To still have not forgiven my dad for leaving us?

[buildingourdreams]

I am 25 now and have 2 dc of my own. When I was only 10 my dad suddenly left us, me and mum had our suspicions that it was this younger girl he worked with although he denied it. He moved in with friends into a house share, (I mean who leaves their family for a house share in their 30's, tragic.) Mum wanted him back, we all did. so after a few months he did agree to come back at one point but it was obvious to everyone he did not want to be there and this only lasted a few weeks until he upped and left again. This time for good. Weeks after, he finally admitted to Mum he had a girlfriend and low and behold it was this younger girl who we are pretty sure he would have been seeing the whole time. After this I used to see him most weekends for about a year but eventually I told him he would have to choose between having me in his life or his girlfriend, he chose his girlfriend. So I refused to see him anymore. They were engaged in about a year at the most then had a new daughter only 2 years after he left us (I mean wtf who even does that), and got married shortly after. Mum said it was literally as soon as their divorce came through, disgusting.

My "dad" is still married to OW and has two girls one is 13 and one is 8. and also OWs son who is now 16 so what a nice happy family. I used to look at their social media all the time, OW's and the older kids. But now I have them all blocked as it makes me too angry. He used to pay child support until I started work and emails me every so often, and sends me money for my DC birthdays and my birthday and Christmas. I did tell him when I was pregnant and when my LOs were born and I sometimes ask him for money (😳 ) but I don't want anything else off him.

DH thinks I should at least talk to him as I never got his side of things, he had similar with his dad and after a difficult few years reconciled a few years ago, now they are best mates. But his dad did not betray his family by having a brand new set of kids, he is with the same lady but never married. I just think too much water has gone under the bridge though and especially now I am a mum I will never understand how anyone could leave their own kids. But what if I regret it one day?

Why? Your mother left her previous relationship with two kids and then had more. What’s different? It’s affected you so badly, what’s to say it didn’t affect them in the same way?

I think you could probably benefit from counselling. You sound angry and hurt.however asking for money shows you think you are owed .to understand why marriages end is complex. He hasn't behaved well but if people stay in marriages they are unhappy in isn't good either.making peace with him will be better for you too

It probably didn’t affect them in the same way… because the adults around them didn’t use it to reinforce feelings of abandonment and betrayal. They probably supported them to see the new sibling as a good thing.

The OP got the opposite and it’s caused her 15 years of pain.

hopefully the OP will be able to work through it all with a therapist and find peace. Not so she can apportion blame to either her or her parents, but so she can understand what went wrong and how to move on from it. She isn't to blame for her 10 year old reaction but at that age children need help navigating complex emotions and clearly here any "support" or guidance she was given was either ineffective or, if we're to be cynical, actually exacerbated the trauma.

I don't doubt that her feelings of abandonment are real and traumatic, but that doesn't mean she was actually abandoned. She saw her DF every weekend until she cut him off and despite 15 years of rejection he continues to keep the door open, wanting to talk and giving her gifts to show that he loves her. That's simply not what it is to be abandoned.

At age 10 she needed to be told that it's normal to find divorce hard, but it's not acceptable to refuse to see DF or to try to dictate who he can and can't see, and that nobody is obligated to stay in a relationship they don't want. Her expectations were unrealistic and nobody explained that to her so when she didn't get what she wanted she felt wounded all over again. It needed to be made clear to her at the time (kindly) that she was wrong for trying to break up his relationship and cutting him off - instead, for all this time, she has thought her actions were justified and that when he didn't give in to her blackmail he was abandoning her again!

The amount of validation she has received in real life is clearly at odds which what most people think she is due based on the fairly unanimous responses on this thread. That validation has contributed to her trauma. Instead, she is only hearing it for the first time now at age 25 after years of hurt and anger.

@Notanotherusername4321

I know his new children were planned. I cba to go into why I know but I do know.

And I also know that when I was small mum accidently got pregnant and they had a termination then Mum got sterilised.

it is ridiculous that you know any of this. Your mother’s lack of boundaries did you no favours at all.

it is ridiculous that you know any of this. Your mother’s lack of boundaries did you no favours at all.

This.

Your mum fucked up here.
Maybe look up “parentification” - sounds like a lot of inappropriate over sharing going on.

You’re even making disparaging remarks about him going into a house share! That’s fine from a 15yo, but it’s very immature from a 25yo.

I speak as a mother whose husband had an affair, I would hate for my children to be as angry about it as you are. They don’t even know, as it happens. You don’t have to have a relationship with him - but your own life will be happier if you get therapy or something to lose this pointless anger. He had an affair, his marriage broke down. It’s not great - but it happens. Move on.

He didn’t choose his girlfriend over you. He rightly realised he couldn’t be held to ransom by a child, and at the time no doubt had no idea it would become permanent. Your mum should not have backed you to break contact, she should have gently given you some space and then worked to resume contact. Like I say - I’m a cheated on divorcée - and I did the right thing by my children. Your mum either couldn’t or wouldn’t, and I’m suspecting the latter.

If you’re going to remain a child about this at 25, at least get some pride and stop asking him for money 🙄

@Testina The house share remark is because imo a house share is fine for students / young people or single people. But I cannot imagine leaving a family and a family home to live like a student! I mean our family house was ordinary but surely better than a room in a shared house 🤦‍♀️

@Lilgamesh2 You continue to describe OP like she was a spoilt brat having a tantrum over not getting the latest pair of trainers.. OP was right to expect her parents (both of them) to prioritize her and not themselves. Sadly, neither appear to have done so.

I'm wondering if you see the double standards in your comment below. If an adult has the right to leave a relationship they don't want (as OPs DF did) why did OP also not have that right when it came to her Father? Why is she obligated to continue that relationship?

At age 10 she needed to be told that it's normal to find divorce hard, but it's not acceptable to refuse to see DF or to try to dictate who he can and can't see, and that nobody is obligated to stay in a relationship they don't want.

That's a horrible thing to say

If you think that's a horrible thing to say then you should realise it's also a horrible thing to say about your younger siblings.

Can you really not see that a house share is better than being in a house with a wife with whom your relationship has completely broken down? Really?

It’s really childish to be 25 years old and 15 years on from this and still making a petty dig about house shares.

When he first moved out, he’ll most likely still have being paying for everything- given that despite you being 10 your mum was still a SAHP. Now that’s absolutely right and proper that the exiting parent who has previously paid, continues to do so. But then you’re berating him because he went for the fast and cheap option of a house share?

It just shows that your anger with him is causing you to latch onto nonsense.

25 years old, and you’re bitching to strangers about his perfectly sensible initial housing choice?

This is a very strange, vaguely snobby mentality. Most people wouldn't stay in an unhappy relationship just because it was in a better house. And when you do leave a relationship with a child involved and want/need to leave them the house, you often can't afford better than a house share in the early days.

You just seem to be totally dismissive of the idea of being unhappy in a relationship. It's like what you want is to brush that under the carpet because objectively he HAD a marriage and a house, so what's he complaining about. Do you understand that people can be miserable in the wrong relationship?

Oh and you said it yourself: “or single people”.

He was a single person!

“now I am a mum I will never understand how anyone could leave their own kids.”

Why not start a thread and ask for the stories of all the mums on here who don’t have their kids full time, because they chose divorce? There are lots of us. Granted, most of us have the majority nights… but we made that choice. I could have stayed with my husband after his affair. Well, affairs. He’d have been happy with that - he didn’t want to split up, he just wanted to fuck other women a lot. And as a result of my choice (his actions, but my choice) I don’t have my children full time.

So fine, you don’t understand why I didn’t just stay. But when you’re 35, not 25, you might. And when you’re 45, you definitely will.

It was probably all he could afford short term.

It’s okay that he left; you seem to have taken it as a personal insult, but seem completely unable to see that you have applied different standards to your mother and father. She left, and you don’t see any issue with that, as you were the new nuclear child in that relationship. But you’re livid at your father for doing the same.

Adults are allowed to leave marriages if they are unhappy. And a 10yo is in no way able to understand the nuances of why. And nor should they be expected to.

Counselling might help, but if you don’t want to have any relationship with him, that’s fine too. It doesn’t seem like you want to anyway.

OP try to process some of the events back then as an adult rather than a 10 year old. What choice did your dad have if supporting the family? Cost forced him into a house share. Once he broke up with your mum he moved on and found happiness. That's what people do.
We are all flawed. Your dad made mistakes. Sounds to me that your mum did too. It seems to me that right now you only have half the story - as relayed to a 10 year old by someone who was very hurt and biased. You are telling yourself you know more, but everything you write suggests to me, an internet stranger, with no skin in the game that there you are not processing this as an adult holding all the cards. Be kind to yourself and your mum and your dad and you might crack this.

I left my relationship to move back into my mother's box room, because the relationship had broken down. Plenty of people leave relationships with absolutely nowhere to go, to live in refuges etc, because they can't stand to stay in the relationship a moment longer.
The acceptance of a 'step down' in accommodation is likely indicative of how unhappy your father was.

As a pp has said, no one can understand 'leaving their kids', divorcing etc until it happens to them. You are sitting up high looking down on your father now but, based on stats, you might just be in for a shocking fall - by the time you are 40, everything may have changed for you. Relationships do break down and parents are as entitled to find new happiness as anyone else.

I’m finding the responses that say the OP should keep taking money from a man she wants nothing else to do with because it’s the least he could do/it’s still a relationship of sorts really odd.

Using someone just for money is really not a nice thing to do. Whoever they are.

Deciding you want no further contact is a
choice you can make as an adult. But occasionally popping up to demand money is really unpleasant.

Even if you don’t want to question the story you’ve very obviously been told repeatedly since you were 10 or to explore an actual relationship with your paternal family, have the self respect to simply cut contact and not use him as a piggy bank jn
the future.

how would you feel about it if your child grew up and treated anyone that way?

Let’s throw in some armchair psychology.

Your mum also left a relationship when she had children.
You’re excusing that as she took your older half brothers with her.
But… it’s massively hypocritical, isn’t it?
If it is really so heinous as to leave your children - then it’s pretty bad to take them away too, no?

So here’s the armchair psychology: you know your mum is a hypocrite and you know that she behaved inappropriately and parented badly during the split.

So you’re throwing twice as much anger at your dad, because he’s getting her share - because you’re not ready to face the fact that he’s not the pantomime villain and your mum the entirely innocent party.

True. A lot of men we hear about on Mumsnet would definitely prioritise their own comfort over that of their ex partner and child and fund a nice flat or house while shrugging off their responsibility to keep their child housed.

The fact your father was prepared to downgrade to a house share to protect you (by leaving himself enough money for your support) isn’t a negative in my eyes.

Every time you post, your mother comes off worse. You should not know about your father’s affair or your mother’s termination.

It’s a horrible thing to think but it’s apparently how you think about your younger siblings.

I’m not necessarily saying it’s your fault, your ongoing posts have made it clear your mother has been dripping poison in your ears since you were a young child but if it’s horrible to suggest your brothers feel that way about you, why don’t you think it’s horrible to feel that way about your father’s other children?

I have already stated that I do not wish my half siblings any harm at all, I'm sure they are lovely kids. I wish them well but I don't want anything to do with them.

I feel replaced and I also feel like they've had and are having the life I should have had with my dad.

Again thanks for the replies I really do appreciated it even the harsh ones 💐 every single one is giving me pause for thought.

There’s only one person who stopped you having a life with your dad in it - and it’s not him, it’s not really you (although it is now) and it’s not his OW.

Your mum was no doubt rubbing her hands with glee when as I child who should not have been given that power, you wanted to not see him.