To still have not forgiven my dad for leaving us?

[buildingourdreams]

I am 25 now and have 2 dc of my own. When I was only 10 my dad suddenly left us, me and mum had our suspicions that it was this younger girl he worked with although he denied it. He moved in with friends into a house share, (I mean who leaves their family for a house share in their 30's, tragic.) Mum wanted him back, we all did. so after a few months he did agree to come back at one point but it was obvious to everyone he did not want to be there and this only lasted a few weeks until he upped and left again. This time for good. Weeks after, he finally admitted to Mum he had a girlfriend and low and behold it was this younger girl who we are pretty sure he would have been seeing the whole time. After this I used to see him most weekends for about a year but eventually I told him he would have to choose between having me in his life or his girlfriend, he chose his girlfriend. So I refused to see him anymore. They were engaged in about a year at the most then had a new daughter only 2 years after he left us (I mean wtf who even does that), and got married shortly after. Mum said it was literally as soon as their divorce came through, disgusting.

My "dad" is still married to OW and has two girls one is 13 and one is 8. and also OWs son who is now 16 so what a nice happy family. I used to look at their social media all the time, OW's and the older kids. But now I have them all blocked as it makes me too angry. He used to pay child support until I started work and emails me every so often, and sends me money for my DC birthdays and my birthday and Christmas. I did tell him when I was pregnant and when my LOs were born and I sometimes ask him for money (😳 ) but I don't want anything else off him.

DH thinks I should at least talk to him as I never got his side of things, he had similar with his dad and after a difficult few years reconciled a few years ago, now they are best mates. But his dad did not betray his family by having a brand new set of kids, he is with the same lady but never married. I just think too much water has gone under the bridge though and especially now I am a mum I will never understand how anyone could leave their own kids. But what if I regret it one day?

I'm completely with you OP. My DF married many times in pursuit of his own happiness. He'd just get bored and was wealthy enough to keep getting divorced. My DB and I were the last lot of children though, so whilst he left my DM and went on to remarry, there were no more children. I do see him from time to time. He's very very old and single now. I'm pleasant enough towards him, but I don't love him. I won't be sad when he dies and yes I gladly take handouts from him. It's the least he can do.

Surely you can see how different that is from the OP’s situation? You actually see your dad for a start

To get exactly the response from you she did get - you fully supporting her and cutting off your father.

From the fact you have gone on to say he kept struggling to stay in touch with you and still does so today (since it seems taking money from him is the only contact you will permit), I suspect the loss of contact causes him significant pain.

Your mother has achieved the revenge she wanted and all she needed to do was be a terrible parent and leave her daughter with a level of bitterness and pain that resonates from your posts even 15 years later.

I really think you need therapy. Your wholesale belief in your mother as you describe awful behaviour by her needs a trained outside observer to help you unpick your life.

I am not saying your father is a saint but your mother as you have described her seems to be deeply unpleasant and manipulative and not someone I would want to be married to. Your mother says he left for another woman. Maybe he did or maybe he just wanted to get away from someone who behaves like your mother.

Excellent post @Talia99 i agree with every word.

OP I really hope you can find a way to move on and reconcile and build good relationships before it’s too late. I agree with PP that therapy would be a good start but please try and keep an open mind regarding your mum and perhaps think about what would motivate her to involve her 10yo child so deeply in her marriage breakdown and be so critical of her ex. At 10 years old, you should not have had suspicions of an affair from your dad. You were somehow exposed to that information, presumably by your mum, no wonder you feel damaged!

Good luck OP

Also, your DH thinks you should talk to your Dad. Out of interest, how does he get on with your mother? I wonder if he doesn’t see her with the rose coloured glasses you do.

Lots of possible reasons.

She wanted to paint herself as perfect, rather than admit that she played a role in causing the breakup. Either conciously or subconsciously.

Or she wanted to win your loyalty (and maybe other people's too) by making herself seem 100% the wronged party.

Or she was happy but she was ignoring the fact that he wasn't; maybe she was dismissing or ignoring him when he tried to raise disagreements. Maybe she's someone who feels entitled to be supported by others and can't communicate with them to make a fair share of responsibilities.

Or she was furious and embarrassed and rewrote history in her anger.

Or she was someone routinely dismissed and didn't care about his feelings.

Or they truly were both happy up until this happened out the blue.

You will probably never get the whole truth, as it is very hard to see inside someone else's relationship. But you could be much more confident about the truth if you listened to to both sides, applied some critical thinking to what both parents say, and then work out what seems most likely to you (a therapist could help talk through this part if you wanted an unbiased ear).

(This was in reply to your post "why would she lie?")

I can feel your deep hurt and anger here. But this makes no sense as logical adult thoughts. This is the hurt and anger of a devastated child who is parroting the bitter opinions of her mother.

He can't win in your eyes. He tried to stay in touch. But you (or your mother?) expressed that you didn't want that. You refused contact but you are hurt because he respected that decision and didn't use the legal system to force you to visit him against your own wishes?

You (or your mother?) are furious he invited you to his wedding. But surely it would be wrong for a father not to invite his own daughter to his wedding. He wanted to reach out and include you in his life. Would you not be equally hurt if he hadn't invited you to his wedding?

Your father chose no longer to be in a relationship with your mother and hence not live in the family home.

But this isn't the hurt and anger of a child who has to adapt to two homes. This is the hurt of a child who has been taught by her mother that her father betrayed "us", chose to abandon "us", and may have had an affair (how can a 10 year old process the feelings of confusion and grubbiness about potential infidelity - kids barely understand sex at that age - whatever adult told you about that was completely wrong to do so). I believe that your father chose to split with your mother but did not want to abandon you, and this very sad outcome has at least partly been caused by the way your mother influenced your beliefs.

You do not have to have contact with your father, or anyone, if you don't wish to. But if you don't want a relationship with him it is not fair to take his money, unless it is specifically to pay for therapy.

Am I missing something? SO you are the '2nd family' of your Mum, yet you accept your brothers and presumably they accept you. You are the equivalent of your Dad's kids to your brothers. Your brother had to go through some version of your anguish twice then...

You might find it interesting to have a Google about "emotional parentification". This is when an adult looks to their own child for emotional support, and the child ends up dealing with problems far above their age, when they should be the one receiving emotional support. It can feel very "grown up" as a child to be privy to adult information, and obviously you naturally want to help your parent if they are upset, but unfortunately it's really harmful for parents to involve their kid in adult arguments

Nope, you’ve got it. It was ok for her mum to leave and start another family, but it was a betrayal when her father did the same.

Mum is now on to another partner and that’s also fine.

@LydiaBennetsUglyBonnetHarsh to refer to an 'inappropriate ultimatum'. OP was 10 at time! She was in primary school. Her adult dad walked out and started a family soon after without checking she was ok (she is clearly not ok because it was poorly handled) It's unfair to imply she did anything wrong!

You still sound like you are 10 years old. Your dad left your mum, not you. However if anyone is at fault in this whole sorry situation it’s your mum who has over shared information, manipulated you and used emotional blackmail which has resulted in your bitterness towards your father.
Life is too short for all this nastiness! Be a role model for your own children and demonstrate forgiveness and start a healthy relationship with your dad, his wife and their children (your siblings). If this isn’t an option for you stop taking his money, it’s grabby and rude!!

So your dad has been in a happy relationship for 15 years that stable and has always provided for you?

And yet you'd have preferred he stayed with your family in that family home and be unhappy?

What benefit would that have been for anyone? You'd have likely had a more miserable experience than the one you decided to inflict on yourself and you dad.

Also I do not for the life of me understand why you think you mum taking your brothers from their dad is any different from your dad removing himself from the family home.

Your mum took your brothers from their dad.

Would you have felt it ok if when your dad left he took you? Because that would be the exact same situation.

I honestly think you should get some therapy and explore your issues around this.

that is a ridiculous attitude. You really think that 2 unhappy people should waste years of their life resenting/hating the person they are forced to live with because you think children's rights trump all?
Would your attitude change if one party was so unhappy they became suicidal/began having affairs/ was absent?
Life is not straightforward.
God help anyone in your family who is unhappily married

I agree with everyone who says you've got your mum on a pedestal and don't see how her actions have caused a lot of this hurt and damage.

Your poor dad. He left your mum - not you. He paid for you, he tried to see you and include you in his life, and because of your mum's words, all you've done is shove him away and decide he's a shit father.

He doesn't sound shit to me at all. I think you should talk to him and hear his side. I think you'll be surprised.

I can’t believe this thread is real. Adults fall in love with other people, your dad tried to stay in contact with you. Not surprising he went on to have a new family given your mum seems not to have insisted you still saw him. And yet you take money from him. Unbelievable.

So this man has been with the 'OW' for longer than he was with your mum. Clearly the grass was greener
You take money off him yet don't want contact or to forgive him
Re-read your post. You sound as if you are still 10, not 25

I think you should seek out some cousbelling to help you unpick all this and as part of that you may decide you’d like to see your dad.it sounds like he tried to remain in your life to the level you would allow him to
Ive had some big forgiving to do with my parents and what helped me was realising that they were just flawed human beings making mistakes. Them messing up didn’t mean they didn’t love me.

Whatever you decided you need to stop asking him for money.

I agree that this story is an excellent example of the damage a parent can do by forcing their child to choose sides when their relationship fails.

Your mum has caused you terrible damage @jesseastmids. It would be worth seeing a counsellor about this.

My 16yo daughter is struggling at the moment and trying to process her dad leaving the family. She was about five when he left, initially they didn’t notice too much as he visited several times a week and helped out even with having a bee girlfriend. More recently he split with that woman and met a new one and since then has been far more absent in their lives. He has moved away from the area and has step children living in the home.

My daughter often refers to them as his ‘new family’ and that he’s their dad now and she hasn’t got one. It’s hard trying to approach it sensitivity so that feeling doesn’t set hold and cause longer term damage for her in years to come.