Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM's reaction to being 12 mins late

328 replies

Coffeeandtveasily · 29/12/2022 17:34

My DH, my two children and I were due to meet my parents at a local restaurant today for lunch.
It's a very relaxed, family friendly restaurant. It was really quiet, with loads of available tables.
Due to one thing and another we turned up 12 minutes late. I messed my DM to say we were running late and would be there soon.
We saw them sitting at the window as we arrived. My Dad looked furious. My DM was looking at her phone with a face like thunder.
My DM said "Oh you're finally here! You're late!" I said "10 minutes late! We're here now."
They both had a big go at us, with my mum saying "It's lucky we weren't late or we'd have lost our table!" The restaurant was quiet, loads of available seating.
They then grumbled and made more passive aggressive comments.

I was so angry I couldn't speak. The only reason I didn't leave was because the kids were excited to be there.

I was looking forward to it after being ill and finally feeling a bit better but their attitude spolied it for me.

AIBU to think turning up 12 minutes late isn't that bad?!

Personally I'd have just had a drink with my DH while I waited rather than angrily looking out the window/at my phone.

OP posts:
kimchifix · 31/12/2022 01:55

I wouldn't have any friends left if I kicked off every time one of them was late. Bonkers, especially if you had communicated via text.

Furries · 31/12/2022 02:01

Babdoc · 29/12/2022 19:32

Many restaurants have timed table slots. Losing 15 mins off a 2 hour slot can mean a more hurried meal or a missed course, instead of a nice relaxed time.
For your DM, it is v stressful sitting at the table, smiling through gritted teeth, trying to stall the waiter with promises that her other guests are on their way, trying to spin out an unwanted drink, etc. She is also probably hungry, and will now have to wait even longer for you not only to roll up late, but then peruse the menu after she has already chosen her food.
It is beyond rude to do this when invited for a meal.
If you know you are badly organised or slow to get the DC ready, start earlier. Aim to be there 15 minutes early yourself, to allow some wiggle room.
I have never turned up late for a meal in over 40 years, during 16 of which I was a single parent to two children, one of them autistic. It’s not difficult to be punctual and polite.

This is so over the top!

Besides, already stated that lots of empty tables, so no impact on table turnover.

SylvieB74 · 31/12/2022 02:21

I wouldn’t even notice someone being 10 minutes late, and after the first couple of comments I would have walked out.

T1Dmama · 31/12/2022 03:04

When you have children things happen that make you late, life occasionally makes you late… Boxing Day I put out my guinea pigs, came indoors, washed hands… turned round to see that if stepped dog poop all over the kitchen… so rug was thrown in garden, floor bleached and poop washed off shoes etc…. Made me about half hour late! Can’t be helped sometimes!

When she said ‘if we were late we’d have lost table, you should’ve said ‘well you wouldn’t be late since you’re so damn bloody perfect!!

T1Dmama · 31/12/2022 03:14

FrazzledFirefly · 29/12/2022 17:40

I was 12 minutes late meeting my dad today. Messaged him to apologise. He said no worries, and that was it.

Huge overreaction by your parents.

THIS ^^^
If my daughter text and said I’m running late, I’d reply… ‘ok, don’t rush, get here safe!’

T1Dmama · 31/12/2022 04:29

So what do you suggest OP should’ve done if her kids made her late because they needed a last minute poop, or like you say we’re having a tantrum about getting their shoes or seatbelt on? throw them in the car without shoes on just to be on time ?? Tell them to hold their poop till you get to the restaurant and hope they don’t mess in the car on the way?!
my daughter used to be great at doing explosive nappies just as we were getting in the car! Often made me late. These things can’t be helped sometimes

Darlingx · 31/12/2022 05:23

I have the problem at the other end my partner likes to be extremely early for things and its become really annoying . So for example arriving 1hr 40 mins early for train to visit his mother which is a 6 hr train journey! Milling around a cold station it was the same on the return journey and his mother does the same so he is following in her footsteps. It’s not like we do something nice in the waiting time a cafe or something plus I never find stations relaxing environments . I don’t think your situation called for such sulking considering the circumstances . They are seated with company and were updated with warning and it was only 12mins.
I have a sister and a friend who are constantly late and that is taking liberties with other’s time they know it but carry on un remorseful and actually my sister got dumped for being late whilst dating more than once!
My friend who is at times over an hour late even made me late by staying in the bathroom at mine for ages when I needed to lock up and leave to pick up a boy from school can u imagine it was the only time I was ever late collecting him and he was in tears and dressed as James Bond . That for me was the worst form of late by proxy and actually I never respected her friendship again.
I don’t know why your parents were being so uptight but they need to be more rational and I say that as someone who understands timekeeping needs to be respected

roseretrox · 31/12/2022 06:01

From my experience with my own parents, the older they get, the less of a life they have. They start fixating on the small things like this, ie being over sensitive and holding grudges over pointless things that they wouldn’t care about before & hyper analyse.

Being 12 minutes late to dinner is not serious - that could even be a result of leaving your house early yet facing awful traffic. It isn’t something they needed to lecture you about over dinner. It wasn’t malicious on your part.

I would be frank and say when they treat you like this, you lose the desire to spend time with them. You apologised for being late, these things happen, it’s not reasonable for them to behave like this in response.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 31/12/2022 08:11

They need to chill out and relax, cannot understand how someone gets so angry if someone is a few minutes late as not the end of the world. Could they not have a coffee and relax. Had the same thing with a family member and they went mental shouting and going crazy at me in the car and I just said stop the car and got out and did ring her the next day and think she was surprised but I just said to her did you go mental at your friend who you told me was an hour late for a walk one time and no way did they act like that. We did laugh about it later together. What is it with some family members who think they can rant and rave, yes explain they are angry etc but going crazy just over reaction. Yes I got the 'you think your time is more important than mine' which is bullcrap. Some people are just highly strung and anal about time and some are just too relaxed ha!! How did the rest of the meal go or did they still have faces like thunder.

Kanaloa · 31/12/2022 08:14

DietrichandDiMaggio · 31/12/2022 00:26

I mean, do you manage to be at your place of work on time? Do you manage to get your children to school on time? Do you arrive at doctor’s appointments on time? If you manage those then you already know how others manage to attend other appointments and arrangements on time. They use the same skill set that you use to arrive to important things on time, but they simply treat every arrangement they make with other people as important.

Most of these rely on you deliberately being early, in order to ensure you are there ahead of time and often involve hanging around until the designated time. What's the point of agreeing to meet at 12 if you both have to aim to arrive at 11.45, just in case of traffic or whatever?
Meeting family or friends is not the same as a professional appointment. In any case, how often do we arrive early for hospital appointments etc. and still are kept waiting after the specified time - do you get arsey with the person you have the appointment with, or accept that sometimes circumstances mean people are running a bit late?

You asked how people manage to be on time to meet friends and family. They manage in the same way you manage to arrive on time for work or school.

sumayyah · 31/12/2022 08:15

I was brought up with "if your not 15 minutes early then you're already late" and even I wouldn't be fussed by you being 12 minutes late after messaging to say so
I've had meet ups where when I've messaged to say I've arrived the other person has answered with "ok I'll set off now"
They then arrived 45 minutes late and I made less fuss than your parents, just made a mental note not to make plans with that friend again

Juleslovesmaths · 31/12/2022 08:16

However as people get older they seem to lose the ability to wait. My mum stresses if a cafe takes 10 minutes to bring out her food - you are not being unreasonable but maybe need to understand her point of view

Kanaloa · 31/12/2022 08:18

ZiriForEver · 31/12/2022 00:44

I come to the work and start working, they pay me for the work I do, not for starting at a very specific time.

My arrival time at school fluctuated around the correct time, sometimes I was slightly late.

Doctor appointments are very rare and I was aiming for ridiculously early , but after my dentist came late several times, I got more relaxed.

I don't expect my friends to start ridiculously early just to be sure they can't possibly be late. It doesn't make any sense and would lead to lots of waiting.
When meeting at someone's home we often agree on "will come between X-Y", or "not earlier than X" and "will confirm more precise time when we are on our way".
In case of restaurant coming early is just a martyrdom, as the table doesn't have to be free before the reservation time and the restaurant will keep the reservation for about half an hour after the agreed time.

Show quote history

Okay, so you don’t prioritise being on time to school/medical appointments etc either, and think it’s ok to arrive 30 mins late to a restaurant. So obviously you have unusual ideas about time keeping.

The poster asked how anyone managed to ever be on time to meet friends and family. I responded that since the majority of people can arrive on time to work, school, doctor appointments etc, they do in fact have the skill set to arrive on time places. They use that same skill set to arrive on time to meet friends and family.

Bleachmycloths · 31/12/2022 08:18

We are friends with a couple who we often meet for lunch. If a table is booked for, say 1pm, we’ll get a text at 12.45 saying “We are here. Where ARE you?”

We have started getting there earlier and earlier but they are ALWAYS there already.
We just laugh about it now.
I would have wanted to leave but it’s hard to disappoint children.

DietrichandDiMaggio · 31/12/2022 08:41

You asked how people manage to be on time to meet friends and family. They manage in the same way you manage to arrive on time for work or school.

I asked how they ensured they were exactly on time, not early or by a certain time, but on the dot.

DietrichandDiMaggio · 31/12/2022 08:42

DietrichandDiMaggio · 31/12/2022 00:01

How do those of you who find it rude, selfish etc. to be 12 minutes late always manage to be exactly on time? Not 10-15 minutes early, but arrive at your destination at precisely the arranged time, because you are obviously so superior that you manage to always time it so that you arrive at exactly the arranged time, whatever the circumstances.

See my original post.

Allergictoironing · 31/12/2022 08:43

Juleslovesmaths · 31/12/2022 08:16

However as people get older they seem to lose the ability to wait. My mum stresses if a cafe takes 10 minutes to bring out her food - you are not being unreasonable but maybe need to understand her point of view

Generalising about age again (sigh).

I have MORE patience now in my 60's than I had in my 30's or 40's, probably because I've realised that being annoyed by such things isn't worth the stress. I don't remember the OP saying how old her parents are, but IF we assume they are retired then they too should be less stressed about time as they have more available.

horriblechristmas2022 · 31/12/2022 08:45

@jollyroll

It sounds nothing like dementia at all, just a case of people becoming more impatient when they are older

I would be very wary about making such sweeping statements not based on fact

whiteroseredrose · 31/12/2022 08:46

YANBU. They have the luxury of only getting themselves ready. They have forgotten what it is like to get a family ready.

Plus I've noticed that when I've booked restaurants recently they give you 15 minutes leeway. So even the restaurant wouldn't have been bothered

ZiriForEver · 31/12/2022 09:04

Kanaloa · 31/12/2022 08:18

Okay, so you don’t prioritise being on time to school/medical appointments etc either, and think it’s ok to arrive 30 mins late to a restaurant. So obviously you have unusual ideas about time keeping.

The poster asked how anyone managed to ever be on time to meet friends and family. I responded that since the majority of people can arrive on time to work, school, doctor appointments etc, they do in fact have the skill set to arrive on time places. They use that same skill set to arrive on time to meet friends and family.

Show quote history

I don't say it is a great idea to plan to come 30 minutes late for the restaurant. There is an expectation that the guest will come within some time window, and the time of reservation starts that window, not ends. Coming early doesn't do the restaurant any favour, the table doesn't have to be ready.

I don't advocate being always late. I'm saying that being always on time practically means being very very early majority of the time. Institutions are often equipped for that with waiting areas, but visiting friend's home isn't. Coming early to someone's home is rude, so it sounds you suggest spending a lots of time waiting around the corner.

SpicyFoodRocks · 31/12/2022 09:20

I am an early person and hate lateness. But even my my standards this is OTT behaviour. Your parents ruined a nice lunch with their family for nothing.

Did you apologise when you arrived or get instantly defensive when you saw they were annoyed? Perhaps a genuine effusive sorry could have helped, even though they were being ridiculous.

We need to stop making this about age though. My parents, if I texted them would tell me not to rush and they were absolutely fine to wait. They would understand that I had far more to juggle than them.

I expect there is much more background to your relationship than you are letting on here though.

SpicyFoodRocks · 31/12/2022 09:23

*My Dad looked furious. My DM was looking at her phone with a face like thunder.

My DM said "Oh you're finally here! You're late!" I said "10 minutes late! We're here now."*

I suspect if you had arrived and been more apologetic and swallowed your irritation, you could have defused the situation. Your comment as you entered was defensive and dismissive rather than contrite and it fanned the flames of their (OTT) irritation. Perhaps you could handle it differently next time if they won’t change their behaviour. Or be on time ;-)

Nicola101177 · 31/12/2022 09:40

They should be grateful they have family who want to spend time with them, and can afford to eat out. Some people need a reality check when it comes to their attitudes. Just don’t ever go out with them again.

PicturesOfDogs · 31/12/2022 09:51

ZiriForEver · 31/12/2022 09:04

I don't say it is a great idea to plan to come 30 minutes late for the restaurant. There is an expectation that the guest will come within some time window, and the time of reservation starts that window, not ends. Coming early doesn't do the restaurant any favour, the table doesn't have to be ready.

I don't advocate being always late. I'm saying that being always on time practically means being very very early majority of the time. Institutions are often equipped for that with waiting areas, but visiting friend's home isn't. Coming early to someone's home is rude, so it sounds you suggest spending a lots of time waiting around the corner.

Show quote history

Agree with how rude it is to turn up to someone’s house early.
Hate when people do this, turn up early and are just sitting around while I’ve still got stuff to do.
Or commenting on why things aren’t ready yet.
Well, because you’re not supposed to be here yet!

In this case, unless it’s something that happens consistently, I don’t see how anyone could get upset over 12 minutes, it’s just such a non event, I genuinely don’t even think 12 minutes would register to me if I was alone, let alone if I was with someone else.
I’d do what I’ve done before in this scenario, text the person asking what they want and get some drinks in.

Swipe left for the next trending thread