To say no - relatives child

[littlepercy]

I'm feeling pretty awful about this so wanted to get some opinions.

My SIL and her husband are a mess and always have been. They have recently had their 4 year old daughter removed from them for reasons I won't go into here. They are hoping to get her back living with them eventually but when that will be who knows (if ever).

SIL is DHs only sibling and therefore DN is his only niece too. His parents are elderly and cannot help. We are being asked to take DN indefinitely to avoid more permenant foster care.

We have 2 DC together, a DS who is 3 and a DD who is 6. I am a SAHM and DH works full time.

We technically have the room here but I don't think this is something I could cope with, I'd be essentially on my own dealing with this as DH would be at work. Understandably DN is showing troubling behaviour too due to all the upheaval.

DH feeling under pressure from his sister and feels awful saying no but understands as it's me who'd be expected to do most stuff day to day then it's really down to me.

It is not just the child you need to think about. What about her parents? How will they be involved or try to be involved or try not to be involved? This will be extra burden to sort out.

OP, I would say no UNLESS you are planning on going low or no contact with SIL and BIL. Here’s why.

Often the adult siblings of a child in care’s parents feel pressure from SS. The fact that your DH is receiving pressure from the PARENT (his sister), tells me that she wants her child to remain in the family not because it’s best, but so she can still remain in the child’s life. Part of the whole point of a child going into care is to remove them from the upheaval and emotional turmoil of their parents having constant access (which is why SS should oversee any contact - so they can determine when it’s healthy to start allowing contact, and when it’s not).

Ask DH’s sister - would she still want you to take her child if one of your rules was that all her contact with your niece had to go through SS? If she agrees to that, then maybe there’s hope for you fostering your niece. If, instead, she kicks off hugely and says that YOU’D be the one ripping the family apart or other emotive language, then you have your answer of what a stressful disaster this would be, for you and for your niece, who would never have a chance to heal from her time with her parents.

It isn’t a case of only having 2 kids and an extra one won’t make any difference. I have two kids and it’s bloody hard work at the best of times.
And going from a family of four to five is a massive step.
Finances, space, family dynamics, all needs to be thoroughly though through. OP you obviously know all this anyway.

It’s horrible that her sister in law is putting pressure on her own brother, when she failed the child herself. Maybe a child being looked after by a professional foster carer would be better, if it means her sister in law will keep interfering?

Im sure your sister in law won’t keep to the rules and would probably try to see the child when she’s not meant to, maybe ? I think she’ll cause you all further problems.

I would defo take the child in. No way could I let a family child go to some strangers care when I have the time and space available. I get everyone is different however being a SAHM aswel makes it so much easier... you aren't giving anything up other than time which luckily for you, you have.
Hopefully the behaviour of the child will be better once in established routine with clear boundries and love.
Good luck in your decision, and what an incredible thing to do should you choose.

She will spend her life shunted from one foster carer to another if you don’t take her in. Trauma after trauma. She’s family, and she’s 4. I couldn’t in good conscience not take her in. The right and moral choice is to take her. Your affection and love towards her will grow.

Not necessarily.

I can't imagine not taking her in this situation.
YABU.

I couldn't see a child go into the care system with all the emotional damage that causes. The child is only 4 loads of damage could be done in care in the next few years. I'd have to do it even if I didn't have the room.

Appreciate you're in a tough place, but is this not down to your DH to say what he would/wouldn't do to facilitate this?

What impact would it have on you own children? And you and DH?

Is everyone else just bailing out because they see you as the easy option?

If the kids have already been in care and rejected by their own parents, they will not be easy.

Don't be guilted into this. They might be better off in a long-term foster situation.

If DH is trying to guilt you into it tell him to stop that right now. He doesn't get to offer your services up.

It’s not about putting them before herself . This child is likely to be severely emotionally damaged, at the very least she will have attachment needs . If they are going to have any hope of making her secure her needs will need to come first always . She will need to come before the OPs dc all of the time, her needs will always trump theirs. This will affect all three children’s lives.

⬆️ Great post! This, OP.

This. Lots of excellent questions raised here worth clarifying too though. Let’s face it, while this little girl may have some additional challenges, many many people look after 3 children, and many do this with additional challenges. I’d do this, but be prepared to be hardline with the parents and family and have Dh support on this.

Best case is she goes to foster carers, birth family get their act together, she goes back to them.
Another option, she goes to foster care, birth family don't get their act together, she's placed for adoption as the only or youngest by 2 years by a family who choose her rather than being obliged.
If she's not 'adoptable' or her behaviour is such that several foster placements break down what would that mean for the OP's family if she is placed with them?

what a tough situation.
poor child.

fostering is hard work and can be a financial money pit. not to mention time consuming. family courts, medical appointments, therapy...

if you really want to do this, go for it. but don't be under any illusion that it's an easy ride.

caring for our dn for a few months whilst parent was in hospital & rehab after an accident nearly broke us. and that was without the trauma of abuse/neglect.

Yanbu to refuse.
You have your own children to care for. Your have a responsibility to them.

Why can't SILs DPs family help?

Kinship carers do not necessarily get the same level of practical, emotional or financial support, so you would need cast-iron guarantees that you wouldn’t be left alone to pick up the pieces

Unfortunately there's no such thing as a cast iron guarantee in such cases, and very often no guarantee at all. There may be no point expecting one from the mother, and while social services might offer this or that to persuade you, it can be removed instantly and at whim with no hope of comeback

Ask yourself what you would do if it were YOUR sisters child? I would 100% take in my siblings child. But my husbands sibling’s child - probably would for him, but reluctantly.

Hope that you've found some of the informed comments on here helpful OP - and are able to ignore the keyboard warriors so definite about the "right thing" to do.
Good luck with this challenging decision.

Also something I’ve not seen mentioned is getting dhs parents to agree to regular respite care - having gd for a night or weekend, and a week in the summer holidays, plus having all 3 for a weekend occasionally too. Best to ask this before agreeing as they will be much more likely to agree a rough schedule when they think it will make a difference to your decision than after it’s a done deal.

Ignore any pressure from your DH’s sister. She has no right to do that or guilt you when she has failed to parent her own child herself.

Talk to SS and the current foster carer. I wonder if there is the possibility that you maintain very close contact with the niece and she spends time at your house on a regular basis to maintain her family ties but give you breathing space and also keep her in the care of a foster family who have experience with kids who have had this kind of trauma. This to me would seem the safer option for your own family but offer your niece ongoing family support.

If she is then later returned to her parents you can continue to be in her life.

Had you all been aware how bad things had been for her at home?

I couldn't say no to this. I couldn't live with myself if I had the option to take my niece/nephew and put them into care instead.

That poor girl, she has no hope does she.

I’d take her in a heartbeat. This hurts my heart so much.

I agree with this post the most. It's such a difficult position to be in and I don't envy you at all. Being honest here, if it was my own sibling then I think I would because then I would have support from the other siblings and parents. If it was dh side then no I wouldn't as they are pretty awful as is and we already keep our distance. Over and above it would take alot for me to say yes with my own niece or nephew because I find parenting very hard as is with my own dc. Dh has a health condition which also impacts us so I feel stretched as is.

You could speak to this organisation and think about what type of carer you could be
kinship.org.uk/for-kinship-carers/what-is-kinship-care/

Not just that. Of course SIL and BIL will know where their daughter is and that could lead to all sorts of ructions, pressure and complications for OP and DH. And their own children.