To still have not forgiven my dad for leaving us?

[buildingourdreams]

I am 25 now and have 2 dc of my own. When I was only 10 my dad suddenly left us, me and mum had our suspicions that it was this younger girl he worked with although he denied it. He moved in with friends into a house share, (I mean who leaves their family for a house share in their 30's, tragic.) Mum wanted him back, we all did. so after a few months he did agree to come back at one point but it was obvious to everyone he did not want to be there and this only lasted a few weeks until he upped and left again. This time for good. Weeks after, he finally admitted to Mum he had a girlfriend and low and behold it was this younger girl who we are pretty sure he would have been seeing the whole time. After this I used to see him most weekends for about a year but eventually I told him he would have to choose between having me in his life or his girlfriend, he chose his girlfriend. So I refused to see him anymore. They were engaged in about a year at the most then had a new daughter only 2 years after he left us (I mean wtf who even does that), and got married shortly after. Mum said it was literally as soon as their divorce came through, disgusting.

My "dad" is still married to OW and has two girls one is 13 and one is 8. and also OWs son who is now 16 so what a nice happy family. I used to look at their social media all the time, OW's and the older kids. But now I have them all blocked as it makes me too angry. He used to pay child support until I started work and emails me every so often, and sends me money for my DC birthdays and my birthday and Christmas. I did tell him when I was pregnant and when my LOs were born and I sometimes ask him for money (😳 ) but I don't want anything else off him.

DH thinks I should at least talk to him as I never got his side of things, he had similar with his dad and after a difficult few years reconciled a few years ago, now they are best mates. But his dad did not betray his family by having a brand new set of kids, he is with the same lady but never married. I just think too much water has gone under the bridge though and especially now I am a mum I will never understand how anyone could leave their own kids. But what if I regret it one day?

Sounds like you’ve been manipulated and poisoned by your mum
relationships fail people move on

That is actually none of your business.

Hard as it is to understand - consenting adults your parents are sleeping with and when isn't any of your business.

Oh and "friends" commenting are likely to know more about your parents so called happy relationship then you.

Also as a kid under 13 why were you on Facebook and other social media? Your entire family allowed you to do and know age inappropriate things.

You have no way of knowing whether your father was happy. You’re basing this solely on your mothers version of events. No person who is happy in a relationship begins an affair with someone else. In all honesty, you do sound naive. You have this idea that all was rosey in the garden until this other woman came along and somehow your dad is to blame for all of it. I don’t condone cheating. At all. He should have left before beginning anything with his new partner, but they are married now, with children of their own and have stuck the rest of time. You sound like you’d benefit from some therapy to work through the resentment you harbour. What was the alternative in your eyes? That your dad remain married to your mum but spend the rest of his life unhappy to please you both? And now you’re happy to ask him for money but refuse to allow him to meet his grandchildren?

Absolutely this. Responsible adults do not involve their 10 year old children in the details of the marriage breakdown. They do their best to support maintaining a good relationship with both parents rather than trying to appropriate blame to one parent or the other. That’s putting the child’s needs first.

Social media in 2007?

regardless of under 13 most adults were still on friends reunited. Facebook was a baby, Instagram and Snapchat a twinkle in a developers eye.

there is no way o/p was finding photos on “social media” in 2007.

either she’s misremembering, or has been manipulated by her mum, or there’s a hole in her story big enough for several elephants.

I had social media in 2007? Facebook was definitely around then

Many, many people split up and keep healthy relationships with their kids. Your mum should have been encouraging you to do the same with your dad.

Look what has happened. You’re still bitter and can’t ‘forgive’ him. You need to either move on and forget him, or come to terms with what has happened and have a relationship with your dad.

The fact that you still sound so angry about it suggests you probably should talk to him. Maybe you'll scream, maybe you'll be stoic, but that anger won't go away if you do nothing then he dies.

It’s interesting that the OP is still following the pattern her mother set in relation to money. His contribution is limited to money. And it’s expected he will contribute because he must pay for what he’s done. Literally.

Yes, it was released to the wider public in sept 2006. You would need to be reasonably tech savvy, and have access to a computer.

instagram etc did not exist until 2010.

first gen iphone in 2007.

there is no way a 10 year old would know about facebook without an adult’s input. They would have to have used a family computer to access it, and be able to navigate search engines and web browsers.

then you need to consider the dad and gf would need to be able to navigate Facebook, upload via a sd card from a digital camera… and have enough friends on Facebook to comment.

possible, but unlikely.

Your emotional processing of this is still at 10 years (that is not meant as a criticism) and you need to be able to move that on.

This.

With the greatest of respect, you are being very unreasonable. You should never have been armed with information about the ins and outs of your parents relationship/breakup at 10 years old. The thing about children is that they aren't mature enough to understand nuance or the complexities of adult relationships. They can also be emotionally manipulated to take sides very easily. You made a decision, as a child, based on your mother's side of the story.

Now, as an adult, do you seriously believe that two people should stay together unhappily for the sake of the children? Does that make for a happy home life? Do you believe that someone who has an affair is always a treacherous, horrific excuse for a human - or do you understand that otherwise decent people can make mistakes when they are young/struggling/unhappy etc? Sometimes people just marry and/or have kids with the wrong person and are too cowardly to end their primary relationship before starting a new one. Happy people do not leave their family homes 'just for sex'.

My own mother had an affair which caused my parents' breakup - I was 8 when this happened and now I'm 26. The difference was that I was only told (I asked my dad) when I was 20 and, being an adult, I was able to process it in a rational way. I am closer to my dad than my mum and always will be, but I don't vilify her for her actions because I know there is his side, her side and the truth. She was still there for me (like your dad wanted to be for you!) and their relationship was/is nothing to do with me.

Often the best perspective you can seek one from someone who isn't emotionally tied to the situation. So from where I'm sitting, your father didn't abandon you - he left your mother because he didn't want to be with her anymore. Of course your mother is going to say they were happy, because that fits her narrative - he is an awful disgusting man who abandoned his happy family and kids. He hurt her terribly - what do you think she wanted for him? It's a tale as old as time - the scorned partner uses the child as a battering ram.
You tried to make him choose and he, rightly so, did not allow himself to be manipulated by a child. If he had, where would it have stopped? Do you think you would have accepted an alternative woman, or would you have dug your heels in over anyone who wasn't your mother?

I'm afraid your mother seems to have used you as a weapon in this instance. Maybe in a few years your own relationship will break down (hopefully not!) and you'll realize how immature your mindset still is. Or alternatively you could seek therapy and work through it now so that you can have a relationship with your father/siblings. Life really is too short to hold onto things in this way!

Depends what they do/did for a living.

Due to my job and social circles we were always looking at the next new tech thing plus the legalities around it.

Anyway we know the OP had been manipulated by her mother.

This whole thing is very sad, even now as an adult you can't seem to see the situation through an adults eyes. Sounds like your mum did a fine job at turning you away from your dad, you still seem to hang onto her every word. I also find it bizarre that you can't see that your mum did the exact same thing, you were her second family, yet in your eyes this is fine somehow? Your parents broke up and your dad moved on, did you expect him to stay with your mum when he wasn't happy/missing something in his relationship to keep you happy? One of my close friends had her parents do this, they stayed together until she left for uni, not speaking but living in the same house, my friend wishes her parents had broken up 8 years earlier when their marriage was clearly over. Both parents remarried and are happy now. She said it was an awful atmosphere to grow up in and was of no benefit to anyone. You are imagining that if your parents stayed together they'd have been a happy family, highly unlikely. People in a happy marriage do not stray, they just don't. You saying they were happy, well probably on the surface to a child or people looking in, but they were probably having issues you would not be aware of.

I think seeking some therapy would be the best course of action for you. I could understand you hating your dad if he was abusive or something but holding so much resentment for him for leaving and starting a family isn't normal, at 25 I'd expect you to have more of an adults view of the situation, it's like you are still 10.

It wasn't Facebook. She is a few years younger than him so about 25/26 at the time I believe so she would have been tech savvy. Also a lot of people had MySpace and think it used to be public as opposed to Facebook accounts that users can lock down. She was very easy to find as she was a musician. So was very easy to see pictures etc. He made a complete new circle of friends including her and basically started a new life acting as though he was 25 again.

What is gained from holding onto bitterness? It won't impact him.

Well your dad didn’t go about things in the best way. If you’re unhappy in a relationship it’s always best to leave and let the dust settle properly before starting a new one.

But he didn’t actually do anything wrong in leaving your Mum (not you) or having a new relationship. Unfortunately, child you didn’t see it that way, but now you’re an adult surely things seem different?

I will also add, OP, that this forum is primarily occupied by women - many of whom may have been cheated on. They have felt the pain that your mother felt. MN is notorious for being harsh on men, if anything - posters here, generally, will not stand in a man's corner unjustly.

I am very similar to you - parental affair, breakup, new blended families on both sides, same age. The only difference between us is how our respective parents behaved all those years ago.

The point that I'm trying to make is that no one here has an agenda in saying that what your mother did was very wrong. You are stuck in that 10 year old mindset because of manipulation. The situation is so, so sad.

Everyone has a right to leave a relationship they're unhappy in. However he sounds like he did it badly and is a terrible father, leaving a shit ton of pain in his wake. Sadly people are very indulgent of poor fathers so you'll get a lot of guilt tripping and suggesting that you're being immature, unreasonable and unfair. You're not. Whether your feelings are helpful to your wellbeing is a different matter entirely, but they're not unreasonable.

Also by all means take money from him. It's the least he could do after being a shit father. Don't let people make you feel guilty about that. They're not going to replace the money or offer your anything so their opinion means very little.

I can’t imagine how you feel as i have never been in your position, however, i can feel the pain and hurt from all those years ago in your post, how would your mum feel if you had a relationship with your dad now, you’re obviously never going to be as close with him as with your mum, that said, you are 25 with a family of your own now, it’s time for you to put your feelings first,whether that be with or without your dad, i genuinely hope you manage to find a way through this, i mean this in the kindest way possible, maybe some counselling would help you let go of the hurt. I’ve had it and it does help, take care and good luck. X

Also agree with PPs saying it would be exacrly the same as your brothers begrudging your existence, hating your mum for breaking up their family.

Would you actually have liked it if your dad had taken you with him?

Yes he did but I ignored him mostly and also my mum told him to back off and leave me alone. He could have then taken mum to court couldn't he? How ever, as he didn't do this; clearly did not want to see me that much.

Oh come on OP, are you seriously saying you'd have been happy if he'd taken your mum to court for custody and put you both through that, given all these signals and the ultimatum you gave him?

As an adult you should be able to recognise that there is nothing he could have done that wouldn't have had you fuming, because you were just angry at him for leaving. It doesn't sound like he put a foot wrong after that point, and it wasn't unreasonable of him to leave.

What really sticks out to me is that you were only 10, yet you say ‘me and my mum had our suspicions…’. This implies your mum involved you in matters she should have been shielding you from. And the fact you want money from your dad, but nothing else.

I think you would benefit from therapy as it seems to have been a very damaging experience due to the way it was handled.

@jesseastmids
"Dacadactyl
Do your brothers hold your existence against you then OP?

No, why would they? When my Mum left their dad they stayed with her. She did not leave them, also they still see their dad and always did"

So it was okay for your mum to leave her first husband/partner, but not okay for your dad to leave his first wife? Slight double standard there!

Just interpreting your timeline, your DM and DD were together for 11 years, you were 10/11 when he left, so they had you fairly quickly after meeting? Do you know how long she had been separated from her first husband/partner before getting together with DD and having you?

How would you feel if your DBs had given their mother the ultimatum, it's him or us? Doesn't feel comfortable when the shoe is on the other foot, does it? DD didn't abandon you, he left a relationship which was unhappy, in the same was as DM did. Happy relationships don't break down; at least one of the participants isn't happy.