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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dp won't tell family we called it off

129 replies

Fedupex · 30/12/2022 21:44

Been engaged to be married end of 2023. I ended up calling off the engagement as straight after we was having back to back arguments and issues. Decided it didn't feel right nor was it right. That was about 5 months ago now. Dp won't tell anyone. I have told dparents and my close friends as the hen do was being planned and so was talk of the wedding. Whenever I question dp he constantly insistence that he just doesn't have that sort of relationship with his parents and it's too "negative" to announce.

But my thing is that mil keeps talking to me about our to be potentional wedding and mutual friends correct me constantly when I don't refer to dp as fiance anymore. It's becoming uncomfortable and upsetting. Dp doesn't see it as a lying. When I told him how it made me feel and why it was important for me that he told at least his parents he made it sound like I was forcing him when surely it is the mature responsible thing after proclaiming an engagement to everyone who now expects a marriage??!

I just feel like he cares more about how he comes across than my feelings which doesn't bode well for our relationship. Dp claims it down to forgetfulness (lke this is a minor thing). I have been questioning the survival of our relationship as I don't know of many (if any) people that call off an engagement to then go ahead and make it work. We have hardly discussed the break up of it and it really feels like the elephant in the room. I feel like I can't talk to dp without him getting touchy about it. So instead I internalise and doubt and get upset about it all on my own.

Aibu or shouldn't he of told people without my coaxing or prompting. I think if I never asked he wouldn't even bother and continue to lead everyone under a false pretence

OP posts:
upandmummin · 30/12/2022 22:13

Our wedding got called off by covid, but it was a blessing as we were on the brink of biting the bullet and calling it off ourselves as we were in a very bad place at that time and definitely weren't in a place to be married. A lot or weddings were getting cancelled (first lockdown) and we were the unusual ones who didn't reschedule, because we weren't sure if we were going to split or not. We didn't tell people the engagement was off we just said that it wasn't the right time and made vague comments about some point in the future. Had a couple questions, a couple of jokes, but no one really pressed. I always referred to him as partner anyway as fiancé sounded odd and no one mentioned that. You don't need to explain to anyone, with cost of living people will probably just assume you need time to save up, make vague noises about the future or the right time and say no more than you are comfortable with. I hope you can work it out. Thankfully we did and got married 18 months later than planned but happily Smile

Oblomov22 · 30/12/2022 22:13

Eh?
None of this makes sense.

Original poster
Fedupex · 30/12/2022 22:13

@CantFindTheBeat that can't be dictated. That can only be decided over time. Dp knows as much as I idea there are alot of issues that need sorting before marriage is even brought to the table. Dp knows he needs to proving alot before we get there. At the moment he hasn't done crap at all that he said he was going to to progress our relationship closer to being ready. And this is not helping.

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 30/12/2022 22:14

Dp doesn't want me telling other people. He clearly doesn't want them to know at all.
Well he cant control you just like you cant control him. So both suit yourselves. You tell everyone, he doesn't have to. Done.

DucklingDaisy · 30/12/2022 22:14

@Fedupex he probably wants to wait to tell people when you've decided whether you're breaking up or staying together and getting married. Announcing this kind of limbo state is a bit embarrassing and juvenile seeming, and presumably there's a time limit. At some point you have to decide if you're in or out.

Beees · 30/12/2022 22:15

Floralnomad · 30/12/2022 22:05

It sounds completely dysfunctional , he’s good enough to live with , have kids with and presumably sleep with but not good enough to actually marry , I’m not surprised he’s not telling people , it’s just weird .

Dysfunctional is exactly what it sounds like.

You're not boyfriend and girlfriend it's odd. You're a couple with children who are still for all purposes living together, in a relationship and sharing a life together but you're saying that's not what you want. If that's the case you need to end the relationship. How else do you explain a relationship breakdown which isn't actually a breakdown.

Original poster
Fedupex · 30/12/2022 22:15

@Quitelikeit not really. You don't know any of the reasons as to why our relationship the way it is and if you think you've got it all figured out by these few responses that says alot about you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fedupex · 30/12/2022 22:16

@Beees who said it has to be one or the other? Life isn't as black and white as that

OP posts:
Laserbird16 · 30/12/2022 22:16

What are you doing? Him not telling people about the engagement off is just a symptom of wider problems. Go get couples counseling and work out if you can resolve your issues as a couple or find a way to co-parent amicably for your kids.

CantFindTheBeat · 30/12/2022 22:17

Then you need to find a new normal, OP, because you've already chosen the ultimate commitment of having children with him.

Taking the high road of 'not worthy of marriage but worthy to be my kid's father' is a bit of a cop out, to be honest,

DucklingDaisy · 30/12/2022 22:17

@Fedupex what does he need to do to prove to you it's a good idea to commit and marry him, and if he doesn't do it how long before you accept the change isn't coming and end the relationship?

Original poster
Fedupex · 30/12/2022 22:17

FYI he didn't even propose to me properly. Heck he didn't even propose at all. I don't mean he didn't buy me flowers and balloons heiterally didn't ask me if I wanted to marry him. It started everything off on the wrong foot and is part of the reason I called it off.

OP posts:
Tallulah28 · 30/12/2022 22:18

Fedupex · 30/12/2022 22:13

@CantFindTheBeat that can't be dictated. That can only be decided over time. Dp knows as much as I idea there are alot of issues that need sorting before marriage is even brought to the table. Dp knows he needs to proving alot before we get there. At the moment he hasn't done crap at all that he said he was going to to progress our relationship closer to being ready. And this is not helping.

“Progress” the relationship to what/where though? You have children together? Why is marriage seen as more of a commitment? What exactly are you holding out for that will make it seem more permanent somehow? Either the relationship is your long term plan or it isn’t. A wedding, that you’d made zero plans for, and most likely those around you knew wouldn’t happen doesn’t make any difference to that?

Original poster
Fedupex · 30/12/2022 22:18

@CantFindTheBeat he is a good dad. Doesn't mean he is a good partner. They are two entirely different things unfortunately

OP posts:
Tallulah28 · 30/12/2022 22:18

Fedupex · 30/12/2022 22:17

FYI he didn't even propose to me properly. Heck he didn't even propose at all. I don't mean he didn't buy me flowers and balloons heiterally didn't ask me if I wanted to marry him. It started everything off on the wrong foot and is part of the reason I called it off.

If he didn’t propose then how was the agreement to marry ever quantified?

Beees · 30/12/2022 22:20

Fedupex · 30/12/2022 22:16

@Beees who said it has to be one or the other? Life isn't as black and white as that

Well of course it's one or the other.

You don't see the relationship having a future and he does. He doesn't want to tell people it's over because at the moment it's not and you don't want to stay with him in the long term so are acting like the relationship is normal when in your mind it's already over.

It makes absolutely no sense to stay with him and I don't understand why you've made any attempts to finish it in the last 5 months instead of living on some sort of limbo.

Original poster
Fedupex · 30/12/2022 22:20

@Tallulah28 to me children aren't a commitment to each other. They are a commitment in themselves, but there is no say that he has go stick around for me because we have kids together. A marriage, a comittment towards our relationship, that is more personal to me.

OP posts:
PotatoScone1 · 30/12/2022 22:20

Do you know what? It’s not meant to be this hard, or this complicated. New year, new start.

LateAF · 30/12/2022 22:21

Fedupex · 30/12/2022 22:18

@CantFindTheBeat he is a good dad. Doesn't mean he is a good partner. They are two entirely different things unfortunately

if he’s not a good partner then call the whole relationship off, not just the wedding. Life is too short.

Original poster
Fedupex · 30/12/2022 22:21

@Beees we arent living in limbo. We both agreed on this being the right thing even though I said it first. We are back to just being partners. Not fiancé's. We could potentionally work back to being engaged or we could end up breaking up entirely if it doesn't work out at all. It makes sense

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 30/12/2022 22:22

I think you’re focussing on the wrong thing.

It’s unusual to call off a wedding but carry on like you are.

You say that you haven’t really discussed it. You need to.

You say it’s not your job to tell people. Why not? You’re asking something of him which is clearly difficult, perhaps painful, for him. Why not do it yourself if you’re the one who wants everyone to know?

The expression ‘shit or get off the pot’ is jumping into my mind. Stop wasting everyone’s time, lives and emotional investment, including your own. Talk properly. Make a decision. Get some individual or relationship counselling to help with this, if you need to. Tell people what you want them to know. He isn’t you. He doesn’t feel the same as you. If you’re going to break his heart, better to do it quickly and cleanly, than keep stabbing at it for months or years or whatever you’re planning.

Original poster
Fedupex · 30/12/2022 22:23

@PotatoScone1 not really. I have no where to go and we have kids to think about. It's just not that simple.

OP posts:
WaddleAway · 30/12/2022 22:23

what have you ‘called off’? He didn’t propose, and you hadn’t booked anything. So surely you haven’t called anything off? You had a discussion about potentially getting married at the end of 2023, now you’ve changed your mind. Maybe. There isn’t really anything to tell people.

Branleuse · 30/12/2022 22:23

i think its up to him when or if he tells his friends and family, as long as they havent had invitations and booked hotels etc

Branleuse · 30/12/2022 22:25

i think this sounds like a high conflict/drama relationship.