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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dp won't tell family we called it off

129 replies

Fedupex · 30/12/2022 21:44

Been engaged to be married end of 2023. I ended up calling off the engagement as straight after we was having back to back arguments and issues. Decided it didn't feel right nor was it right. That was about 5 months ago now. Dp won't tell anyone. I have told dparents and my close friends as the hen do was being planned and so was talk of the wedding. Whenever I question dp he constantly insistence that he just doesn't have that sort of relationship with his parents and it's too "negative" to announce.

But my thing is that mil keeps talking to me about our to be potentional wedding and mutual friends correct me constantly when I don't refer to dp as fiance anymore. It's becoming uncomfortable and upsetting. Dp doesn't see it as a lying. When I told him how it made me feel and why it was important for me that he told at least his parents he made it sound like I was forcing him when surely it is the mature responsible thing after proclaiming an engagement to everyone who now expects a marriage??!

I just feel like he cares more about how he comes across than my feelings which doesn't bode well for our relationship. Dp claims it down to forgetfulness (lke this is a minor thing). I have been questioning the survival of our relationship as I don't know of many (if any) people that call off an engagement to then go ahead and make it work. We have hardly discussed the break up of it and it really feels like the elephant in the room. I feel like I can't talk to dp without him getting touchy about it. So instead I internalise and doubt and get upset about it all on my own.

Aibu or shouldn't he of told people without my coaxing or prompting. I think if I never asked he wouldn't even bother and continue to lead everyone under a false pretence

OP posts:
Canthave2manycats · 30/12/2022 22:48

Fedupex · 30/12/2022 22:35

@RedHelenB did you read anything I wrote? We arent sleeping together. We have no sex life. We haven't in yrs. I'm not using him. I'm just not deluding myself into a engagement that isn't genuine.

So did the DCs under 3 appear under a gooseberry bush?!!

This is all very bizarre! How did you end up engaged if he didn't ask you? Did he buy you a ring?

The man isn't willing to put in the effort to be the person you want him to be. That's not likely to change at this point, so either you compromise or move on. Bear in mind that young children put a huge strain on the strongest of relationships.

I find it really odd that you think you can have a baby with any old randomer but getting married is more of a commitment?!

dolor · 30/12/2022 22:50

Christ. Just tell them.

carpool · 30/12/2022 22:50

I'm not quite sure how you managed to have more than one DC under 3 but 'haven't had sex for years'. Must have been the immaculate conception!

Beees · 30/12/2022 22:50

WaddleAway · 30/12/2022 22:46

Honestly OP it shouldn’t be this hard. You argue and cry all the time. You don’t have sex. You don’t communicate. Counselling didn’t work. What are you hanging on for?

Exactly. I don't understand how leaving is harder than staying.

The relationship is dead, there is no love and it doesn't sound like you even like him. You obviously don't see it getting better and counselling has failed once already so for the love of all that is good in the world and for your children's sake why the fuck don't you just stop the charades and end it. Start acting like grown ups.

Frazzledmummy123 · 30/12/2022 22:54

Is your partner's mother the type of person who worries about what people think and likes to put on a show of 'everything is all rosy' and 'nothing goes wrong'. I have a relative like this and I absolutely dread telling her when anything bad happens. A split from my ex years ago became all about her and she spent hours worrying about 'what to tell people' 🙄

My first thought when reading your post, was that your partner's mum is like this and he is avoiding telling her to avoid this. Though you have said your partner is in the habit of burying his head in the sand so perhaps it is just denial.

Either way, I think you need to tell him he has to tell her, and if he doesn't then you will. He'll either be relieved at that or decide to do it himself so he controls what is said.

Maybe his mum suspects something, and that's why she keeps bringing up the wedding?

Regularsizedrudy · 30/12/2022 22:55

Fedupex · 30/12/2022 22:40

@Regularsizedrudy anyone can have a baby with someone. It takes actual love and care to nature a relationship.

So leave!!

saraclara · 30/12/2022 22:55

Whatever the issues for the future, right now is a good time to say that the wedding's been ''put off'. Cite the cost of living/not feeling it's the right time to be spending on a wedding etc etc. It would be less embarrassing for him to put it that way, and get you out if the immediate awkwardness of people bringing up the event.

Climbles · 30/12/2022 22:55

Time to stop flogging this dead horse. He isn’t going to change. He’s shown you that time and time again.

PuzzledObserver · 30/12/2022 22:56

Why did you want to get married?

Whats the timing of getting engaged/moving in together/birth of DC?

Are you working?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/12/2022 22:58

dc was unplanned....

Three times?

Come off it.

You don't have the balls to call it off. Why are you even posting here?

Slimjimtobe · 30/12/2022 22:59

No way on earth would I get married if you are not having sex and arguing. You are co parenting

YoBeaches · 30/12/2022 22:59

Fedupex · 30/12/2022 22:28

@YoBeaches it's not thar I'm not willing to make the commitment, I was. But the arguments kept on and his behaviour never changed. Our issues were still very much there and it broke my heart that this it what became of my engagement. I really didn't care for the fancy showy side of it. But I wanted it to be a happy time. Instead it was trained and soured by our arguments and dp being inconsiderate. It felt fake. I just want it to be genuine. Not forced because it feels like the next "natural step". I wanted it to be out of love. And I didn't feel it.

So, why did you want to get married at all? Is it because you feel you should? Or because you see it as security? Or because you want to have ' your day' ? Or something/anything else?

RedToothBrush · 30/12/2022 23:03

Yabu
You act like it's all down to him and you have no right / ability to be honest.
He isn't respecting how you feel about the situation if he's asking you to play along as if nothing has changed.

Ultimately how is this going to go as 2023 cracks on?
Is he going to make up a date or exact you to carry on doing fake planning?!

It's an utterly ridiculous situation. One where you need to tell him to grow up and just tell them.

Not only that but you have kids together. If he can't get his act together over this issue, how is parenting going to pan out if you hit difficult stuff?!

He's a big baby, and no you don't have a future with a mankind who can't deal with this like an adult.

It is very simple, if he doesn't just deal with it, and crucially you carry on being a plank who tolerates being messed around what's is left of the relationship?

I almost feel like he's trying to force you into a corner here - either to marry when you have significant doubts or for you to end the relationship so he can blame you because he's too bloody spineless to do so himself. Either option is awful and you should be running for the hills.

Quite honestly, there's is little point in just 'staying with him for the kids'. Who is thinking of the kids whilst the pair of you aren't honest about whether you get married or not.

Walk. This isn't going anywhere. Yo
u are merely delaying the inevitable. The relationship between you is stone cold dead.

ButterflyOil · 30/12/2022 23:04

Mumsnet is fucking bonkers sometimes. If you said the relationship was having all these issues but you’re going to press ahead and marry this man anyway you’d have the same people yelling at you to shit or get off the pot saying you are being a fool to make a legal commitment when the relationship is not going well.

Ive no idea why it seems so unusual to people that an engagement might be cancelled but the relationship remain while issues are sorted through. In fact it seems like the bloody sensible thing to do if it’s a person you live with and have kids with.

Honesty i’m baffled by many of these responses.

OP - I get where you’re coming from totally. You don’t have to marry this man if you’re not yet sure and it makes sense you would want to work on the relationship with him since you have kids together. Honestly think that’s a good move on your part in remaining together but cancelling the engagement.

As for telling people - next time anyone mentions it i’d just tell them yourself, doesn’t have to be a big deal just say it’s not happening currently as you both want to work through some issues first. Or, if you don’t want to explain too much just say the wedding is postponed for the foreseeable so you are not really engaged.

Rainbowdrops2021 · 30/12/2022 23:05

I don’t understand why you’re with him at all. It sounds as if you’d both have a chance at a happier life if you just separated.

RedToothBrush · 30/12/2022 23:07

How hard is it for you to ring your mil and say dp won't tell you, cos he's so stressed but we've called the whole thing off.

Worse case is you and dp have a big row about it: that either leads to a resolution between you on this or you break up because your relationship is dead anyway.

It's pointless trying to appease him on this one. The wedding is off and that's not going to change so he has to face up to it at some point

Original poster
Fedupex · 30/12/2022 23:13

Who the heck saidhi have 3 children??!! I said dc is under 3!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Fedupex · 30/12/2022 23:15

I bought my own engagement ring and paid for the dinner we had. He didn't ask me. I had to ask him at the end of the night if we were engaged as we had previously spoke about doing it on our 5th anniversary. He said sure yeah I just assumed we was now 😑

OP posts:
YoBeaches · 30/12/2022 23:17

ButterflyOil · 30/12/2022 23:04

Mumsnet is fucking bonkers sometimes. If you said the relationship was having all these issues but you’re going to press ahead and marry this man anyway you’d have the same people yelling at you to shit or get off the pot saying you are being a fool to make a legal commitment when the relationship is not going well.

Ive no idea why it seems so unusual to people that an engagement might be cancelled but the relationship remain while issues are sorted through. In fact it seems like the bloody sensible thing to do if it’s a person you live with and have kids with.

Honesty i’m baffled by many of these responses.

OP - I get where you’re coming from totally. You don’t have to marry this man if you’re not yet sure and it makes sense you would want to work on the relationship with him since you have kids together. Honestly think that’s a good move on your part in remaining together but cancelling the engagement.

As for telling people - next time anyone mentions it i’d just tell them yourself, doesn’t have to be a big deal just say it’s not happening currently as you both want to work through some issues first. Or, if you don’t want to explain too much just say the wedding is postponed for the foreseeable so you are not really engaged.

Because, the OP said "At the moment and for a very long while I haven't been able to see a future, hence the calling off the engagement"

There is some stringing along going on here. They already aren't happy together.

Summerfun54321 · 30/12/2022 23:17

He doesn't want to tell family because he feels humiliated, you are in a ridiculous embarrassing situation that only seems to makes sense to you. Just leave him and put him out of his misery. You clearly don't like him.

Oblomov22 · 30/12/2022 23:18

Do you come from a loving family? Do you know what a loving relationship is supposed to look like? Not this!

YoBeaches · 30/12/2022 23:18

Fedupex · 30/12/2022 23:15

I bought my own engagement ring and paid for the dinner we had. He didn't ask me. I had to ask him at the end of the night if we were engaged as we had previously spoke about doing it on our 5th anniversary. He said sure yeah I just assumed we was now 😑

Dear god. Come on seriously. Drop him
Like it's hot.

Don't you deserve better?

Original poster
Fedupex · 30/12/2022 23:19

@YoBeaches our issues have been ongoing for a long time what can I say! I'm not stringing along I'm stupidly hopefully that with time things will resolve and we can go back to being happy

OP posts:
Original poster
Fedupex · 30/12/2022 23:20

@Oblomov22 no haha. No love in it at all. Guess it shows huh

OP posts:
BadNomad · 30/12/2022 23:23

Why did you want to get married?

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