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Original poster

Who is being unreasonable? Helping out with childcare

329 replies

mortitiaaddams · 29/12/2022 23:57

A and B have worked together for 25+ years. Originally in a very intense 1:1 environment- think NHS. Now less so but still in the same environment. B is married to C.

B and C are godparents to A's DD. A had her DD while single. A didn't realise she was pregnant until very late and had no real plans for raising DD as a single parent. B promised to support her.

A's DD is now 8. B and C have gone above and beyond to help out with childcare since she was born, which can be very difficult because A and B's job involves shifts and unpredictable hours. C doesn't work, so most of this is done by her. B and C's older DC also often babysit, do the school run etc, and are paid by A to do this. A's DD is treated like part of B and C's family when with them. A has always been willing to step in with B and C's DC whenever needed over the years, but this has been much less as C has always been home with the DC.

B is very involved with A's DD- will go to all her sports fixtures, school plays, recitals etc. B and C's DC have started to resent this, because B often missed out on these when they were growing up. This was usually due to work at the time, but B now doesn't make the same effort to get to things for younger DC and DGC that he does for A's DD. C is no longer happy with the arrangement, feels that B is too involved with A's DD and they are having her too often.

A's DD has a sports fixture coming up and needs to be accompanied by a parent/other responsible adult. The fixture is a long drive away and will take up the whole weekend. B has volunteered to take A's DD, as she will be working that weekend. C isn't happy as she wasn't asked first. The sports fixture will likely be one of many next year.

C feels that B is putting helping out A and her DD above his own family, and wants A to sort her own childcare from now on. A and B feel that B and the older DC have been volunteering (and the older DC are being paid) and as long as B is happy to be involved, the arrangement should continue.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
MoirasSaggyBundles · 30/12/2022 09:07

A didn't realise she was pregnant until very late and had no real plans for raising DD as a single parent.

I'd question this. A reasoanably intelligent professional in an active/medical related job like police, firefighter, paramedic doesn't realise she is pregnant until very late? Really?

My guess is that A was in an abusive relationship, A and B had a one night stand (B providing comfort to A with his penis) that they both regret but which has resulted in the pregnancy. Between them they concocted the story about the late realisation, no plans to be single mum etc, in order to bring A and her daughter into your day to day lives and allow B to be a father to her. C has been used horribly.

Mirabai · 30/12/2022 09:08

If you were happy in this ménage à trois you wouldn’t be posting.

I don’t believe B isn’t the dad & I don’t think he believes it either. Dna test will settle it.

In the unlikely scenario he’s not - either he backs off or it’s over.

kimchifix · 30/12/2022 09:09

The story of the unplanned pregnancy is a bit suspect. What man promises the things he has promised? I can't imagine what possessed C to go along with this. Could she sense B would never give up his relationship with A so it was better just to play along? What type of awful person is B, either a mug or a bastard? And A sounds like an absolutely narcissistic entitled monster. She literally has Cuckoo'd her offspring into your nest C. I don't know why you aren't raging by now. It is clear your whole family are being used by A. A doesn't have to do or give anything in return. A isn't in the slightest bit bothered and even feels able to put pressure on B about arrangements. WTAF. A is a CF of the very highest order.

SallySunrise · 30/12/2022 09:12

Mama_bear · 30/12/2022 00:03

Is B the father of A's child?

This was my conclusion too

Naunet · 30/12/2022 09:13

Very unusual for an unrelated man to want to spend so much time with a little girl.

Lalliella · 30/12/2022 09:14

I think B stands for Baby daddy, sorry OP. I’d be getting a sneaky DNA test done if I was you.

poefaced · 30/12/2022 09:18

YANBU, OP. You need to put your foot down and say no more childcare for A’s DD.

I wish you hadn’t provided so much childcare for summary years but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

LivelyBlake · 30/12/2022 09:18

C is NBU.

B and C are going beyond what can reasonably be expected from very generous friends.

A should sort some childcare before their friendship gets damaged.

BellaVita · 30/12/2022 09:19

I think you need to wake up and smell the coffee pronto OP.

rainbowstardrops · 30/12/2022 09:19

If you're C OP then why on earth did you agree to this level of support in the first place? It's very odd!

If your younger children/grandchild aren't happy that their dad is spending so much time supporting someone else's child then he needs to sit and acknowledge that.

I wouldn't be surprised if he's the father though because when does working closely with someone equate to being practically a step in father?

I'd be putting a stop to this. They're taking you for a ride. And I'd demand a DNA test. If they've got nothing to hide then why wouldn't he want to put his wife's mind at rest?

Dancingdragonhiddentiger · 30/12/2022 09:20
  • not read the whole thread but my immediate thought was B the father too?
MrsMikeHeck · 30/12/2022 09:21

@mortitiaaddams Apart from this horrible situation, are you otherwise happy in your marriage? Can you imagine a life with without him?

From the outside, it’s really hard to see how this carries on. It’s such a strange dynamic for your dc to see and be part of.

Asking for a DNA test is essentially ending your marriage. The whole situation is just as dark if he isn’t the dd’s dad. Honestly, it’s almost better if he’s the dad - otherwise it’s just so much weirdness that he gets to play the hero like this.

And he’s embedded in this girls life. Essentially a father.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 30/12/2022 09:23

Dancingdragonhiddentiger · 30/12/2022 09:20

  • not read the whole thread but my immediate thought was B the father too?

Mine too. B is surely the father.

HikingforScenery · 30/12/2022 09:26

OP, your post was very clear and very easy to understand.

Unforttely, I agree with those suggesting the possibility of A’s daughter bring your husband’s.

I don’t understand why you’ve facilitated the poor treatment of your own younger DC too.

I really hope for your sake and your children’s that t

MzHz · 30/12/2022 09:27

Mama_bear · 30/12/2022 00:03

Is B the father of A's child?

That’s my first thought

anotheruser173 · 30/12/2022 09:28

Reading between the lines, I think I know what your husband does for a living, OP, and in that case, I can understand why A and B aren't "just colleagues." It's a job that naturally lends itself to very real and very solid friendships.

I understand why your husband agreed to support his friend, but he's turned into a pseudo father and pushed you into the role of a pseudo stepmother, and also roped in your older DC. This goes above a normal close friendship, and I'm not surprised you're all feeling hurt and neglected.

Did you ever suspect your husband might be the child's father? If so, did you ever ask, or just hope it was unlikely? Friendships are common in their line of work, but so are affairs.

You said previously that because the baby's father is trying to make a visitation claim, it must follow that your husband isn't the father, or A would use that as a defence. That's a very logical assessment - it's not an emotional assessment of 'but my husband would never have done that.' It reads like you and your children are emotionally burnt out.

B has put you and your family in a very weird position. It started off noble, and it ended up weird years ago.

What do you want to happen next?

StormInaDcup99 · 30/12/2022 09:38

Sorry OP. They sound like bra cup sizes. I never understand these threads unless fake names are uses

SnowlayRoundabout · 30/12/2022 09:39

There do seem to be an awful lot of hard-of-thinking people on MN at night time. This is the second time I've come across a thread full of people complaining they didn't understand what was going on when the original post was perfectly clear. I think the jury is out on whether B is the father - if A's child is now being threatened in effect by a man claiming to be the father who no-one would want anywhere near their child, why would A not have defeated the claim at the outset by a simple DNA test?

Ihearticecream · 30/12/2022 09:41

I would have to do an ultimatum. Something for your DC who has an issue the same weekend and get DH to choose. If he chooses wrong then he would be staying in an air bnb until further notice. A and A’s DD would no longer be welcome in my home until DH came to realise how much this affects his family.
of course neither of them have an issue with the current arrangements because it works for them. I can also understand A needing a lot of help at the beginning with a baby. But an 8 year old! There are so many more options available now. A’s DD should not be going to this activity unless A can take her. My DCs have missed out on things if we’ve not been able to take them. It’s shocking that A thinks it’s ok to take B away from his own family for her. I would be mortified.

Mirabai · 30/12/2022 09:43

SnowlayRoundabout · 30/12/2022 09:39

There do seem to be an awful lot of hard-of-thinking people on MN at night time. This is the second time I've come across a thread full of people complaining they didn't understand what was going on when the original post was perfectly clear. I think the jury is out on whether B is the father - if A's child is now being threatened in effect by a man claiming to be the father who no-one would want anywhere near their child, why would A not have defeated the claim at the outset by a simple DNA test?

Either a. She’s in denial, or b. Because if the truth came out she would lose B from her life completely.

ThreeblackCats · 30/12/2022 09:44

If X=y+p who tf is L?

I can’t possibly comment. I didn’t do algebra.

use made up names and look after your own kid.

lunar1 · 30/12/2022 09:50

B needs to prioritise his own family.

EsmeeMerlin · 30/12/2022 09:50

I feel for your op, it does sound frustrating for some of your children and for you to have your husband that involved with another woman. However I also feel extremely sorry for her daughter too, her daughter is 8 and has been heavily involved in your family and now essentially you all want to walk away from her. Surely after 8 years of helping to look after the girl, you have a bond? I do feel your DH should be doing more for his own children but I also wouldn't want to hurt a 8 year old who is innocent.

35965a · 30/12/2022 09:51

Ok your husband may be the dad, seems likely. Or he’s in love with A and it’s not his child. Or he’s grooming A and this child.

Campervangirl · 30/12/2022 09:52

I'm on your side op.
This has been going on for 8 yrs?
Enough is enough!
You believe this is an emotional affair? I'd agree with you.
Your DH gets to play the night in shining armour to his colleague, whilst you and your DC pick up most of the childcare, fuck that!
You clearly have had enough, I don't blame you, your DH is using you and your DC and putting another person's child above your family.
This is not normal.
Ask yourself this, if you bought it to a head and DH moved out, who would he move in with/start a relationship with?
My money would be on A.
If I were you I'd have a full and frank discussion with DH, I'd tell him exactly how you feel and tell him the childcare from you and your DC stops now, then see his reaction, that will tell you all you need to know, if he kicks back then you'll know he values A and her DC above you and your family.
Seriously op, stand up for yourself and your family, knock the childcare on the head right now, don't be a doormat.
Be prepared for him to throw out that you're being controlling but remember this situation has been controlling your life for 8 yrs

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