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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dp won't tell family we called it off

129 replies

Fedupex · 30/12/2022 21:44

Been engaged to be married end of 2023. I ended up calling off the engagement as straight after we was having back to back arguments and issues. Decided it didn't feel right nor was it right. That was about 5 months ago now. Dp won't tell anyone. I have told dparents and my close friends as the hen do was being planned and so was talk of the wedding. Whenever I question dp he constantly insistence that he just doesn't have that sort of relationship with his parents and it's too "negative" to announce.

But my thing is that mil keeps talking to me about our to be potentional wedding and mutual friends correct me constantly when I don't refer to dp as fiance anymore. It's becoming uncomfortable and upsetting. Dp doesn't see it as a lying. When I told him how it made me feel and why it was important for me that he told at least his parents he made it sound like I was forcing him when surely it is the mature responsible thing after proclaiming an engagement to everyone who now expects a marriage??!

I just feel like he cares more about how he comes across than my feelings which doesn't bode well for our relationship. Dp claims it down to forgetfulness (lke this is a minor thing). I have been questioning the survival of our relationship as I don't know of many (if any) people that call off an engagement to then go ahead and make it work. We have hardly discussed the break up of it and it really feels like the elephant in the room. I feel like I can't talk to dp without him getting touchy about it. So instead I internalise and doubt and get upset about it all on my own.

Aibu or shouldn't he of told people without my coaxing or prompting. I think if I never asked he wouldn't even bother and continue to lead everyone under a false pretence

OP posts:
YoBeaches · 30/12/2022 22:25

It sounds like your waiting for him to be something he's not, and won't ever be.

Even in telling people it's off. You're not on the same page about that let alone anything else.

You are in limbo. You said marriage is a commitment to each other - which you're not willing to make.

You need to face facts and call it for what it is...

Over.

If you want people to know it's off - Tell them.

Original poster
Fedupex · 30/12/2022 22:25

@HeddaGarbled we have had counselling before. It didn't really work because dp never acted on the advice we was given. The work he put in ended as soon as the counselling session did. It's not me that won't converse about the end of our engagement. It's him. He avoids emotive or deep subjects and it's a massive issue we have. He would rather bury his head in the sand and have everyone believe we are happily engaged rather than just communicate to me.

OP posts:
Beees · 30/12/2022 22:27

Honestly it just sounds like you're expecting him to do and be things he isn't and you admit counselling hasn't worked so just bloody end it.

Life is not meant to be this difficult and it's grossly unfair on your children to be living in this kind of crappy environment.

Original poster
Fedupex · 30/12/2022 22:28

@YoBeaches it's not thar I'm not willing to make the commitment, I was. But the arguments kept on and his behaviour never changed. Our issues were still very much there and it broke my heart that this it what became of my engagement. I really didn't care for the fancy showy side of it. But I wanted it to be a happy time. Instead it was trained and soured by our arguments and dp being inconsiderate. It felt fake. I just want it to be genuine. Not forced because it feels like the next "natural step". I wanted it to be out of love. And I didn't feel it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fedupex · 30/12/2022 22:28

@Beees dc are under 3. They don't know.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 30/12/2022 22:30

Floralnomad · 30/12/2022 22:05

It sounds completely dysfunctional , he’s good enough to live with , have kids with and presumably sleep with but not good enough to actually marry , I’m not surprised he’s not telling people , it’s just weird .

This. And why do your feelings trump his? You sound like a little kid, " he's not my fiance cos I've called it off but we're still living together but we're back to boyfriend/ girlfriend ".

NeverDropYourMooncup · 30/12/2022 22:30

Your words might be saying the engagement is over, but your acts aren't.

Give it up as a bad job. Then they'll get the message, as will he.

Beees · 30/12/2022 22:30

Fedupex · 30/12/2022 22:28

@Beees dc are under 3. They don't know.

They know. Do not kid yourself that they have no clue what is going on.

Just leave honestly you're all miserable and it's clear that it's not going to work.

sheepdogdelight · 30/12/2022 22:33

It's highly unusual to break off an engagement and stay together.

If you're staying together it's neither here nor there whether you are engaged or "just" boyfriend/girlfriend. People will still make the same comments about "when are you getting married". And plenty of people have very long engagements.

But it sounds like you have bigger issues than whether you are engaged or not.

Schnooze · 30/12/2022 22:33

What are you frightened of happening if you just told them yourself you are delaying things?

Original poster
Fedupex · 30/12/2022 22:35

@RedHelenB did you read anything I wrote? We arent sleeping together. We have no sex life. We haven't in yrs. I'm not using him. I'm just not deluding myself into a engagement that isn't genuine.

OP posts:
WaddleAway · 30/12/2022 22:36

Fedupex · 30/12/2022 22:35

@RedHelenB did you read anything I wrote? We arent sleeping together. We have no sex life. We haven't in yrs. I'm not using him. I'm just not deluding myself into a engagement that isn't genuine.

It’s pretty clear from your posts that you don’t want to be with him.

Redebs · 30/12/2022 22:36

This makes no sense.
You are wanting him to woo you and court you. You want him to have a special, wonderful relationship with you before you agree to marry him. I'm guessing you want a fancy wedding with a big, white dress?

But you have children together and are a family! You can't just be boyfriend and girlfriend together ever again.

You need to be more mature about this. A wedding is probably going to be a waste of time, money and effort for you both. Focus on being parents together instead of your 'issues'.

It sounds as though your partner doesn't want to talk to his family about the wedding because he doesn't know what you want either.

Regularsizedrudy · 30/12/2022 22:37

Why are you together? Sorry it all seems a bit back to front to me. You talking about “getting there” before you get engaged but you already have kids? If it’s not working now.. it’s never going to work

cherry2727 · 30/12/2022 22:38

Huh?!! So he was credible enough to be a dad to YOUR kids but not good enough to marry ? That's ridiculous! Kids are a bigger commitment- having kids means that this man will forever be part of your life! Marriage without kids on the other hand - we can say bye and have no obligation to speak to each other again! You seem to have your priorities upside down! I don't blame your bf/fiancé/ kids dad for not telling anyone that it's been called off- he probably has hope that it will still go ahead .

Original poster
Fedupex · 30/12/2022 22:39

@Redebs where did I say I wanted that? Again if you read anything I wrote I said the exact opposite. I don't care for the showy side of anything. I just want happiness and love there. Not shouting matches and tears.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fedupex · 30/12/2022 22:39

@cherry2727 dc was unplanned....

OP posts:
Original poster
Fedupex · 30/12/2022 22:40

@Regularsizedrudy anyone can have a baby with someone. It takes actual love and care to nature a relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fedupex · 30/12/2022 22:40

@WaddleAway this isn't just my choice. Dp doesn't want sex either.

OP posts:
Redebs · 30/12/2022 22:42

Shouting matches and tears?
Then you definitely need to live apart and work out how to coparent. And work out some contraception.

WaddleAway · 30/12/2022 22:42

Fedupex · 30/12/2022 22:40

@WaddleAway this isn't just my choice. Dp doesn't want sex either.

I didn’t mean because of the sex issue on its own. It’s clear from all of your posts. You don’t want to be with him but feel stuck because of the children/housing situation.

Velvetween · 30/12/2022 22:43

Tell him you refuse to be put in an awkward situation again and next time someone (his family or friends) mentions the wedding to you, you will gently/with no drama inform them it’s been put off for now.

What can he do? He can’t sensor you and make you look stupid. He has no right and you are in control of your own speech (one would hope).

This man is not going to acquire the emotional intelligence, that he lacks and you need, overnight. I’d start planning your exit.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/12/2022 22:46

Why are you still together?

PS: You don't have to get married.

cherry2727 · 30/12/2022 22:46

@cherry2727 dc was unplanned....

Ah right ! Understood ! Dc as in multiple right?
Moving on - I really think you need to be a bit clearer with your decision.. you're sending the wrong signals . If my engagement is called off then I'd take it that the relationship is over . I've had a friend who cancelled the wedding but remained engaged to work on their marital flaws but not cancel the engagement. How do you remain boyfriend and girlfriend to each other but not happy to be engaged ? Such a weird position to be in. No wonder he won't tell anyone!

WaddleAway · 30/12/2022 22:46

Honestly OP it shouldn’t be this hard. You argue and cry all the time. You don’t have sex. You don’t communicate. Counselling didn’t work. What are you hanging on for?