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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find my friend a bit....eccentric

352 replies

lionindistress · 31/12/2022 00:24

I have a very good friend of mine who I have known for the years now. No issues there but she does things which may be considered odd to others and don't know if I should talk to her about this- as some friends within our friendship group have noticed this and finding it a bit too......not much... but a bit odd and to the point where it's not funny anymore. Here are a few examples (we are all in our 20's by the way)

  1. After inviting her to stay over in my flat. We watched a late movie and she slept in one of the bedrooms. In the middle of the night (about 3-4am) I woke up to get a glass of water (had am itchy throat) and I just see that her room light is on. Not wanting to waste electricity. I switched this off and went back to the bed and thought maybe she was so exhausted to bother turning the light off. But when I woke up at 7am to get ready for work- I noticed that the light was back on again.

Anyway, in the morning for breakfast, I joked and said that I noticed you had your light on and I switched it off. She then replied and said that she prefer sleeping with the light on as growing up, she was always afraid of the dark and her whole family sleeps with the light on and it's only now that she tolerates sleeping with a light lamp. Bear So everytime she stays over at mine, or other friends places, she has to have a light on when sleeping,

  1. She is habitually late and makes some odd requests. For example, when we set up a time for all of us to meet together. We will say things like - "ok let's meet at 4pm" she will always pop up and say "let's meet at 4.05"- and when we ask her why, she relies that it will give her 5 minutes extra time incase she's late....... she also does this when we say "3.30" and she wants to meet at "3.38).

  2. Her and our other friend were going out somewhere and they were taking the bus somewhere to a particular place where she wanted to go. My friend (the one who I'm writing about) offered her seat to an elderly person on the bus and when the elderly person reused she insisted and said "don't worry, we are getting off the next stop". Anyway, our friend and this friend, proceeded to get off the next stop and they were walking for about 15 minutes until our friend said "Hey X, where is this place? We could have got off at a nearer bus stop". The friend (who I'm talking about) replied "I know- but I told the elderly person that we were getting off the next stop and I didn't want to feel stupid and stay on the bus thinking that what I said wasn't true".

  3. Can be very very private- particularly at work. She often tells me that you can't trust everyone and that I need to be careful who I share things too as they can use it against you.

There are a few other things. But other than that, she is funny, a very good friend, but we are not sure if we should have a discussion about some of the things she does...

OP posts:
Coffeellama · 31/12/2022 08:03

Can be very very private- particularly at work. She often tells me that you can't trust everyone and that I need to be careful who I share things too as they can use it against you.

Well she has a point considering you are acting her friend but slagging her off on the internet and saying she’s selfish. She sounds nicer than you do.

Climbles · 31/12/2022 08:05

If she’s annoying you just distance yourself. I think she sounds interesting

Misfitmissy · 31/12/2022 08:07

I actually cannot believe that you turned her light off in the middle of the night when she was a guest in your house. What if she was e.g. sorting out a contact lens issue etc and you just flipped the switch ! I find that unbelievably rude.

ferneytorro · 31/12/2022 08:09

If she is actually eccentric (which she really really isn’t, she’s not exactly taking a lobster for a walk on a lead is she) then if you do challenge her she won’t give a flying fuck about anything you are saying or criticising. You’ll meet very few properly eccentric people in your life.

asblindasabat · 31/12/2022 08:11

The only things that would bother me are the fact she is late and the fact she leaves the light on in your house overnight.

The latter is a waste of electricity, especially in this current climate. I’d want her to switch the light off. How can you sleep with a light on anyway??!? I couldn’t think of anything worse.

Untitledsquatboulder · 31/12/2022 08:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

This. She doesn't sound half as odd as you tbh.

feathermucker · 31/12/2022 08:18

She sounds like me. A toned down me.

You sound like friends I left behind years ago and I'm much happier for doing so.

Your friend deserves better friends than your group seems to be. The 'eccentricities' you're describing aren't really anything to worry about. If she's always late and this is really a sticking point with you, then you either accept that or talk to her about it, but everything else is part of a quirky character.

You sound a bit too vanilla for her.

Tooshytoshine · 31/12/2022 08:18

OP, if this classes as eccentric to you then perhaps you need to loosen up a bit. She sounds fun and kind, and like she is enjoying her twenties.

Just do your own thing - live and let live. Hate to break it to you but you probably have annoying personality quirks too - rather than being the exemplar of all that is good and correct in the world.

Redebs · 31/12/2022 08:19

Moomoola · 31/12/2022 06:38

I have some friends who are being quite boring and sanctimonious now we are in our 20s.their behaviour is a bit odd and to the point where it's not funny anymore.
a friend who I stayed with and while I was asleep she tip toed into the room and turned off the light so I woke alarmed and confused as I hate the dark.

they insist on being absolutely punctual even if we are meeting somewhere like a coffee shop wher they can chat together. I’m sometimes 5 mins late as I lose my keys and am nervous about meeting them but will warn them I’ll be a bit late.

I like to be helpful and don’t want old ladies to think I’m lying to make them feel comfortable as that would be patronising this apparantly is wierd, though it did mean we got off the bus early!

my friends share every minutiae about their lives and it’s a bit tedious
it’s also daft, imo to reveal too much about your life in work as you don’t want the meaner people to be gossiping about you behind your back.

they also seem to think there’s is the only way to be and they know what it is.
There is one friend who seems a bit more controlling than the others. Ther are a few other things. But other than that, she is funny, a very good friend, I am not sure if we should gang up and discuss her behind her back in a mean way and then have a discussion about some of the things she does...

Love this!

OP, I hope the replies to your post have educated and humbled you a bit. I hope you and your friends learn to be nicer people and keep each other in check when tempted to say mean or judgemental things about people in general. I hope the replies haven't made you defensive and angry at getting pulled up on this.
Enjoy knowing your quirky friend and respect her differences.

BecauseICan22 · 31/12/2022 08:21

lionindistress · 31/12/2022 00:24

I have a very good friend of mine who I have known for the years now. No issues there but she does things which may be considered odd to others and don't know if I should talk to her about this- as some friends within our friendship group have noticed this and finding it a bit too......not much... but a bit odd and to the point where it's not funny anymore. Here are a few examples (we are all in our 20's by the way)

  1. After inviting her to stay over in my flat. We watched a late movie and she slept in one of the bedrooms. In the middle of the night (about 3-4am) I woke up to get a glass of water (had am itchy throat) and I just see that her room light is on. Not wanting to waste electricity. I switched this off and went back to the bed and thought maybe she was so exhausted to bother turning the light off. But when I woke up at 7am to get ready for work- I noticed that the light was back on again.

Anyway, in the morning for breakfast, I joked and said that I noticed you had your light on and I switched it off. She then replied and said that she prefer sleeping with the light on as growing up, she was always afraid of the dark and her whole family sleeps with the light on and it's only now that she tolerates sleeping with a light lamp. Bear So everytime she stays over at mine, or other friends places, she has to have a light on when sleeping,

  1. She is habitually late and makes some odd requests. For example, when we set up a time for all of us to meet together. We will say things like - "ok let's meet at 4pm" she will always pop up and say "let's meet at 4.05"- and when we ask her why, she relies that it will give her 5 minutes extra time incase she's late....... she also does this when we say "3.30" and she wants to meet at "3.38).

  2. Her and our other friend were going out somewhere and they were taking the bus somewhere to a particular place where she wanted to go. My friend (the one who I'm writing about) offered her seat to an elderly person on the bus and when the elderly person reused she insisted and said "don't worry, we are getting off the next stop". Anyway, our friend and this friend, proceeded to get off the next stop and they were walking for about 15 minutes until our friend said "Hey X, where is this place? We could have got off at a nearer bus stop". The friend (who I'm talking about) replied "I know- but I told the elderly person that we were getting off the next stop and I didn't want to feel stupid and stay on the bus thinking that what I said wasn't true".

  3. Can be very very private- particularly at work. She often tells me that you can't trust everyone and that I need to be careful who I share things too as they can use it against you.

There are a few other things. But other than that, she is funny, a very good friend, but we are not sure if we should have a discussion about some of the things she does...

She sounds lovely and true to herself. You and your other friends sound bitchy and like you've been talking behind her back.

Accept her as she is and embrace her differences or seriously, do her a favour and you find a new friend.

Greenfairydust · 31/12/2022 08:21

I hope she dumps you and the rest of this ''friendship'' group.

Nothing wrong with her behaviour, she sounds lovely while you come across as judgemental and overbearing.

Kanaloa · 31/12/2022 08:21

The silly popping up asking to meet a few minutes after the agreed time would annoy me. If everyone else had agreed on 3.30 and she popped up saying ‘let’s meet at 3.38 so I’m not late’ I’d just think it was silly attention seeking. How is meeting 8 minutes after the agreed time going to stop her being late? If she can arrive at 3.38 she could arrive at 3.30. So I’d just say ‘everyone agrees on 3.30, if you can’t make it that’s ok.’

The other stuff is a bit odd but I’d just shrug it off.

Kanaloa · 31/12/2022 08:22

But yeah the habitual lateness would bug me.

strawberry2017 · 31/12/2022 08:22

You shouldn't have gone in to her room at night. A person is most vulnerable when asleep and I would not have been happy to find you in my room at night.
The lateness would piss me off if it was all the time.
Everything else I think you are not picking and maybe you should say something so she can realise how unfair you actually are and find friends who accept her for who she is.

ASCADHDBAME · 31/12/2022 08:26

I think she sounds nice! Other than being late there is nothing wrong with those examples ^

Thoughtful2355 · 31/12/2022 08:27

Shes quirky but you sound childish, picking on these things :S do you not understand everyone is different? not exactly sure what you expect to come out of a conversation about her personality....

CrystalCoco · 31/12/2022 08:27

I've only read your posts OP so apologies if other PPs have said this already: you don't appear to like this 'friend' very much so why not do both yourself and friend a favour and end this hateship (cos it's definitely not a friendship)

You can both then go find people whose company and traits you do enjoy.

Ilkleymoor · 31/12/2022 08:27

I think the OP really wants a suggestion that the friend is neurodiverse. (And presumably therefore somehow 'wrong').

She's just different to you and more open about her differences. You need to remember all your friends would be able to make a list about you if they felt like it.

Dietgonetoshit · 31/12/2022 08:28

Crackof · 31/12/2022 00:34

Are you going to gang up on her and expell her from your normie club?

That's what it looks like. She sounds nice and is right to not trust everyone, especially when they don't accept you for who you are and plan to discuss your inadequacies quirks like it's some form of a disciplinary hearing.

Thoughtful2355 · 31/12/2022 08:30

Also your all adult enough to say no. Okay so she wants a song replayed, TELL her no. explain that you think its wierd to replay the same song over and over and that you wont be replaying songs.

Same with everything else she does, simply say no or take over. lateness is annoying but then just tell her that, tell her she needs to be on time. If she was just 5 minutes late everytime then it wouldnt bother me.

Patienceisntvirtuous · 31/12/2022 08:35

I'm another one who usually sleeps with a small light on. I'm an adult, I know what I prefer. They cost little to nothing.

SleepingStandingUp · 31/12/2022 08:36

If she's sleeping over that regularly, I'd buy a cheap lamp.

The late thing, we have a friend like this and we just accept it and tease her. It isn't about a lack or respect or her not caring etc, she's just a bit ditzy about this stuff We always meet with plenty of time.

Buses etc, just say no Friend, you're mistaken, we don't get off here. If you all refuse to get off early she won't

She's allowed privacy.

She sounds like she's TRYING to be kind (ie bus seat, not wanting to seem to be showing off) but doesn't always manage the "appropriate" social conventions

PearlclutchersInc · 31/12/2022 08:41

And what will this "discussion" achieve?

Sounds like you just want to have a bitching session about her. Not convinced she needs you as a friend.

ThePoshUns · 31/12/2022 08:42

I'm struggling to see the issue here. We all have our little quirks. I really couldn't be bothered to get annoyed by any that you have listed.
Maybe the rest of the group think you are controlling? You never know.

LeFeu · 31/12/2022 08:43

She sounds possibly a little bit anxious but otherwise not particularly out of the ordinary!