Men in women’s spaces

[BrightSaturn]

Just using this to rant really…

2 times in the past month I have encountered men in women only spaces.

1. I went to a feeding room to breastfeed my daughter in a shopping centre. I walked in and there were two young women in there changing their babies and one of their boyfriends just taking up one of the only chairs just sitting there, sitting using his phone. It’s a small room with 3 chairs in. I didn’t know what to do so I thought I’ll just sit down and get ready slowly and hopefully they’ll leave. I have fed in public but this was a small room so I felt vulnerable and like he shouldn’t be there and I didn’t want to lift my top up whilst he was sitting basically opposite me so I eventually asked if he could leave the room, they looked annoyed but thankfully he did go, after she looked at him and said “it’s up to you”…
2. I went into a changing room in a shop the other day with my mum, imagine a big room with seats in the middle and curtained dividers all round the outside. My mum was only trying on cardigans so really she just needed a mirror but in the middle on a seat was a boy about 17/18 years old. His girlfriend was trying on clothes. I couldn’t believe it! It wasn’t even doors on the changing rooms, just curtains. Why he thought this was acceptable I have no idea. Again I felt vulnerable and this time I didn’t have the confidence to ask him to leave. If my mum had been actually changing I would have probably found a shop assistant but still it’s not fair that we have to ask them to leave, he should not have been there in the first place!

aibu to think women’s spaces are being invaded more and more? How can we stop this from happening?

WTF?

Why did you pop up to defend your husband's invasion of women's safe spaces, with the feeble defence that you reckon it's ok because he is SUPPORTIVE of breast feeding women?

How about he fucks the fuck off, & supports breast feeding women by not imposing himself on them?

I'm gobsmacked by your notion that your husband's "supportiveness" trumps women's rights, women's feelings, & women-only spaces.

Some bloody stupid replies on here about men’s rights and they could bottle feed in a feeding room. FFS. Feeding rooms are for lactating women who do not with to bare their breasts in public.

who do not WISH

You honestly don't think it's a big deal that a strange male sits there while a woman has her tits out?

Parenting may be for both sexes, but surely common sense says you avoid where a woman is in a state of undress or her breast out? It's ignorant and disrespectful and selfish to ignore women's vulnerability and dignity. Surely it doesn't take much to show some respect, courtesy and consideration to breast feeding women (some no doubt rape/DV survivors)?

The man is being slagged off because he was doing no parenting. He was sitting on his phone. Men being equal parents does not involve men being everywhere women are.

Dc1 screamed through every public nappy change until she was using the toilet. So yes, if we were both out we both went as it was easier and quicker with two.

If the only baby change is in the feeding room does that mean you think the mother should be doing all of the nappy changes? Not very feminist.

Yes I breastfed, my engorged boobs were on display to all and sundry. DH is the respectful sort - if a strange woman were to breastfeed in front of him I imagine he would look at his phone to show her wasn't looking at her.

By all means campaign for single sex breastfeeding areas but do not remove men from changing area first.

Sorry why wouldn’t your husband just do one out of the room where women are breastfeeding??? Surely that’s the best way to be respectful of other women rather than standing there like a lemon looking at his phone while you feed the baby? Your husband had zero need to be there.
i didn’t say only women should change nappies. I am saying it’s bonkers that it took two of you to change a nappy. If your daughter constantly screamed whilst getting her nappy changed in public then clearly having both of you there made absolutely no difference??

By that logic, If a bottle fed baby can wait half an hour or an hour then so could a breastfed baby if the mum didn’t feel comfortable breastfeeding in a parents room that had a dad in it. Or could find a park bench in the rain in winter. parents rooms are for parents, all babies deserve to be fed in a clean calm place no matter if they are bottle or breastfed. Your suggestion is ridiculous.

@overthebow the feeding room is for feeding babies. Not for random men to have a sit down while their partner feeds the baby. That’s what happened in the OP

And then health professionals lament the low breastfeeding rates in the UK.

Well like I say,, for us he would've been doing the changing and I would've been the spare part - probably taking advantage of a minute on my phone but on hand in case I was needed.

Bottom line - fathers of small babies should be welcomed with open arms to baby caring facilities.

That clearly wasn't the situation here so what's your point? OP didn't say 'I went into a feeding room and there was a dad bottle feeding his child '. Maybe you could comment on the ACTUAL situation OP found herself in? Your thoughts on men using feeding rooms to hang out and phone surf?

I would have been comfortable breastfeeding there. I think we need to normalise it, not make it a situation where there is awkwardness about it.

Would have felt slightly uncomfortable on the changing room situation.

BUT

I'm fed up of this board being invaded by this argument. There are special boards for this. Even political debates get invaded by the 'this party don't know what a women is' debate, when the economy is being discussed for ffs. Most of my friends and family in real life don't give a shit about culture wars. I have been spied on in a changing room too, so I'm not being naïve and fully know it happens.

So I have voted YABU for bringing up this debate on here AGAIN.

I think if a man was actively engaged in changing or feeding a baby in one of these rooms then far fewer women would feel uncomfortable (though I accept some still would). But in the ops scenario, or the one on P1 where a poster said her husband was there for "support" then I don't think there's really any need. There's a massive difference between actually doing a feed or change and just sitting there on a phone while the mum does the task.

Yes the OP was, but I was replying to a specific posts, and others, which stated that men shouldn’t be allowed in feeding rooms at all and should make the bottle fed baby wait an hour for a feed or find a park bench. Which is wrong.

Well like I say,, for us he would've been doing the changing and I would've been the spare part -

So why were you hanging around? Were you worried that the room wasn't crowded enough or that everyone lacked supervision? I don't understand this mentality that people can't just get on with using the room as intended, which is not a mustering spot.

Never ever known two people to go in a baby changing room together to change one baby’s nappy. We aren’t talking about changing nappies though, we are talking about women’s privacy and dignity. I appreciate you and your husband like to do everything together but surely you must accept that if you are breastfeeding a baby your husband doesn’t need to be sitting beside you

No @lawandgin and I don't see this as yet another BF / FF issue. I'm saying that BF means getting certain parts of the female body undressed and plenty of women require spaces where men aren't present to do so. Men who need a quiet spot to FF do not have the same requirements. Why is it so hard to support single sex spaces for certain scenarios? Why is there always a 'but'?

My point is that a baby changing facility is emphatically not single sex, even if it has chairs for feeding. OP is hugely unreasonable to expect it to be treated as such.

And also what @BigMandysBookClub said, very much that too.

What debate? Men sitting in rooms where women are breast feeding? Men hanging round changing rooms? You understand this is nothing to do with trans issues, is that what you are on about?

I don't think it's wrong at all to expect a man who is only bottle-feeding to do it away from where women have their tits out. You seem to think that is ok, which absolutely ridiculous.

Also @BigMandysBookClub women don’t ever need to consider normalising breast feeding around men.

It was a feeding room - it's a space for women to breastfeed.

There are changing facilities but there are always other changing facilities. Men belong in those, not in feeding rooms which are for breastfeeding.

‘Only’ bottle feeding? You make it sound like bottle feeding is lesser than breastfeeding. No baby should have to feed outside in the cold or in a really crowded place when there is a parent room available for that purpose. Doesn’t matter if they are bottle or breastfed.

Lets be honest; baby changing facilities are overwhelmingly considered mothers rooms, used by mothers. If men want to bottle feed, they should do it elsewhere or, campaign for these facilities in the male rooms. It's really quite simple. These spaces are 99% utilised by women, for women. Simply because more men now care for babies than 30 years ago, does not mean we accept it being rebadged from a mothers room to a room fathers go. Argue for their own space. But lets not pretend it is 99% used by women. And that, should take preference.