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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To drop these "friends" now I've had DC

120 replies

needingafairygodmother · 31/12/2022 10:07

I'm 28, so not a young mum - but feel leaps and bounds ahead of my friends, none of which have even settled down yet.

I used to be a part of a group of 9 girls from school, and would see them regularly, holiday etc etc.

Over the last year, since I had DC, they have been over once (in the first two months of her life) - and we have travelled 2 hours to a birthday event with her to see them all - which was REALLY stressful.

So, now she's 18 months and they've not seen her since the last time I went to their side, even though I've invited back.

I've sent them bday cards, friendly messages and not received a reciprocal card or message for either my or DCs birthday.

I've left it for months now and not once has any of them initiated a conversation.

I regularly see them posting that they're having dinner together and they've been on holiday together a few times. I have been invited to these holidays in wider group messages but they're all extremely expensive (skiing, Greek islands) and things that didn't really fit in with an exclusively breastfeeding baby!!

Maybe it's NYE that makes me think they'll all once again be at it together, and big life events such as weddings and 30th birthdays are going to be happening in 2023... that I haven't once again heard a thing about.

I can't tell now if I'm being petty and resenting them or if this is the way things go and I should just gracefully bow out?

(To add I'm pregnant again and haven't even told them...)

OP posts:
KathyCornwall · 31/12/2022 10:41

School groups do tend to split eventually, to some extent. Is there a particular member of the group you were closer with, or was it always the group or nothing? Is there anyone you'd like to stay in touch with from the group?

Edinburghmusing · 31/12/2022 10:43

Interesting that you say that you are “leaps and bounds ahead of them” OP? And you judge them for “not even settling down yet”. Gasp. The horror.

having a child is a different life choice. It is not a better life choice.

theyve kept inviting you out. You’ve said no. You appear to expect them to tailor activities to suit your life choices.

i imagine you have become incredibly dull and self absorbed.

I imagine they are having a fantastic time on their holidays and are very happy that they are so far behind you at life.

find friends who want to do the same things as you do and stop judging people who dontZ

Meseekslookatme · 31/12/2022 10:43

Slobberchops1 · 31/12/2022 10:12

Other peoples baby’s aren’t interesting I’m afraid. They are organising events and meet ups that suit the majority . You can’t expect everyone to go to soft play with you . Just what happens when you are at different stages in life I’m afraid

Unfortunately this.
I had a few friends that had families young. I dropped them because I don't want to fight with a toddler for attention when I've driven for 3 hours to visit.
Now the kids are older we've reconnected

TidyDancer · 31/12/2022 10:45

YellowAndGreenToBeSeen · 31/12/2022 10:36

…but feel leaps and bounds ahead of my friends, none of which have even settled down yet.

This seems a tad superior in attitude. Maybe they’re picking up on this and that’s added to the division?

I 100% agree with this, and this is what stuck out to me reading the OP. It comes across as a sort of aloof arrogance that you've achieved more, which you may not have intended (I have known of some parents who do believe this though so maybe your friends have too).

That coupled with you turning down their invitations to things (for your own valid reasons, but they are still 'rejections') has quite possibly created the divide or increased something that was already there.

Snoken · 31/12/2022 10:45

I don’t think you have been dropped either. Your life has changed massively, theirs haven’t. You can’t always do the things you used to do, but it sounds like they are trying to include you in the bigger things which you decline. They can’t really win here, they are just doing what you as a group have always done.

Nice friends are priceless, I wouldn’t bin them just because you are at different stages atm. You will find common ground again.

FOJN · 31/12/2022 10:48

YellowAndGreenToBeSeen · 31/12/2022 10:36

…but feel leaps and bounds ahead of my friends, none of which have even settled down yet.

This seems a tad superior in attitude. Maybe they’re picking up on this and that’s added to the division?

That's the impression I got rather than acceptance that OP had simply made different life choices to her old friends.

OP says she doesn't expect her friends to do child orientated activities but seems to think it's strange her friends haven't been to see her child.

So, now she's 18 months and they've not seen her since the last time I went to their side, even though I've invited back.

It's understandable that your child is the centre of your world but a baby is going to cramp the style of child free people in their 20's.

I think it's completely normal for you to feel sad about what's happened to your friendships but it's also completely normal for your friends to want to carry on as before. Neither choice is better or worse, just different.

seven201 · 31/12/2022 10:48

Fleabea · 31/12/2022 10:31

Sorry you feel this way OP. It sounds like you are just in a different stage of life to them for now.

If you did want to try and reconnect, could you suggest meeting up for dinner with them without your dc? Could be nice for you to have some non-mummy time too.

I think this too. Suggest a dinner out. They probably just don't realise your baby is older now and you're happy leaving them. They've still invited you to holidays, it's not like they're ignoring you. I have a group of friends who all live a bit closer together so they see each other more, but we still arrange something every few months so I can join in. Make an effort and see how it goes.

MilkyYay · 31/12/2022 10:49

At 27/28 they aren't going to stop going on fun holidays and nights out to include you by relocating to a soft play.

Your perspective of yourself as "ahead" won't be helping. You aren't "ahead" you are on a different/parallel path and to be honest its not a very compatible one with theirs.

Friendships are transient. They shift through life as you see more of the people who share things in common with you. You probably have newer mum friends.

Herejustforthisone · 31/12/2022 10:50

Yeah, I’m afraid it sounds like they’ve beaten you to it and dropped you.

Montague22 · 31/12/2022 10:52

It’s hard. I was in this situation as I was pregnant at 27. It was years before any one else had a baby, and in fact quite a few of my friends haven’t bothered.
I remember being pregnant and thinking about going for a night out with them and it feeling so inappropriate. The kind of places they were going then didn’t feel right with a bump, so I stopped. Then I breastfed and baby wouldn’t take a bottle, so again you really are tied in this situation.
I also felt jealous of all the exotic holidays they still had the disposable income to go on. Money becomes tight with maternity leave and nursery fees and reduced working hours. Their life goes on though.
I do think late 20s is young to have a baby by today’s norms.

I did stay in contact in terms of messages though, and on the other side friendships can be picked up.
So I can see why you feel hurt, but don’t throw the baby out with the bath water! I think it’s hard to understand the impact of a baby till you have one and I think you can pick these friendships up again in the future.

Stickytoff · 31/12/2022 10:53

Yep you are in a different stage it will come back around. Friends can be friends for a reason or for a season. I was in a similar situation I had my kids first and some of my friendships changed for a period of time. It is all good now though. Try not to resent it. It will work out.

MilkyYay · 31/12/2022 10:55

If its any consolation op, we had our first a couple of years before friends started having kids, and for 2 or 3 years it did feel a bit like this. Now 7 years on, between our group of 8 or so couples, there are 14 children and meet ups are often at friendly places.

note though, that those of us with the older kids are now through the worst of the childcare costs and looking at group ski holidays again!

YoBeaches · 31/12/2022 11:02

You are a young mum OP... and you're the only one of your group to have had a baby yet.

Don't loose faith. You are just on different paths. Maybe the friendship will bond again when they settle down and you have more in common again. You have many years ahead yet.

Untitledsquatboulder · 31/12/2022 11:07

They haven't settled down yet so of course they are partying and going on non- baby friendly holidays. And I think it's a bit unlikely that they are going to have more than a passing interest in your baby.

It is sad that they are forgetting your birthday and not returning your messages - I guess you have grown apart. This happens.

PS life is not a race

Original poster
needingafairygodmother · 31/12/2022 11:09

CovertImage · 31/12/2022 10:37

Are you sure that they're not aware that you think you're "leaps and bounds ahead of my friends": that's rather arrogant

Ah I'm sorry this was misinterpreted! I think I just picked up the phrase from my mum yesterday when discussing with her?

I defo don't feel superior to them in anyway, I appreciate that there's so much fab stuff that they're doing with their doing (great careers and holidays, hobbies etc)

OP posts:
MajorCarolDanvers · 31/12/2022 11:13

I have been invited to these holidays in wider group messages but they're all extremely expensive (skiing, Greek islands) and things that didn't really fit in with an exclusively breastfeeding baby!!

They haven't dropped you. They've been inviting you to things that don't fit with your life currently.

They probably think you are no longer interested in them.

It's ok. Things change. Friendships ebb and flow.

If you want to rekindle things you need to make the effort. If you don't then move in with fond memories.

Stationsofthecross · 31/12/2022 11:15

Sorry OP - but it sounds like you think you’re a bit better than them - leaps and bounds ahead of them.

They haven’t dropped you tho - have they? Maybe I’m reading it wrong, you say you’ve been invited to things which you’ve turned down. Maybe they are realising your life has changed, so are aware that you can’t drop everything and head to Barbados. Maybe if you want - you could send a message saying baby is older so you would like to go back with doing fun stuff again - it sounds your bitter about them having fun, having a child was a choice you made, not them. Life changes. I think if you want to keep friendship group - maybe see if a message to say you want to do stuff with them changes anything - and if not, perhaps it might me time to move on. Good luck.

Usernamen · 31/12/2022 11:17

I don’t think that having an 18 month old and being pregnant again at 28 is being ‘leaps and bounds ahead’ at all. The last thing on most 28 year-olds’ minds is babies! My friendship group is a little older - early thirties - and not one of us has a baby yet.

Anyway, as others have said, perhaps it’s time to move on from this group and make some mum friends. Best of luck.

PifandHercule · 31/12/2022 11:17

They weren’t real friends and now that you are in a different stage of life, they have distanced themselves from you. I’ve been through something similar when I became a mom and at first it was painful but as my priorities changed, I embraced my new identity and moved on.
Enjoy your second pregnancy, good luck op!

Charlize43 · 31/12/2022 11:23

You're at different places in life.

I wouldn't bow out completely if you value their friendship just be more aware and accepting of the choices you / they have made. Maybe once they start having kids, you'll be close again, as they'll have more in common with you.

toocold54 · 31/12/2022 11:25

I think it’s a tricky one.

You have a completely different lifestyle to them now and they’re of course going to keep enjoying their child free lives for as long as they can.

It sounds as though you are a bit jealous that they are out enjoying themselves without you, whilst you’re stuck at home - which is completely normal to feel upset about your loss of freedom.

They should definitely make more of an effort but unfortunately it’s quite difficult having close relationships with people who don’t have DCs when you do.

I wouldn’t fall out with them but I wouldn’t go out of my way to make more effort than them.
I would focus on finding other friends who have young children.

Bluesea123 · 31/12/2022 11:26

They might find being around babies or hearing about babies boring. I’m not saying that you are like this. I find it sometimes hard to be around people with little kids now mine are older. They are consumed by them, can’t finish a conversation and if they do it’s usually about their child/ parenting

Edinburghmusing · 31/12/2022 11:28

@PifandHercule what do you mean they weren’t real friends? Because they’re still inviting op on holidays but not changing those holidays to ops local soft play?

doesnt sound like they’ve distanced themselves at all - they just haven’t become as absorbed in op as op has become

the problem with making being a mother your identity is that it’s unhealthy for both mother and child when a mothers identify is so wrapped with their child.

PurpleFlower1983 · 31/12/2022 11:32

The leaps and bounds ahead thing makes you sound a bit ridiculous, for some, myself included, two kids by 30 would have been the last thing I wanted but we all do life differently.

Quitelikeacatslife · 31/12/2022 11:37

As I'm really old now and my kids are adults , I'd say keep sone perspective and accept that some friendships come and go and some are for different stages in your life . I'd say keep in touch with them, you are young and they are at different stages but possibly in the next 5 years or so they will be doing the baby thing (maybe not) and it's great to have long standing friends . I have a wonderful group of friends from school and we have massively reconnected from our 40ths onwards when we went away and keep doing so every couple of years . They are my absolute joy.
We also had another friend who was really demanding when she had a baby first , resentful if we didn't see her child as the centre of the world and we found we couldn't see her any more, it was awful.
They'll come back , wish them well and when you do see them don't make it about your kids, the marvellous thing about old friends is that they see you not the mummy.

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