AIBU to wonder how many women are in respectful marriages?

[Gingernat]

I am not researching for anything, I am just nosey! If this question offends anyone, I'm sorry. Please just ignore this thread if so.

I've asked about married couples because finances are different in a marriage setting. But of course if your non-married relationship is a marriage in all but name, fire on and vote!

Sorry it's long! There are a lot more things I could add but I don't want to keep you all day 😁

Does your marriage tick ALL these boxes:

• we consider each other's needs equally important to our own
• we have a fair split of paid work, house work, and caring work, and value each other's contribution
• we both have access to all the money. We either both spend freely from the same pot, or we take out equal spending money each for non-essentials. (I realise this is complicated if you have stepchildren - if so, just consider the essence of the point).
• we (and our children) are the most important thing in each other's lives and our actions show this. We always prioritise our marriage/family in every situation.
• we have each other's backs. We would defend each other against anyone who wrongs us, including our own parents etc.
• we don't engage in any non-monogamous behaviour. We trust each other not to cheat.
• when we disagree, we talk about the problem respectfully. Voices may get a little raised, but we never shout violently at each other. We never trade insults.
• we never abuse each other in any way, even in 'mild' ways, such as giving each other the silent treatment.
• we never lie to each other.
• when times are hard and the relationship is more of a struggle, we both make the effort to spend time together and support each other.
• we always talk about how we're feeling and don't let things fester. If we say 'XYZ is bothering me', the other person makes efforts to change (assuming request is reasonable).
• if we do something wrong, we apologise and try to make changes.

YANBU - my marriage ticks all these boxes.
YABU - my marriage does not.

We’re non-monogamous; and we don’t share money or consider each other’s financial affairs the other’s business, each of us consider our earnings and what we do with them our own. Hell would freeze over before I’d ask anyone’s permission or opinion on what I do with my own money. No DC. Other than that, our relationship fits the list, and more. I can’t imagine a better relationship.

We would defend each other against anyone who wrongs us, including our own parents etc.

But I think this is a strange criteria and only really applies if you come from a dysfunctional family, surely. My parents worship and adore me (and also like DH very much) and I know if they ever had cause to express concern about something DH was doing, they’d be doing so for a genuine reason: I’d not automatically defend him without considering their viewpoint. The same goes for my closest friends, I’d listen to their opinion on something rather than defend without question simply because he’s my DH. That’s perfectly healthy. Insisting otherwise is how many women end up in abusive relationships and isolated from family and friends because their OH insists they just cut off anyone who dislikes or disagrees with him.

All a matter of interpretation isn't it- like a business. The goal is to make money but sometimes you take a hit for the bigger strategic picture. So our family and marriage are our biggest priority but sometimes to keep that long term strategic goal, we need some short term situations where we prioritise ourselves individually or our family of origin or whatever.

I think we are about 90% of the way there. I'm incredibly stubborn so do the whole silent treatment and we defo don't spilt the chores/working evenly as I work part time and he does the majority of the housework. But it works for us😊

Me and DP are not married but in a Civil Partnership (not same sex). We tick all boxes apart from sharing money. I did that with my ExH and got stung when we divorced (I was the higher earner and he ended up with a lot more money after the divorce than he ever had when we were together). I will never share finances with DP and he has no problem with that. As long as we each pay our share of the bills, which comes out of a separate account that we both pay into, then that's good enough for us.

Yes, I reckon we're about there. No marriage is perfect but we both love and respect each other - and when you do that most of the other stuff comes naturally most of the time.

Mine is like that, pretty much. We have separate bank accounts (both overdrawn to the max) and move money between them as needed; we also take the piss out of each other quite regularly and our dc are learning the importance of being able to give & take a good, gentle ribbing.

I think the secret to a good relationship, besides love and trust etc is shared laughter and silliness. That and good, regular sex.

As I imagine everyone who ticks every box on the list also has?

I'm just not getting your connection to lack of fun and the list, that's all.

It's just a check list, it's not a full and final documentation of anyone's marriage.

Long term relationship.

Everything except 3 and 4.

I won't share money again (got stung on divorce) and sometimes we prioritise his or my career depending on opportunity - but we talk and agree on it.

My relationship ticks all of those boxes.

All bar 3, we have separate finances.

I also had separate finances in my first marriage and it was a big help to me when we got divorced.

YANBU

Well, 99%.

Occasionally one of us might be a bit selfish, occasionally niggles fester a bit, but that's about it.

Once upon a time it was a big no, but now (after a lot of personal work, and getting through a lot of problems) it's a yes. We are very respectful of each other.

I think I have a good marriage & know DH very well. However I would say I can be selfish & I work less hours in a less demanding job. I will lie a bit over shopping or whatever & I can shout when annoyed. Still think I have a good marriage but I'm very aware & honest about my flaws.

I don't know anyone in a marriage that ticks all those statements all of the time tbh.

Oh dear! I thought if I posted at a quiet time I could go out for the afternoon without too many replies 😆 Catching up now...

We’ve been together 20 years. I think we tick all of those boxes. But it wasn’t always the case.

when younger I was a lot more bad tempered and dh could be passive aggressive at times.

my family tend towards being shouty and dramatic (my mum always goes for low blows in an argument), and I was the same when younger.. but somehow i have grown up with dh

We tick all the boxes. Except I get a bit shouty when I'm frustrated . not often

Your second point might not be met but I would still consider a relationship potentially respectful.
Like if one person (a mother) is breastfeeding they might be doing more of the childcare and the other partner might do more housework or paid work at that point.
And if someone has a chronic illness or is disabled, that has to be accounted for - people can put in an effort appropriate to their abilities and energy levels which is respectful, I think.

I think it's mainly about you both aiming to improve one another's lives, enjoy time together and work towards a stable and comfortable life that includes retirement.

Yes. We complement each other well, having different skills. Trust each other in everything. Been together since 1971 and still happy together.

This describes our marriage. However I’d quibble a bit on the criteria-

we both have access to all the money

Yes for us, but I think there are plenty of other fair ways to arrange finances.

we (and our children) are the most important thing in each other's lives and our actions show this. We always prioritise our marriage/family in every situation.

Hmm, yes but I think parents should be able to thrive as individuals not just as part of a family- time for hobbies, friends, personal achievements etc is important (although of course this also contributes to family life)

we have each other's backs. We would defend each other against anyone who wrongs us, including our own parents etc.

Found this one a bit odd. Yes, my dh would defend me if necessary but he’d also support me to resolve things myself. Neither of us has a life where people habitually “wrong” us- sounds like hard work- and we’re both more likely to try to find peaceful resolution to conflict and misunderstanding rather than the approach this implies.

Yes this is us

Yep but everything other than 3. We pay proportionally to bills and shared expenses so it's fair but keep spends separate aside from that.

Yes, my marriage is like this. We've only been married five years (known each other very well for twenty years though) but we've had plenty of difficult life events in that time to test us, including a stillbirth. I fully expect there to be hiccups in future, but I hope we will continue to communicate well and generally handle problems without being nasty to each other.

The money sharing one I probably phrased badly. I didn't mean it all necessarily had to be in a single joint account, that's very specific! I meant that it's all considered joint money in the sense that it all belongs to both of you and you decide together how to spend it. Not "I'm the one earning so I'll give you an allowance while you're at home looking after our joint children. And yes you will need to buy the nappies from that."

I guess some of the disagreement probably comes from differing definitions of marriage. I think marriage means a promise to sincerely attempt to stay together for life, to share everything (life, love, hopes, dreams, money (which is the least important of these)), to put the family first, to be a safe space, among other things. That's why I mentioned marriage rather than LTRs... I think there is a difference between the two. I wouldn't share my money unless I was married either!

If you are not in a marriage which is a kind of joining of two people, and sharing everything, then yes, some of my points may not apply fully. No judgement at all! There are many reasons for getting married for sure, and the age at which you marry may also change things. I could have written all this in my OP but I didn't want anyone to grow old and die whilst reading it...

I don't think anyone needs to tick all the boxes perfectly to have a solid, functioning marriage, no. Yelling at each other occasionally can be forgiven and forgotten. Lying about some things. Communicating poorly and letting resentment fester. Etc etc. All perfectly workable if you're prepared to work at it. BUT I don't think they're the ideal, that's all.

I just wondered roughly how many people had a marriage which is (very roughly, simplistically) close to the ideal. I know there's a lot more to it than that, such as feelings fun and sex and loads more, but it was too much for a post on Mumsnet!

And no, I don't think you should defend your OH when they're in the wrong! I didn't say that. I said defend when someone wrongs us. I'm thinking when your FIL is being nasty/controlling or whatever, then your OH should stick up for you. If your FIL is a darling but you're being nasty to him, of course your OH shouldn't defend your behaviour.