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Original poster

Daughter's friends never say thank you

108 replies

TheUnconsoled · 29/12/2022 17:35

A couple of years ago we hosted our (18 year old) daughter's friends for three weeks in our home in Italy. We cooked for them, took them sightseeing, took them to the beach, etc etc. They didn't wash up a single time, didn't buy us - I don't know - an ice cream - as a token thank you, and after we had driven them three hours to the airport, turned their backs on us and walked away into the airport! I was furious but basically I'd let it go and forgotten about it. This year my daughter brought a different friend home (in the UK) for Christmas. We fetched her from the train station, cooked for her for 8 days, took them to the cinema, bought her Christmas presents so she wouldn't feel left out. She has spent her entire visit looking at her phone, like the previous guests hasn't offered even one time to wash the dishes or help out in any way. Today she got up at 2pm and has ignored the rest of us. Not a 'hello', not a 'how is everybody'. And yet again, not a single 'thank you'. She's leaving tomorrow and I am waiting to see if she says thank you for the visit to our home during which we have done everything we can to host her and make her feel welcome. I seriously doubt it. And to compound it all, our daughter doesn't seem to see anything wrong with this behaviour, or say anything to her friend(s)! It's on the tip of my tongue to say to her 'you know people normally show a little graciousness and gratitude after being offered hospitality' but ... I know that my daughter will be furious, and basically there's no point.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheUnconsoled · 31/12/2022 16:07

And a PS. This may sound weird to some of you who regularly join discussions here but ... I don't have a huge number of friends and my family is small - just myself, DH, DD and my mum. I don't have a social / other place in which to discuss issues / family dynamics / etc so I found it very interesting and helpful and supporting to 'chat' with so many people who I don't know, and to hear other people's experiences and advice!

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 31/12/2022 16:26

I’m so glad that she said thank you and left a card - sounds as though she was awkward but not ungrateful. With friends of ours (DS2 is 14) there is usually a ‘thank you ‘ but often prompted by the collecting parent …

mynamesnotMa · 31/12/2022 16:57

I took a my dad's friend camping paid for everything. She was polite but her mother didn't text me to say thank you. Manners seem to no longer be important. My own children are extremely polite and well mannered. I drilled it into then to say thank you and show appreciation.

SleeplessInEngland · 31/12/2022 17:03

C1N1C · 29/12/2022 19:21

Gonna be slammed for this, but it's this generation. They're SO self-absorbed. They've been raised from a young age to post their entire lives on the Web, seek constant reassurance and approval, and unless the world revolves around them, they're not happy.

I'm 'only' mid 30s and I was raised so differently. I'd probably be more annoying to a host for offering too much help! ... I feel your pain.

You’re way too young to be giving any credence to the ‘kids today’ bullshit. As soon as you start (wrongly) believing it, you’re truly old.

AnneElliott · 31/12/2022 17:39

It will be the lack of parenting. DS always offers to pay for something if he's taken anywhere (I insist on it) and would definitely have said thank you for lifts and for having him to stay - we'd have sent a gift afterwards anyway.

Agree it is more prevalent now but it does depend on how they're raised. I wouldn't be hosting friends again.

NeedToChangeName · 31/12/2022 18:11

BadNomad · 30/12/2022 01:24

I'm confused about your daughter. If your daughter is so polite and well-mannered, why does she not think there is something wrong with her friend's manners? Does she say "thank you" and help out when her friend is there? Or could the friend just be copying what she sees?

I have a lot of trouble with this stuff (I'm autistic as heck). I went away to a gorgeous cabin with my friend and her parents when we were 16. We (friend and I) didn't cook or do anything helpful, really. I was kinda shy and didn't want to impose. I didn't know what was expected of me, so I pretty much just stayed out of the way. When we went home, I did thank them for taking me away with them. But later, my friend told me her parents were shocked that I didn't buy them a gift. I had no idea this was a thing! I had no idea it was ok to insert yourself in to someone else's routine, a routine which was unknown to me. If they'd just said "Right, your turn to cook/clean/do dishes" I would have done it happily because I wasn't actually a rude, obnoxious teenager. Just quite oblivious to "the rules".

That was long. TLDR: was the friend actually being rude, or could she just have been unaware of what is expected in those types of situation?

@BadNomad i agree with you. As a teenager, I stayed with various families for a week or so. I would happily do any chores requested, but wouldn't necessarily know that a gift might be expected, or how much to spend

WiddlinDiddlin · 31/12/2022 18:47

Bloody tell her, on her own and kindly but tell her:

'That's twice now that we have hosted YOUR guests and they have behaved appallingly rudely, not offering to help, not saying please/thankyou or showing any common gratitude towards us. You are responsible for the behaviour of your guests and unless you're willing to ensure they do behave pleasantly and politely, we will not be welcoming guests of yours again!'

moita · 31/12/2022 19:51

C1N1C · 29/12/2022 19:21

Gonna be slammed for this, but it's this generation. They're SO self-absorbed. They've been raised from a young age to post their entire lives on the Web, seek constant reassurance and approval, and unless the world revolves around them, they're not happy.

I'm 'only' mid 30s and I was raised so differently. I'd probably be more annoying to a host for offering too much help! ... I feel your pain.

I'm 36 and don't think this is true. A group of teenagers came rushing to my 4 year old's aid when she fell over in front of them in Primark yesterday. One of them cheered her up by complimenting her dolly.

These particular children the OP is talking about have bad manners - lots of people in different age groups do.

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