is having the disposable income to go on holidays to Greek islands and go skiing, then they're already where they want to be. They may never want to be where OP is right now. They may want to live like this for years to come. I'm not sure why you're finding this so hard to grasp.

@SalYPimienta completely agree with you on all points!

There is a difference between saying "I'm the first in my friendship group to have children" and "I'm leaps and bounds ahead of my friends".

One is simply factual. The other suggest that she feels she is "ahead" of her friends. Ignoring that having children is not like taking GCSEs at age 12, which clearly would be ahead of the curve, but just one thing that some people choose to do at some point in their lives, and some chose not to do at all. So OP can't be ahead, because it wasn't actually a race.

Thank you everyone who's left kind and constructive comments - you've made me feel much better that this is part of life and that hopefully if I reach out we might be able to rekindle something or to invest more time into other friendships.

I'm really saddened by some of the comments claiming that I think I'm superior to other people because I've had a child. I think I'm more than willing and always try to make sure that DC is not the only topic of my personality, and slightly resent those who are suggesting all young mums become "dull"

"Leaps and bounds" was a totally ridiculous phrase to use - I should have just said it simply that I'm the only one to choose to have Dc this young. Although if people would like to cast judgements on my entire personality based on two anonymous posts on Mumsnet then I guess I can't redeem myself here (even though I admitted before it was the wrong bloomin' phrase!!!!!)

It is part of life, and day to day you will now need some new ‘mum friends’. I really would keep in contact with your existing friends even if just regular messaging for now. Good luck!
I very rarely start threads now, I was ripped apart a few times years ago 😂

There is so, so, so much more to having children than ‘popping out babies’. I say this as someone who has lived abroad in several different countries doing amazing, challenging jobs and was 34 before I became a parent. Nothing has been harder or more challenging than my pregnancy and the first year and couple of months raising my baby. I don’t know why you’re so dismissive of mothers, you certainly have no idea of what you’re talking about so should probably stop it now.

I don't agree with the OP’s grievances, but your attitude is way off and very unnecessarily mean.

You are so brainwashed that you can't even fathom the concept of her friends possibly never wanting children

please have a day off @SalYPimienta. In my OTHER POST i said "most2. Don't be so obtuse, this isn't thread about you and your hangups. OP was aking for friendship advice. I don't care if you have kids or not. Stop reading into every minute sentence because I forgot to add an asterisk of *most to my last comment

And now OP has come back so we can leave the issue.

@WhatAmIDoingWrong123 just because you found being a mother the hardest thing you’ve ever done doesn’t mean that it is the hardest thing all women would find to do. Maybe you just weren’t very good at being a mother? It’s certainly ridiculous- and offensive - to say it is harder and a more worthy thing to have done than other womens non children related jobs and achievements…

I didn’t say that though 😆. I said it was more difficult than ‘popping out babies’ and that I’ve had hard careers in other countries, but that it’s still harder than they were/are and I don’t even find it that hard. My whole post was aimed that ‘popping out babies’ comment made further up the thread that diminishes how difficult looking after our lovely little kids can be. Other people seem to find it much harder than I do, going on all the messages I get from my friends about their lives/children.

Suggesting someone may not be a good mother because they can admit that it’s difficult isn’t something you should do, I can’t believe you’d come out with that, especially to someone you don’t know at all. It’s a strength to admit when things are hard and not something I will ever stop doing, even when other people out there want to use it as a stick to beat me with.

So what? Do you want a medal? Having a baby isn't an achievement. Raising the child you chose to have doesn't make your life harder than someone else's. Perhaps you had an easy, blessed life pre children? Lots of people don't.

I think it would be wildly unwise to ditch your friends permanently over a temporary situation.

One of my friends had her kids at 20, 22 and 25. Now we're 34, and she's raising the roof whilst the grandparents babysit, and we struggle to keep up.

And I haven't had kids whilst the majority have.

But... There's really no such thing as those whole group get togethers any more. There was a falling out between the group in late twenties. I'm closer now to a friend who was my least favourite of the group in our teens. I'm likely to be very close to one of my oldest friends soon, as we're moving to the same area, but at the moment we're not that close.

I was hurt by one friend not choosing me for a bridesmaid, but she has been the biggest champion of me going self employed, and the best support when I was off sick for seven months. I couldn't do it without her.

Life has so much in store for you yet, you have no idea. It would be incredibly stupid to drop friends on the grounds that they're not presently compatible.

I think a bit of communication might help. I was the childless friend and would start off trying to make suggestions to come round and visit etc but the response was often scatty and hard to pin down (I get you have a baby), so I stopped suggesting as the friend with the child would always have a reason why they couldn't and it was often assumed that I had loads of free time and no acknowledgement that last minute cancellations might affect me. But then one day 2 years later, she complained that we never went out and got drinks after work etc...like I was meant to magically mind read what was and was not acceptable for her at different stages of her child's development, and magically know that she could now leave her child with others and wanted a drink every now and then.
Not saying you're like her, but it sounds like maybe you need to let your friends know what sort of things you want to do with them as they're inviting you to stuff you all did before so clearly aren't excluding you, they're just not spending time how you might want to with them.

This happened to me too op. Some of my friendships naturally died out once I had my dc1, I’m now two children in and in the midst of motherhood and some old friends are doing yoga and climbing mountains at the weekend. We just are no longer compatible however I wish them well.

Keep in touch with them and see them when you can even if it's once or twice a year. One day they will settle and will have children and it will turn full circle. This happened with my friends. One married and had children young, and used to organise a Christmas and a summer meet up and now we are all older our children and husbands come too. It's lovely and I'm really grateful she made the effort. 😊

Keep in touch with them and see them when you can even if it's once or twice a year. One day they will settle and will have children and it will turn full circle.

How do you know they will all have children one day? Do you have a crystal ball?

How do you know they will all have children one day? Do you have a crystal ball?

Not sure this needs to be taken quite so literally. Statistically it's likely that of 9 women, some will have children, and the point is that relationships might shift again then so 'dropping' these friends now could be premature.

This is exactly what I was thinking! A bold opening statement!

You're not "ahead" of anyone just because you're settled down first. Life isn't a race.

If it's the first thing you say in a mumsnet post, I think it's a safe bet that your superior attitude has leaked out in conversation...

I had a similar experience with a couple of fairly local friends after I had DS. I couldn't join in spontaneous plans and thus found myself phased out of all plans.

I can't pretend it wasn't hurtful. It really was. But, on reflection, it's easier to cut them out completely than try and maintain a charade of 'friendship'. Cut your losses. The good thing about having young kids is it's easy to meet other 'Mummy friends' at the same stage of life as you. Just go to all the baby groups, preschool events etc and you'll meet new people.

Your posts really did read like you felt superior - as a childfree woman, I always feel judged by women making comments like yours, and if you've said anything like that in real life, your friends will have picked up on it. Not all women go on to have children - I didn't. However, maybe you haven't said anything like this, and maybe you just used one unfortunate turn of phrase on this thread. Let's assume you haven't given out any of those 'I'm a mum, and so I'm better than you' vibes.

Your life has changed. And your childfree friends won't want to know the exact details - one of my friends wanted to update me on her PFB's bowel movements when they were little - but just because they have different interests to you doesn't mean they aren't respectful of your new priorities. It's just you're now living by a different set of rules, and they don't know how to ask what those rules are without also inviting a stream of child conversation that doesn't interest them.

Your friends will continue to make last-minute plans and do things that mums like you just won't want to do. If you want to stay friends with them, you have to make peace with the fact that there will be a part of their lives you will no longer share - at least, not for now. But you can still spend time with each other - it's just you won't be spending as much time with the group. They can't include you in everything, but that doesn't mean they can't include you in anything. You just have to let them know what the rules are, so they can figure out how to accommodate you.

I suggest you send them a group text along the lines of 'It's been ages since I caught up with all of you - how are you fixed for a child-free get-together next month? Let's pick a day that works for everyone so I can get a babysitter sorted. I can't do Mondays or Wednesdays, but any other evening is good for me with a bit of notice, including weekends. So excited to see you all again!'

Make clear when you are available, and also make clear that you're not going to take your baby with you (some of them will wonder but won't want to ask for fear of offending you). If you want these friendships to endure, you still have every chance of that happening - but you have to put the work in. You're the one who went through a massive change - not them. You have to let the group know how they're supposed to deal with this change.

I hope that helps from the other side. It would be a shame to let things drift just because of a lack of communication. All the best, OP.