To say no - relatives child

[littlepercy]

I'm feeling pretty awful about this so wanted to get some opinions.

My SIL and her husband are a mess and always have been. They have recently had their 4 year old daughter removed from them for reasons I won't go into here. They are hoping to get her back living with them eventually but when that will be who knows (if ever).

SIL is DHs only sibling and therefore DN is his only niece too. His parents are elderly and cannot help. We are being asked to take DN indefinitely to avoid more permenant foster care.

We have 2 DC together, a DS who is 3 and a DD who is 6. I am a SAHM and DH works full time.

We technically have the room here but I don't think this is something I could cope with, I'd be essentially on my own dealing with this as DH would be at work. Understandably DN is showing troubling behaviour too due to all the upheaval.

DH feeling under pressure from his sister and feels awful saying no but understands as it's me who'd be expected to do most stuff day to day then it's really down to me.

I actually think those who are saying “I would do it in a heartbeat” are the most dangerous type of relatives. Is the doing in the heartbeat always about what is best for the child or is it what you think makes you look better?

whatever is decided a decision of this magnitude should never be made in a heartbeat.

I would have her.

I’m not saying it won’t be incredibly difficult for you, but I’ve worked with young children in the care system. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

But the practical issues are thus;

Maybe the OP and her husband opted to have only two kids. Maybe that’s what they budgeted for. Or have the room for.

The OP is a stay at home parent now. But what if she wants ior has to go back to work at some point? What if her finances change?

Have you read the update from OP? She isn’t close to her sister in law, she’s only met the four year old four times in four years. And the sister in laws partner is a criminal who’s threatened to kill her husband.

On this basis , I wouldn’t put my own children at such a risk. There are trained foster parents out there. On the update the OP gave, I’m afraid I’d let the niece ( who she doesn’t really know anyway) go into care.

It may not be even the OPs decision anyway.

The reality is that most parents on here would be complaining about a child lashing out in their own child's classroom but suddenly would happily take in an emotionally damaged child into their own home. A child the OP has met a handful of times. Unless you have experience of attachment disorder or an abused child you have no idea how bad this can get and in your own home there is no escape from it. Also you don't get paid like a foster carer would, don't have the training that some of those foster carers do.

My best friend's Mum fostered children. At times we were not allowed over to their house as it was on lockdown from an abusive father who kept coming to the house.

OP the heartbreaking decision is to not have the child live with you.

YANBU because it’s important to recognise your own limitations.
what I will say, is that despite the amazing work of many amazing foster carers, many children have such awful experiences of the system that it affects them for life. If you are able to prevent this little girl from this risk, you’d be doing the most wonderful thing, after the awful start in life she’s had. Obviously this would mean DH stepping up too as it’s too much for you alone.

Virtue signalling at its worst, because it involves a child. Smacks of no clue of any of the issues the child could have, too, so the worst equipped to deal with any of them.

Nah. Not once has she said she thinks it's better for the niece to live somewhere else. It's all about the OP, how it would affect the OP, how she doesn't want it to affect her life, her children's lives, how they would have to share rooms. Not one thought about the actual child.

Frankly I just don't want this upheaval to our lives and most importantly of all, my children's lives.

Those are her own words. She doesn't care about the child. She doesn't have any relationship with her.

For what it's worth, I would say no too because it would not be best for the child to be so close to her toxic parents. What she needs is stability and therapy to help her process everything. That isn't something I could provide for her. Her. The child.

OP , post this in Fostering there are many experienced foster carers on that topic who will give you balanced , experienced replies .
No rose tinted glasses .

Im a foster carer and the way fostering has affected my 4 year old is unbelievable and not in the best way, so if I were you I would not do it, you have to think of your children first and foremost and of course yourself, I get paid for what im doing but if my thinking is correct you wont get any help financially and believe me its needed and as for emotionally I doubt, as a family member you will get no emotional support, we work for a charity and get a lot of emotional support, obviously foster care is not ideal for any child but we work hard to make a childs life better so maybe foster care is the best option here, dont feel guilty, all the best 💕

Unless you have experience of attachment disorder or an abused child you have no idea how bad this can get and in your own home there is no escape from it. Also you don't get paid like a foster carer would, don't have the training that some of those foster carers do.

This in absolute spades.

Attachment disorder is probably one of the hardest things to deal with.
Love simply isn't enough

The ramifications go on, and on, and on..Long after adulthood is reached.
It's relentless.

Are you aware of the percentage of young people homeless who have been in care. The system destroys children.

I can't believe what I just read. You are seriously considering NOT taking her in? She is only 4. I don't know how you can live with yourself. Heartbreaking.

If you allow yourself to be steamrollered into doing this, you are likely to end up wishing you hadn't-your children will probably wish the same.

I think given what you’ve said, I’d take the heartbreaking decision to say no.

Also I’d say, that even if the OP goes ahead, I think the parents of this poor young child will cause no end of problems. I wouldn’t be surprised if they just turn up and demand things from you, such as seeing the girl or taking her out. It could turn toxic.
The father of this child went to jail for GBH and has threatened the OPs husband.

He’s shown he doesn’t respect the law or the OPs family and he’s hardly likely to take a blind bit of notice of any arrangement when it’s comes to contacting the child. I can imagine him turning nasty with you OP and making blackmail or threats.

That could be a reason why SS would take the child into care anyway, regardless of what you want.
You’ve also said you don’t want to do it, no one can judge you for that. You’ve already made your decision.

As I’ve said before, it will impact your marriage and your children’s lives, no matter how well meaning you are.

it's the neglectful parents that destroy children.

Exactly where I worked. A homelessness prevention supported accommodation service for young people who’s foster placement had broken down, or were leaving the care system at 18 and had nowhere to go.

Positive outcomes for those children were practically non existent.

As awful as this situation is and bloody heartbreaking your own children's needs MUST come first.
This child is a virtual stranger to you all.
Maybe her uncle and you can build a relationship with her and offer a weekend here and there.

Given your update OP, I’m not sure I would take in DN, lovely idea though it may be.

I know of various relatives/family friends either officially or unofficially taking in and bringing up young children . Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, often if parents stay in contact, they don’t follow the rules properly, unless children are in care. I also know children who’ve been brought up by their DF alone whilst the DM lived apart with drug and alcohol issues. Naturally when she saw them or they went to live with her as teenagers it went wrong for at least 2 of the DC who now have issues and one has therapy.

Having said that, I’ve also known GF’s of my DB who were both partly in the care system and my own aunt was fostered and though they were cared for either in care homes or in foster care, they have their own issues relating to that. I mean their home lives were dire so they were cared for.

I just think the chances of DN’s parents causing grief and disruption are too high for you and your family and also the fact your DN barely knows you and your family is another consideration. I think if your DN did know you and your family a lot more then I’d consider it. It may work out but I think I’d let her go into care. As another PP said I’m sure once you take DN on SS will be pleased you’re taking on the lions share of the work and won’t get involved that much.

No, that’s just the beginning trust me.

So many post on here from people who are clueless about the care system and the needs of children who have suffered significant trauma. I doubt many of you stating you would do this would last the distance.

It's pretty obvious how. Being with a family that wants her and can cater to her needs,will be better for her in the long term than OP being forced by emotional blackmail to take her in.

It's really not just love and a bed to sleep in when it comes to trauma,attachment disorders etc.

And people need to stop with their bloody judgements of OP.

@littlepercy Say no. Don’t be guilted by anyone, here or in real life, to make the wrong decision for you and your family.

You didn’t create this, and it’s not your job to fix it.

It is @PopUpMoon . I know someone who fostered children, children from parents like the ones in the opening post and worse, she looked after the most difficult, damaged and traumatised children and babies over many years. All those sanctimonious posters saying they would 'do it in a heartbeat' haven't the faintest clue about just how damn hard it is to care for children coming from circumstances such as the OP's niece is, how you have to know what you are doing, how it impacts on the whole family - it takes a very special kind of person to do it, just parroting that you will love the child is nowhere near enough. The worst of all possible worlds is to believe you can do it and then fail spectacularly and the child ends up in an even worse state than before which is what would happen with most of those posters virtue signalling their 'I'm such a good person' badges.

In the circumstances you describe I think you are wise to be reluctant to take on your niece @littlepercy