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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable? Helping out with childcare

329 replies

mortitiaaddams · 29/12/2022 23:57

A and B have worked together for 25+ years. Originally in a very intense 1:1 environment- think NHS. Now less so but still in the same environment. B is married to C.

B and C are godparents to A's DD. A had her DD while single. A didn't realise she was pregnant until very late and had no real plans for raising DD as a single parent. B promised to support her.

A's DD is now 8. B and C have gone above and beyond to help out with childcare since she was born, which can be very difficult because A and B's job involves shifts and unpredictable hours. C doesn't work, so most of this is done by her. B and C's older DC also often babysit, do the school run etc, and are paid by A to do this. A's DD is treated like part of B and C's family when with them. A has always been willing to step in with B and C's DC whenever needed over the years, but this has been much less as C has always been home with the DC.

B is very involved with A's DD- will go to all her sports fixtures, school plays, recitals etc. B and C's DC have started to resent this, because B often missed out on these when they were growing up. This was usually due to work at the time, but B now doesn't make the same effort to get to things for younger DC and DGC that he does for A's DD. C is no longer happy with the arrangement, feels that B is too involved with A's DD and they are having her too often.

A's DD has a sports fixture coming up and needs to be accompanied by a parent/other responsible adult. The fixture is a long drive away and will take up the whole weekend. B has volunteered to take A's DD, as she will be working that weekend. C isn't happy as she wasn't asked first. The sports fixture will likely be one of many next year.

C feels that B is putting helping out A and her DD above his own family, and wants A to sort her own childcare from now on. A and B feel that B and the older DC have been volunteering (and the older DC are being paid) and as long as B is happy to be involved, the arrangement should continue.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
TerraNostra · 30/12/2022 08:35

BeeAFreeBird · 30/12/2022 02:51

Hi - you mentioned that you’re C - in the scenario described you are not being unreasonable. B needs to tone it down and take a step back, and A needs to set a healthy example and be conscious of safeguarding. You are clearly sensible.

There is a lot of kindness on display here, particularly from you, C. How fortunate A and her DD are to know your family. You’ve all really leaned in to make the best out of difficult unanticipated circumstances for A.

But there has to be healthy boundaries. The proverb goes that it takes a village to raise a child. As A’s DD grows up and approaches adolescence, the support structure needs to adapt. And throughout there needs to be adherence to basic safeguarding principles.

Please don’t be offended that I raise safeguarding. I see kindness. There is a lot of vulnerability, though, which means boundaries have to be clear and healthy and mindful of safeguarding.

For me, B covering a weekend - for sports or not - is not appropriate from a cold safeguarding perspective.

No matter how close they are as colleagues, or how trustworthy B is, A’s DD is a vulnerable girl. One of the kindest and most valuable lessons she can be taught is what healthy boundaries look and feel like.

I think the work on that can begin now with an adjustment to the A/ADD/B dynamic, starting with B stepping back from this sports w/e. Perhaps for B it’s a transition from father type figure to an uncle type.

Might you and your husband change the setting with a break away or something to could talk it out and come up with a plan. A plan that identifies and prioritises different sets of needs (ie your family has the primary set of needs) and that establishes re-adjusted boundaries and roles that will keep things healthy.

Good luck C. You’re right about this. x

Sorry, do I have this right? You’re saying that a man can’t take his 8 year-old goddaughter out alone because there’s a risk he might abuse her?

Gosh. Is that the level of paranoia that the world has reached?

(I’m making this comment independently of the question asked, and scenario outlined, in the OP, as the quoted answer is simply saying that B has to stop taking her out for safeguarding reasons)

Believeinyou · 30/12/2022 08:36

Is C really sure that the child isnt Bs? Even if not A&B sound like they are closer than work colleagues and are or were once attached emotionally if not physically

Elnetthairnet · 30/12/2022 08:36

And I agree with other posters - there is a very very weird dynamic between A’s child and B. Are you sure he isn’t the father? Surely most people would have got sick of this dependency in 8 years otherwise? If I was C, I think I’d be seriously considering leaving.

Museya15 · 30/12/2022 08:37

I'm sorry my brain isn't wired to understand the ABC thing, I was lost by the third sentence.

DisforDarkChocolate · 30/12/2022 08:39

A is expecting far too much from a friend, even with some payment involved. It's been years, she needs to be the one who adapts her life to parenthood.

C is right. A's expectations are ridiculous for a friend.

MistletoeandBaileys · 30/12/2022 08:39

At the very least there is an emotional affair going on here. Do you think that maybe A is fighting against the biological father so much because she knows a DNA test will prove he isn’t the father.

My husband works in a similar environment and has close relationships with the team he works with. I’ve never once worried about any of them. If he suddenly started “giving support” to another colleague in the way your husband has I’d be livid and we would be having some serious conversations.

What I can’t get passed is the buck usually stops with you for childcare. Which means until a DNA test proves otherwise that you are potentially looking after your husbands child from an affair on a regular basis.

I’m another one who does think there is more to his involvement with the child then meets the eye. I’d sit him down and give him an ultimatum.

3487642l · 30/12/2022 08:40

This arrangement between B and A is odd. Promising to help someone raise their child is strange unless he was single at the time, in which case maybe he ought to have married her? Yes they may work together but I'm sure other people work closely and still prioritize their spouse and children over a work friend. It sounds a bit like an emotional affair. Did B want to marry A?
It sounds like C and younger DCs have enabled A and B's dynamic out of goodwill for the child/A/ the situation and now feel resentful because more of B's energy is going towards A and A's DD in a way that makes them feel less valued. Now A and B think the situation is normal because it had been going on for so long. B may need to decide where his loyalties lie -wife and biological children or the emotional affair with A and A's DD. I think A ought to expand her support network at this stage, her dd must have friends and there must be other family friends in her life. She should consider other means, surely her dd could attend sports event with a friend and friend's family? B can ask be a part of A's dad's life without needing to commit to everything for dd. B ought to check in with his wife and consider his responsibilities to his own children before committing to weekends away, regardless of the purpose. I think B runs the risk of harming his relationships with his own children and blowing up his marriage, but maybe they are truly not his priority? The last paragraph of the original post is truly bizarre! It reads like A's opinion is as important as the two people who are actually married! Of course A wants the present arrangement to continue! She gets all the perks of having a husband and a wife at her disposal to help her raise her child with minimal cost to her and she clearly doesnt care about the cost to C or C's DC. I do not see that C gets anything from this arrangement - just the work of caring for an extra child that isn't hers and now watching her children wondering about whether they matter to their dad, plus managing weekends as a single parent. B gets the benefits of looking like 'the good guy' (turning up to evens in public, which has come largely through C providing childcare at home) and trying to be everything to everyone while not really noticing what is actually going on in his own family.

Fishwifer · 30/12/2022 08:40

This is a bizarre setup.

Most people wouldn't have stuck around long enough for C to get annoyed... They're basically in a 3 way marriage without (supposedly!) the sex.

Which job is it normal to help raise a colleague's child like this? I understand joining up childcare for shift patterns in e.g. nursing, police,etc but this is just way beyond normal.

ShimmeringShirts · 30/12/2022 08:40

Either B is the father or B has an unhealthy interest in As DD. Either way I’d be getting a bit creeped out at this point.

CharlieD2020 · 30/12/2022 08:41

Just to say OP, I really feel for you. A tricky situation to be in.

Climbles · 30/12/2022 08:42

Either he’s the Dad or might be. (Why does A need a DNA test if she knows who the father is? Is this a vailed threat to B?)
Or they are having an emotional/physical affair and he’s the ‘good guy’ role. If he isn’t even as involved with his own kids it’s not about the child it’s about A.

Fundays12 · 30/12/2022 08:42

Your DH needs to start prioritising his own children over A child. He should have done this all along. Obviously A DD needs must be met and she needs cared for but that is up

EezyOozy · 30/12/2022 08:43

Op you’re a Saint. How the hell have you put up with this for so long ?!! No chance I’d be getting told I was providing free childcare for someone else (someone who may/may not be too close to my husband). A sounds like a right chancer and your husband sounds like a bit of a knob.

TerraNostra · 30/12/2022 08:43

mortitiaaddams · 30/12/2022 01:17

It's one of these jobs, yes.

I do think she'd say something if DH was the father to avoid having to give her DD's dad contact. We think there is going to be a DNA test anyway (her dad, not DH!) although I may be wrong on that.

The two of our DC who often help out with childcare don't have an issue with the current arrangement/how much DH does with A's DD. Our other DC very much do.

Show quote history

B and C's DC have started to resent this, because B often missed out on these when they were growing up.

Is this not the older DC you are talking about here? Only you’re now saying they don’t have a problem. Or are the younger DC quite grown up too?

Ppetunia · 30/12/2022 08:45

I think the godparents thing is the red herring. The child is B's but he must have had an affair and OP doesn't want to flag that as it would change the dynamic of the thread. Otherwise what godparent would do all that stuff for his godchild above his own children.

Fundays12 · 30/12/2022 08:45

Fundays12 · 30/12/2022 08:42

Your DH needs to start prioritising his own children over A child. He should have done this all along. Obviously A DD needs must be met and she needs cared for but that is up

Sorry posted to soon.

It's up to the mother of the child so A to prioritise her DD needs. Why is she enlisting her in an activity that has competition etc miles away for weekends at a time when she can't facilitate this? A has become overly reliant on B and C who are taking on a parenting role of A child but B is doing it at the expense of his own child which is unacceptable.

Eddielizzard · 30/12/2022 08:45

Yes, you're saying that your DH isn't the father because she is saying this other bloke is and he's awful. But that fits right into her narrative. I think she's very happy with this situation. She has the full support of your DH, their affair, you and your DC on tap for childcare, and still live a single life without the boring domestic bits with him but an exciting roller coaster job and an intense emotional affair (at the minimum).

The father has no contact, and she will eventually have to get a DNA test which will prove that DC is not his. But she will have spun that out for a while longer.

She doesn't want to break up your family. She wants your childcare and the good bits of your DH.

Sorry, that is all very blunt and must be very upsetting.

PrincessScarlett · 30/12/2022 08:46

C is being taken for a mug if she has been doing the bulk of childcare while A and B work together.

I think B is being unreasonable as he is putting another woman and child before his own family. The problem arises that C has let this arrangement carry on for 8 years. Has the penny just dropped for C?

B sounds far too invested and I fear if C rocks the boat B will refuse to stop supporting A as he has done.

Ijuststoodonlego · 30/12/2022 08:46

Shauna27 · 30/12/2022 00:08

B must be the father? I'd do a DNA test.

I thought this too. No other explanation really?

Fucket · 30/12/2022 08:48

Hang on your DH is taking an 8yo girl away for the weekend on his own?

Is it just me who feels uncomfortable about that?

Jimboscott0115 · 30/12/2022 08:52

OP, while it took a little while to get my head around the simple advice I would give us that the relationship between A and B is wildly inappropriate.

A is taking the piss and isn't a single parent at all because B is the second parent. Biologically or otherwise. She has him wrapped around her finger.

B is weirdly emotionally attached to A and her child, I would guess it's more than just a job thing and would be hugely shocked if there wasn't a past or something more between them. He has crossed a line a long time ago and may actually be impossible to pull back. He somehow thinks this is normal. It's not.

C has essentially lost her husband to A and As child. She can't see it yet, but he's more invested in them than his actual biological family. C needs to make a last gasp attempt to cut some ties between A and B or I believe it's likely he'll keep this up forever and will drift even further away. C needs to be careful as any ultimatum sounds like it could result in B choosing A.

Honestly OP.. I think unless you're happy with this setup, you may have to prepare for the worst.

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 30/12/2022 08:52

It's blindingly obvious that either B is the father, or A has some serious dirt on him that she's threatened to spill if he doesn't comply with what she wants.

BlandSoup · 30/12/2022 08:56

Why does she need a DNA test if she knows who the dad is?

The whole thing is really weird. I echo what the others have said. Your husband is either the dad, or he’s having an affair with her. As someone else said, if he’s that interested in her child but not your young children, then it about her, not her child. Otherwise, why would he favour her kid over yours.

Fishwifer · 30/12/2022 09:00

Woah, this gets more bizarre... The children of C & B are expected to do / are doing part of the childcare for A's child too, one unhappy with it?!

So this is like if I were a kid and being expected to babysit my dad's unrelated work colleague's DC while the mum worked?!

Er...

It sounds more like the setup for a half sibling.

I know op is insisting that the child of A isn't B's... But it might as well be! Everything else reflects it!

NoSquirrels · 30/12/2022 09:00

He needs to commit, above all else, that his own young children come first. Then he needs to be an involved grandparent.

He needs to accept there will be times that he disappoints A and A’s DD.

There’s probably an element too that the DC with DGC need to be a bit less jealous and stop moaning?

The specific situation of a far away sports fixture is tricky though as OTOH it’s not fair to sign a kid up for something you can’t facilitate but OTOH it’s not fair to think someone is willing to do this for them but is being prevented just out of principle.

He needs to see your POV and step up more with his family but there is a small child at the centre of this that you’ve all treated as family for 8 years.