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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no - relatives child

551 replies

littlepercy · 30/12/2022 16:35

I'm feeling pretty awful about this so wanted to get some opinions.

My SIL and her husband are a mess and always have been. They have recently had their 4 year old daughter removed from them for reasons I won't go into here. They are hoping to get her back living with them eventually but when that will be who knows (if ever).

SIL is DHs only sibling and therefore DN is his only niece too. His parents are elderly and cannot help. We are being asked to take DN indefinitely to avoid more permenant foster care.

We have 2 DC together, a DS who is 3 and a DD who is 6. I am a SAHM and DH works full time.

We technically have the room here but I don't think this is something I could cope with, I'd be essentially on my own dealing with this as DH would be at work. Understandably DN is showing troubling behaviour too due to all the upheaval.

DH feeling under pressure from his sister and feels awful saying no but understands as it's me who'd be expected to do most stuff day to day then it's really down to me.

OP posts:
TeenDivided · 30/12/2022 18:01

What is so lovely is to see all these people willing to take on a traumatised child 'in a heartbeat'. Let's hope at least 10% of them go on to contact SS in the new year to offer to be foster carers ....

jannier · 30/12/2022 18:02

If the shoe was on the other foot and a family member could take your children in whilst say you were in a long term hospital or worse would you want your child in foster care because the trauma of losing you was too difficult for the child.
My friend took her niece in process took 18 months to be approved so she arrived just before age 5 she's now 13 and still there obviously it stressed the family but non of them regret it....they had to share a bedroom with the older, teenage daughter but it was fine.

krustykittens · 30/12/2022 18:02

You have had some brilliant advice on here, OP. I would just add that whatever happens, it has to be a decision you DH makes with you and fully supports you with. This NOT down to you alone, taking custody of this child affects the whole family and I would want my partner to go through the decision making process with me and understand all aspects of what is a very complicated situation. It is very unfair to put all responsibility for this decision into your hands, your DH has to take ownership as well.

Ursuladevine · 30/12/2022 18:02

TeenDivided · 30/12/2022 18:01

What is so lovely is to see all these people willing to take on a traumatised child 'in a heartbeat'. Let's hope at least 10% of them go on to contact SS in the new year to offer to be foster carers ....

Yes very easy to type out a couple of lines saying “hell yes, I would”

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 30/12/2022 18:03

TeenDivided · 30/12/2022 18:01

What is so lovely is to see all these people willing to take on a traumatised child 'in a heartbeat'. Let's hope at least 10% of them go on to contact SS in the new year to offer to be foster carers ....

Because preventing your neice or nephew being taken into care is exactly the same as opting to Foster unknown children

Hmm
Ragwort · 30/12/2022 18:03

You are very sensible to think this through carefully... we have experience of kinship care in our wider family and, sadly, it has been a very difficult and challenging situation .... the relative never settled (now mid 20s ....and drug and alcohol addicted themselves ... it's not just a case of caring 'until they are 18' Hmm), the parents are broken and the siblings low contact with their parents as they missed out on so much of their own childhood. So no one is happy ... what a mess. It was a decision made with the best of intentions but I know they would not make the same choice again. And the 'support' from Social Services was virtually non existent.

Bunchymcbunchface · 30/12/2022 18:03

I’d have to take her

ridemesideway · 30/12/2022 18:05

I could not see my niece or nephew put into the care system if I was a SAHM with room for them in my home.

TeenDivided · 30/12/2022 18:05

jannier · 30/12/2022 18:02

If the shoe was on the other foot and a family member could take your children in whilst say you were in a long term hospital or worse would you want your child in foster care because the trauma of losing you was too difficult for the child.
My friend took her niece in process took 18 months to be approved so she arrived just before age 5 she's now 13 and still there obviously it stressed the family but non of them regret it....they had to share a bedroom with the older, teenage daughter but it was fine.

Taking in a child because a family member is in hospital is very different to taking in a child who would otherwise be taken into care.

crazeekat · 30/12/2022 18:06

Been here, look after dn 2 yrs. still gets thrown in my face. Eventually placement broke down and he went to foster care anyways. Foster families are the best people to look after them and give them the care and support they desperately need, IF u have any doubts that u will not be able to look after him properly and fairly and equally with ur other children.

Sirzy · 30/12/2022 18:06

its easy for people to say they would do it in a heartbeat when not in the situation. But not so easy when you start to consider the impact it has on everyone else. It may also not be in the best interest of the neice either. It’s better to fully consider things now and say no than have a situation where it implodes for all. They can still support the niece even without her living with them

CruCru · 30/12/2022 18:06

I hate threads like this. Mainly because of all the people who say that of course they would take the child in, no matter what. Presumably these are different from all the MN people who won’t answer their own front doors?

I don’t know what I would do. I hope that, should the OP decide that she really can’t take in the niece, I would pause before judging her.

nettie434 · 30/12/2022 18:06

Who is the pressure from? Social services or your SIL? I would be very worried about doing this without feeling confident that the parents were making efforts to turn their lives around so they were able to manage looking after your niece at some point in the future.

Has your niece been affected by the way she has been brought up? There could be a lot of conflicts if her parents disagree with how you want to provide care.

There is an organisation for kinship carers

kinship.org.uk/for-kinship-carers/

It would be worth checking out their website for more information on what's involved.

TeenDivided · 30/12/2022 18:06

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 30/12/2022 18:03

Because preventing your neice or nephew being taken into care is exactly the same as opting to Foster unknown children

Hmm
Show quote history

The impact on the OP day to day is the same whether the child is related or not. In fact the impact is likely to be more negative because of family dynamics / politics.

jannier · 30/12/2022 18:07

Triflenot · 30/12/2022 17:40

I wouldn’t do it. I especially wouldn’t with children of the age of the OP’s.

I have met a few foster carers, and would be happy for a relative of mine to be cared for by any of them.

It's not the foster carers but the system for long term care that sees children moved about and what happens when they are old enough to leave along with the emotions caused by being rejected by their whole family. They don't think practical thoughts but God why was I so horrible and unlovable at 4 my uncle rejected me? I must be evil, nasty, so naughty, ugly etc...

crazeekat · 30/12/2022 18:07

catmademedoit · 30/12/2022 16:49

This is a really awful position to be in but I could not cope with knowing I'd allowed that child to go into the care system

I would have to have her but access all support services , provisions and any funding available

Consider your own children and ensure they remain safe happy and secure in their home

This wee girl needs the same and has probably never had it

What ever decision you make I wish you the best OP

OP Has not allowed the child to go into care, her shitty parents have.

OhChristmasTreeOhChristmasTreeFaLaLa · 30/12/2022 18:08

You have space, similar aged children and are a sahm, I can't understand why you'd say no? It'd be far more traumatic for her to be placed with strangers who may not treat her with kindness, anything could happen to her. If it was my neice I'd be bending over backwards to help, especially if I didn't work.

Original poster
littlepercy · 30/12/2022 18:08

Sorry I've not caught up with every reply yet but some info PPs have requested...

When I say technically have the room I mean we could have DD share a room with DN and DS in by himself, they currently have their own rooms.

My main concern is our children and how they would cope. DD especially is very sensitive and I worry how she would handle this.

We are not close to SIL, DH and her barely talk mainly because she just seems to make bad decisions at every turn, since before I even met him they haven't been on the best of terms.

As such, we barely see DN, I think I've met her 4 times in her life. My children have only met her less than that. I won't have SILs partner around our DC, he's a walking red flag, threatened to kill DH in the past, been to prison for GBH, he's a horrid human being and SIL isn't much better. Unfortunately yes there are drug issues. I'm surprised it's taken until now for SS to become involved to be honest. So yes another concern is the parents.

Frankly I just don't want this upheaval to our lives and most importantly of all, my children's lives.

PIL cannot help, they are elderly and are so weary of SILs behaviour themselves. From what I gather, her partner's parents went NC years ago with him.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 30/12/2022 18:08

TeenDivided · 30/12/2022 18:06

The impact on the OP day to day is the same whether the child is related or not. In fact the impact is likely to be more negative because of family dynamics / politics.

Show quote history

Incorrect.

She knows the child. The child knows her. The child would be in a home with blood relatives who know her family, her parents, her life.

LouLou198 · 30/12/2022 18:09

I would definitely take her, especially if I was a sahm and had the room. I would want her to stay with family.

Sirzy · 30/12/2022 18:10

Given the update about the father being volatile I would be concerned about the risk that would pose for your family. It may be that it’s best for her to be placed in a home where her father won’t know the address and be able to make un authorised contact

LegoLassie · 30/12/2022 18:11

We've been in this exact situation and after much soul-searching we said no. Although SS interviewed us several times at length and assessed us as suitable they did infer that it would be extremely challenging and that it would be likely to negatively impact our own young family. In our case there would have been no financial help and the arrangement was expected to be until the child was as least 16.
I also always said I could never say no but it really isn't black and white at all.
Feel free to PM me if you like @littlepercy

girlmom21 · 30/12/2022 18:11

TeenDivided · 30/12/2022 18:01

What is so lovely is to see all these people willing to take on a traumatised child 'in a heartbeat'. Let's hope at least 10% of them go on to contact SS in the new year to offer to be foster carers ....

I don't want to be a foster carer. I'm not in a position to be a foster carer. But if it was for my own relative, I'd do it in a heartbeat. They're completely different and you know it.

EternalSunshine19 · 30/12/2022 18:11

Stressedmum2017 · 30/12/2022 16:41

There is absolutely no way I could see a child of my family go in to care when I could have her. Not saying it would be all roses but my god anythings better than that alternative. Poor little girl.

Agree with this. The care system isn't something i would want my family member going into

poormanspombears · 30/12/2022 18:11

@littlepercy I think you would have to provide DN their own room. I have a family who have an SGO of their grandson and part of the requirement was that they had to have their own room and space.

If you're genuinely considering it, write down all your questions and meet with SS to go through them. Contact some agencies and get advice and google the hell out of it.