AIBU to wonder how many women are in respectful marriages?

[Gingernat]

I am not researching for anything, I am just nosey! If this question offends anyone, I'm sorry. Please just ignore this thread if so.

I've asked about married couples because finances are different in a marriage setting. But of course if your non-married relationship is a marriage in all but name, fire on and vote!

Sorry it's long! There are a lot more things I could add but I don't want to keep you all day 😁

Does your marriage tick ALL these boxes:

• we consider each other's needs equally important to our own
• we have a fair split of paid work, house work, and caring work, and value each other's contribution
• we both have access to all the money. We either both spend freely from the same pot, or we take out equal spending money each for non-essentials. (I realise this is complicated if you have stepchildren - if so, just consider the essence of the point).
• we (and our children) are the most important thing in each other's lives and our actions show this. We always prioritise our marriage/family in every situation.
• we have each other's backs. We would defend each other against anyone who wrongs us, including our own parents etc.
• we don't engage in any non-monogamous behaviour. We trust each other not to cheat.
• when we disagree, we talk about the problem respectfully. Voices may get a little raised, but we never shout violently at each other. We never trade insults.
• we never abuse each other in any way, even in 'mild' ways, such as giving each other the silent treatment.
• we never lie to each other.
• when times are hard and the relationship is more of a struggle, we both make the effort to spend time together and support each other.
• we always talk about how we're feeling and don't let things fester. If we say 'XYZ is bothering me', the other person makes efforts to change (assuming request is reasonable).
• if we do something wrong, we apologise and try to make changes.

YANBU - my marriage ticks all these boxes.
YABU - my marriage does not.

My marriage ticks all of the boxes. BUT we have been married for 36 years and have had to work hard on occasion to get things right

The money sharing one I probably phrased badly. I didn't mean it all necessarily had to be in a single joint account, that's very specific! I meant that it's all considered joint money in the sense that it all belongs to both of you and you decide together how to spend it. Not "I'm the one earning so I'll give you an allowance while you're at home looking after our joint children. And yes you will need to buy the nappies from that."

We don't have children and we spend our money as we want to.

Though with other stuff I am bit of a USSR.
What's his is mine and what's mine is none of his business.

Joking😁

Ours gets better and more fair as the years go on. It's not perfect but we are happy

Mine ticks all of the boxes, some of the time, and some of the boxes all of the time.

Yup- all boxes ticked. Married for 10 years together for 15.

My 18 year marriage is like this. I don’t underestimate how lucky I was to marry the right person, but we've also supported each other through difficult times.
At the moment our teenagers are more of the focus, as they begin to spread their wings before heading off to uni. We do a lot of running them to their various activities, but also get lots of time alone together as a result of their busy lives.
We're quite different people so make sure we have time to pursue our interests separately too, so sometimes separate holidays etc. Without a bit of space to myself I'd probably not still be married.

We have separate bank accounts, BUT we discuss money regularly and we both have access to them. It's done because DH is salaried and I am self employed, so it's easier to track.

DH does more housework, I do the cooking and kids organisation. It suits us.

Forgiveness is important in a relationship, as is humour. We have foibles but equally we need the space to speak up when something is wrong and know the other person will listen.

Finally, I think sex counts. Flirting with your partner, appreciating them...I love watching DH swagger around the place after a well-timed compliment. It takes thought and work but the payoff is huge..

Yep except box 2. But that doesn't mean our marriage isn't respectful. We work as a team and our careers, work at home split is how we want it to be agreed between us so very respectful.

My husband has a great career and works long hours, I work part time (2 days) and care for children and do majority of housework (we also have a cleaner 1 day a week). I/we are both happy with this arrangement.

Yes to all of these. He's my dh2. Married 30 years.

Yep. Tick all the Boxes mostly.

Yes to everything apart from financial contributions - I earn very little (not enough to be taxed) while DH earns a lot more (45% tax).

It's not a walk in the park and not entirely effortless easy but it's not ultra hard graft either.

We work at it, regulate our emotions mostly and treat each other with respect.

We don't harbour grudges and we communicate appropriately and proportionally.

We've definitely had our ups and downs. We work at it though and don't take things for granted.

Oh but if DH was in the wrong and it was clearly wrong, depending on the circumstances and facts, I might not defend him.

Going by the number of threads on here with people complaining about their marriage, ‘d’h, unequal housework, childcare etc….I think some people were telling porky pies when they voted

Marriage ticks all these boxes except we keep our finances separate apart from mortgage, bills and essentials which we pay together proportionate to earnings. It works for us.

Your list over simplifies.
But more or less, yes that's my marriage.
However it's absolutely not always 50/50, sometimes I'm putting in 80 to his 20, sometimes he's putting in 90 and I'm only giving 10. It flows.

I also disagree with the need to have complete access to all money, I think it is more important to have a respectful agreement as to finance that works for the couple.

And I don't agree that always putting each other /the marriage first at all times (paraphrasing) is strictly healthy or necessary. There's a middle ground.

I'd say we tick every box except the one about taking equal spending money from the pot. He earns more than me so he has more spending money. However he also puts more into the joint account that covers mortgage, bills, food etc.

All except point 3, joint decision to not share all of the money. I don't even know how you would begin to share money with a self employed person when you are on a salary; I don't want my hard earned money to be ploughed into his business (including taking clients out for meals etc), no way!

We have joint savings and separate savings. I prioritised building up my own savings before I considered contributing to the joint pot. He could leave me tomorrow and I'd have nothing potentially if we shared money. I have enough to start again and be comfortable should the need arise.

I think it's a good list!!! Maybe alternative wedding vows. I promise to...

Fair enough. If it was a man saying this, he’d be buried alive on mumsnet!

These factors aren't what constitutes a respectful or ideal marriage.

No two marriages (or couples are the same), everyone functions differently.

Yes this sums up our marriage. It's taken a long time to get here and we've made mistakes but I think we are now in a steady, fair, balanced relationship. We share money, household chores , cooking, although I do a bit more of the domestic stuff and care of the dog (. Kids left home now) .

We will always do our best for each other and we want the best for our kids. I sometimes want to tell him to re-marry if something bad should happen to me but i.cant bring myself to mention it . A tad gloomy.

We hardly tick any 🫣

@Jazz12

Fair enough. If it was a man saying this, he’d be buried alive on mumsnet!

Men generally don’t take years out of work to raise children and their careers tend not to be negatively impacted by having children. They also on average do far less childcare and domestic labour than even working women.

When men are carrying an equal load I will feel sorry for them if their higher earning partners choose not to merge finances. But in most setups today doing this would effectively mean the woman was subsidising the man to do less. No thanks I will keep that money for my kids.

Joint bank account, we split house chores and child responsibilities and he is very generous and romantic! My best friend and such an amazing father and husband

Well surely the people talking about marriage issues aren't representative. The people with decent marriages don't need to post about them, so they aren't obvious on this forum.
But in real life there seem to be quite a number of apparently decent marriages about.
I think it's heartening that two thirds of people who voted consider that their marriage broadly meets a high standard (even if not exactly the same as the points I wrote, which I definitely should have written more thoughtfully)!