To still have not forgiven my dad for leaving us?

[buildingourdreams]

I am 25 now and have 2 dc of my own. When I was only 10 my dad suddenly left us, me and mum had our suspicions that it was this younger girl he worked with although he denied it. He moved in with friends into a house share, (I mean who leaves their family for a house share in their 30's, tragic.) Mum wanted him back, we all did. so after a few months he did agree to come back at one point but it was obvious to everyone he did not want to be there and this only lasted a few weeks until he upped and left again. This time for good. Weeks after, he finally admitted to Mum he had a girlfriend and low and behold it was this younger girl who we are pretty sure he would have been seeing the whole time. After this I used to see him most weekends for about a year but eventually I told him he would have to choose between having me in his life or his girlfriend, he chose his girlfriend. So I refused to see him anymore. They were engaged in about a year at the most then had a new daughter only 2 years after he left us (I mean wtf who even does that), and got married shortly after. Mum said it was literally as soon as their divorce came through, disgusting.

My "dad" is still married to OW and has two girls one is 13 and one is 8. and also OWs son who is now 16 so what a nice happy family. I used to look at their social media all the time, OW's and the older kids. But now I have them all blocked as it makes me too angry. He used to pay child support until I started work and emails me every so often, and sends me money for my DC birthdays and my birthday and Christmas. I did tell him when I was pregnant and when my LOs were born and I sometimes ask him for money (😳 ) but I don't want anything else off him.

DH thinks I should at least talk to him as I never got his side of things, he had similar with his dad and after a difficult few years reconciled a few years ago, now they are best mates. But his dad did not betray his family by having a brand new set of kids, he is with the same lady but never married. I just think too much water has gone under the bridge though and especially now I am a mum I will never understand how anyone could leave their own kids. But what if I regret it one day?

I think you are right, an apology now won't change how you feel and realistically I don't think an apology at the start would have made any difference to you either.

You didn't want an apology back then, you wanted him to come home which is understandable, you were 10, you didn't realise then that what you wanted was for him to continue in a relationship with your DM when that relationship was over.

Has your DM been able to move on?

What do you feel that he could do now that would make things easier for you?

She hasn't said when her mother told her this. You are assuming it was when she was a child and not as an adult. Nothing wrong with telling your child this as long as they're adult and able to understand - there no shame in this

You say you feel replaced.

Do you think your half brothers felt replaced when you were born?

after all they were from a previous relationship of your mums?

From reading through this post I feel your mum was far too honest to you , you were 10 years old when this all happened and should have been protected. However your mum told you all and this contributed to the breakdown of your relationship with your dad. It’s called parental alienation, I know of another 2 family this happened to and again the children now teens have nothing to do with their dad mainly out of loyalty to their mum, however they still take money off him!

It could have been anyone looking with her though not necessarily her mother. A sibling/aunt/uncle/grandparent/family friend. She may have discovered it herself and knew how to use the computer. Especially if her parents were musicians and regularly on myspace

Especially if her parents were musicians and regularly on myspace

it was the alleged OW who was on MySpace.

I feel replaced and I also feel like they've had and are having the life I should have had with my dad

do you think your brothers felt replaced? Do they feel anger that they should be having a life with their dad, who was replaced by yours?

I think the OP grew up living with this brother as a family so he wasn't abandoned by his mother because he lived with her. The OPs father lives with his new children without the OP

I feel replaced and I also feel like they've had and are having the life I should have had with my dad

So the way he done it isn't the real problem then, it wouldn't have mattered who he met or when, you would still feel jealous of any future children he had.

That apology definitely would help you.

*wouldn't help

@Volhhg “could have been anyone looking with her though not necessarily her mother”

Yeah, could have been. But despite returning to a thread with multiple comments that her mother inappropriately over shared, OP has chosen not to correct anyone on that.

I think it’s great that she posted and has listened. Even if other people’s perspectives are way off the reality, just seeing a myriad of possibilities can open you up to exploring more thoughts of your own.

If it is the case that her mother made some very poor choices… well, that’s still forgiveable.

I don’t think @jesseastmids has to forgive her dad. But she’s holding a hell of a lot of anger. And I don’t think she’s taking money from him to “screw the bastard” - I am sure that there’s part of her that wants to consider some level of relationship - and that’s why she asks for money, tells him about her pregnancy, posts here.

I personally think she should put meeting him on hold anyway until she’s really thought about what went on - including her mother’s role, and any other family members.

This might be too forgiveable adults who made awful decisions - but that can be moved on from without the level of hurt and anger that OP is still fizzing with, 15 years on.

@Volhhg

I was 16/17 when I found out about my dad not wanting anymore kids and my mums termination. Me and my mum are close, like best friends which is why she told me.

Why did this even come up? Why was she talking to you about this, given it had probably happened at least 8 years before this?

Can you really not see what your mother has done to you? A ‘best friend’ would usually be expected to take their friend’s side in a divorce; a ‘child’ should not.

I said similar up thread. But i thought me and my mum were really close and I actually liked that she moaned about my dad to me and told me things that had done l gone on, because it made me feel grown up and close to her. It's only looking back now at nearly 40 that I realise that it severely hampered me having any relationship with my dad. and I don't think my mum is a bad person but as the oldest child (I was 11 when they split) She enjoyed having an ally and having me see him how she saw him. Yes he was a knob at times but she also wasn't innocent, the only difference is, he never involved me in their relationship so I didn't/ still don't know any of this.

I do speak to my dad now and we are happy enough but not close and I think it's really sad

Parents who seek to be best friends with their children are not doing the right thing for anyone.

See here for psychological research about the effects of mothers doing this post divorce.

I agree that it's not very healthy to manufacture a "best friend" type relationship with your child, at least until they are independent and well into adulthood.

"Best friends" provide mutual support. But a teenager should not be expected to support an adult 20 or 30 years their senior. OP, you're still much younger than your mum was then, but can you imagine today wanting a 16 year old to be your best friend? Adult best friends talk about marriage, divorce, kids, career troubles, buying houses - I could teach a teenager a little about these topics, but I would not want them to support me about them. They're not supposed to be at that stage yet, and although it might feel grown up to them, it's actually just putting my own issues on their plate and not fair on them. As an adult my relationship with teenagers should be helping them stay safe, teaching them age appropriate things, or chatting to them about the topics that they are interested in, not drawing them into my own worries.

It’s not just that a best friend relationship covers inappropriate parts of life, it also deprives the child of the parental relationship they desperately need.

That’s even more the case when the child has been encouraged to not have a relationship with the other parent.

All children - even 16/17 year olds - deserve a proper parent-child relationship. It’s hugely important.

Bitching about your ex, complaining about finances and sharing information about your intimate life are all topics to save for actual adult best friends, not your adolescent daughter.

Good point. I had pretty dysfunctional parents myself so maybe never had that normal "parental relationship", and don't intuitively know what it looks like with a teenager. It's easier to see what's actively wrong that what's just never been there.

That’s definitely true. It’s much harder to know what good should look like, if you haven’t seen or experienced anything like it.

I suspect your mother allowed or even encouraged you to have a negative view of your father and that many mothers would have supported their child to maintain a relationship with him, putting their own resentments aside for the good of the child. By allowing you to develop these feelings, it seems she was self serving, and possibly trying to take revenge on him. Which is rich considering she had previously done something similar to her sons' father (she could support their ongoing relationship however, since she retained custody of her children).

And it was wrong to involve a 10 year old in stalking him on social media. When she says they were happy, she means she was. He can't have been, though. It's not as if this was a casual fling he had - she already had a child, which he took on, and he married her and had more kids with her. He probably didn't want another child with your mother as he already had doubts about the relationship.

I'm afraid you sound like a child who has been coached and encouraged by a vengeful mother. I suggest you do seek therapy so you can sort out your own feelings and decide what steps to take regarding your relationship with your father, if any.

I find so many of the responses so interesting- the OW had anaffair with a married man, and everyone goes- yes, he should leave if he was not happy. On other threads whe nwomen talk about cheating men, everyone goes- oh what a scum! - but no one, oh poor guy maybe he was not happy with you!

I would also find it hard to forgive, and if you dont want to see him, then don't. It's up to you and you may not be missing much.

I find so many of the responses so interesting- the OW had anaffair with a married man, and everyone goes- yes, he should leave if he was not happy

he left first. The girlfriend was not until months after.

the mum has put the idea into a 10 year old’s head that the relationship started soon after he left, based on internet stalking on MySpace.

It might not even be that the OP’s mother was vengeful, or intending to alienate. She may simply have been very upset, angry and dysregulated and unable to contain herself or have the self awareness to understand that making a pre-teen/teen daughter your best friend and confidante during the breakdown of your marriage to her father is not wise, healthy or appropriate, and will have unintended consequences for your child’s mental health. An upset, bereft parent doesn’t always have the insight and a parentified child will often feel special, needed, closely bonded etc. so it won’t be apparent at first that any damage is being done. Reading more of the updates, I feel sad for everyone involved. The adults have been immature and selfish and entirely put their own needs first to the detriment of the OP.

OP, please seek help to try and disentangle all this.

i don’t think anyone has said that he should have had an affair. Just that it’s ok for him to have left the OP’s mother. And that the affair seems to have lasted the distance. Not the same thing.

And that a childhood of hearing how her father left ‘them’ so he could pretend he’s 25 again with a young girl etc, etc was clearly not in the OP’s best interests.

If the mother were posting about how her husband cheated on her, everyone would agree he was treating her dreadfully.

But that doesn’t mean it’s ok for that mother to tell a 10 year old this stuff and encourage her to choose sides.

But it was the truth? He did leave them to have a younger girlfriend with whom he had an affair for some time?
People go along the lines of- he had a right to be happy, which is fine, everyone does, but it also happened at the cost of OP and her family happiness.
If she was writing from the point of her Mum (my partner left me and my child) - people would be throwing themselves to say what a bastard he was, but many people seem here to be criticising OP for not being welcoming to him and saying his right to happiness was just so important and that she is the immature and unreasonable one not to see acknowledge he had a right to had an affair and bugger off with a younger woman. I just fing it funny/fascinating how people respond differently to the same situation.

But there's no evidence here that he was having an affair, only some suppositions made by his ex wife since he later rocked up with a gf. He left the family to move to a shared house which OP seems to think was a crazy thing to do but was most likely his only financial option at the time. She lost her home too, so presumably both parents lost out financially in the divorce. It's not the same as a husband cheating because home life isn't as much fun anymore.

But it was the truth? He did leave them to have a younger girlfriend with whom he had an affair for some time?

is it? The o/p never said that.

he moved into a shared house. If he had been having an affair for some time and left for her, why not move in with her? As the o/p says, tragic to move into a shared house when you could have a family home.

he was challenged after he left and said he wasn’t in a relationship. It was months after, after he’d moved back in to give the relationship another go and moved back out again.

so with o/p never talking to her dad she, and no one here, has any idea of when the relationship started, whether he left because he wasn’t happy or for another woman.