To still have not forgiven my dad for leaving us?

[buildingourdreams]

I am 25 now and have 2 dc of my own. When I was only 10 my dad suddenly left us, me and mum had our suspicions that it was this younger girl he worked with although he denied it. He moved in with friends into a house share, (I mean who leaves their family for a house share in their 30's, tragic.) Mum wanted him back, we all did. so after a few months he did agree to come back at one point but it was obvious to everyone he did not want to be there and this only lasted a few weeks until he upped and left again. This time for good. Weeks after, he finally admitted to Mum he had a girlfriend and low and behold it was this younger girl who we are pretty sure he would have been seeing the whole time. After this I used to see him most weekends for about a year but eventually I told him he would have to choose between having me in his life or his girlfriend, he chose his girlfriend. So I refused to see him anymore. They were engaged in about a year at the most then had a new daughter only 2 years after he left us (I mean wtf who even does that), and got married shortly after. Mum said it was literally as soon as their divorce came through, disgusting.

My "dad" is still married to OW and has two girls one is 13 and one is 8. and also OWs son who is now 16 so what a nice happy family. I used to look at their social media all the time, OW's and the older kids. But now I have them all blocked as it makes me too angry. He used to pay child support until I started work and emails me every so often, and sends me money for my DC birthdays and my birthday and Christmas. I did tell him when I was pregnant and when my LOs were born and I sometimes ask him for money (😳 ) but I don't want anything else off him.

DH thinks I should at least talk to him as I never got his side of things, he had similar with his dad and after a difficult few years reconciled a few years ago, now they are best mates. But his dad did not betray his family by having a brand new set of kids, he is with the same lady but never married. I just think too much water has gone under the bridge though and especially now I am a mum I will never understand how anyone could leave their own kids. But what if I regret it one day?

Let me get this straight.

So dad leaves family home for another (naturally younger) woman and starts a new family pronto without pausing 5 minutes to check whether his daughter is ok. She's not. Daughter is devastated. Traumatised to the point strangers are telling her to urgently get therapy at 25.

Meanwhile mum is forced to stick around and raise young kids solo and generally deal with fallout of selfish guy starting a new family way too soon.

Yet according to posters here, somehow the mother us to blame! Oh and the 10 year old daughter of issuing 'inappropriate ultimatums' and 'stalking'. Wtf. Misogyny is the only word for it!

I just want to say that I am now re reading all replies

I want to say thank you - can't believe how many replies I've had.

I'm actually shocked a lot of people think I'm being unreasonable but then also glad some think I'm not. But at the same time I feel like I'm starting to maybe question some things now so I feel a bit confused 🤯

I am also a bit worried in case any of this is identifiable (I am maybe being paranoid !!) but does anyone know if Mumsnet would allow me to change my user name just on this thread?

Its bonkers isn't it. Somehow everything's the fault of the women left to deal with the emotional fallout of a man cheating and leaving his family. PP are saying 'at least he's paid child support'. I mean jesus christ.

Lots of food for thought.

So what if it's identifiable? You haven't been nasty just give your perspective on things and regardless of how others see the situation you are entitled to feel how you feel ❤️

It's a healthy reaction that you may start to question things which you've believed for some time, but take it slowly and allow yourself time to properly process all the things you haven't over the last 15 years; anger, grief and sadness are all oral, but I think you got stuck on anger x

• normal, not oral!

None of the adults in this situation come out of it in good light, the whole situation should have been handled very differently by everyone involved. Setting up a situation of good parent, Vs bad parent was always going to end up with deep seated pain.

The adults need to take responsibility for the part they played, though I fear it will never happen.

Jesus wept.

Everything about this post is troubling.

Just a couple of things for you to help clarify -

How old are your brothers?
How long had DM and her first(?) husband been split before she met your DD?
How did DM and DD meet?
Did DBs like DD?
Did DD take equity or force the sale of your family home? I assume DM would have been receiving CM for her two sons from their father, and may have had equity from that divorce?

These may all be relevant to the household dynamic at the time.

A lot of the YABU are actually from a place of concern, not judgement. So don't take that figure as an indication that many think you feelings are unreasonable or irrelevant, just that remaining fixed in your 10 year old place isn't a good thing.

How would you feel if your DBs had given their mother the ultimatum, it's him or us? Doesn't feel comfortable when the shoe is on the other foot, does it?

Yes, this. Whether you think this would be reasonable or not should tell you whether you should genuinely believe as an adult that you should have made your dad choose between you and his subsequent children, and whether he should have had them.

Definitely this.

It’s a sad story and the OP is the one who has lost most in all of this.

you can almost hear the things her mum told her as she grew up in so many of the statements she made. ‘Pretending he was 25 again’, for example.

Rather than stalking her ex on MySpace and showing their 10 year old, the mother should have been protecting the poor child from all of this.

It is inappropriate - but as I’ve already stated it’s NOT the workings of a 10yo but a bitter and angry mother who is manipulating and over sharing with her DD.

I really feel for you OP. There are no winners in this and had your mum behaved differently at the time with you you probably be much happier right now

It really doesn’t sound like it OP. It sounds like you are repeating what your mum has told you. You can’t see the irony at all in this situation, especially regarding your brothers, and I think you should really have a good think about what people are saying and try and see how you’ve been manipulated here.

This is just so sad that at age 10 you were allowed to do this. You’ve been let down badly OP and not necessarily by your dad.

But really even if he did have a OW - it’s 15 years on, 2 new humans have been born and you really need to move in. If he did cheat he cheated on your mum, not you

Bebo and MySpace were around I think? Just.

I’m actually wondering if it’s a reverse. And OP is the step mum?

I don’t really need to comment on the rights and wrongs of the OP’s parent’s’ relationship. Others have more than covered this.

I will say that all the comments that the OP needs to seek therapy may be unhelpful. She is 25 and has two young children. She admits to asking her father for money. Unless she is very unusual, she is not well off and therapists / counsellors need to be paid.

It’s possible that some therapy will be provided for free … but I have no idea who by. Getting support for mental health issues is hard (unless you really are a danger to yourself or others).

He made a complete new circle of friends including her and basically started a new life acting as though he was 25 again

How can you not see how these are the words of your mother? You’ve not seen him in 15 years so how would you know unless she was telling you this?

Can you not see that it was completely inappropriate for your mum to allow you, at ten years old, to snoop around on MySpace and find this womans' page?

Your dad was also perfectly entitled to make new friends and start his social life over again. I'm really stunned you can't see that as an adult.

She wasn’t left to raise a child alone, she chose to be encouraging OP to push him away! And are you saying that unhappy people should stay in miserable marriages?

He made a complete new circle of friends including her and basically started a new life acting as though he was 25 again

on divorce it’s normal for one party to maintain contact with one side- it’s hard to remain friends with both in a separating couple. So the other half has to find a new social group.

what’s he supposed to do? Sit in his shared house all alone?

my brother had to get a new circle of friends after his wife kicked him out. They all stuck by his ex initially, until they realised she was having an affair, but different to her story of him being an awful husband/dad. He had to get a younger friendship group as by your 30’s most peers are married with young children, so if you want company to the pub you will need to find either younger or older friends.

two sides to every story.

OP you really need to get some therapy. Your mother overinvolved you hugely in adult issues. She's successfully poisoned you against your father. You taking your dad's money is massively hypocritical. Grow up and stop parroting your mum's propaganda

Jesus you have a dad who tried to keep in touch with you, tried to support you financially and still helps you out when you ask him to even though you have never ever expressed any interest or concern for him at all.

yes the divorce would’ve been hard for your mum, divorce always is, but are you seriously going to hold that against your dad until the day he dies??

I stopped seeing my father when I was around 11 years old. He moved straight in with the ow but because he was violent and not very nice, I could see what was happening for myself rather than being alienated by my mum. There’s a fine line between love and hate and it sounds like you’re stuck in the same place as you were when you were 10. By my twenties I felt nothing for my father. He was a stranger to me. The fact that you’ve not cut ties completely (telling him about your DC and asking him for money) suggests that you’re not willing to shut that door yet, even if you are still angry with him. Have you thought about why that is?

I’ll say to you what my mum said to me. God forbid, but how will you feel if he died tomorrow? Will you have said everything to him that you wanted to say? Or would you wish that you’d had more time? It was very easy for me because my father was not a nice man and my life improved measurably after I cut contact. When he died I felt nothing and had no regrets. But you haven’t suggested that your dad was abusive or violent to you, so our situations aren’t really comparable. I suspect you might feel very differently if your dad died tomorrow. How do you think you would feel?