Daughter's friends never say thank you

[TheUnconsoled]

A couple of years ago we hosted our (18 year old) daughter's friends for three weeks in our home in Italy. We cooked for them, took them sightseeing, took them to the beach, etc etc. They didn't wash up a single time, didn't buy us - I don't know - an ice cream - as a token thank you, and after we had driven them three hours to the airport, turned their backs on us and walked away into the airport! I was furious but basically I'd let it go and forgotten about it. This year my daughter brought a different friend home (in the UK) for Christmas. We fetched her from the train station, cooked for her for 8 days, took them to the cinema, bought her Christmas presents so she wouldn't feel left out. She has spent her entire visit looking at her phone, like the previous guests hasn't offered even one time to wash the dishes or help out in any way. Today she got up at 2pm and has ignored the rest of us. Not a 'hello', not a 'how is everybody'. And yet again, not a single 'thank you'. She's leaving tomorrow and I am waiting to see if she says thank you for the visit to our home during which we have done everything we can to host her and make her feel welcome. I seriously doubt it. And to compound it all, our daughter doesn't seem to see anything wrong with this behaviour, or say anything to her friend(s)! It's on the tip of my tongue to say to her 'you know people normally show a little graciousness and gratitude after being offered hospitality' but ... I know that my daughter will be furious, and basically there's no point.

I have some ungrateful friends, but there have also been some grateful ones. They're the ones who always insist on taking their own plate to the kitchen and put it in the dishwasher. They also have lovely parents. It's not the DCs fault, it's the parents IMO, but I also think age does play a part and teens will remember their manners when they are no longer teens.

I do know someone who was very well brought up who didn't thank the aunts housekeeper personally after a stay in the aunts house. There was a very strongly worded complaint from the aunt to the parents of the teen! Said teen is now an adult with absolutely perfect manners who wouldn't think twice about going out to personally thank the dustmen every Tuesday morning.

I think it slightly changed things that your daughter was out OP. I agree with the principle of what you’re saying, but I don’t think it would be that common to come downstairs/greet grandma unless they’re a family friend and very comfortable in the house. As I say, I do agree with your main point and the lack of manners is so so galling, but I’d say the friend probably sat in her room and felt really awkward that day (not suggesting it could be helped and certainly not suggesting you could or should have done anything differently of course, but I wouldn’t put that in the same category as the rest of the rudeness).

Your DD should find better company, my DD’s ones always clean/wash after themselves and always thanks are given , sometimes the odd flowers but I’m not expecting any presents in return, they’re students and skint but always mannered and respectful

I took dds friend (both 14) to a festival. The friend thanked me profusely and said it was “the best day of her life” and mum sent me flowers. Lovely family.

You are very unlucky to have had so many rude teenagers stay with you !
I have three young adult children and their friends have all been good company ,well mannered and helpful whenever they have stayed.

YANBU for thinking these kids are lazy, self-absorbed, ungrateful & rude.

YABU for pandering to them and enabling their behaviour. My friends’ parents would certainly never have tolerated such behaviour.

If your daughter isn’t doing any of these things to show gratitude & pull her weight then her friends are less likely to too.

Basic lack of thanks & manners however is shocking though.

We've hosted uni friends many times over the years and they were always delightful, mucking in with laying the table, carrying shopping etc alongside dds. Flowers, chocolates and thank you cards too. I'd expect DDs to do the same, and check they had money for a gift.

Yesterday I offered 2 of ds's friends lifts home from the football as it started pissing down. They both thanked me for the lift.

I am just back from a family Christmas get together. Invited ds(18) girlfriend to join us. She thanked us for the invite, thanked us for her meal, and in the car on the way back thanked us again for taking her to meet all the family for the first time and said she had a great time.

Ds thanked me for buying his girlfriend an Xmas gift and making her feel welcome. He came home and thanked me for putting his trainers (that he had put in washing machine) on the radiator to dry out.

The young people I meet through ds are generally very polite. It is unfair and inaccurate to label them all the same.

I also use the "you're welcome!" comment, please use this at the train station of you get nothing back

AIBU for not joining in “family card game”

We have in laws staying with us all of Christmas, they are good at playing with kids but literally don’t lift a finger with cooking / clearing up etc. I’ve cooked every single meal including Christmas dinner for 14 and am constantly cleaning up their mess. It’s ok as they are playing with the kids but I’m pretty shattered. Tonight after dinner I actually made it to a yoga class (first thing I’ve done for myself in weeks). Got back and they ate all playing cards, house is a tip. I clear everything up then go for a shower. I’m just sitting on bed reading for a min whilst I cool down (shower was very hot) and my DH comes up to say I’m being miserable as not joining in card game. Am I being unreasonable that it’s almost 10pm and I just want to go to bed after a full on week of hosting???

That's appalling and her friends obviously have no manners whatsoever. My two sons are the complete opposite, have been away with friends' families a few times and I've been told how grateful and helpful they were.

These girls have obviously not been brought up well. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Half my dds friends are incredibly polite and her boyfriend crowbars a compliment and a thank you into every sentence. But I refused to offer any more lifts home to some of her other friends who barely acknowledged me and only said a very minimal begrudging thank you to me when I went out of my way for them - saving them a two hour walk in the rain - while chatting enthusiastically to each other. My daughter admitted to me that she agrees they are rude and ungrateful and is in agreement with my stance. Now I understand why their parents aren't offering them a lift home!

Why isn't the friend spending Christmas with her own family?

Maybe it's because they can't stand her

I'd stop allowing these friends to stay as they don't deserve it

I would say to the friends come on I did the cooking you can clear away and wash up.

Every single one of Ds1's and ds2's friends are incredibly polite, and thank me profusely for a lift, even if it's only a few miles. I've never ever had any party invitee, dinner guest, or anyone who hadn't been extremely grateful and said thank You. Ever.

It's really odd how people behave - I'm totally with you. One of my cousins often brings friends over when we're having family gatherings (she's single and doesn't like going to things alone so always brings a "plus one") - they are always so obnoxious. One of them had her dinner and then made herself comfy on the sofa and fell asleep for three hours. Another just sat on her phone the entire time on tiktok. One a few years ago spent nearly the whole time FaceTiming someone very loudly in the living room and we all took it as "it must be a very serious conversation she's having - let's leave her to it" only to find she was chatting with a friend. Once she'd hung up (after two hours) she went "right shall we head home?".
We are also in the same position where if we mentioned to my cousin "oh wow they're rude" she'd take it completely the wrong way so now we just say "we'd prefer if you came on your own" or "we'll pick you up" so she's not arriving alone.

I might try this one when I put her on the train tomorrow (to which train station I'm expected to drive her - well she's simply assuming I'm going to drive as obviously she thinks that taxis are part of the service!!!!)

tell her you can’t drive her to the station and provide her with details of the buses.

why would you put yourself out for such a rude person?

You need to start your own thread

Is your daughter rude like this? If she isn’t I would ask her how she’s ended up with friends like these, and tell her you will give her a list of basic manners so she can remind any future guests who come.

I have teens and this isn’t normal at all.

This too. Don’t be a doormat

My daughters aren't perfect, so I don't mean this smugly at all, but they are quite big on manners. I used to hear them hissing to their friends 'say thank you for having me to my mum' to their friends, on the way out after a sleepover

Oh, and YANBU. It's unbelievably rude.

I really don’t think this is true.

Some teens have always been rude, it’s a self absorbed age and if manners aren’t insisted on they can go south, but I have step teens, and nieces, nephews and godchildren, all of whom loiter around our house with friends and they are all somewhere between polite and extremely polite - mainly at the more extreme end.

I'd be going back to toddler times and not passing food or drinks without dragging out a loud clear thank you first. Same passing the bags out the boot at the airport.
I'd be absolutely furious and wouldn't allow any of them back.