Daughter's friends never say thank you

[TheUnconsoled]

A couple of years ago we hosted our (18 year old) daughter's friends for three weeks in our home in Italy. We cooked for them, took them sightseeing, took them to the beach, etc etc. They didn't wash up a single time, didn't buy us - I don't know - an ice cream - as a token thank you, and after we had driven them three hours to the airport, turned their backs on us and walked away into the airport! I was furious but basically I'd let it go and forgotten about it. This year my daughter brought a different friend home (in the UK) for Christmas. We fetched her from the train station, cooked for her for 8 days, took them to the cinema, bought her Christmas presents so she wouldn't feel left out. She has spent her entire visit looking at her phone, like the previous guests hasn't offered even one time to wash the dishes or help out in any way. Today she got up at 2pm and has ignored the rest of us. Not a 'hello', not a 'how is everybody'. And yet again, not a single 'thank you'. She's leaving tomorrow and I am waiting to see if she says thank you for the visit to our home during which we have done everything we can to host her and make her feel welcome. I seriously doubt it. And to compound it all, our daughter doesn't seem to see anything wrong with this behaviour, or say anything to her friend(s)! It's on the tip of my tongue to say to her 'you know people normally show a little graciousness and gratitude after being offered hospitality' but ... I know that my daughter will be furious, and basically there's no point.

Can't your DD drop her at the station at least? Surely not everything has to fall to you.

Not quite on the same scale op, but I've always been the host parent to my dc's friends, and with my oldest dc, we used to have a friend sleeping over regularly, eating our food, using our facilities taken places with the family etc. Never a problem and I enjoyed having them for my dc to enjoy the company. Never a thanks when leaving however, no acknowledgment from the parents even. I used to go to my friends house and stay over regularly and visa versa as a child back in the 80's and we wouldn't have dreamt of not saying thankyou when leaving, or bring rude/ungrateful it the first place. Make of it what you will.

Lots of people are ungrateful and lazy. Just had a family gathering and my sister and I did everything. No help from partners, in laws, nephews and nieces and no word of thanks either.
These people ranged from 13 to 50. Unfortunately some people are just CFs.
I did say as they were leaving that they were welcome but most of them just looked blank....

I stayed with a friends family in Greece for a week in my teens. He said I didn't need to give any cash but it would be nice if I bought his mum a present to say thanks (this request clearly came from the parents via him). Teens need to be told and shown how to be polite young adults still at that age.

I'm a teacher and I refuse to organise any school trip anymore. I'm fed up of ungrateful teenagers and parents.

I've been challenged about not paying for myself to make the trip cheaper and for doing it during term time instead of half term.

Schools are trying to include this in our appraisal so we can't say no.

I find this quite strange. Clearly you have instilled in your daughter good manners and it is strange to me that she does not expect the same of others.
The only thing I can think to explain any of this is that you say you love to host, to cook etc, and perhaps your daughter has told her friends this and they have taken it to mean they don't have to lift a finger. I don't say this excuses rudeness but I do think it's necessary to be very clear with guests about what is expected.

My children's friends always leap up to clear plates and offer to help in other ways. Usually I decline their offers but if the friend is here a lot I will accept, in fact if they are here night after night I will suggest they clean up. I am not here to serve teenagers!

I also find the lack of contact from parents to be strange. I would understand once they are 18 plus because that falls to the young person, but with younger people I have always had contact from the parents and I have always been profuse in thanks to the host.

Wait until the guest herself asks for a lift to the station, then challenge her about her rudeness. Then have a discussion with your daughter about future guests. Explain your expectations of any guests - joining in, helping out, being polite, not being a jerk basically. Say you are happy to discuss terms with any future guests if your DD is uncomfortable doing it. Do this before any tickets are booked or beds changed. I'd go further and produce a laminated A4 list of expectations, starting with a) make up your own bed on arrival to z) strip your bed & take bedding to laundry room (yes, there would be 26 items). You've been burned too many times, draw a line now.

I would tackle the perpetrating CF. I absolutely would and have done so. In fact I made one of DS cheeky fucker friends cry when I told him he was treating me like shit. I also told him that I was a real life person, who was every bit as important as he was. I have no regrets and he came with flowers the next day. I honestly don't think some of them notice that we are actual people rather than just support systems. Tell your CFs!!

I'm confused about your daughter. If your daughter is so polite and well-mannered, why does she not think there is something wrong with her friend's manners? Does she say "thank you" and help out when her friend is there? Or could the friend just be copying what she sees?

I have a lot of trouble with this stuff (I'm autistic as heck). I went away to a gorgeous cabin with my friend and her parents when we were 16. We (friend and I) didn't cook or do anything helpful, really. I was kinda shy and didn't want to impose. I didn't know what was expected of me, so I pretty much just stayed out of the way. When we went home, I did thank them for taking me away with them. But later, my friend told me her parents were shocked that I didn't buy them a gift. I had no idea this was a thing! I had no idea it was ok to insert yourself in to someone else's routine, a routine which was unknown to me. If they'd just said "Right, your turn to cook/clean/do dishes" I would have done it happily because I wasn't actually a rude, obnoxious teenager. Just quite oblivious to "the rules".

That was long. TLDR: was the friend actually being rude, or could she just have been unaware of what is expected in those types of situation?

Some of what you're posting is completely reasonable. Of course not one 'thank you' is incredibly rude.

However the more you post the more I think your expectations are a little warped. Your daughter is 20 so I'm presuming her friends are adults too yet you're talking about receiving flowers and thank you notes from parents? You and DD were out all day and you're offended that her friend (who presumably made the visit to see and spend time with your DD) didn't chat to your mother (who she presumably doesn't know and would feel awkward left alone with) and instead kept out of the way in DD's room? You're annoyed that you only see this friend when she's 'trailing your DD'? That's not weird, the friend is here to spend time with your DD, not become a fully fledged member of the family, of course she's spending her time with her.

At their age all your talk of 'hosting' is abit weird too. They're young adults, this girl is here to see and stay with her friend. Her (and I bet your DD) don't want to be hosted by you, they just want somewhere to crash for the few days they see their mate. Stop being such a martyr, leave them to it.

Now of course not saying thanks for having me at all/upon leaving is incredibly rude. And not excusable at all. You have every right to be pissed off. But it does sound like in other areas you are taking it too far.

Well anecdotal evidence isn't great is it. I know older relatives who behave like this so it's not an age think, it's an individual thing.

Probably because you enable her.

Why are you doing all this crazy hosting?

Your DD is an adult. They can buy food, cook, clean, strip their beds, sort their own travel arrangements. Leave them to it.

If DD asks why, explain exactly why. Because they're ungrateful & don't help out. Easy.

Lazy

Entitled

Lack of empathy

Bad parenting

You’re doing too much. They’re adults. Don’t you want to relax a bit yourself and have a nice time or do you enjoy waiting on other people/playing the martyr?

I wouldn’t enjoy that, so I wouldn’t do it.

Why don't you ever ask your daughter these young guests to help? You're being a bit of a doormat IMO.

A breezy "you two can clear the table and stack the dishwasher tonight, thanks!" works on my lazy teen family members. Small, directed tasks given in front of everyone so they're shamed into helping.

your daughter and*

And why - as you say - does she not coax them along into more appropriate behavious?

But equally, why didn't you ?
I don't get why you cooked for them for 3 weeks.
I don't get why - on either or these occasions - you didn't say "Well, I've cooked so you two clear up / wash up / load the dishwasher".

No, you shouldn't need to, the guest should offer, but if they didn't, then I would very clearly reset their expectations at the beginning.

Not true. My dc and their friends all say thank you for lifts, sleep overs etc.

Yes over the last few months I've entertained many of DS's friends and barely a thank you

Last night's person has been a few times and didn't even say goodbye

My DCs coach their mates on acceptable politeness for our home. We also model vocal thank you for cooking etc.

They are all teens so I tend to be largely invisible for their visits. I just leave instructions like make lunch.

That's not inevitable.... some people are just as rude as adults as well. I always thought my sister would grow out of being so entitled and rude but actually it's now worse and I resent it more.
It's not a generation thing it's a rudeness thing.
DS is a shy and awkward 14yo but still manages to mutter please and thank yous and help out because he's been brought up to know it's basic manners.
There is a group of his friends from school that are rude and don't even acknowledge my presence when giving lifts/ sorting stuff out for them. I find it irritating and annoying.
However he has other friends from scouts who are polite, helpful and try even awkwardly to make small talk. They are all the same age.
I know I cannot control how others behave so I concentrate on trying to ensure my kids are nice human beings and hope for the best.

You should be slammed.

What a ridiculous generalisation.

I have 3 dc in their 20s and have had many, many of their friends staying over here for one reason or another over the las 8 -10 years and none of them have ever behaved like this.

So incredibly rude. I hate bad manners, I would definitely pitch in and say thank you. Some people are just entitled.

How did it go today OP? Did you get a thank you in the end?

@LucyAutumn and to everybody else that has posted their views. First of all, thank you. This is the first time I've joined Mumsnet or posted anything and I found everything everybody said to be really helpful - esp. the suggestions about doing too much for DD and perhaps expecting too much for young people who maybe just don't know any better (as per the poster who is autistic and said how they just didn't know what was expected of them as a 16 year old). I also found the tips very helpful about how to nudge DD's friend in a friendly way into contributing. AND I would like you all to know what happened in the end and I was very very pleasantly surprised so I hope that everybody else out there will be pleased to. I DID drive her to the train station, and before she left she carefully went to find my mother and thanked her for her stay. On the station platform she thanked me and then turned to my DH (who had done all the cooking throughout the visit) and thanked him also 'for everything' and 'for making me feel so welcome' and when we got home we found a home-made card from her thanking us. So of course all my own ill-will has disappeared into the air. She was an awkward guest, and didn't help at all, and did sit looking at her phone a lot of the time, and stayed closeted in her room but ... a kind and thoughtful note and personal thank you has wiped all that away. It's brought lots of great happy post-Christmas feelings! Thank you everyone and I will try to be more positive in future!