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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dp won't tell family we called it off

129 replies

Fedupex · 30/12/2022 21:44

Been engaged to be married end of 2023. I ended up calling off the engagement as straight after we was having back to back arguments and issues. Decided it didn't feel right nor was it right. That was about 5 months ago now. Dp won't tell anyone. I have told dparents and my close friends as the hen do was being planned and so was talk of the wedding. Whenever I question dp he constantly insistence that he just doesn't have that sort of relationship with his parents and it's too "negative" to announce.

But my thing is that mil keeps talking to me about our to be potentional wedding and mutual friends correct me constantly when I don't refer to dp as fiance anymore. It's becoming uncomfortable and upsetting. Dp doesn't see it as a lying. When I told him how it made me feel and why it was important for me that he told at least his parents he made it sound like I was forcing him when surely it is the mature responsible thing after proclaiming an engagement to everyone who now expects a marriage??!

I just feel like he cares more about how he comes across than my feelings which doesn't bode well for our relationship. Dp claims it down to forgetfulness (lke this is a minor thing). I have been questioning the survival of our relationship as I don't know of many (if any) people that call off an engagement to then go ahead and make it work. We have hardly discussed the break up of it and it really feels like the elephant in the room. I feel like I can't talk to dp without him getting touchy about it. So instead I internalise and doubt and get upset about it all on my own.

Aibu or shouldn't he of told people without my coaxing or prompting. I think if I never asked he wouldn't even bother and continue to lead everyone under a false pretence

OP posts:
Slimjimtobe · 30/12/2022 21:46

Why are you still together ? I don’t mean to ask this in a rude way? Can you see a future ?

Itsthewhitehat · 30/12/2022 21:47

Did you book anything? Send our save the date cards? Confirm a date with anyone?

Original poster
Fedupex · 30/12/2022 21:48

@Slimjimtobe don't really know. We have children I guess and our lives are so heavily intertwined. At the moment and for a very long while I haven't been able to see a future, hence the calling off the engagement. Dp constantly tells me he is ashamed of himself and wants us to get there but does nothing about it

OP posts:
Original poster
Fedupex · 30/12/2022 21:48

@Itsthewhitehat no. Never got that far with it

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ACynicalDad · 30/12/2022 21:48

I think you need to be clearer on what your relationship status is. Are you totally off or on hold? The fact that you’re still together suggests you might still get there eventually. Once that is clear whilst you don’t need to announce it on socials I would tell people when it comes up in conversation - be that we’re over, we’re delayed indefinitely or we’re never doing it.

Beees · 30/12/2022 21:50

You need to be clearer on what kind of relationship you're in with him to be honest. You're either ending it or your not and no wonder he's not told them because you don't actually seem very sure what's going on if you're still together 5 months later.

Hankunamatata · 30/12/2022 21:51

It's embarrassing. I get why he hasn't told people as problem be the nail in the coffin for him for your relationship.
You either need to split or gracefully say you have postponed the wedding and unsure of future date if you want to give the relationship any chance of survival.

Itsthewhitehat · 30/12/2022 21:51

Fedupex · 30/12/2022 21:48

@Itsthewhitehat no. Never got that far with it

The I think you need to let him deal with this himself.

If they ask you, don’t lie. But I wouldn’t be pushing him and telling him he needs to speak to his family because I say so.

If things were booked and people were arranging things it would be different.

I am guessing after 5 months and only a vague date, people will have guessed it wasn’t happening.

Googlecanthelpme · 30/12/2022 21:51

I can sort of understand your point but also, I can’t help but think this doesn’t really need to be “announced” as a “we’ve called off the engagement” unless you’ve actually split up?

If you had a wedding booked I would understand telling people but if you had no concrete plans in place then I wouldn’t have thought it needs announcing.

I might be wrong but for most people calling off an engagement would signify the end of the relationship. Engagements can last years, you can still have the intention to get married, even if it’s 5 years away… if you don’t have the intention to marry your long term partner, why stay together? (Genuine question)

Tallulah28 · 30/12/2022 21:52

Fedupex · 30/12/2022 21:48

@Slimjimtobe don't really know. We have children I guess and our lives are so heavily intertwined. At the moment and for a very long while I haven't been able to see a future, hence the calling off the engagement. Dp constantly tells me he is ashamed of himself and wants us to get there but does nothing about it

If you can’t see a future why do you remain in a relationship? Surely a marriage is no different other than in a legal sense?

Tallulah28 · 30/12/2022 21:53

Fedupex · 30/12/2022 21:48

@Itsthewhitehat no. Never got that far with it

If you didn’t get as far as booking anything then how was it planned for the end of 2023?

Notimeforaname · 30/12/2022 21:54

Just say it casually next time his family bring it up.

"Oh, we've decided not to bother now" or, "Putting it off til a later time" or even,
"I've called it off because we have too much going on"
I'm not sure how much you want to tell people but your partner is not going to do it.
He seems stressed at "announcing it" so you just say it casually in conversation.

Tell him this is your plan if he's not going to say anything.

NotStayingIn · 30/12/2022 21:54

I think you are being too passive. This is your life, it hugely impacts you. So why are you taking such a back seat? Tell people. Whenever a situation comes up where hiding the fact you are no longer getting married doesn't sit well with you, tell them. And probably start to plan a different life for yourself. Good luck!

Notimeforaname · 30/12/2022 21:55

If you didnt have anything planned then it doesn't really upset anyone else's life.

It's not a huge deal. You wanted to get married, you dont now. That's all people need to know if they keep asking.

Slimjimtobe · 30/12/2022 21:56

If you have children together and were engaged but the the engagement ended - that makes me think something happened to warrant calling it off

i think I would separate for a while than live in limbo if he’s not changing his actions if that’s what It is

Original poster
Fedupex · 30/12/2022 22:00

To be clear.

We agreed to go back to being bf/gf so there was never a question on anyone's behalf about where we stood.

I'm not telling him to announce it but he should of at the least told his parents and his close friends. It's hardly fair that I'm put into awkward situations by his silence when they tell me that's your finance not your bf what do you mean. It's not my Job to the correct them.

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Original poster
Fedupex · 30/12/2022 22:02

@Notimeforaname funny you should say that as I literally gave him that exact same example. I said he didn't need to give details, just a simple life isn't permitting it right now would suffice. But he refuses to do anything at my expense even after I've told him how it makes me feel. And that is what I'm not okay about.

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ImBlueDab · 30/12/2022 22:05

You just be open and honest with anyone who asks you.

If your mil starts talking about the wedding be honest, tell hee it's been called off and if she wants more info to speak to her son. The same with mutual friend a

Floralnomad · 30/12/2022 22:05

It sounds completely dysfunctional , he’s good enough to live with , have kids with and presumably sleep with but not good enough to actually marry , I’m not surprised he’s not telling people , it’s just weird .

Notimeforaname · 30/12/2022 22:08

It's not my Job to the correct them.
I think in this instance it is your job. You called it off didn't you? You want his family told don't you?

Hes refusing to do what you want so its up to you to get/do what you want. Otherwise, you must accept it for what it is because you're just complaining now without being proactive.

Do something or live with it as it is. Stop trying to force him to do something he's refusing to do. Its getting you nowhere

Scurryfunge12 · 30/12/2022 22:09

If you’re not getting married because it doesn’t feel right, then you recognise something is off and if you don’t think you’ll want to get married in a years time, then why are you still together?

Quitelikeit · 30/12/2022 22:10

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DucklingDaisy · 30/12/2022 22:10

This seems very odd. If you have kids with someone and are engaged to be married, and then call the engagement off, the implication seems to be you're splitting up. It doesn't really make sense otherwise. The message you're giving is that despite having children together, you don't think you're going to last the distance. Because otherwise you'd get married like you planned.

CantFindTheBeat · 30/12/2022 22:11

@Fedupex

"We've decided to go back to being boyfriend/girlfriend".

Well you haven't, have you. That's bloody ridiculous. You are PARENTS. To children. That horse has bolted.

You can't roll the clock back. Take responsibility for your choices. Either your partner is worthy of continuing to be your partner in a relationship that evolves, or he isn't.

Original poster
Fedupex · 30/12/2022 22:12

@Scurryfunge12 I'm not sure about that. I have alot if things I need to unpack before I can even get there yet.

Dp doesn't want me telling other people. He clearly doesn't want them to know at all.

@Floralnomad actually we don't sleep together at all. That is a whole different thread though...

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