To drop these "friends" now I've had DC

[needingafairygodmother]

I'm 28, so not a young mum - but feel leaps and bounds ahead of my friends, none of which have even settled down yet.

I used to be a part of a group of 9 girls from school, and would see them regularly, holiday etc etc.

Over the last year, since I had DC, they have been over once (in the first two months of her life) - and we have travelled 2 hours to a birthday event with her to see them all - which was REALLY stressful.

So, now she's 18 months and they've not seen her since the last time I went to their side, even though I've invited back.

I've sent them bday cards, friendly messages and not received a reciprocal card or message for either my or DCs birthday.

I've left it for months now and not once has any of them initiated a conversation.

I regularly see them posting that they're having dinner together and they've been on holiday together a few times. I have been invited to these holidays in wider group messages but they're all extremely expensive (skiing, Greek islands) and things that didn't really fit in with an exclusively breastfeeding baby!!

Maybe it's NYE that makes me think they'll all once again be at it together, and big life events such as weddings and 30th birthdays are going to be happening in 2023... that I haven't once again heard a thing about.

I can't tell now if I'm being petty and resenting them or if this is the way things go and I should just gracefully bow out?

(To add I'm pregnant again and haven't even told them...)

I have never met a mum of young kids who hasn't become incredibly dull and self absorbed

And OP probably picks up on aptitudes like this from friends, no? This is even worse than what she said intially lol

Do you take part in the group chat?

But it's true. Look at the OP's message. It's all me, me, me.

I'm breastfeeding so I can't go on holiday.

I'm leaps and bounds ahead of my friends.

You don't think a woman who talks like OP is talking here didn't turn up to an event and talk endlessly about herself and her baby and not ask the friends anything about what's going on in their lives? There's a reason she hasn't been invited back. The feeling of superiority, of the friends still prioritising 'silly' or 'shallow' things is very evident in her posts.

@Edinburghmusing no, I didn’t expect them to help at all. And 30+ kids then yes I did need to prepare 😂 the issue is that they have children, lots older than my own as they had them when they were teenagers - so surely, they know how hard it is?
I’be sent their children birthday cards every year - why shouldn’t I expect the same?

I don’t expect them to be there constantly, I understand other people’s babies are boring - trust me I know!
They are shitty people, I could write a book! They took their children to winter wonderland two days ago, we were not invited. All in all, I don’t think my exceptions are too high to send a birthday card. Especially when we literally live 5 minutes apart.

I’m not in agreement with the OP either, but if anyone comes across superior here it’s you.

@needingafairygodmother, it can be tough when friendships change. I was one of the later ones to have a baby amongst my friends but had already got sick of being expected to do child friendly everything and I haven’t really gone back to them. I’m probably a bit more interested in their children now I have one of my own, but not very interested if I’m honest. I always prefer to do things away from the kids, but pay attention to them if they’re there.

Leaps and bounds ‘ahead’ is quite telling.

You’re not ahead - they might have no interest in that. At 28, I certainly didn’t have skiing and Greece was much more appealing.

I’d find new friends on the same page as you and let them enjoy their youth.

Are we really supposed to send birthday cards to mates’ kids? No one in my friendship group does. What’s next? My mum on her birthday, my best mate’s dog on gotcha day?

Hang on a minute, is it common for people to expect birthday cards for their children from their friends? I've never sent any of my friends' kids birthday cards, now I'm wondering who I've offended! But then I only send, and receive, birthday cards to and from family, so maybe it just depends on what the norm is in your social circle. I've certainly never expected my friends to send my kids a birthday card, or to be particularly bothered that it's their birthday. We invited some childless friends to our youngest first couple of birthdays, as they were mainly an excuse for us adults to have a party. As they got older, we stopped inviting our friends, and just invited family and our DC's friends, as they're then completely different parties. It never occured to me that my friends should even remember when it is my DC's birthday, let alone acknowledge it.

Sorry @Ducksinthebath I didn't see your message before posting mine. But yes, I agree, it's bizarre!

You're just at different life stages. Don't overthink it. You may have more in common again in a few years, or it may just drift further apart. It's a natural part of growing up.

Not being funny but I wouldn't want to spend time with you either if you thought you were 'leaps and bounds' ahead of me because you had a baby!

Personally, I would say they will catch up at some point and then see it from your point of view. Keep in touch but build a circle of friends that want to do the family stuff with you. Hope you work it out!

I’m just relieved I’m not alone in apparently grievously insulting all my friends!

I'm 28, so not a young mum - but feel leaps and bounds ahead of my friends, none of which have even settled down yet.

I can’t get passed this. What about having a baby makes you “leaps and bounds” ahead of your friends? Are you judging success and happiness on whether or not someone has had a baby by 30?

Why weren't they real friends? What a strange comment.

@SalYPimienta I don't think it comes across like that, personally. Lots of posters are a bit touchy and personally offended by a fairly generic phrase. She is the first to have children, their lives are vastly different, that it what was meant. Maybe not the most fitting phrase, but there is clearly no ill-will.

Just so ironic for PPs to devalue OP's life and lash out calling her boring and say her friends lives are so much better. If it's so crap to have children young-ish, it begs the question why so many people are bothered by a silly phrase.

But it isn't a generic, silly phrase at all. That's the point. It's very telling. The fact OP repeated her mother's phrase 'without really thinking about it' is also very telling. She has obviously been brought up to follow the Life Script, never questioned it, and feels like she's ahead of her friends because of the choices she's made. She would not have used that phrase otherwise. She sees life as a linear series of tasks to 'tick off' and in her mind, she's further along that series of tasks than her friends simply because she's popped out two kids in her twenties.

The thing is, her friends might NEVER get married and have kids. It's a perfectly valid life choice and one that's becoming increasingly common. OP isn't 'ahead' of her friends in any way, shape or form. She's chosen to do something they aren't doing. That's it. What she has chosen to do is no more mature, virtuous or impressive than if she had decided to go and live up a mountain in Tibet. It's a life choice out of many life choices and it's unfortunate that she doesn't seem to have questioned her mother's perspective on life.

@BratzB oh, and people are triggered by the phrase because we're sick to death of being patronised by women who think they're somehow better than us because they've had kids. I would hate OP's life. If she's happy with it, good for her, but she has to realise that it's many people's idea of a nightmare.

Exactly. I'm so sick of the condescending attitude. I couldn't believe my ears when a young mum I know brushed off my 27 year old friend who is a diplomat living abroad because "she hasn't grown up and settled down yet"! She's handling foreign affairs on behalf of our country love!!!

I detest this attitude that you can't be a grown up unless you have kids. Most women can have sex without a condom, get pregnant and give birth. It's not an achievement. I suspect the kind of person who says things like that is secretly jealous that they don't have the brains, resourcefulness and courage required to live abroad as a diplomat, so they have to convince themselves they're somehow doing something very worthy and special by popping out babies.

Not acknowledging your birthday seems a bit unfair if this was something you've always done however I don't really think anyone has done anything 'wrong'. They visited you soon after you had your child (presumably made all the right noises) and you took your child to an event 'their way' so 1 all. You said this was stressful. Did it impact on their enjoyment too.
They've invited to you other events which you've declined. I'm not sure whatvyou want from them.its inevitable friendships will change though I'd be mindful of describing yourself as being 'ahead' of them.
Could you focus more on 1 or 2friends that you have a stronger connection with and suggest some simpler 1 on 1 meetups.if not just let nature take its course but no-one has to feel slighted.

@SalYPimienta I hate to say it, but pot meet kettle. Apparently others can't have a good life because to you, they are 'popping out babies'. This 100% a you-issue. Again, secretly jealous accusations to OP over such a benign phrase... ironic.

Young parents can't be fulfilled because they're no on holiday and are 'dull', and nobody would want that. I think a lot of posters are a reflection of the same thing they're complaining about.

There's no need to be angry at OP, there is no indication she thinks she's better from that one phrase. Just way too much.

If OP actually said that I'd be with you. But all she said was 'leaps and bounds' - i.e. she had children 5-10 years before her friends. Like, come on

I said it wouldn't be the life I would want. I'm not the one writing threads on Mumsnet complaining about how I've been frozen out of my friend group.

If it were a benign phrase, it wouldn't have been picked up by multiple different posters. You just can't see it for what it is because you're so brainwashed by the Life Script. Only someone who believes that life is a linear series of tasks to tick off would use it, full stop. It's extremely telling. It reveals how OP sees herself and her friends and how she measures success in life.

I'm not angry at OP at all. There's no need to gaslight people because they have a different point of view. I'm simply stating that many new mothers are very dull, self absorbed, and patronising. That is my lived experience and it's the exact same vibe I get from the OP. As many others have also stated. She can choose to do some thinking and reflecting or she can choose to disregard it. I don't care.

Friendships change. Op you may have outgrown them... Yes you can still do things but as we know its alot more planning now