Daughter's friends never say thank you

[TheUnconsoled]

A couple of years ago we hosted our (18 year old) daughter's friends for three weeks in our home in Italy. We cooked for them, took them sightseeing, took them to the beach, etc etc. They didn't wash up a single time, didn't buy us - I don't know - an ice cream - as a token thank you, and after we had driven them three hours to the airport, turned their backs on us and walked away into the airport! I was furious but basically I'd let it go and forgotten about it. This year my daughter brought a different friend home (in the UK) for Christmas. We fetched her from the train station, cooked for her for 8 days, took them to the cinema, bought her Christmas presents so she wouldn't feel left out. She has spent her entire visit looking at her phone, like the previous guests hasn't offered even one time to wash the dishes or help out in any way. Today she got up at 2pm and has ignored the rest of us. Not a 'hello', not a 'how is everybody'. And yet again, not a single 'thank you'. She's leaving tomorrow and I am waiting to see if she says thank you for the visit to our home during which we have done everything we can to host her and make her feel welcome. I seriously doubt it. And to compound it all, our daughter doesn't seem to see anything wrong with this behaviour, or say anything to her friend(s)! It's on the tip of my tongue to say to her 'you know people normally show a little graciousness and gratitude after being offered hospitality' but ... I know that my daughter will be furious, and basically there's no point.

Not the same situation, but I always hold a door for the person behind me.
If I get no acknowledgement, I say "you're welcome".

So when your daughter's friend is leaving, you could say unprompted "you're VERY welcome" and see if the penny drops.

My late mother used to tell me frequently that my instinct to be overly kind and generous to people would not end well for me and she was right. It seems that the same is true for you because the more you do, the less you're thought of. Don't put so much effort in to thoughtless assholes. If their first sentence upon meeting you isn't "Thank you so much for having me, you're very kind, here's some wine/flowers/chocolate" then you know not to roll out the red carpet.

My daughters would be absolutely mortified if their friends behaved this way at my house and would probably have a quiet word with them about it.

They sound hideous and I wouldn't invite them again. As for dishes etc, I would just ask them to do those

@MajorCarolDanvers You're so right! Now I wish I'd said something in the first place!

@FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar good idea! I might try this one when I put her on the train tomorrow (to which train station I'm expected to drive her - well she's simply assuming I'm going to drive as obviously she thinks that taxis are part of the service!!!!)

@Cherrysoup I don't know why I don't speak to my DD about this either?! I kind of feel like I'm going to ruin the time they're here with us but tbh the visitor is ruining it for me anyway ...

@BeautifulDragon My own daughter is always extremely polite. She met up with her elderly aunt recently - took her to lunch and paid for the lunch. Helped her to find a cab home when the bus didn't turn up. She never behaves like her friends do which is why I can't understand why she doesn't see how upsetting and annoying their behaviour is for us - for the rest of her family.

You have a daughter problem, it’s not her friends, it’s her expectation of how they should be treated and enabling and allowing their behaviour towards you. I bet some things are said about you behind your back to encourage this sort of thing too, as most nor Aly teenagers know their manners

@converseandjeans Having read all the posts here (thank you everybody!) it's obvious that many many people are like this - and in different situations such as yours with the school trips. Did the parents send a note or flowers? In the case of the two girls that we hosted in Italy, the parents of one of the girls met us at the airport in the UK and drove us all home (3 hours) and yes, thanked me profusely on behalf of their daughter and I appreciated that (although the daughter herself never once said thank you!). The parents of the other girl? Never heard a word from them - not flowers, not a note, not a quick phone call 'thanks so much' or similar. As somebody else said on here that's all you're asking for. We didn't host them because we wanted grovelling gratitude - we did it because we wanted them to have a good time and because we enjoy cooking and hosting but ... just one tiny little 'thanks for everything' is all that I would want or need in return but apparently even that is too much to ask!

I voted yabu. Not because you are, its rude of them and would wind me up. But I'd try to look at ot through the lens that youre giving your daughter a warm family home where she feels able to have people home and that's what she will remember. That's more important. Maybe just pull back a little if it annoys you too much. But just remember its for your daughter and not them. When they grow up another 10 years they will be mortified and probably posting on mumsnet. What goes around!

@Newusernameaug I'm beginning to fear that you are right. Judging by the looks which past between them across the dinner table (of the 'ha see what I mean?' kind of variety). As if, like you say, they've been discussing all this between them. But my DD is 20 yrs old. She's not a child, or even a teenager. I just don't understand why she thinks this is OK.

The sound rude but I can't believe you didn't pick them up on it.

Yeah no way would I be running around like a blue arsed fly for a group of ungrateful teens for 3-weeks on holiday. Hell no.

I'd probably giving them a few days to settle in and feel more comfortable then would have started having to give jobs out causally;
"Morning girls, hope you slept well? Coffees over there Sarah, can you just make a pot of it please? Oh Lauren would you mind slicing some bread, and can you unload the dishwasher please Mia? I'll put some breakfast on for us all!"
All said with Gousto and a big enthusiastic grin.

It's on the tip of my tongue to say to her 'you know people normally show a little graciousness and gratitude after being offered hospitality' but ... I know that my daughter will be furious, and basically there's no point.

I think that is your problem OP

@sobeyondthehills You're right. I know you are.

I used to be in a program for pregnant teenagers with challenges. I supported a few over the years. I have never forgotten one of them who asked if I would give her cousin a lift, I did, the cousin got out saying nothing. The young woman I supported walked her cousin in, came back and said, "I will never ask you to do anything for her again, I am so sorry she didn't thank you".

Some young people are well brought up. Your DD didn't say the above about her friends so I'd be asking myself whether you instilled the kind of manners in her you'd like to see.

Why are your DDs friends so rude? I have a 17 year old DS and his friends are extremely polite, unfailingly saying 'thanks' if I give them a lift anywhere or if they come round to the house. Whilst DS can be a sod, I am aware that other people think he's charming and well mannered. He has been brought up with manners, and will automatically offer to wash up at his Granny's house after a meal, and will phone and say thanks for birthday money, etc from relatives.

@MadMadMadamMim My own DD is like your DS - she washes up, helps with cooking, unfailingly thanks people for help or lifts of whatever. So I can't understand why she fails to see that her friends' behaviour is unacceptable, or why she doesn't have a quiet word with them.

I’d certainly expect them to be thanking you for hosting and for presents. That’s one thing I always drummed into mine, if going for dinner, a play date or a party etc always say thanks for having me. I mean you say ‘what do you say?’ when leaving until it’s drummed into them. Offering to wash up or buy you an ice cream, I’d say these aren’t things 18yr olds think about. I’ve got one and I can’t imagine him offering to wash up anywhere, and people always compliment him on his manners. I don’t think teens / young adults think like that. Being on their phone 24/7, standard I’m afraid

And to compound it all, our daughter doesn't seem to see anything wrong with this behaviour, or say anything to her friend(s)!

That's your issue.

I find it strange that you wouldn't have asked them to help out? It wouldn't have crossed my mind to cater to them like that? Does your daughter help out?

Are these all wealthy kids?

Did the parents send a note or flowers?

In 20 years I have had one bunch of flowers as I was chasing around a German City in a taxi going to hospital for a contact lens problem & didn't get to bed til around 2am. Her Mum bought the staff flowers.

Otherwise almost no word of thanks. I think it's just expected that staff give up time & take risk of running a trip.

I don't expect much either - just a quick wave, cheerio & thanks for looking after them. No flowers or presents needed!

I think you need to scale back - the eye rolling would wind me up. Your DD has probably come to expect your generosity.

Having just witnessed my young adult nieces and nephews behave the same way I’m inclined to agree with you. They’re perfectly pleasant, and so a good job of keeping their younger cousins who adore them entertained, but my god they don’t lift a finger and seem to expect to be waited on for days at a time.

@SoSweetAndSalty I suppose I just think that it's so blindingly obvious that you would offer to help out or at the very least say 'thank you so much for the lovely holiday' or whatever, that no, I've never asked them to help out. I kind of feel like - I don't know - if you have to tell someone that they need to say 'thank you' for being hosted in somebody's home (and very generously) then there's really no point in telling them. Obviously, I'll never invite her again. And in fact, after the first time (the other two girls staying with us in Italy) I told my DD that they were no longer in our home. She was quite shocked I think but realised that my reaction was reasonable. But now - here we are all over again! Oddly for the first few days she was here she was sweet and chatty and cleared the table occasionally but now she's glued to her phone all the time and doesn't appear unless she's trailing along in DD's wake. DD has been ill over the last few days and we had to spend the day at doctor's and so on yesterday, and the friend didn't emerge from her room until we returned from the various visits at 3pm. My mother was here alone in the house and DD's friend didn't down to wish my mother good morning, or greet the rest of us when we returned from the doctor. I mean - what exactly can you say to a person like that? And what would be the point? 'How come you're incapable of maintaining even the most basic of civil behaviour while you're in our house enjoying our hospitatlity?'

YANBU.

I always helped out when staying with friends and I had plenty of hospitality/visits to holiday homes due to rather chaotic home life that I was keen to avoid. I wasn’t set an amazing example by my parents but I knew basic manners and took on board any feedback delivered by other people’s parents…gently or sometimes v direct. If she doesn’t thank you, do her a favour and in a kindly way explain what good manners looks like. Either entitled, or plain dumb, they need to hear this!