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Original poster

To still have not forgiven my dad for leaving us?

577 replies

buildingourdreams · 29/12/2022 17:08

I am 25 now and have 2 dc of my own. When I was only 10 my dad suddenly left us, me and mum had our suspicions that it was this younger girl he worked with although he denied it. He moved in with friends into a house share, (I mean who leaves their family for a house share in their 30's, tragic.) Mum wanted him back, we all did. so after a few months he did agree to come back at one point but it was obvious to everyone he did not want to be there and this only lasted a few weeks until he upped and left again. This time for good. Weeks after, he finally admitted to Mum he had a girlfriend and low and behold it was this younger girl who we are pretty sure he would have been seeing the whole time. After this I used to see him most weekends for about a year but eventually I told him he would have to choose between having me in his life or his girlfriend, he chose his girlfriend. So I refused to see him anymore. They were engaged in about a year at the most then had a new daughter only 2 years after he left us (I mean wtf who even does that), and got married shortly after. Mum said it was literally as soon as their divorce came through, disgusting.

My "dad" is still married to OW and has two girls one is 13 and one is 8. and also OWs son who is now 16 so what a nice happy family. I used to look at their social media all the time, OW's and the older kids. But now I have them all blocked as it makes me too angry. He used to pay child support until I started work and emails me every so often, and sends me money for my DC birthdays and my birthday and Christmas. I did tell him when I was pregnant and when my LOs were born and I sometimes ask him for money (😳 ) but I don't want anything else off him.

DH thinks I should at least talk to him as I never got his side of things, he had similar with his dad and after a difficult few years reconciled a few years ago, now they are best mates. But his dad did not betray his family by having a brand new set of kids, he is with the same lady but never married. I just think too much water has gone under the bridge though and especially now I am a mum I will never understand how anyone could leave their own kids. But what if I regret it one day?

OP posts:
PopGoesTheProsecco · 29/12/2022 21:02

Reugny · 29/12/2022 20:46

Think of the children 🙄

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Completely agree. Fake it until you can make it.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 29/12/2022 21:05

Talia99 · 29/12/2022 21:01

I agree, although I do wonder in this case who was doing the manipulating - the OP or the OP’s mother in the background.

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Well I don’t think 20yo children have the capacity to manipulate with a full understanding of the consequences of what they’re doing, all on their own with no outside influence.

Im amazed OP has no self reflection on this 15 years and 2 DV of her own later.

TunaSpaghettiSub · 29/12/2022 21:05

You say 'we thought he was seeing this girl'

Who is we? You and your mum? Because at 10yo unless your mum has been feeding you this info you wouldn't have a clue. I think your dad has done a lot wrong but coming from someone else who patents split and I sided with mum for years and didn't see my dad, now I'm older (nearly 40) I realise she sowed all these negative thoughts about my dad and they grew and grew and we bitched about him together. He's not perfect but neither is she.
You don't have to see him but as pp suggested, therapy may be wise for your own well being as you seem to carry a lot of anger and it will only hurt you more x

somethingslastforever · 29/12/2022 21:06

Tbh you sound like a twat. Don't want anything to do with you dad and no you can't see your grandkids but yeah I'll take your money and gifts.

Notanotherusername4321 · 29/12/2022 21:10

Delphinium20 · 29/12/2022 20:48

I'm blaming OP's dad for doing the snagging. Of course, if the mom left, she'd be keeping the kids. It's the shagger who is the problem here.

If mum’s the shagger though, it’s still dad who leaves.

and then mum also controls the narrative- dads the one who left, no need to mention the shagging.

Usually mums affairs are kept quiet- yet if dad shags, kids are told immediately.

I have two friends whose mums had the affair- one kept quiet as didn’t want to ruin mums relationship with kids- but kids now believe he chose to leave them and his relationship is ruined.
the other dad told the kids. Mum denied, dad relationship ruined for “lying” about mum when he was the one who left.

GeraldtheHerald · 29/12/2022 21:11

Dacadactyl · 29/12/2022 17:20

My parents have been married for 40 years. I would never forgive one of them for having left the other while i was growing up and breaking up the family. They are the adult and barring abuse, i think a childs right to a stable home trumps an adults right to "find their one true love". And then going on to have a new family with someone else? Nope. I'm with you OP.

Nobody should stay in a miserable relationship. My parents stayed together, probably for my sake and for the sake of appearances. It was a miserable marriage for them and a horrible way for me to grow up. It's never never as simple as you suggest.

GeraldtheHerald · 29/12/2022 21:17

Delphinium20 · 29/12/2022 20:39

Unless it's abuse or addiction, I agree.

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Have you lived with 2 parents who dont love each other? Do you have experience of how it feels to grow up in a home like that day in, day out? I have. It's miserable and very emotionally damaging.

gogohmm · 29/12/2022 21:20

Sorry but whilst I know you were young, you shouldn't have asked him to choose. And you certainly shouldn't be asking him for money as an adult, it's distasteful even if you had a relationship, without it's very manipulative. Either start to rebuild your relationship with him (start by hearing his side of the story) or stop taking his money

Fifthtimelucky · 29/12/2022 21:20

My parents divorced in my teens. My father left.

The situation was different from the OP's because there was no other woman involved and my father applied for custody. As far as my siblings and I were concerned, that felt better. We didn't feel abandoned, because we knew he wanted us, and we didn't feel resentful against another woman.

I only realised much later that from my mother's point of view the things that made us feel better made her feel worse. She said that she could have understood being left for a younger prettier woman. But being left for no-one felt much more like a personal rejection. And of course his application for custody thinmThere was no other woman involved. As children, we

Fifthtimelucky · 29/12/2022 21:20

Sorry. Posted too soon

aSofaNearYou · 29/12/2022 21:22

Maybe they were happy until OW came along? They had been together 11 years, its easy for a head to be turned by a younger, newer person, I may be only 25 but I am not naive, I know this can and does happen. Mum said they were happy sooooo

And maybe, more likely, they weren't. Her being happy does not mean he was happy, .

Fifthtimelucky · 29/12/2022 21:25

My parents divorced in my teens. My father left.

The situation was different from the OP's because there was no other woman involved and my father applied for custody. As far as my siblings and I were concerned, that felt better. We didn't feel abandoned, because we knew he wanted us, and we didn't feel resentful against another woman.

I only realised much later that from my mother's point of view the things that made us feel better made her feel worse. She said that she could have understood being left for a younger prettier woman. But being left for no-one felt much more like a personal rejection. And of course his application for custody was very upsetting for her.

The point I am trying to make is that obviously the OP and her mother felt rejected, but if her father had behaved differently, her mother might have found it even more difficult.

I agree with those who say that no one should be forced to stay in an unhappy marriage and that the OP has been very inconsistent to hold her parents to very different standards.

Jimboscott0115 · 29/12/2022 21:32

I agree with others OP in that you sound like you have some issues you need to work through and therapy may be of help.

Your dad was in the wrong, but ultimately he stuck with the other woman and sounds like he has been much happier since. That's shit for your mum admittedly but clearly it wasn't a marriage he wanted to be in which would have caused more issues for all of you in the long run.

However, It's hard to have too much sympathy with you as you're happy to take money off him while posting about what an awful man he is and lots of childish comments in your original post. As it stands, you're not acting in good faith asking him for money without even attempting a relationship with him and I think there's some growing up to be done.

The law of unintended consequrncesnis you chose not to have a relationship with him, but are now upset he has a seemingly happy life which you could have been a part of. That was your choice, but it seems you weren't emotionally ready for the fallout of it - and perhaps still aren't.

Notanotherusername4321 · 29/12/2022 21:40

I am 25 now and have 2 dc of my own. When I was only 10 my dad suddenly left us, me and mum had our suspicions that it was this younger girl he worked with although he denied it. He moved in with friends into a house share, (I mean who leaves their family for a house share in their 30's, tragic.)

there’s no evidence the dad had an affair, only mums and a 10 year old’s suspicion. The girlfriend was months after he’d moved out.

lots of men have to live in house shares after moving out. It’s often all they can afford while they’re still supporting their children in the family home. What should he have done, stopped paying the mortgage and child
support so he could afford a nice bachelor pad of his own? I am sure you/your mum would have been saying he should get a cheaper house share..

Whatthefuck3456 · 29/12/2022 21:51

Your dad left your mum for his reasons. You sound very childish. Your dad wanted to see you but you made him choose. Your dad can have as many kids as he wants and to whom he wants you sound very bitter and twisted to be honest. He paid maintenance, he wanted to see you still, he just left your mum! What’s the issue. Life moves on, people fall out of love, remarry etc it’s life! I hope you don’t leave your partner and your kids treat you the same.

WGACA · 29/12/2022 21:55

I’ve been through very similar to you and still struggle to come to terms with it all of these years later. My father is not the person I thought he was and my family life isn’t the way I hoped it would be.

Volhhg · 29/12/2022 21:57

YANBU. Ultimately your dad put his himself before his children's and chose a path of life that was detrimental to you. He's been a cunt to you and don't let all these strangers on here normalise it. You can do whatever you want with him. Be his friend. Not be his friend and take his money. It doesn't matter. If you want to forgive him to make yourself feel good then go for it. If you don't that's fine too

Notanotherusername4321 · 29/12/2022 22:01

YANBU. Ultimately your dad put his himself before his children's and chose a path of life that was detrimental to you

you could say the same about her mum. She chose to have further children with a new partner, why is that not equally as detrimental to her existing children?

HRTQueen · 29/12/2022 22:01

You don’t have to forgive him or understand why

but that is for you to feel comfortable with and accept that’s how you feel

forgiveness and closure are feelings that people search for and hope one day to feel many get so caught up in this that they ignore their hurt and anger and that fine to have these feelings it doesn’t have to be all consuming and you don’t have to forgive/have closure to be happy

CovertImage · 29/12/2022 22:25

He's a shit parent. YANBU AT all. Take him for whatever you want and do not feel bad about it.

Jesus, I really hope that people who think like this get what they deserve at some point

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 29/12/2022 22:26

I wonder what all these posters calling OP’s dad a shit parent and encouraging her to take and not give, will think and feel when their own DC stop seeing them as the be all and end all and are critical when they are less than perfect.

2catsandhappy · 29/12/2022 22:29

I had to go back to what was your original question.
Yes you could regret it one day.
There are no time machines, resets or do overs. Just people falling in love and out of love at different times.

Stop asking him for money. That is just grim.

radrado · 29/12/2022 22:31

I think this is so sad. I really feel for you OP but this bitterness will eat you up.

If you could try to forgive him you will feel so much better.

HoHoHowMuch · 29/12/2022 22:35

It doesn't sound like he abandoned you at all. He left an unhappy marriage, came back to try and make it work and didn't manage it. He then left and has remained committed to the same person for many years, not been serially shagging around. He saw you very regularly and only stopped when you as a child tried to break up his relationship. He continued to pay your child support despite you refusing to see him and left the door open for contact.

You say your mother said it was up to you if you saw him. I would have thought any supportive mother would have encouraged you to still see him. Also resentment that she had to get a job afeter he left. I am more surprised that she was still a stay at home mother when her youngest was 10, as most women would be doing at least part time work by then.

It sounds like you are deeply hurt and I do wonder if you started this thread to get non-family opinions about building some kind of relationship with him in future. The internet stalking etc shows you are probably more interested than you are letting yourself believe. Do consider some counselling to unpick what has happened and maybe consider contact in future.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 29/12/2022 22:39

Volhhg · 29/12/2022 21:57

YANBU. Ultimately your dad put his himself before his children's and chose a path of life that was detrimental to you. He's been a cunt to you and don't let all these strangers on here normalise it. You can do whatever you want with him. Be his friend. Not be his friend and take his money. It doesn't matter. If you want to forgive him to make yourself feel good then go for it. If you don't that's fine too

It's quite sad to see that some posters would be happy knowing one of their parents were really unhappy with their home life, simply so they didn't have a split home.