To say no - relatives child

[littlepercy]

I'm feeling pretty awful about this so wanted to get some opinions.

My SIL and her husband are a mess and always have been. They have recently had their 4 year old daughter removed from them for reasons I won't go into here. They are hoping to get her back living with them eventually but when that will be who knows (if ever).

SIL is DHs only sibling and therefore DN is his only niece too. His parents are elderly and cannot help. We are being asked to take DN indefinitely to avoid more permenant foster care.

We have 2 DC together, a DS who is 3 and a DD who is 6. I am a SAHM and DH works full time.

We technically have the room here but I don't think this is something I could cope with, I'd be essentially on my own dealing with this as DH would be at work. Understandably DN is showing troubling behaviour too due to all the upheaval.

DH feeling under pressure from his sister and feels awful saying no but understands as it's me who'd be expected to do most stuff day to day then it's really down to me.

Gosh what a difficult situation. Either way if you took on DN or chose not to, either way you've not done anything wrong. This situation isn't of your making and it's hard you've been put in the middle of it. I hope whatever happens everything works out. On your situation I would be concerned regarding the parents aggressive and violent behaviours and would be reluctant myself to get entangled, especially if my own kids could get sucked in but would equally want to help family. Sorry you're in this situation OP.

Could you take dniece on a trial period for say 3 months and see how it goes? I say this as a foster carer myself. Sometimes children in the care system get placed from pillar to post and it wrecks their childhood and makes it hard for them to trust.

You have no idea about what's involved or you wouldn't make such a simple, blanket statement.

Jesus fucking Christ ,this is not a Hallmark movie!

Absolutely this ^!

Talk about trivialising an extremely complex situation!

Every single person I know who was promised that by SS ended up being told “oh we thought it was a family arrangement”.

We, and my nephew, were promised a lot of help (financial, counselling and other help) when he came to live with us. None of it materialised.

Many social workers are absolutely amazing. Some are beyond stretched and make errors because of that. Some promise the world then forget about the child as soon as the door is closed.

@littlepercy Unless you and your DH absolutely 100% want to do it then don’t.
My DN was a well adjusted (considering the circumstances), fairly independent teenager when we took him and it was/is much harder than we anticipated.
SS have delivered nothing they promised and we are not the only ones we know who we’re let down.

So a sickly sweet fantasy then?

you can look at it from one side, but that doesn’t mean there is in reality only one side. There isn’t. OP has a duty to think of herself, her children and her marriage. She has no experience with troubled children, yet she’s expected to take one into her home (and field volatile parents) and risk destroying her family. Choosing to take in a child, when it’s clear she doesn’t want to, will have lifelong consequences for everyone involved.

the only people who should have children are those who actively want them. From the little girl’s perspective, she needs to be with someone who wants her and can meet her needs. ‘Family’ is not inherently better.

It's all very well to say we'd take her in a heartbeat but it's not so simple when faced with the reality. OP, your first responsibility is to your own children. If they will be adversely impacted, there is nothing wrong with thinking twice or saying no.

The issue is, at her age, she may find it hard to find anyone safe and loving who does want her. That's incredibly sad, but a real reality.

Poor girl, she deserves so much more than her shitty parents. I hope she's a lucky one who finds stability and love.

The Op is still the one that would have to deal with the issues.

The processes are you call the police and hope they deal with it. In our case my brother had the police called 19 times to my house and 11 times to DN’s school/the supermarket/other random places we bumped into him.

Until they reach the threshold of being held in custody for it, which takes a fucking age (and that’s after you stop the police brushing it off as family domestics), you deal with it on your doorstep. The Op is the one that will be dealing with the violent addicts on her doorstep.

Obviously the best thing for your DN is her living with functioning family members. I'm not going to pretend that's not the case. A lot of data supports this and it's why family is looked to first for placements and adoptions.

But, OP, I have so much sympathy for you - you didn't choose this but you're in a situation where no matter the choice, there's no getting out of this without some kind of anguish, IMO. TOUGH to raise little ones and it would be a lot of work primarily on you to help DN w/ her emotional trauma. She may get easier over time and you may fall into a rhythm that is manageable, but that's not guaranteed. I wonder if it was your DSis and not your DH's it might feel easier to make that sacrifice? But, your life would look the same regardless of blood connection.

Also, if you don't choose to take her in and she suffers in the future, be prepared to deal w/ your kids' reactions as teens or young adults. I've seen this scenario too - 'why didn't you save my cousin/step-brother/niece?'

If you choose to do it, I'd set some strict ground rules w/ DH where he steps up even more than he does today.

Good luck. Best to you all.

I couldn’t turn my back on my own nieces/ nephews, but no one else can tell YOU what YOU should do. So, no, YANBU to think it through very carefully, nor to decide that it wouldn’t work for you and your family, if you don’t think it would.
At the very least, you need to have a long talk with SS and find out exactly what would be expected of you.
I’m no expert, but maybe it would be possible for your DN to go to a local foster family, and you could visit on a regular basis, to build a relationship,with her as you don’t appear to know her very well atm, and she might be better off, at least for now, with people with experience. Then, you could see how things go.

Absolute bullshit.

Care leavers, at age 18 stop being LAC and come under the leaving care team. They are, if no alternative is available, placed in supported accommodation services such as the one I work in. There is a waiting list for these services usually, and while the leaving care team do try their best to maintain contact and support those young people it’s very difficult to keep track of a care leaver who is sofa surfing with friends because there is no placement for them, or one who has decided to live with a partner who later becomes abusive and guess what, their name isn’t on the tenancy.

Supported accommodation usually lasts for 2 years, in which time we try our best to get a young person housed by the council. They have higher priority on the housing list, but even if they were at the top there is a shortage.

Leaving care support ends at 21, or 25 if the young people don’t sign out before and then there’s nothing.

These people have little to no education, no family support, lack basic skills such as budgeting and food preparation and if they are single, after their rent is paid they are expected to live on the princely sun if £250 for all bills except rent.

They go through a lifetime, or part of a lifetime in the system, being professionally patented and when they get to 18 they’re pretty much on their own and expected to a) find a job b)keep a job and c) maintain a tenancy.

Of course many of them end up street homeless.

Also, if you don't choose to take her in and she suffers in the future, be prepared to deal w/ your kids' reactions as teens or young adults. I've seen this scenario too - 'why didn't you save my cousin/step-brother/niece?

If OP doesn't take in her niece and she suffers because of it, it is not OP's fault. It is still wholly the fault of her parents. If the other kids want to know why she didn't, she can explain or simply tell them that she considered it but it was more than she was able to handle personally at that time. No-one gets to tell her she did the wrong thing. They don't walk in her shoes.

Is mum wanting you to take her because she thinks she will have access whenever she likes? You need to weigh up what's best for this wee girl and your children.

And please don’t get me started on the amount of adoptions that break down.

Social care do not have the means to offer proper support to those leaving care - it’s a once weekly visit at best, there is no ongoing support just a lot of signposting. We do more support than social workers, not digging them out in training to be one, but because of case loads the extensive support needed to get a young care leaver ready for the big bad world just isn’t there, and that’s not even considering the probability that the young person is suffering from additional complex needs that require support - offending, mental health issues, addiction…there are no services, they’ve been cut to the bone.

I doubt they’ll question why her parents didn’t take in their cousin who they barely know anyway.
I wouldn’t have have expected my parents to, if the situation was the same. Likewise , they might resent the OP if it severely impacts their lives and she does take her niece in. Have you read the OPs reasons for
why she’s reluctant to do this? Sorry this is aimed at lifeinthehills

If your dniece is 4 she will be in school full time soon so you would get a break from her every day. Ask what care package she will get. There is a kinship package.

Yes, and they're all good reasons.

It would be lovely if we could all step up at such times. There are times in life I could have and would have, at present I know I couldn't, even if I wanted to. I don't have the space in my life to meet this child's needs on the practical front, even if I'd be willing to on the emotional front. People have all sorts of valid reasons that they just can't right now. The only reason I'd have to give is, "As much as I'd like to, I know I am not capable of taking on the additional responsibility right now."

I just think some of the posts that could make OP feel like she should are a bit unfair. I wish life were that simple.

Such a tough situation and I feel there is no right or wrong answer here. For me it would completely depend on the child. I have 2 nephews I see all the time, I know them well I know without a doubt that I would take them in. But at the other end of the country I have 2 nephews I don’t know well, they have major difficulties and it would turn our lives upside down to take them in. Our family would implode and I know my own children would suffer in this scenario. I just couldn’t put everyone through it.

Of course, it's not OP's fault, but she might be blamed for it...that was my ultimate point. None of this is her fault, but it's in her lap and she has my sympathies.

Anyone who blames her for it hasn't seen enough of the world or got enough life experience yet. I'd refuse to entertain anyone trying to blame me for it.

I have been in a similar situation, although this was my unborn nephew who would have been taken into foster care shortly after birth after social services came involved and informed us (previously undisclosed to my family) that mum had limited contact with her older children due to neglect and abuse. It's an agonising situation and I really do feel for you having to make this decision.

I think ultimately, it will of course change your family dynamics, and there will be a lot of trauma and negative behaviour while 4yo adjusts and processes which isn't for the faint hearted. I know personally the sleepless nights I had worrying about what might happen and what could have been, but in the end, I ended up having a big health scare and with a toddler and a recently separated relationship, I really did have too much on my plate to be able to do it.

I think about him often, and deeply regret not being able support and care for him, but I accept that i wasn't the best option for him at that time. This isn't a decision to take lightly, and I used to be one who said I'd never let a child in need down but in reality, things don't always go the way we want them to- or feel that they should do. I hope you make the right choice for you 🙂

I disagree actually my parents are foster parents which yes is slightly different but I’ve been there to see how hard it is on the children involved and I stand by my “simple blanket statement” that I would take my sisters child any day over her going into care it wouldn’t even be a question to me and that’s my personal opinion just because you disagree doesn’t give you a rite to put down my opinions

I used to be one who said I'd never let a child in need down

I actually think recognising “Actually, I’m not capable of doing/being what this child needs” is doing the child a massive favour, absolutely not letting them down.

what they need more than anything is honesty from the adults around them.