To still have not forgiven my dad for leaving us?

[buildingourdreams]

I am 25 now and have 2 dc of my own. When I was only 10 my dad suddenly left us, me and mum had our suspicions that it was this younger girl he worked with although he denied it. He moved in with friends into a house share, (I mean who leaves their family for a house share in their 30's, tragic.) Mum wanted him back, we all did. so after a few months he did agree to come back at one point but it was obvious to everyone he did not want to be there and this only lasted a few weeks until he upped and left again. This time for good. Weeks after, he finally admitted to Mum he had a girlfriend and low and behold it was this younger girl who we are pretty sure he would have been seeing the whole time. After this I used to see him most weekends for about a year but eventually I told him he would have to choose between having me in his life or his girlfriend, he chose his girlfriend. So I refused to see him anymore. They were engaged in about a year at the most then had a new daughter only 2 years after he left us (I mean wtf who even does that), and got married shortly after. Mum said it was literally as soon as their divorce came through, disgusting.

My "dad" is still married to OW and has two girls one is 13 and one is 8. and also OWs son who is now 16 so what a nice happy family. I used to look at their social media all the time, OW's and the older kids. But now I have them all blocked as it makes me too angry. He used to pay child support until I started work and emails me every so often, and sends me money for my DC birthdays and my birthday and Christmas. I did tell him when I was pregnant and when my LOs were born and I sometimes ask him for money (😳 ) but I don't want anything else off him.

DH thinks I should at least talk to him as I never got his side of things, he had similar with his dad and after a difficult few years reconciled a few years ago, now they are best mates. But his dad did not betray his family by having a brand new set of kids, he is with the same lady but never married. I just think too much water has gone under the bridge though and especially now I am a mum I will never understand how anyone could leave their own kids. But what if I regret it one day?

I agree with this.

My half brother's other parent truly abandoned him. Upped and left and never spoke to him again.

Your Dad left your Mum, not you. He still saw you every weekend and then kept the door open after you refused to see him.

I can understand why you felt abandoned, but do think it's worth finding someone neutral like a therapist to talk things through with.

Do you remember why you told him, a year down the line but well before your younger half sister was on the way to “replace” you, that he had to choose?

And your half brothers could well have felt that way about you.

The only difference between a mum leaving and a dad leaving is that generally speaking the mum will keep primary custody of the kids. Not because she cares more but because this is the way of things. So her older kids were still living with her most of the time when she had you. But what that essentially means, is that you're saying it's ok for a mum to leave an unhappy marriage and have more kids, but not for a dad to, because he wouldn't be living with his kids full time. He must stay regardless of how unhappy he is in his marriage. Is this what you believe?

And again, you could have been heavily involved in your dad's life. You chose not to be.

I think the OP has been given a bit of a hard time. It does sound as though her mum leant on her too much at the time (this is common but unfortunate).

Divorce made the OP feel insecure - it was probably the first time she had ever been aware of the family finances. Her Dad left but she also had to move house.

She perceived that her father was living in comfort with a new family (if they were hard up, it didn’t come across). This is quite damaging to a child. She also mentions that her father paid child maintenance until she started working - so her mother shared stuff about how much he paid with her.

Ultimately, there is no “should” about how someone feels. She is not required to be interested in her half siblings or to want a relationship with her father.

This answer "sounds" logical in the surface but isn't irl, in the absence of information. Maybe dm wouldn't have left the marriage if she didn't have custody. Maybe dm is a lot more loving and caring compared to df. You just can't know. That's a feeling only the op can deduce. If she feels dm's love towards her sons was more real than her dad's was towards her, than we need to take that as face value.

(that was in response to asofanearyou)

I can’t believe posters above are dressing up OP’s dad leaving his wife for a young girl as a love story 🙄. It sounds sordid as fuck. He’s no hero, he’s a led by his dick idiot.

YANBU, OP, it sounds like you saved yourself from years of heartache from living in the outskirts of your dad’s life.

And I don’t blame you for taking his money. Why deny your kids just to be able to throw it in his face. Stuff him.

Bearing in mind everything the OP has posted about her mother and father, apparently without realising how badly her mother comes across, I don’t agree.

If the OP can still see her mother as a betrayed saint and her father as a pantomime villain 15 years on despite the facts she has told us showing they are both nothing of the sort (and her mother gets worse with every post), her feelings about her mother’s relationship with her sons can’t be taken at face value either - how much is how the OP sees the relationship and how much is how her mother portrays it and the OP has swallowed wholesale?

Because she was a child! There had been no abuse, so a child of her age should not have had the power to emotionally blackmail her father and then cut him out of her life. Look at where it got her: she was allowed to manufacture the rejection that has so traumatised her. This sort of thing is exactly why we don't indulge every hurt feeling and every irrational reaction that children have. Instead, she should have been supported sensitively and sheltered where appropriate from certain details, which appears to be the opposite of what happened

I wouldn't call her spoilt, there's no need for that, but her response was immature- which is exactly as you'd expect from a child. So yes, her behaviour was bad and akin to a tantrum but I don't blame a hurt 10 year old for that. It's to be expected. The problem is, she never matured out of it. She needs to examine why that is. Maybe it is because she is spoilt or struggles to see things from others' perspectives but I suspect the answer is more likely to lie in her loyalty to her mum. That's for her to figure out anyway.

Even if this is true (and it may well be), there are multiple posters on Mumsnet and even on this thread who have been put in a similar position and who haven’t destroyed their children’s relationship with their father to get revenge on their ex.

The father left for another woman and tried to continue to co parent. The mother apparently engaged in a sustained campaign of parental alienation (based on the facts given by the OP) and destroyed any chance her daughter had of not being screwed up by the divorce.

I can agree the father didn’t behave well while thinking the mother behaved much worse (the father’s behaviour wasn’t aimed at his daughter, the mother’s was).

I can’t believe posters above are dressing up OP’s dad leaving his wife for a young girl as a love story 🙄. It sounds sordid as fuck. He’s no hero, he’s a led by his dick idiot.

They're still married with kids. It is a love story.

The fact that she was younger could mean a range of things - grooming a 17 year old or just a normal relationship with someone that happened to be a bit younger.

@Lilgamesh2

so a child of her age should not have had the power to emotionally blackmail her father and then cut him out of her life.

Then her father should have applied for access. He didn’t because he had a shiny, new family with a new young bride. He assuaged his guilt at abandoning his daughter by transferring money. It’s something men have been doing for centuries. This is no poor misunderstood man, he’s a cliché of a fool.

I’ve posted once to support you, and feel i’d like to give you a little more perspective, i did say i have no idea how you felt, however i do know how your mum felt, i’ve been in the same situation. You say you think it may be harder because he came back and left again, this exact same thing happened here, to give you a little bit of perspective, i know it must have been harder when he left again, but maybe, just maybe, he did that to try and make it work, and keep the family together unfortunately it didn’t but it may just help you to move on. I’m not excusing what he did. A very good friend once told me that in order to move on and lessen the hurt, that although i couldn’t forgive and forget and put it behind me, to try and “put it to the side” to enable me to start to move on and be at peace with the hurt caused. Wishing you all the best xx

If you apply for access for a NT 11/12 year old and they don't want to see you, then there is no guarantee that the Family Court will force the child to see you.

You’ve not seen the really quite harrowing video, then of a 16-year-old and 14-year-old being forcibly moved from the mothers house, crying, screaming and kicking as The police drag them to go and live with their dad ?

The courts have really turned in recent years. I don’t think it was the same when OP was a child though.

OP was 10. And he never even tried, so the forcing issue is immaterial.

Then her father should have applied for access. He didn’t because he had a shiny, new family with a new young bride. He assuaged his guilt at abandoning his daughter by transferring money. It’s something men have been doing for centuries. This is no poor misunderstood man, he’s a cliché of a fool

projection much. You don’t know he didn’t seek legal advice- applying for access is only in cases where the other parent is withholding access.

a court can’t and won’t force a 10 year old to see a parent if they don’t want to. What do expect to happen, police round to drag the child off to her dads?

he didn’t abandon her. He made it clear he wanted contact, it was the child that refused to go, supported by her mum.

what do you think of the mum taking her children and setting up with o/p’s dad, out of interest? Same situation.

Sounds like you’re projecting.

People are allowed to leave unhappy marriages.

We don't know the ages of her father and his wife.

They could have been 35 and 20, or 40 and 25, or 45 and 30.

Since her mother was married before and had two sons it probably nearer the latter two which isn't sordid at all.

How do you know he never tried?

bearing in mind o/p has never discussed with her dad so wouldn’t know either.

even if he had have managed a court order, do you really think a good dad acting in the child’s best interest would drag a distressed 10 year old to his house and force her to stay?

No projection here, my dad was a lovely man who worked his arse off for his family and my mum the same.

You haven’t forgiven and don’t want to talk to him but happily ask him for money, as an adult with two children?

Also what kind of 10y old asks their father to choose between them and their partner?

I agree you sound like you’re just repeating your mother’s views.

I think as an adult you need to step back a little and look at it from an adult point of view if you can...it's not nice but people do end relationships for others. It sounds like your dad has tried to maintain a level of contact, in as much as you'll let him.

There is no obligation for you to reignite your relationship with your dad, but equally holding on to all this hurt is not good for you. I'd have a proper talk with him about how it made you feel - and how you still feel - and try and take it from there.

@Reugny we do know the ages, the OW was apparently 25/26, father in his 30s.

Assuming the PP is correct & the age difference was 26/30's. I have friends who are in similar age gap relationships. These WOMEN (not girls) have masters degrees, hobbies, interesting thoughts and opinions to talk about, extensive life experience through hardship (so not immature little girls), humour aplenty. Id say the least interesting things about them are their 'young' bodies and whether or not they are good in the bedroom.

I can't believe there are people here who still claim older man/younger woman can only ever be about sex. Could it possibly just be that the younger woman is an interesting, lovely, fun ADULT - and a better match than the original partner/wife. Once both parties are above 25, age is really irrelevant.

The OPs father moved on with a woman, not a girl, and he didn't alienate his daughter in the process - he has tried to have a relationship with her.