The reality is, that any children in this situation will be damaged. They are damaged and their lives impacted in ways that only start to become clear as time passes.
To take this child would involve big sacrifices from OP and all of her family. SS are right to make clear that this would be a very difficult task and everyone in the family will be impacted. It’s important to go I to it with your eyes as open as they can be (and to be honest, until you’re in it, you can’t even imagine some of the issues, however we’ll the SS try to educate you).
Some people are able to make those sacrifices and will choose to do so. Even though it’s terribly hard and they and their own children will lose out in some ways, they will still do it. Others will feel the personal cost and cost to their children is too great. In the end, it’s something its only you can decide - you might find you do have the inner strength to muster and do it,despite how hard it will be, or you might not.
For those children in this situation, their life chances are already hugely damaged and the rejection they’ve faced will impact their whole lives. Current thinking is that if it is possible to keep a child within the extended family, this is really worthwhile and helps prevent that total sense of rejection a child has when removed into care and away from all family. SS work hard to make this happen when it can. It won’t usually be perfect, but none of the scenarios are perfect and they are interested in finding the best possible outcome in a bad situation. So, it isn’t the case that a ‘professional foster carer is better or more equipped. A family member by very definition is different and closer to the child, their background and means the child knows they remain within the family, even if it’s a distant relative.
4 is towards the upper end of adoption ages. If this isn’t something that’s being concerned for this child or there’s too much uncertainty about whether they might return to their parents in future, a longer term fostering arrangement is what would be considered best. Family members are more likely to provide that.
It is a truly horrible dilemma to be faced with. And MN can’t tell you the answer and actually none of the certain responses on the thread, can be sure they would respond like they say if it came to it. Many people might like to think they’d definitely say ‘yes’, but actually it’s a complex decision and anyone with sense would need to know a lot more and understand what’s actually involved before deciding. It’s still a child under SS and most people have little understanding of what that actually means.
OP, you might have a gut reaction to this…you clearly do. I’d say it’s worth remaining non-committal, but finding out more. Find out more about what’s involved, think carefully and vitally discuss it thoroughly with your DH, because this absolutely would need to be a joint decision. Whatever you decide, for your own peace of mind, you need to know you’ve thoroughly looked into whatever the issues are and implications.
And I’d just say too, that this might be something that never really becomes an option anyway. SiL who has had her child removed suggesting it, is not the same as SS themselves looking into it and considering it. There is a lot that would need to happen first.
And if you pray, do pray for guidance on this one. Quite often, people find the answer appears to them and they then feel a sense of peace and purpose in whatever the answer is.