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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter's friends never say thank you

108 replies

TheUnconsoled · 29/12/2022 17:35

A couple of years ago we hosted our (18 year old) daughter's friends for three weeks in our home in Italy. We cooked for them, took them sightseeing, took them to the beach, etc etc. They didn't wash up a single time, didn't buy us - I don't know - an ice cream - as a token thank you, and after we had driven them three hours to the airport, turned their backs on us and walked away into the airport! I was furious but basically I'd let it go and forgotten about it. This year my daughter brought a different friend home (in the UK) for Christmas. We fetched her from the train station, cooked for her for 8 days, took them to the cinema, bought her Christmas presents so she wouldn't feel left out. She has spent her entire visit looking at her phone, like the previous guests hasn't offered even one time to wash the dishes or help out in any way. Today she got up at 2pm and has ignored the rest of us. Not a 'hello', not a 'how is everybody'. And yet again, not a single 'thank you'. She's leaving tomorrow and I am waiting to see if she says thank you for the visit to our home during which we have done everything we can to host her and make her feel welcome. I seriously doubt it. And to compound it all, our daughter doesn't seem to see anything wrong with this behaviour, or say anything to her friend(s)! It's on the tip of my tongue to say to her 'you know people normally show a little graciousness and gratitude after being offered hospitality' but ... I know that my daughter will be furious, and basically there's no point.

OP posts:
SausageGate · 29/12/2022 17:56

I’d get your hearing checked because I can’t fathom it’s even remotely possible to have chanced across this many utterly ungrateful people in this circumstance. That’s ridiculous - YADNBU to expect gratitude and thanks.

My only caveat would be whether you’ve somewhat spoilt your own DD to result in all her friends being this way, and her not being embarrassed by it. You do seem very generous and that’s not always the best way to create grateful young adults. Do you think your DD thanks people when she goes to stay?

I do think it can be awkward to know how to help without getting in the way so, to be honest, I’d have expected DD to encourage and direct with things like washing up too.

Cuppasoupmonster · 29/12/2022 17:59

YANBU entitled little shits. I remember taking a bunch of friends on holiday to our family’s holiday apartment in Italy when I was about 20 - not a single one of them thanked me at the end, in fact they refused to get up and help me clean it before we were due to leave that day.

Original poster
TheUnconsoled · 29/12/2022 18:48

This is what I'm finally coming to realise and to question. Why does she choose these friends? And why - as you say - does she not coax them along into more appropriate behavious? Thanks for answering.

OP posts:
BeautifulDragon · 29/12/2022 18:55

My DC are younger, but why don't you make it your DD's job to pull her friends up on their behavior?

Does she help around the house, wash up and say thank you?

They sound awful though! I know teens can be socially awkward and shy around adults, but a simple 'bye, thanks for everything' isn't asking a lot.

Cherrysoup · 29/12/2022 19:07

I wouldn’t be hosting her mates again-clearly they’re just after a free holiday. I can’t understand why you didn’t speak to your daughter about this.

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 29/12/2022 19:09

At 15 we took ds's mate abroad. Amazing holiday. Sent both of them home after a week. The lad was awful. Ds wasn't any better. Took months to get the air fare off his dm... Not even a thank you for taking him. Apparently he told people we sent him home for refusing to watch ds's siblings. As if...

SirenSays · 29/12/2022 19:14

I had friends like this. My mother would get mad at me for their behaviour and when I'd tell them to be polite they'd get mad at me too.
My SILs are exactly the same. I won't host them any longer.

Liz1tummypain · 29/12/2022 19:15

Sounds very annoying. How about your daughter? Is she helpful and polite with you? And if she is, then surely she could see the shortcomings of her friends - assuming they don't change their behaviour soon. I wouldn't agree to host to anyone else after this unless your daughter can convince you that they are polite, decent guests.

Oblomov22 · 29/12/2022 19:19

This would massively bother me. But more fool you for not saying something this time, or last time. And for not talking to your DD about it. Total martyr.

Menomenon · 29/12/2022 19:19

You are setting your self up for resentment-disaster by hosting anyone for more than 3 days in a row.

Teenagers are pretty awful. Well, mine are. They do say thank you but they are rubbish at please.

C1N1C · 29/12/2022 19:21

Gonna be slammed for this, but it's this generation. They're SO self-absorbed. They've been raised from a young age to post their entire lives on the Web, seek constant reassurance and approval, and unless the world revolves around them, they're not happy.

I'm 'only' mid 30s and I was raised so differently. I'd probably be more annoying to a host for offering too much help! ... I feel your pain.

PeekAtYou · 29/12/2022 19:23

I would be checking that my dd wasn't behaving like this when others were hosting her.
I have kids in that age group and I get thanked for sleepovers and Lifts and make sure they do the same. My kids also thank me and realise that hosting involves buying food in and extra cleaning
I would stop hosting these ungrateful kids.

Rainallnight · 29/12/2022 19:27

I’d stop hosting them. And then that would be a useful message to your DD - just in case her behaviour is the same at other people’s houses - that actions have consequences.

feellikeanalien · 29/12/2022 19:27

I remember DPs nephew bringing his girlfriend to visit us when we lived abroad. I was pregnant with DD at the time.

Neither of them lifted a finger to help me. We took them out for meals and sightseeing and I don't remember them ever saying thankyou. They never once offered to cook, wash up or pay for a coffee. ( I wouldn't have expected them to take us out for dinner as she was a student and he was in a fairly low paid job at the time).

Needless to say we never invited them back.

I do remember being quite horrified at the time as, even when I was a student, I would never have behaved like that.

converseandjeans · 29/12/2022 19:32

This doesn't surprise me. I have run many school trips in UK, abroad, Duke of Edinburgh. I can count on one hand the number of parents who have said thank you, let alone the students.

It's a huge responsibility at the end of the day. If I did something wrong there would be emails of complaint I'm sure. Not sure why they can't email to say thanks or just say thank you at pick up. Many disappear off without telling me they have got their child. I find this quite irresponsible as it's hard to keep track & if a child went missing it would be a disaster!

Just stop hosting. It doesn't sound like your DD really appreciates it.

Many teachers are opting out of trips for this reason. Most trips are in school hols or over weekends. Why would we give up our unpaid time to run something that takes hours to plan? A few thank you on pick up would make a difference.

Don't the parents of said guests send you a bunch of flowers?

theblackradiator · 29/12/2022 19:32

It's there upbringing, bad parenting, parents that don't teach their kids basic manners. I've always instilled good manners in my dc and taught them to always say please and thank you. I've always told them to speak to and to treat people as they'd expect to be spoken to and treated themselves. I've come across many teens even adults with appalling manners. it would annoy me too op.

RunnerBum · 29/12/2022 19:33

C1N1C · 29/12/2022 19:21

Gonna be slammed for this, but it's this generation. They're SO self-absorbed. They've been raised from a young age to post their entire lives on the Web, seek constant reassurance and approval, and unless the world revolves around them, they're not happy.

I'm 'only' mid 30s and I was raised so differently. I'd probably be more annoying to a host for offering too much help! ... I feel your pain.

Bollocks.

I’m “only” mid-20s but yesterday I went to my aunt’s for lunch and my cousins (18-23) were all buzzing around and doing everything they could to help - cups of tea and washing up and taking coats. My aunt (different aunt) never helps with anything when she comes to stay with us - no cooking, clearing, washing up etc. No thanks, no support, nothing. She’s the same when she visits my parents.

There are rude people in every generation.

LlynTegid · 29/12/2022 19:40

No visitors then, and say why.

MajorCarolDanvers · 29/12/2022 19:45

Id have said something after the first day or so

Both to the previous CFs and the current CFs.

No way I'd tolerate guests sleeping all day, failing to help out.

(BIL tried it first time he visited and DH put him straight. It's never happened again).

They are CFs but you are a mug for putting up with it and not dealing with it.

BreadInCaptivity · 29/12/2022 19:47

To be fair OP if no one ever pulls them up on it because they don't want to upset their own children then that's part of the problem.

I have to say my experience of my DS's friends is that they are all unfailingly helpful and polite and broad statements about an ungrateful generation from some posters here are wide of the mark.

However if that was not the case I'd have no hesitation in being vocal about them being rude irrespective of how my DS felt about me doing that.

I have to say I find it somewhat ironic condemning someone's behaviour and expecting better, whilst simultaneously refusing to engage with them and explain why their behaviour was inappropriate.

bakermummy21 · 29/12/2022 19:47

I wonder if they help with stuff in their own homes? or say thank you to their parents for things. Doesn't sound like they do. I think they tend to get better the older they get.

MajorCarolDanvers · 29/12/2022 19:47

C1N1C · 29/12/2022 19:21

Gonna be slammed for this, but it's this generation. They're SO self-absorbed. They've been raised from a young age to post their entire lives on the Web, seek constant reassurance and approval, and unless the world revolves around them, they're not happy.

I'm 'only' mid 30s and I was raised so differently. I'd probably be more annoying to a host for offering too much help! ... I feel your pain.

I agree with PP. Bollicks and ageist.

Winnipeg23 · 29/12/2022 19:48

Just stop giving so much to spoilt brats.
Theres loads of poorer and needier kids who would be over the moon to receive some of the love and generosity u give.
I worked in a deprived school for a couple of days on supply and let them keep a couple of my pencils which they thought were cool. They were absolutely over the moon.
I don't want to spend my life indulgingthw already overindulged.

2bazookas · 29/12/2022 19:53

DD's friends have abused your hospitality. I'd tell DD not to bring any more guests to stay, either in UK or Italy.

dieselKiller · 29/12/2022 19:53

What do her friends do when your daughter offers to do the washing up? Or when she says thank you for showing her and her friends around? Do they notice when your daughter gets you a token gift to show her appreciation?

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