To say no - relatives child

[littlepercy]

I'm feeling pretty awful about this so wanted to get some opinions.

My SIL and her husband are a mess and always have been. They have recently had their 4 year old daughter removed from them for reasons I won't go into here. They are hoping to get her back living with them eventually but when that will be who knows (if ever).

SIL is DHs only sibling and therefore DN is his only niece too. His parents are elderly and cannot help. We are being asked to take DN indefinitely to avoid more permenant foster care.

We have 2 DC together, a DS who is 3 and a DD who is 6. I am a SAHM and DH works full time.

We technically have the room here but I don't think this is something I could cope with, I'd be essentially on my own dealing with this as DH would be at work. Understandably DN is showing troubling behaviour too due to all the upheaval.

DH feeling under pressure from his sister and feels awful saying no but understands as it's me who'd be expected to do most stuff day to day then it's really down to me.

@littlepercy

Please ignore posters trying to guilt trip you into this decision.

One thing that strikes me is that in putting the responsibility of the decision on to you, your DH isn't really on board with it himself. What exactly would he be prepared to do to make this work?

There are three children involved here and you are right to consider the impact on your children, particularly in the light of the threats from the father. From what you have described, if social workers were seeking to place her for adoption, they would be looking for a family at a distance from the home for security reasons and the adoptive family would be advised on measures to take to protect their identity and their location.

I'm an adoptive parent. Two years ago, when my son was 16 I was asked if I would consider adopting his two year old half sibling. Like you and your DH, I was the quickest, easiest and cheapest option for the social workers. Sadly I had to say no. If you and your DH say no, they will look at every other family member, including the father's family.
Whatever happens to your niece, it is not you who are not sending her into care, her parents are responsible for that.
The solution is not easy, it may well be the best thing for her to be adopted by a family where she will be the sole focus of attention. If she were to be adopted, or remain in long term foster cafe, that does not mean you can have no involvement in her life. If you and DH wanted to you can have contact with her.
I keep repeating you and DH. I think its fundamentally unfair of your DH to place the decision on you. Whoever is the blood relative, it should be a joint decision, otherwise it may cause issues for you in the future.
Good luck with whatever decision is made.

With what you have said, the only way you can take your DN in is if you have nothing to do with SIL. She would not be able to "pop in" to see her DD, and her Do cannot ever see the child.

This is actually far harder to do than you might imagine. An anonymous foster carer actually has a better chance of keeping your DN away from her parents than you do.

Do you want another biological child yourself OP? You'd have to be absolutely sure about that,as it would be unlikely to be practical if you take on the care of your niece. How do you think your DC would cope? Be aware that social services will pull out after a few months if a SGO is granted. You'll be on your own, practically and financially, and also in dealing with demands from her parents. It's an incredibly difficult decision that I don't envy. If you were approached rather than volunteering, I sway towards this not being a good fit for her.

Is there any financial assistance for this through social services? That could allow you a nanny a couple of afternoons a week, or help with school pickup, or when a child is ill. Or you could get a cleaner or laundry sent out. Or somone to meal prep and freeze evening meals once a week.

Any of that would give you breathing space and more time to focus on all three children.

Sorry, just focusing on practicalities and finance above. Can see from later posts there are additional complexities. 🌺

Now I've seen your update OP, seems even less of a good fit.

This.........

There's no way my niece or nephew would go into care if I could help it so I wouldn't make DH go through that either.
Yes you're strangers to her but not as much as a children's home, multiple fosters carers etc.

We would never Foster or adopt, I have three kids, one more than planned, not enough room etc but they're are sacrifices of name for family I couldn't make for a stranger

As much as everyone would love to think they would just simply take in a family member it’s not actually as simple as it sounds.

my ex MIL now has full guardianship of her grandson and had fostered him since birth, she had to travel three times a week to contact centres, SS visits weekly, meetings with special guardians etc monthly, pressure from the child’s mother to do contact secretly and it effected her mental health badly and this went on for almost two years before she was granted guardianship.

someone here said you wouldn’t get paid fostering allowance but you would if money was a worry, you are still entitled to fostering allowance however like others have said you need to think about how this will effect your own childrens lives as they come first. My ex MIL only had her grandson to worry about and that was hard enough.

“Whatever happens to your niece, it is not you who are not sending her into care, her parents are responsible for that.”

That is so true, and something you mustn’t loose sight off.

OP doesn’t want to do it. She doesn’t want to put her own children through it either, or risk destroying her family. It’s no small undertaking. ‘But family’ doesn’t mean she had to sacrifice herself, her children and DH in order to do something she clearly doesn’t want to do, that she’s ill prepared for. ‘But family’ doesn’t not mean OP is then better option for this child.

I'm not sure where the OP is based, but in Scotland (in my council area anyway) kinship carers are paid the same as the fostering allowance.

This exactly.

I would take her in.

Not for SIL. In fact, that's the first thing I'd be emphasising to the social workers; that I don't want this to become powerplay etc with SIL. There needs to be strict boundaries.

But for the poor daughter's sake. I have a 4 yr old and I can't imagine how devastated they'd be to have to live elsewhere, especially with a new environment, new adults, potentially unsafe situations. Hell no.

Also, you don't need to be a SAHM for much longer as presumably your youngest starts school in 18 months or so. You could have more balance/support.

I see it this way.. From the little girls side. Would she be happier with you, your husband and your son and daughter? Would she get on with your children? They are all young enough to be friends together, surely, and one more little girl to look after.. well..I think she would be happier with you, who she must know already..In time it will be like one happy family surely.. I shouldn't compare to that big family who live in Morecambe, and have that programme on tv, they have umpteen happy kids, and they seem to cope and enjoy..One extra kid would soon be 'absorbed' into your happy life..And your mum and dad in law, surely would be happier to see their little granddaughter with her cousins? You may feel happier too, knowing you have made that little girl happy . Good Luck.

I understand it will be difficult but i could not turn her away am afraid she is family you must be very cruel
To even thing of saying no !

How are you going to establish "strict boundaries with violent addicts"??

Dear god, it's not the fucking Waltons!!

You have enough to do with looking after your kids. I’d say that your dn would be best in a home of a professional carer. You have not caused the problem. Your dh knows that you would be doing the bulk of the work and understands it’s not fair on you.

This would be my reaction too.

But you have to be sure you can cope because it is not a decision you can go back on. Could you perhaps share care with your in-laws?

@owdlass
I really don't know where to start with this.
It's not just a case of adding another child.
My son was taken into care at 4. He had 4 years of stable foster care with one family before I adopted him. I'm a single parent, I worked part time, my son had my sole attention, its tool me 7 years, including supporting him through 2 years of therapy to get him to a good, stable place.He has a good future ahead of him but its taken years of work, and he is by no means the worst impacted adopted/fostered child I have encountered.

You really have no idea, the same as the majority of posters on this thread.

Think about this long and hard. If SIL takes a dislike to your style of parenting how are you going to deal with it? What happens when SIL wants things done her way and not yours?

That would be for the social worker to establish. I assume parental contact would be court ordered and that would go for any interaction between the families.

I'm not a social worker so I can't answer your question, but this isn't a unique situation. Kids from shitty parents get placed with family all the time, there must be some processes in place.

I think you're right to be cautious for lots of reasons.
Kinship care is hard, really hard and I don't think you should do it unless you feel you want to and can make it work for your family.

She will have trauma and that will impact her. She will then have to cope with the loss of living with her parents and adjust to a new home, family, reality.

She might resent you because you're not her family.

Then you have the family stuff to manage. Contact with parents and the rest of the family. How will that be managed, how will you maintain really good boundaries when the parents are pressuring you to see her, see her alone.

How will you manage if they let her down and don't put her first?

You'll have some support from social services initially. If you had her on an SGO, that will reduce although there could be ongoing financial support.
If you fostered her there would be ongoing financial and practical help but you would be registered as a foster carer, would have your own social worker and the responsibilities and expectations That go along with that.

Basically, it's possible that it could be a great thing for this child and potentially for you but it's a lot and it wouldn't be easy so you'd need to want to do it. If you don't, it's not the best thing for this child.

Personally I could just never see a child in my family go into care when I’m available and could help even if it was difficult or inconvenient to me