Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dp won't tell family we called it off

129 replies

Fedupex · 30/12/2022 21:44

Been engaged to be married end of 2023. I ended up calling off the engagement as straight after we was having back to back arguments and issues. Decided it didn't feel right nor was it right. That was about 5 months ago now. Dp won't tell anyone. I have told dparents and my close friends as the hen do was being planned and so was talk of the wedding. Whenever I question dp he constantly insistence that he just doesn't have that sort of relationship with his parents and it's too "negative" to announce.

But my thing is that mil keeps talking to me about our to be potentional wedding and mutual friends correct me constantly when I don't refer to dp as fiance anymore. It's becoming uncomfortable and upsetting. Dp doesn't see it as a lying. When I told him how it made me feel and why it was important for me that he told at least his parents he made it sound like I was forcing him when surely it is the mature responsible thing after proclaiming an engagement to everyone who now expects a marriage??!

I just feel like he cares more about how he comes across than my feelings which doesn't bode well for our relationship. Dp claims it down to forgetfulness (lke this is a minor thing). I have been questioning the survival of our relationship as I don't know of many (if any) people that call off an engagement to then go ahead and make it work. We have hardly discussed the break up of it and it really feels like the elephant in the room. I feel like I can't talk to dp without him getting touchy about it. So instead I internalise and doubt and get upset about it all on my own.

Aibu or shouldn't he of told people without my coaxing or prompting. I think if I never asked he wouldn't even bother and continue to lead everyone under a false pretence

OP posts:
FabFitFifties · 30/12/2022 23:25

YABU for not telling people yourself, and also for stringing him along.

Motnight · 30/12/2022 23:25

Fedupex · 30/12/2022 23:15

I bought my own engagement ring and paid for the dinner we had. He didn't ask me. I had to ask him at the end of the night if we were engaged as we had previously spoke about doing it on our 5th anniversary. He said sure yeah I just assumed we was now 😑

Op you deserve more than this.

TangledWebofMincemeatDeception · 30/12/2022 23:26

God he’s not exactly a Prince among men, is he?

It’s not going to change. He’s not going to change.

It will never be different.

Seeingadistance · 30/12/2022 23:26

Fedupex · 30/12/2022 23:15

I bought my own engagement ring and paid for the dinner we had. He didn't ask me. I had to ask him at the end of the night if we were engaged as we had previously spoke about doing it on our 5th anniversary. He said sure yeah I just assumed we was now 😑

So you pushed him into it, and now you’re pushing him out of it!

Poor guy!

Redebs · 30/12/2022 23:28

You bought your own engagement ring???

Why???

Redebs · 30/12/2022 23:29

carpool · 30/12/2022 22:50

I'm not quite sure how you managed to have more than one DC under 3 but 'haven't had sex for years'. Must have been the immaculate conception!

Yep!

Original poster
Fedupex · 30/12/2022 23:33

@Redebs I don't have 3 dc. Learn to read. It's getting exhausting

OP posts:
Original poster
Fedupex · 30/12/2022 23:34

@Seeingadistance I didn't force him into anything. It was a mutual agreement that we wanted to be engaged. You can't push anyone into doing something they don't want to do. And this thread is a clear example that I can't push dp into doing anything lol

OP posts:
Dibbydoos · 30/12/2022 23:38

Lucky escape, OP. Make it clear to everyone it's off. If he doesn't have the balls to do it, you do it to make sure you're mental wellbeing is good x

HallieBo · 30/12/2022 23:41

It's embarrassing. Telling everyone you've called off your engagement but yet you're still together....don't blame him for feeling awkward

Cornishclio · 30/12/2022 23:45

Simple answer is you tell anyone who asks that there is no wedding planned as engagement is off for the forseeable future. Like others I am not sure whether you are waiting for him to change but you may be waiting a long time. It does not sound like he was that on board initially anyway if you had to buy the ring and ask him to confirm whether you were engaged or not. It sounds like you have other issues too so maybe a plan to leave is the next step for you and the question of who tells his family is quite irrelevant then.

Original poster
Fedupex · 30/12/2022 23:45

@HallieBo he wanted to as much as me.he is not a victim here.

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 30/12/2022 23:46

Tell his mum the wedding is off because you had second thoughts. Explain how you had bought the engage ring in the first place and he had gone yeah ok to marrying in a weak way and now he's pushing for it, not because he wants to but because he's too embarrassed to tell his mum it's off.

And have done with it.

Original poster
Fedupex · 30/12/2022 23:46

@HallieBo also if i can manage to tell dm so can he. It's not that embarrassing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fedupex · 30/12/2022 23:48

@RedToothBrush I wish I could but we don't have that sort of relationship. Everything is my fault when it comes to her. Her precious son can do no wrong

OP posts:
BadNomad · 30/12/2022 23:55

Fedupex · 30/12/2022 23:33

@Redebs I don't have 3 dc. Learn to read. It's getting exhausting

You talked about children. Plural. You said "DC are under 3". You didn't say you have three children, but your language indicates more than 1 child born within the last three years of a relationship which has been sexless for many years. That's why people are confused.

Francisca459 · 30/12/2022 23:56

Fedupex · 30/12/2022 22:00

To be clear.

We agreed to go back to being bf/gf so there was never a question on anyone's behalf about where we stood.

I'm not telling him to announce it but he should of at the least told his parents and his close friends. It's hardly fair that I'm put into awkward situations by his silence when they tell me that's your finance not your bf what do you mean. It's not my Job to the correct them.

You can never "Go Back". . It's finished and he needs to tell his family/friends.

Redebs · 30/12/2022 23:59

Fedupex · 30/12/2022 23:33

@Redebs I don't have 3 dc. Learn to read. It's getting exhausting

I didn't say 3 children anywhere

Redebs · 31/12/2022 00:09

You didn't use contraception and had two children with him.
You bought the engagement ring.
You wore him down to get him to agree to the wedding.
Presumably you were the one who spread the word about the wedding, since he seems so reluctant. Were you hoping he would spring into action and treat you the way you think you deserve?
Are you trying to embarrass him in front of his family now that he hasn't shown willing to be your husband?

Please get serious about focusing on your children. You are a mother. The wife thing is irrelevant; let it go.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 31/12/2022 00:11

Send a group text to those concerned saying you both decided to cancel.

Original poster
Fedupex · 31/12/2022 00:18

@Redebs you are just so off the mark. But I'm not going to justify me as mother to you when I don't even know you and vice versa.

OP posts:
cherry2727 · 31/12/2022 00:27

Op can you clarify the number of dc that you have ?

I don't understand how you could still be with someone with whom you've called off the engagement/wedding from? You said the relationship is dead - why can't you leave ?

Redebs · 31/12/2022 00:37

I'm just reading your words. You have revealed it here yourself. Between the lines you were writing, your story came out.

I don't go round firing off randomly at people on the Internet, but it's clear from what you have written that you have a reluctant partner. He doesn't want to be your husband. He didn't want to be your fiance.

I'm genuinely concerned that your children were a part of your vision for yourself as a wife in a family. I think you need to adjust your perspective and think about what your babies need now, for their sakes.

We will never meet. We are strangers on the internet. All I know of you is what you have written, and for anyone with a bit of insight, your issues are clear. You have a wonderful future potentially, with your precious children. Please don't waste your strength and energy on a man who doesn't want to be your husband. You don't need a husband.

Good luck x

BabyOnBoard90 · 31/12/2022 00:37

YABU. You're still together so that complicates things and if you feel so strongly about it, tell them yourself.

MrsAmaretto · 31/12/2022 00:43

@Fedupex Ive just read all your posts, your romantic relationship is clearly over? You’re wasting your time and it’s time to call it quits. Hope 2023 brings you happiness