Men in women’s spaces

[BrightSaturn]

Just using this to rant really…

2 times in the past month I have encountered men in women only spaces.

1. I went to a feeding room to breastfeed my daughter in a shopping centre. I walked in and there were two young women in there changing their babies and one of their boyfriends just taking up one of the only chairs just sitting there, sitting using his phone. It’s a small room with 3 chairs in. I didn’t know what to do so I thought I’ll just sit down and get ready slowly and hopefully they’ll leave. I have fed in public but this was a small room so I felt vulnerable and like he shouldn’t be there and I didn’t want to lift my top up whilst he was sitting basically opposite me so I eventually asked if he could leave the room, they looked annoyed but thankfully he did go, after she looked at him and said “it’s up to you”…
2. I went into a changing room in a shop the other day with my mum, imagine a big room with seats in the middle and curtained dividers all round the outside. My mum was only trying on cardigans so really she just needed a mirror but in the middle on a seat was a boy about 17/18 years old. His girlfriend was trying on clothes. I couldn’t believe it! It wasn’t even doors on the changing rooms, just curtains. Why he thought this was acceptable I have no idea. Again I felt vulnerable and this time I didn’t have the confidence to ask him to leave. If my mum had been actually changing I would have probably found a shop assistant but still it’s not fair that we have to ask them to leave, he should not have been there in the first place!

aibu to think women’s spaces are being invaded more and more? How can we stop this from happening?

You've never bottle fed, so what would you know? As others have said, a distracted bottle fed baby is a nightmare and why should the child go hungry when they would actually sit and feed in a quiet space? You prioritise BF over a child being fed?

We prioritise womens safety and dignity over a man that feels entitled to enter a space where a woman maybe semi-dressed.

@Eyerollcentral

I think if he was taking up a seat that needed using then he should move.
But I don't think his presence there should be vilified, especially since he was with there with his partner and child. If it was a man with no partner or child and was sitting there for the sake of it, that is a separate issue.

My main point is that these rooms are not just for breastfeeding.

If you read my earlier post, you'll see that I would always take DD into a parenting room myself, if all 3 of us were out together. She's highly distracted on the bottle and it's awful trying to feed her anywhere that's not quiet. But if DH is out on his own with her, should he not do the same? Should my child go hungry because a woman's right to privacy trumps a child's hunger? I don't think so. In the OP, the male did not need to be there and shouldn't have been. But it's not as black and white as some on this post make out.

Seems to be an amazing amount of super distractable bottle fed babies on this thread. Must be a lot of sound proofed rooms in peoples’ homes to facilitate feeding at home!
Regardless, the issue isn’t whether breast or bottle fed babies should or shouldn’t take precedence in a baby feeding room. It’s whether men should be sitting around with their partners whilst other women are trying to breast feed in a designated area and whether or not men should be hanging round women’s changing rooms!

Really? If you've never have to battle a distracted baby in public while feeding then lucky you! She's fine at home with the TV off and always fed in the same place.

I think the OP is being unreasonable because she's not comfortable with changing behind a curtain if a man is on the other side, even if they are minding their own business.

@iloveorange that man might be minding his own business (he's probably bored stiff), but by him being there the OP is suddenly conscious that if he could be there, so could any man. If she was there alone, what's to stop another man coming in and opening the curtain "by accident"? And yes, this does happen.

@lawandgin in real life I’ve never seen or known of as many babies as mentioned on this thread who can’t take a bottle with any noise around them. Anyway as I said previously, that’s not the point of this thread.

Surely there is a park or somewhere he can take your DD? Your DD won't 'go hungry' if she isn't fed at that minute, if she can wait half an hour to get home or for him to walk to a park, a library, anywhere. Sorry but there is absolutely no excuse whatsoever (bar him changing the baby) for him to be in a womens space. Bottle feeding can be done anywhere, just take the extra time to find a quiet place.

It's honestly the bane of my life and I'm glad we're down to 3 bottles a day now. You're right, it's not the point of this thread, but it's irritating how some have turned this into "no man must be allowed anywhere near a parent room EVER" 🙄

A park in the pissing rain? Or when you're in the middle of somewhere like Bluewater? Yeah okay then 🤣 Have you ever tried telling a baby to wait half an hour for a bottle? Do you actually have children?

This argument totally forgets that women with disabilities, women with severe post birth injuries, disabled children, and parents of multiples exist.

If you managed on your own then well done. Many women don't and it's disgusting to invalidate their problems by dismissing them as wanting their Nigel to follow them when what they NEED is help from the other parent.

Yes I do have children which is why I realise how precious, obstinate and unreasonable you're being. So you're saying you take your baby out in the rain with no umbrella, no pram with cover, nothing? You're talking nonsense. A baby can easily wait half an hour or an hour. If it is really this much trouble then maybe you aught to not be taking the baby out if you really can't handle it. Women shouldn't have to pay for your choices.

@lawandgin i genuinely don’t see that any poster has said anything like that in the course of this thread? I am constantly astounded by how quickly other women will capitulate to allowing men in to women’s spaces. And yes a breastfeeding area IS a woman’s space. Obvs other spaces are more nebulous. Women’s changing rooms aren’t though, they are for women. No need at all for men to be in them unless there is a care issue.

This place really is bonkers sometimes 🤣 a baby that may be fed every hour can wait an hour for a feed? Okay then!

I suppose you'd also be the one moaning when said child was screaming due to hunger 🤣

And who said anything about not taking my child out on the rain because I didn't? But you expect my DH to sit outside in a park in the middle of winter to feed my child? You really are crazy.

Haven't RTFT so hopefully I'm repeating what's already been said a hundred times, but I'm appalled that some on Mumsnet of all places think men have no place in a baby changing room. Most of those breastfeeding rooms are with the only changing facilities, which of course dads should be able to freely access.

That's exactly what some are saying, see @IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 - apparently my DH should sit in a park in December to feed my child 🤯

I do think there may be some crossed wires though, I've never seen a purely BF room. I'm referring to parenting rooms, but from what I've seen this is used as an umbrella term and there's no separate BF room.

There may be cases where the breastfeeding room is also the changing room and men need to be in there to change a nappy, for example. Fine

However, it's never the hanging around like a spare part taking up a seat room.

I expect him find a place, anywhere, other than where women have their tits out. If you find that unreasonable, you're the crazy one! 😂😂

Meh. It's handy to have an extra pair of hands to get everything packed up, especially if the baby is upset as can happen with a nappy change in an unfamiliar place. With DC1 we would've gone into the changing area together, DH tended to do the changing but better that I was hanging around in the changing area ready to help if needed than hanging around outside while he did it all. It was a spare seat, the man wasn't stopping OP from sitting. I really really don't see the big deal here.

Parenting small babies is not a single sex endeavour, a point that will be vociferously stated on most threads here.

I have seen them but I think like most things there needs to be common sense and respect. As per the OP a man shouldn’t be sitting in a small room with women trying to breastfeed, when he himself is not caring for a child. I think men in general need to demonstrate a great deal more understanding and respect for women’s privacy. It’s depressing that so many women are more concerned with jumping in with what about my baby/husband than considering the bigger picture. And don’t get me started on the cool girls who don’t believe women should be allowed privacy when feeding because they assume they are shrouded in guilt about breastfeeding or hung up and repressed because they don’t want random men hanging around changing rooms.

This is exactly my point. Men need to respect our privacy and use these rooms as a very, very last resort.

It’s depressing that so many women are more concerned with jumping in with what about my baby/husband than considering the bigger picture.

The bigger picture IMO is that we will never have anything approaching equality until men do their fair share of parenting. Considering baby facilities as being for women only is hugely damaging to women's equality. And we all know that parenting habits are formed in those early days.

Surely we've all experienced the frustration of the only baby changing facilities being in the ladies and none in the gents? Here's a dedicated changing facility but a man being slagged off for being in it.

Yes. There if they're doing something for the time they're doing it. They can look at their phones anywhere.

Sorry are you actually saying it took two of you to change a nappy? Or you just observing? Absolutely mad. I don’t know how you got out the door.
No one said childcare is a single sex endeavour. All people have said is women are allowed to have privacy and dignity.
Did you breastfeed? If so did you have to get your engorged boob out in front of a random man just taking up space?