AIBU to wonder how many women are in respectful marriages?

[Gingernat]

I am not researching for anything, I am just nosey! If this question offends anyone, I'm sorry. Please just ignore this thread if so.

I've asked about married couples because finances are different in a marriage setting. But of course if your non-married relationship is a marriage in all but name, fire on and vote!

Sorry it's long! There are a lot more things I could add but I don't want to keep you all day 😁

Does your marriage tick ALL these boxes:

• we consider each other's needs equally important to our own
• we have a fair split of paid work, house work, and caring work, and value each other's contribution
• we both have access to all the money. We either both spend freely from the same pot, or we take out equal spending money each for non-essentials. (I realise this is complicated if you have stepchildren - if so, just consider the essence of the point).
• we (and our children) are the most important thing in each other's lives and our actions show this. We always prioritise our marriage/family in every situation.
• we have each other's backs. We would defend each other against anyone who wrongs us, including our own parents etc.
• we don't engage in any non-monogamous behaviour. We trust each other not to cheat.
• when we disagree, we talk about the problem respectfully. Voices may get a little raised, but we never shout violently at each other. We never trade insults.
• we never abuse each other in any way, even in 'mild' ways, such as giving each other the silent treatment.
• we never lie to each other.
• when times are hard and the relationship is more of a struggle, we both make the effort to spend time together and support each other.
• we always talk about how we're feeling and don't let things fester. If we say 'XYZ is bothering me', the other person makes efforts to change (assuming request is reasonable).
• if we do something wrong, we apologise and try to make changes.

YANBU - my marriage ticks all these boxes.
YABU - my marriage does not.

99%, except (like most people posting) number 3. We are both well paid so no real need to, we do have a shared account for household stuff. Whilst not screaming and shouting, I think it’s healthy to have a constructive disagreement from time to time unless you are clones and genuinely see eye to eye on everything! I’ve def met people whose mums clearly compromised or agreed with everything to avoid a conflict, producing an adult kid that can’t deal with differences of view constructively.

In essence yes, but not necessarily to your criteria

We can be equally rude and short tempered with each other. He is reticent to communicate and I over analyse a lot of crap. But we work through the sticky bits and have, after some years of working through family FOGs, always got each others backs.

We have been together 32 years.
My marriage ticks every single box. However I would say that DH does more chores than me. Over the years I have earned more money than him and other years he has earned more than me but there has never been any resentment.
Our children are adults now but still a big priority and it is important that we all spend time together eg the six of us ( including their partners) all go out for meals, we socialize with their partners parents frequently and so on.
I am made to feel like I am the most important person in the world by DH by what he says and what he does.

That is 100% my marriage

I don't understand this?

Are you saying the list is boring because the OP hasn't included questions about having fun, or that you believe a marriage that ticks all the boxes can't possibly have any fun in it?

Married for over 40 years - tick all those boxes

Married. I'd say we tick all the boxes, but we do shout on occasion. But then we apologise.

Some but not all of that. Perhaps 70%
You set a high bar.

If say 95% marriages have issues and inbalance and not ideal.

Why is sharing all money on the list? Married for 32 years and never had a joint bank account; never will. So I would rephrase this item to "Agree on financial priorities but respect each other's need to have some independence".

My marriage ticks all these boxes. I've never felt happier in my life. Married 2 years, together 8 years.

My husband waited on me hand and foot in pregnancy and post partum and as a result, I have healed well from an episiotomy and very difficult and long labour, our daughter is thriving and I didn't get any baby blues.

We communicate really well, prioritise each other and are best friends. We also have a really fantastic sex life 😍

I think the list does sound boring
I think I have a bloody good marriage, yes we disagree re housework and we have different views on a lot of things, we snap when we're tired, but we're human, but we have a hell of a lot of fun together.

Yes but we have separate bank accounts and just pay for different things to share rent/bills.

Guilty of silent treatment very occasionally.

We don't share money. We both contribute equally to a joint account for everything we share.

What's left in our private bank accounts is private and spent how we like.

When I was married we ticked these boxes, we certainly were far happier even when we split than many, just no longer were in love, still friends.

Some but not all of that. Perhaps 70%
You set a high bar.

To add, we've been together 30 years,very share finances, have 2kids and both have responsible jobs, that neither of us could do without the other picking up the slack

Oh and despite splitting, exh sends money whenever i need it, have an adult dd with Sen

We absolutely do not tick all these boxes 100% of the time.

we have a healthy loving fulfilling respectful relationship, sometimes life just gets in the way.

You have a good fun in your marriage in spite of your above points, not because of them.

I always read that as all money available to both parties, large purchases by agreement but no mutual oversight.

That said I run DHs accounts because he works away so much. It makes more sense for me to move it around as necessary than it does to wait for weeks for him to be in a position to do it.

Yes to all.

All these people saying “you set a high bar”… what’s the point of being married in the first place if the bar isn’t high?

Why would you bother if it was just meh?

Had to tick YABU as we don't have any shared bank accounts. We have separate ones for current, savings, ISAs, etc. We call it respecting each other's autonomy and dignity. We pay equally for all expenses and we each know the other has our back financially if necessary. That's the only thing.

Your list is a bit odd. I consider my marriage very good but don't tick all of them. If DH or I is being a twat we don't back each other against all comers.

And EVERYONE lies to everyone at some point. There's a lie scale in psychometric testing where one of the questions is something like 'do you regularly lie to people you love?' If you answer 'no' you're a liar. White lies, funny lies, lies about presents/surprises.