AIBU to wonder how many women are in respectful marriages?

[Gingernat]

I am not researching for anything, I am just nosey! If this question offends anyone, I'm sorry. Please just ignore this thread if so.

I've asked about married couples because finances are different in a marriage setting. But of course if your non-married relationship is a marriage in all but name, fire on and vote!

Sorry it's long! There are a lot more things I could add but I don't want to keep you all day 😁

Does your marriage tick ALL these boxes:

• we consider each other's needs equally important to our own
• we have a fair split of paid work, house work, and caring work, and value each other's contribution
• we both have access to all the money. We either both spend freely from the same pot, or we take out equal spending money each for non-essentials. (I realise this is complicated if you have stepchildren - if so, just consider the essence of the point).
• we (and our children) are the most important thing in each other's lives and our actions show this. We always prioritise our marriage/family in every situation.
• we have each other's backs. We would defend each other against anyone who wrongs us, including our own parents etc.
• we don't engage in any non-monogamous behaviour. We trust each other not to cheat.
• when we disagree, we talk about the problem respectfully. Voices may get a little raised, but we never shout violently at each other. We never trade insults.
• we never abuse each other in any way, even in 'mild' ways, such as giving each other the silent treatment.
• we never lie to each other.
• when times are hard and the relationship is more of a struggle, we both make the effort to spend time together and support each other.
• we always talk about how we're feeling and don't let things fester. If we say 'XYZ is bothering me', the other person makes efforts to change (assuming request is reasonable).
• if we do something wrong, we apologise and try to make changes.

YANBU - my marriage ticks all these boxes.
YABU - my marriage does not.

My LTR (not married) ticks every box except for box 3: we don't (and never will) share money. Hell would freeze over before I'd share money with a man (jeopardising my daughter's inheritance). He's an adult and can look after himself. We don't live together (and probably never will for this reason). Not my job to subsidise a grown-ass man.

Yeah I'd say we're 99% of the way there.

Our arguments used to be less productive and more trading (verbal!) blows - mostly due to not having really learned the emotional tools to communicate properly. But we've really worked on it and I'd say 95% of the time now if we have a disagreement we resolve it healthily. Sometimes we slip back into being snippy and resentful or sulking/silent treatment but the difference is nowadays we're good at calling each other out when we're doing that and resolving it.

Everything else, yes.

Same, everything except 3. We treat each other right in every way, but no way am I subsidising his kids.

Yes BUT we both required therapy during our marriage (childhood issues plus couples counselling). We both had to work on temper and how we deal with conflict so it didn’t come naturally to either one of us.

Yes that’s my marriage.

Yes tick all boxes except now DH works slightly more hours than me but everything else is equal.

Yes to everything except we don't have exactly equal spending money. All bills, food, family experiences etc come out of a joint account that we each pay into based on what percentage our income is to our joint income, so him 60% me 40%. So he does end up with slightly more spending money in his personal account, but I have chosen to work part time whilst the kids are small so I don't have a problem with it.

This feels fair to me, but only because our full time salaries are similar. If either one of us started earning loads more than the other we'd re-evaluate.

Well - looking at that list I can certainly see why I'm not married anymore!

There is a difference between marriage with children and without imho.
We don't share finances for example

That's my 27 year relationship (no wedding). We never argue, our bank account is joint, there's no secrets. We get on amazingly when together 100% of the time - we're back at work today, we've had lunch together and I've video called him as I missed him. We can't wait to retire!

Only said yes to four of those. We're getting divorced!

I'm not sure I agree with all your criteria for a respectful marriage. My marriage is very respectful, but things are not always black and white.

For example, our needs won't always be the same. I am currently pregnant and sick, so my needs (at least my physical ones) are more important right now. He worked and looked after our child for a week straight while they both had RSV, without a break, because it was important for me not to get it. He was on his knees by the end but wouldn't have it any other way.

Your finances situation also doesn't apply to everyone. Lots of people have separate finances, but share payment of bills etc. I also wonder what you mean by non-monogamy? Does that mean a marriage with (agreed) FWBs on the side, for example, cannot be respectful?

Never lying or letting things fester are also nice ideals, but don't always work in practice. I've lied to my husband and told him I like his (hideous) jumper, or that I didn't already know what gift he got me for Christmas. Does that mean I'm disrespecting him? Equally I've decided to let things go to avoid an argument, which means yes, sometimes I seethe quietly to myself (but I know I'll get over it).

Maybe I'm taking your list too literally! (And I'm not coming for you, just aiming to discuss 😊) But my point is that respectful marriages can look very different to different people.

Yes, completely, been together 20 years, married for 15.

@takealettermsjones you wrote what I was thinking.

Especially the end

We have the odd stupid argument and fuck up in a human way, but over a few decades together I’d say we meet them. Substantively. We have the odd moody afternoon with silence, but we’re human. No ongoing issues, but not perfect humans. I include myself in that, but we know when to apologise and do for the blips. We have a split of paid work that works for us fairly, that we agree on- even if not exactly equal

Married 23 years and yes, that pretty much describes it.

You haven't told us about your marriage/relationship OP?

I’d question whether some of these are actually signs of a respectful marriage. Especially this one ‘we (and our children) are the most important thing in each other's lives and our actions show this. We always prioritise our marriage/family in every situation.’

if anything that would be a red flag for me, marriage isn’t about putting yourself last.

Yeah this is us. Im disabled due to a long list of chronic illnesses and dont work. I do what i can on a good day and sometimes nothing on a bad day, when he will step up and cover everything without complaint or me even asking, even though he works F/T.

I look after finances because he( in his own words) is useless and has bipolar which in the past has caused him to spend money we dont have and get us into debt. Now if he wants something( outside of normal day to day spending), he will ask, and I will either say yes or no, but if I say no i give a reason ie " No, money is really tight this month as car is due MOT ect"

This works well for both of us, but we do talk about it regularly. We both came from bad previous marriages and have learned a lot of lessons !

I’ve said YABU not because my marriage doesn’t necessarily tick all these boxes, more because your criteria are over simple.

For example your 6th point and your final point are conflicting. I believe we can make mistakes in a marriage (pretty awful
ones), but it is up to each individual what they can live with and forgive. My husband has needed to forgive me for a lot and I him. Do our past transgressions make our marriage lack respect, does our forgiveness now make us respectful, or have we lost our self respect?
Im not looking for answers to these questions (at a personal level, I’m quite satisfied with my own answers), more that I want to point out your list is not exhaustive, nor will it be relevant to each individual.

In the essential theme I think you’re going for, yes my marriage is one of respect. Does my marriage meet all your criteria - no it does not.

No - because we have our own money (equal income). Split everything 50/50 for essentials but otherwise can do as we like with our money. And I don’t think ‘we’ should always come first (no kids). I value my own family and friendship as much. You need to maintain a life outside your marriage

Almost all of those.

• Not an “equal” split of paid/unpaid work as I am a SAHP and DH is the breadwinner. So we have different roles
• We can have ugly fights. We always repair afterwards and these are becoming more and more infrequent as we are both committed to avoiding this kind of conflict.
• DH “lied” to me recently in hiding the fact that he had allowed the dog upstairs - dog had vomited - DH tried to clean it up. This all unravelled when he couldn’t get the stain out or cope with the pressure of hiding it from me 😂
• DH is not the best at sharing feelings, but he has come a long way.

Sounds pretty bloody boring to me
Where's the fun element

i took the list to mean that you would balance needs as they need to be, not that things would be split 50:50.

pregnancy is a good example. I had hyperemesis . DH went above and beyond to take care of me and shift as many responsibilities to himself. To me that is a perfect example of a respectful marriage.

we don’t split each task 50:50, we play to our strengths and aim to have the overall burden shared equally.

we (and our children) are the most important thing in each other's lives and our actions show this. We always prioritise our marriage/family in every situation.

I disagree that this is always a good thing, I think it can lead to people in relationships becoming isolated and finding their friendships have dwindled over the years because less important family things have been prioritised over things that were important to someone else you purported to care about outside your immediate family.

We aren't perfect but we do most of these things most of the time. I can't say I've never told him a white lie and I've done the silent treatment when I was much younger but it never lasted long. We have been married for 15 years and together for 22 years, since I was 17.

Finances are slightly different from how it is described in the op but essentially we share.