AIBU to wonder how many women are in respectful marriages?

[Gingernat]

I am not researching for anything, I am just nosey! If this question offends anyone, I'm sorry. Please just ignore this thread if so.

I've asked about married couples because finances are different in a marriage setting. But of course if your non-married relationship is a marriage in all but name, fire on and vote!

Sorry it's long! There are a lot more things I could add but I don't want to keep you all day 😁

Does your marriage tick ALL these boxes:

• we consider each other's needs equally important to our own
• we have a fair split of paid work, house work, and caring work, and value each other's contribution
• we both have access to all the money. We either both spend freely from the same pot, or we take out equal spending money each for non-essentials. (I realise this is complicated if you have stepchildren - if so, just consider the essence of the point).
• we (and our children) are the most important thing in each other's lives and our actions show this. We always prioritise our marriage/family in every situation.
• we have each other's backs. We would defend each other against anyone who wrongs us, including our own parents etc.
• we don't engage in any non-monogamous behaviour. We trust each other not to cheat.
• when we disagree, we talk about the problem respectfully. Voices may get a little raised, but we never shout violently at each other. We never trade insults.
• we never abuse each other in any way, even in 'mild' ways, such as giving each other the silent treatment.
• we never lie to each other.
• when times are hard and the relationship is more of a struggle, we both make the effort to spend time together and support each other.
• we always talk about how we're feeling and don't let things fester. If we say 'XYZ is bothering me', the other person makes efforts to change (assuming request is reasonable).
• if we do something wrong, we apologise and try to make changes.

YANBU - my marriage ticks all these boxes.
YABU - my marriage does not.

or maybe this thread isn’t representative because it’s mainly people boasting and the usual hundreds of posters complaining about their marriage have

Pressed send too soon

. . . scrolled on past

Yes to 11/12. I don't always talk about what's bothering me but I know thats a 'me' issue. DH does. DH recognises when something is bothering me though, and will try and coax it out of me so he can help.

I'm not sure that's fair. I asked everyone a question and people answered it with their experiences. Many have acknowledged how lucky they feel to have found someone with whom they could make it work.

Yes I think we tick all the boxes now.

We've both had a tonne of therapy though 🤣and both grown up a lot as a result.

44 years of generally happy marriage, with the usual ups and downs. We were from different social classes but I knew he would always take my side against his own family if it ever came to that. When I was a sahm all his money went into a joint bank account and he trusted me to spend/budget for whatever I/the family needed.

He supported me through uni, as a mature student and was proud of my academic success and career afterwards. The one rule in the house was no swearing (disrespectful) and when dc moved away, that we each had a weekly personal day to do whatever we liked without any complaints eg golf, relax.

His money was ours, while my salary was mine alone, as he earned 4X my salary. I was responsible for all financial decisions, including savings and investments as I was more interested in this area. We were a team and it worked for us.

I’ve said yes, but in the essence not the letter.

for finances, I keep the mortgage account and saving accounts. His name is on it, and he has a card for the account that is accessible, but he doesn’t have instant access to the savings. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t get to spend from them! He just asks- in the same way I discuss with him before spending from those accounts.

Also, we don’t prioritise marriage and family in every situation. Sometimes we prioritise my career, or his pro am sport hobby. We always discuss these things though and overall we look after the family together.

The money sharing one I probably phrased badly. I didn't mean it all necessarily had to be in a single joint account, that's very specific! I meant that it's all considered joint money in the sense that it all belongs to both of you and you decide together how to spend it. Not "I'm the one earning so I'll give you an allowance while you're at home looking after our joint children. And yes you will need to buy the nappies from that."

I don't consider DP's money to be mine, nor mine his....Hell I don't even know how much money he has in his account and he doesn't know how much I have either. It's nothing to do with being secretive, I've no doubt if I asked he'd tell me, but it's none of my business as long as the bills get paid I couldn't care less.

YANBU. I say that why truth. Do we rock all the boxes after 28 years of marriage? Yes. Do we have the same chemistry? No. Are we in a perfect marriage? Hell no.

This thread will never be fully representative because the title is designed to attract people who will say "yes - my marriage is wonderful".

I'm very happy in my marriage but I wouldn't say it ticks all those boxes all of the time, and tbh I don't know of any marriage that does either.

Mostly, although we like a good row and finances are complicated due to his bankruptcy-we can’t have anything joint and I’m the main earner even though I’m not full time. So splitting things is always difficult and we don’t have any disposable income due to high childcare. It will change when DD older.

Are people who aren't married but are in long-term relationships such as civil partnerships or living together allowed to answer?

Yes that's mine apart from arguing, still haven't learned to argue like adults. But we have learnt how to forgive, make-up, apologise and discuss it reasonably soon afterwards.

Been together 16 years, married for 4.