To still have not forgiven my dad for leaving us?

[buildingourdreams]

I am 25 now and have 2 dc of my own. When I was only 10 my dad suddenly left us, me and mum had our suspicions that it was this younger girl he worked with although he denied it. He moved in with friends into a house share, (I mean who leaves their family for a house share in their 30's, tragic.) Mum wanted him back, we all did. so after a few months he did agree to come back at one point but it was obvious to everyone he did not want to be there and this only lasted a few weeks until he upped and left again. This time for good. Weeks after, he finally admitted to Mum he had a girlfriend and low and behold it was this younger girl who we are pretty sure he would have been seeing the whole time. After this I used to see him most weekends for about a year but eventually I told him he would have to choose between having me in his life or his girlfriend, he chose his girlfriend. So I refused to see him anymore. They were engaged in about a year at the most then had a new daughter only 2 years after he left us (I mean wtf who even does that), and got married shortly after. Mum said it was literally as soon as their divorce came through, disgusting.

My "dad" is still married to OW and has two girls one is 13 and one is 8. and also OWs son who is now 16 so what a nice happy family. I used to look at their social media all the time, OW's and the older kids. But now I have them all blocked as it makes me too angry. He used to pay child support until I started work and emails me every so often, and sends me money for my DC birthdays and my birthday and Christmas. I did tell him when I was pregnant and when my LOs were born and I sometimes ask him for money (😳 ) but I don't want anything else off him.

DH thinks I should at least talk to him as I never got his side of things, he had similar with his dad and after a difficult few years reconciled a few years ago, now they are best mates. But his dad did not betray his family by having a brand new set of kids, he is with the same lady but never married. I just think too much water has gone under the bridge though and especially now I am a mum I will never understand how anyone could leave their own kids. But what if I regret it one day?

I agree. The amount of people I have known who hate going to their parents house as adults because of the tension and eggshells because their parents essentially hate each other.

Unhappy households full of tension and bickering can be just as damaging to kids growing up.

Op your parents probably weren't happy in the end because happily married people don't just leave. Even if they do have an affair, there's usually regret and they try to work at the marriage because they realise they made a big mistake as they were actually happy.

The fact he has been with his new wife for years and has a family with her doesn't sound like it was a quick "grass is greener" situation with a younger woman whilst he was actually happy at home. It sounds like the marriage was dead, he left and moved on with someone else whilst maintaining a relationship with his child. You chose to cut contact 🤷🏼‍♀️

You also need to decide if you're in or out. "In" meaning, trying to listen to his side, get some counselling, and try to heal wounds. "Out" meaning, you cut all ties and don't except money for birthday and Christmas and certainly not ask him for money, i can't even believe you do that as that's a mega piss take.

This man left your mum, people break up everyday. Since then he saw you every weekend until you cut contact after giving a ridiculous ultimatum, he's paid maintenance which a lot of fathers don't, he emails you, again a lot men would have just given up, and he sends you and your dc money on birthdays and Christmas's plus gives you money when you ask!

Your op comes across as bratty tbh. Since when do children have the gall to give adults ultimatums ffs, cut them off then still ask for money!

@jesseastmids Can I ask whether your father made attempts to stay in touch with you, see you when you gave him the ultimatum asking he choose between you and the OW? Or did he simply cut off, barring the money and odd emails?

I'm with you. He sounds scummy. If a mother behaved like this, there'd be plenty of judgement directed at her.

OP, gently, I’d look at some therapy.

Your Dad leaving must have hurt, I’m sorry. But wtf is this “we” thought he was seeing a younger woman etc? Your DM having those conversations with you is emotionally abusive and parental alienation, which is now a crime.
neither of your parents come off well here. Exploring it all with a professional therapist might help you get it clearer in your mind and decide how to move forward.

Stop taking money from him though. You’re 25 and a Mum.

I don't blame you for giving him an ultimatum. You were just a young kid trying to take back a little power after your dad abruptly walked out on you all. I really feel for you.

He also should have chosen you over his partner. If my kids gave me an ultimatum, I wouldn't hesitate to choose them.

He should have made you feel loved and comfortable before starting something else. Having another family so soon after leaving the first is horrible and no wonder you felt abandoned. I wouldn't judge you for accepting his money either. You were the kid and he was meant to be the adult.

People should not stay in an unhappy marriage. It's incredibly damaging to both parties and awful for the children, as I've said, I was that child. I too ended up in a dreadful marriage because I'd no idea what a happy marriage looked like, or how two people should actually treat each other with liove. Same scenario for my now DH who also ended up in a miserable marriage. Thank god we both got divorced and then met each other. My step children have said they are glad things turned out this way. They see a happay stable marriage, not endless bloody misery.

A friend of mine was persuaded to stay with her H 'for the children'. She was so so sad. There wasn't even any rowing, just the misery of a life half lived. And anti depressants. Her children grew up with that as a model for marriage.

I'm surprised at the result of the poll.

I think YANBU, its understandable to have some feeling of betrayal and abandonment.

Why?

Her father split up from her mother not her.

And any child who tells an adult who they can have as a partner is a brat.

Later on the OP then drip feeds her mother did a similar thing to meet her own dad, which is why she had older brothers.

Unless there is abuse

I mean this in the kindest possible way OP. Your mum hasn’t done you any favours. You should seek support. I don’t think your dad acted very well at the time either 💐

But his dad did not betray his family by having a brand new set of kids, he is with the same lady but never married

Why do you feel like this makes it so different? Do you feel replaced? He had a right to leave a marriage of it was unhappy, and it seems like it’s lasted.

It’s not right to end it messily, but ending marriages in itself isn’t wrong.

It is so difficult for children whose parents has left to not feel they have been abandoned. Although it's, no, I left your mum or dad not you, the kids don't see the difference. My eldest son was 20 when his dad left, (an affair, married her within weeks of divorce), and he has refused to see him since - 30 years. When my son had his children, 20 years ago, I again broached the subject, but he's implacable about it. It's the moral issue with him. It's the children's choice to have contact or not, and parents have to accept this. But asking for money?

Why would she lie?

• Your mum has really let you down.

I'm saying this as someone whose parents split up and dad went on to have more children.*

@Reugny Why do you say this? ^

You feel profoundly abandoned and rejected by your father.

You need to resolve this, for your own sake. I know people who have gone to their graves holding onto bitterness and resentment about abandonment (in one case, for having gone to war and not lived it out). It can eat you up, it can colour your relationships with children/ partners/ friends.

Sadly, some people get handed a shitty hand in life by being born to people who aren’t….great. You may be one of them. It’s done now. The damage is there. Don’t spend your life picking it over like a vulture. Resolve it and move on.

because she’s scared of losing you? That you will react to your behaviour the same way you have done to your dad and not want to see her? Fear of looking less than perfect?

lots of reasons. She wants to keep you close. If telling the truth might drive you away she isn’t going to do that is she?

look at what you did to your dad. You could just as easily have gone to live with your dad and refused to see her if you disapproved of her behaviour in the same way.

Yes he did but I ignored him mostly and also my mum told him to back off and leave me alone. He could have then taken mum to court couldn't he? How ever, as he didn't do this; clearly did not want to see me that much.

He even invited me to his wedding to OW despite the fact I had stopped seeing him 2 years prior I mean wtf (Obvs I did not go! And my mum gave him a piece of her mind for that as well.)

So he should have put you all through a court case to force you to see him, when the likely outcome was you and your mum would refuse anyway. What was he supposed to do, drag you kicking and screaming because a court said he had access?

how do you know he didn’t seek legal advice and was advised against persuing access when you were old enough to make the decision, and even if granted no one could force you to go.

he invited you to the wedding, he kept the doors open and you threw it all back. Your mum giving him “a piece of her mind” for daring to invite you to his wedding. I bet he’d have got the same if he hadn’t.

you also have no proof she’s the OW, that’s just your mums/yours suspicion.

you need to grow up and sort these toxic relationships out. You’ve blindly believed your mum, I do think you need to hear your dad’s side from him, I bet it’s very different to your mums.

Your posts are sounding more and more irrational.

From the heartbreak of a child whose father has left the family home, to anger that your father tried to keep contact with you and involve you in his life and continues to do so, but you reject him.

You not being able to see how much of a burden your mum has put on you does seem to come from a hurt 10 year old.

Was there anything restorative in having a step-dad ( sounds like your mum got together with him when you were 15 or so).

If your dad could only have considered taking your mum to court if she was refusing to let you see him etc a court wouldn't and couldn't insist that an older child has to see their dad.

Your dad left your mother not you, and as your mum had already split up with one husband she should have been able to explain this to you.

If your dad had left you he wouldn't have paid child maintenance for you and bothered to see you regularly until you gave him your inappropriate ultimatum. He also wouldn't be in contact with you now.

I doubt he's in contact with your mother as he left her.

My mum was actually widowed before she married my dad. However when they split up she was capable of knowing the difference between the relationships between a child and their parent, between parents themselves and between siblings. She also showed us this. Your mum was clearly unable to show you this otherwise you wouldn't have posted this thread.

He even invited me to his wedding to OW despite the fact I had stopped seeing him 2 years prior I mean wtf Blush (Obvs I did not go! And my mum gave him a piece of her mind for that as well.)

It was not your mother's place to give him a piece of her mind about that invite.

Your mother has really emotionally screwed you up.

My own mother made some claims about stuff my father apparently said but back tracked when myself and one sister challenged her. The funny thing is that there were things we found out from other relatives she could have legitimately said to us but didn't because they were none of her children's business.

This, OP, is the crux of the issue.

You put your mum on a pedestal and can’t see that actually she was clearly very manipulative and over shared with you as a child. Have you ever once asked your dad if he was happy in the marriage? I hope in time you come to realise that your mum has been a factor in manipulating you. A child doesn’t dish out a ridiculous ultimatum unless someone has put them up to it.

Yes he did but I ignored him mostly and also my mum told him to back off and leave me alone. He could have then taken mum to court couldn't he? How ever, as he didn't do this; clearly did not want to see me that much.

Hang on - you tell him to choose and then expect him to fight for you? Maybe he was respecting your wishes?

I don’t know you OP but it’s so clear from your posts that your mother has a hold over how you see your dad and it’s a shame because you have little sisters you’re missing out on. Those are your children’s aunties. You are depriving them of a relationship because you’ve been told to be angry about someone else’s marriage

It also feels like you want to have your cake and eat it too.

You have him an ultimatum. He didn’t choose you so you chose not to see him. You’re annoyed he didn’t fight through the legal system - but you’re also affronted at being invited to his wedding. You accept money off him but your kids have never met their grandad.

You can’t have it both ways.

Wouldnt it just be better if all this angst was forgotten and everyone had a relationship instead? Your kids won’t thank you for never knowing their grandad.

My OH’s dad is still with OW 30 years after he split with MIL. It has never once occurred to anyone to do anything other than mind our own business and get over it. Last person who cares is MIL and the dynamic is such that it would be weird if anybody was still cross about it all. DH was 10 when they split and said he was so relieved even at that age because of all the misery and arguing.