To still have not forgiven my dad for leaving us?

[buildingourdreams]

I am 25 now and have 2 dc of my own. When I was only 10 my dad suddenly left us, me and mum had our suspicions that it was this younger girl he worked with although he denied it. He moved in with friends into a house share, (I mean who leaves their family for a house share in their 30's, tragic.) Mum wanted him back, we all did. so after a few months he did agree to come back at one point but it was obvious to everyone he did not want to be there and this only lasted a few weeks until he upped and left again. This time for good. Weeks after, he finally admitted to Mum he had a girlfriend and low and behold it was this younger girl who we are pretty sure he would have been seeing the whole time. After this I used to see him most weekends for about a year but eventually I told him he would have to choose between having me in his life or his girlfriend, he chose his girlfriend. So I refused to see him anymore. They were engaged in about a year at the most then had a new daughter only 2 years after he left us (I mean wtf who even does that), and got married shortly after. Mum said it was literally as soon as their divorce came through, disgusting.

My "dad" is still married to OW and has two girls one is 13 and one is 8. and also OWs son who is now 16 so what a nice happy family. I used to look at their social media all the time, OW's and the older kids. But now I have them all blocked as it makes me too angry. He used to pay child support until I started work and emails me every so often, and sends me money for my DC birthdays and my birthday and Christmas. I did tell him when I was pregnant and when my LOs were born and I sometimes ask him for money (😳 ) but I don't want anything else off him.

DH thinks I should at least talk to him as I never got his side of things, he had similar with his dad and after a difficult few years reconciled a few years ago, now they are best mates. But his dad did not betray his family by having a brand new set of kids, he is with the same lady but never married. I just think too much water has gone under the bridge though and especially now I am a mum I will never understand how anyone could leave their own kids. But what if I regret it one day?

I don't think anyone is saying it's a love story. Just that divorces happen and the Dad clearly wants to stay in OPs life and has done all along.

My mum left my dad for another man and I'm so glad that my dad was nothing but supportive of me continuing to have a relationship with my mum. He always encouraged me to go when I didn't want to and was very clear that their separation was not about us or anything we had done. He also never said a bad word about my mum or the other man in front of me or my siblings.

My mum and I have a great relationship now and I'm forever grateful for my dad for not allowing any anger or bitterness to spread to us.

We don’t even know if she was an OW either, he didn’t start dating her until months after he left.

the only “evidence” that he was seeing her before that is a 10 year old somehow seeing or being shown pictures on MySpace, again after the split.

I agree with pp who have suggested that therapy would be a good idea to help you gain perspective on all of this. And I also agree that your mother has handled the situation spectacularly badly.

I don't have personal experience of this but my dh does. His mother also did similar to him & subsequent half siblings (where relationships broke down with the father). She off loaded FAR too much information & responsibility onto him (he was also 10 when that marriage ended) & did untold damage to my dh as that little boy. She ALWAYS portrayed herself as the victim when in reality she was actually unable to form or maintain a healthy relationship.

My dh is in his 40s now. His DF is dead & he's only coming to terms with the entire situation & more importantly with the role His 'poor mum' played in exacerbating things. He's having therapy & it's difficult but enormously helpful.

Please seek help OP because you're carrying a lot of hurt & patterns repeat until you stop the cycle. Don't pass this onto your own dc.

I wish you well & hope you can navigate it all safely

Why would anyone leave a relationship they’re ‘“sooooo happy” in?!

He does get the satisfaction of his money helping to raise his DGC and looking after all his DC. He’s not doing badly with his actual responsibilities ( and some) by the sounds of it.

You can’t be that unforgiving when you’re taking his handouts. Or do you not have any pride? I’d struggle to take money from anyone I talked about like this…

I think your feelings are too strong to consider his side of the story, and personally I don’t think you need to.

My father left when I was 5 and disappeared off the face of the earth. We (3 siblings) got back in touch with him when I was 17. I went to London to meet him and his partner. I thought he wanted some kind of reconciliation, no he just wanted to tell me what I should be doing with my life in the future, but no mention of the past. I was done. It was something I was angry about for a long time.

I think you should perhaps find someone to talk this over with. You have a lot of justified anger, and just because your Dh has reconciled doesn’t mean you have to.

I think it would help you to learn how to box up your feelings about your father and put it to one side. You do not need this unresolved grief intruding into your everyday life. It is possible you will have to be ready for further emotional toil when your Dc reach 10 years, especially if you have a DD.

How does a 10 year old in 2007 search on line for this woman?

As another poster pointed out, Facebook only went fully live to the general U.K. public late in 2006. I know @jesseastmids has already said it wasn’t Facebook, probably MySpace.

But I draw attention to it being almost pre-Facebook because I think that helps people to put themselves back to a time when we didn’t all have the internet in our pocket. And when it certainly wasn’t common for 10 year olds to have unfettered access.

So as a 10 year old, you not only had access to the internet and knowledge of social media sites (I think before we were even calling them that!) and you had a name to search? Bullshit. Not as in - you’re a troll, bullshit. But as in that wasn’t you, on your own. You weren’t today’s internet savvy and relationship savvy 15yo noticing dad get mentionitis about a woman at work and typing her name into Google. That is a shitshow that you were pulled into. It seems, by your mother.

It’s the naughties equivalent of an 80s mum dragging her kids round the pubs with her to find her cheating husband.

You should never have been exposed to all this. Ten! FFS - you’d not even be out of primary 😢

I think to be fair to OP, memory isn't always 100% reliable and it's easy to get mixed up with things that happened at different times.

Does anyone else do that thing where you remember something from years ago and your memory 'inserts' you taking a photo on your phone or looking at your phone? Only you couldn't have because you had a brick phone with no camera at the time.

Maybe because the internet and SM are such go to places to find anything out now, our minds somehow insert them into 'finding out about something' memories.

I don't know. But I don't think interrogating OP about the exact time lines or using this to heap further blame on her mum are In The Spirit, as MNHQ would say.

YANBU, OP, it sounds like you saved yourself from years of heartache from living in the outskirts of your dad’s life.

except she hasn't, the heartache and upset is clear in every post she writes.

I don't blame you at all for not forgiving him. My only thought is as someone who valued the contribution my grandparents made to my childhood and indeed adult life until they died, somehow I hope you can find it in you for their to be some relationship between your DC and their grandfather.

I've only read part way through the thread and you sound like you are still 10. I would suggest growing the fuck up. From what I can see your Dad tried for many years (and still does) to keep in touch and you and your mum stopped him at every turn. He is allowed to leave your mum, maybe she was happy and he wasn't. He has now been with this women for longer than he was with your mother, when are you going to accept he is more compatible with her. Why was it okay for your mum to leave her first marriage and the father of her kids but it wasn't okay for your Dad to leave.
I would suggest some therapy but at a minimum stop asking him for money.
Btw you and your mum come across as quite nasty and spiteful. Out of interest, does your sister see your Dad?

Sorry I may has misunderstood and maybe you don't have a sibling.

What I don’t understand is… your mum left your brothers’ dad - that’s ok for you. She met a new guy and had another child - you. You are the new family/ half sibling.
your brothers’ dad stayed involved with them.
You chose to not let your dad be involved in the n your life. You are the “new” family, you think your brothers don’t feel the same about you.
surely you can see some parallels here?

I've only read part way through the thread and you sound like you are still 10. I would suggest growing the fuck up.

Some of us see that from a point of understanding rather than criticism.

I don't have a sister (not from my mom and dad anyway) I have two older brothers from my mums prev relationship to my dad.

And they don't see him as they didn't want to and other than a few half hearted attempts my dad never tried to see them after he left. so they've had no contact pretty much since he left the second time.

Yes I can and now I feel conflicted 😐

That must have been very difficult for your brothers, he was in their lives for a long time.

Sadly from reading on MN that does seem to be a common occurrence, though understandably a difficult path to navigate.

@WhiteFire I don't think they cared to much to be honest as they always saw a lot of their real dad growing up. They were there almost half the week and always went on holidays with their dad and his wife etc. One of my brothers even went to live with him when he was 17/18.

So if I'm going to be completely fair to my dad I would say maybe he knew my brothers had a real dad and did not want to step on toes. but I dunno 🤷‍♀️ I think if i had step children and split from their parent I would still wana see them ?

So if I'm going to be completely fair to my dad I would say maybe he knew my brothers had a real dad and did not want to step on toes. but I dunno 🤷‍♀️ I think if i had step children and split from their parent I would still wana see them ?

thing is as he’s not their biological dad he has no parental responsibility. Seeing them would only be if your mum/their dad let him.

it’s also possible she said similar things to your brothers so they wouldn’t see him. Have you spoken to them? If they are older than you what are their memories?

Feel free to be as understanding as you want but it doesn't help the op. Of course people can understand why she was upset and acted out at 10 but after 15 years maybe now is the time to get some perspective and understand no-one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. The fact is a 10 year old probably has little understanding of their parent's marriage and is basing everything and what her mum says. I understand her mum might have been bitter if her father left for the OW but I think she did a real disservice to the op by encouraging her to cut contact with her Dad and then had a go when he invited his own dd to his wedding. Of course everyone understands that you feel like your dad abandoned you and started a new family but I'm just not sure that is true (and I'm basing that on what you said!).
Op, the reality is you and your kids are missing out on one side of your family and there is really no need. You might get on great with your half brothers and sisters, it will be a different relationship to the brothers you grew up with but it could still be great.
Try and think about it from your kid's perspective if you and your DH ever broke up. Do you think the way your mum acted was the best way to be, would you try and maintain a relationship between your kids and their dad if he was a good dad even if you were hurting cos is left you?
I'm not trying to make your mum out to be awful and I'm sure there is blame on both sides (perhaps your dad should have tried harder to get contact) but ask yourself why would he invite you to his wedding, why would he give you money when you won't even see him if he really didn't care about you?
If you can I would definitely get some therapy and try and move forward. You are only 25 and could have many years of a great relationship with your dad.

The only people this bitterness, whether it originated from you or your mother, is poisoning is you.

The relationship finished between your mother and father for whatever reason, relationships fail and it's terribly sad but you terminated the relationship with your father by issuing an ultimatum. He tried to see you, has since given you money (funny how your principles don't extend to not taking that off of him) and has reached out it seems on numerous occasions but you've rebuffed him. Have you asked for an apology? Explained in an adult reasoned way how you feel?

You could have had so much of a richer life, more family, more love, more lived experiences, a father present in your life.

This. The issue is your mother.

And I say that as a woman who's partner left her with a 1 year old baby, following an affair. I never bad mouthed him, although he is a bit of a tosser, and as a result 24yo DD is well balanced and happy and has a good relationship with her dad. Your post and your mother's behaviour makes me feel glad I behaved as I did. You need counselling and your mum needs to take responsibility.

You don't know how you would feel if you had step children. But your mother was not the most cooperative person in the world when it came to his relationship with YOU, let alone her kids that weren't his. She was obviously unwilling to consider his feelings or opinion, or the fact that he wasn't happy with her. For all you know a big part of their relationship failing could have been linked to your brothers. You wouldn't know because your mother simply denies that he was unhappy.