To say no - relatives child

[littlepercy]

I'm feeling pretty awful about this so wanted to get some opinions.

My SIL and her husband are a mess and always have been. They have recently had their 4 year old daughter removed from them for reasons I won't go into here. They are hoping to get her back living with them eventually but when that will be who knows (if ever).

SIL is DHs only sibling and therefore DN is his only niece too. His parents are elderly and cannot help. We are being asked to take DN indefinitely to avoid more permenant foster care.

We have 2 DC together, a DS who is 3 and a DD who is 6. I am a SAHM and DH works full time.

We technically have the room here but I don't think this is something I could cope with, I'd be essentially on my own dealing with this as DH would be at work. Understandably DN is showing troubling behaviour too due to all the upheaval.

DH feeling under pressure from his sister and feels awful saying no but understands as it's me who'd be expected to do most stuff day to day then it's really down to me.

So the sister, who’s actual responsibility it was to care for her OWN child but didn’t, is now pressuring you & DH to take in niece??

This decision needs to be made by you and your DH, do not give a single thought about the sister or what anyone else will think.

It isn’t a clear cut decision, and you’re right to look at the whole picture. If the child’s mother is already pressuring you, I’d be really concerned about the degree to which the parents become entangled with your lives, and pressure you for unapproved arrangements.

If you know you as a family can’t cope, then it would not be helpful for your niece to move to a household where she feels in any way to blame if it doesn’t work out.

The care system isn’t perfect, but foster carers are trained and assessed, the family set- up would be closely monitored, and there would be a wider team ensuring that the looked after-child has the best possible support. Kinship carers do not necessarily get the same level of practical, emotional or financial support, so you would need cast-iron guarantees that you wouldn’t be left alone to pick up the pieces.

£450 a week for a 4 year old? Not with my LA, with mine it is under £200 a week.

I wouldn’t do it. I especially wouldn’t with children of the age of the OP’s.

I have met a few foster carers, and would be happy for a relative of mine to be cared for by any of them.

It's amazing.

There is another thread running where people are telling a mum of a toddler to in no way become a foster carer whilst her child is young because foster children are troubled, show difficult behaviours, will put her toddler at risk etc. As a proper foster carer they would get training and support.

Whereas here, people are saying take the child (who would be a foster child in all but name) without hesitation even though the OP has two young children. As a kinship carer there is a good chance SS would provide far less support to the OP than a paid foster carer would get.

OP. If you think you won't cope, let her go into foster care. They can manage contact arrangement with her parents etc. They will have had training on ho to cope with behaviours and trauma. If she eventually needs to be adopted then at 5 or 6 that is still perfectly possible (my oldest was nearly 8 when placed with us).

I'm talking to someone totally lacking in empathy for the OP.

I don't need advice from someone like you about wising up, thanks. Hilarious thopught.

One child isn't worth more than their siblings.

Btw there have been kinship carers in my family but the person who has undertook the care has had no children living at home.

Wonder how well the OP knows her niece and how much contact there has been over her life. That would make a difference too.

Wonderful you did this and the outcome

SS will probably put pressure on you because you are the “free” option. Foster carers will get around £600 per week. You could try and negotiate with SS, cost of living etc to be able to get extra financial help. That then may mean you can afford a childminder a few days to give you a break.

DH feeling under pressure from his sister and feels awful saying no but understands as it's me who'd be expected to do most stuff day to day then it's really down to me.

You make it sound like your DH has trouble setting boundaries and is under his sister's thumb to a certain degree.

If - and it's a huge if - you agree to take this on, it might be wise to make it clear to your DH that it is on condition that SIL and BIL are never allowed to visit your home and any contact has to be facilitated outside your home by another family member. You absolutely do not want the stress of them popping in and out constantly and trying to interfere with their DD if you're responsible for her day-to-day care.

I would find it very hard to say no but you really need to bargain hard with social services and get as big a fostering allowance as you can and any support they offer - get everything in writing and seek legal advice

If you don't feel you can give your DN a home then it's far better that you just say No. It's very sad but if your DN is four then she's going to be impacted by her parents neglect and again by the seperation from them, if she comes to you and you can't make it work then it will be even worse for the child.
I know two couples who took on a family child in this situation and it's been bloody difficult for both of them- the parents think since they're family they can break all the rulesabout contact and still go on with the behaviour that made the SS take the children in the first place.

Will you get the same support from ss and money that regular foster carers get? If so you’re likely to get a decent amount of money, respite care, access to clubs, support for the child. I’m not sure if you get that for fostering within the family though.

My friend had this situation with her nephew after her brother died and her nephew’s mother wasn’t considered a safe place her nephew to live. She had only been with her boyfriend 18 months m/2 years and they had just moved in together. He asked for a couple of weeks to think while her nephew stayed at his granny’s. After the two weeks, he proposed saying that he was all in for the both of them. She was going to go it alone if he was able to commit.

Personally I couldn't let my DN go into foster care because it might be harder for me. The care system is over crowded and absolutely awful. I also don't know how you'd explain to your DC that you could have helped their cousin but decided not too.

If you possibly can, you need to take her, and assume you are raising her till she is 18.

I know it’s not what you planned, but your 3 year could easily have been twins. I also hear that her behaviour isn’t great, but at 4 it should be reversible, and you will get SS support. I would imagine as you are fostering you would also get some financial support.

At 4 she is well over the 0-2 optimal age for adoption, and as she is their only child (ie they don’t have a track record of children being removed), I don’t think a forced adoption will be on the cards until it is way to late for her to find a family. Going into care is about the worst thing that can happen to a child in terms of life chances.

Obviously, your first duty is to your family as is, so if you really can’t handle it, don’t - although do please make sure you see her weekly.

It’s sensible to think about it seriously, because it’s not like having a birth child, especially if it’s the last thing you want. Bit if you can, you must. Sorry, life is tough sometimes.

If you honestly don't believe you can give your DN what she needs and meet her needs, then yes it's better and fairer to just say no.

Put yourself in your nieces shoes. Would you want your children to disappear into a system where they could be moved around all the time? Growing up knowing no one in the family wanted them?

thats what you might be subjecting your niece to( so how can you call her DN?)

I get it might be difficult for a while but your husband is there evening and weekends snd surely at 4 she’s at school/preschool most of the day so you are just using excuses

We had a whole lot of family support from both sides, and we all had a lot of contact with her/existing bond so the outcome was great in our situation. But that was hard enough, I can only imagine how much harder it would be to take in a child who isn’t bonded, or closely related. It’s such a difficult decision to make.

Another point is that you could still maintain contact with your niece even if she is in foster care, it’s not a case of full time care or zero contact.

Absolutely this. They would far rather place her with you, so you have a strong hand.

What if you thought about the impact it could have on your 2 existing children, bringing a neglected/abused/traumatised child into their family, taking up all your time, hitting them, damaging their toys etc?

I would do it. Poor child having to stay with strangers.

I couldn't let a child go through the care system if I had the space to care for her myself!
You and your children would soon get used to it and with stability her behaviour would improve 🤷‍♀️