To think that it’s rude to ask to stay at someone’s house and…

[OatMilkLattes]

Not take no for an answer/make it difficult to say no?

I live in a 1 bedroom very open plan flat/studio with my partner. You have to walk through our bedroom to use the loo. It’s a lovely flat, but not designed to have people to stay really. It’s fine when he’s away, I can have friends to stay and it’s a bit more comfortable.

I have a couple of friends who always want to stay with me. I live in a very good location. And of course, if I had an extra bedroom or even just a little more privacy, it perhaps wouldn’t be an issue.

I had to tell a bit of a white lie to a friend yesterday as she was literally insisting she didn’t care about sleeping anywhere in my flat (on the hard floor!). I told her it wouldn’t work because my partner is up at 7am working from home (not a lie). She said that was fine she’d just lay on the sofa whilst he worked?! She made it difficult so I basically had to make up we were ill.

Partner then posts on Instagram of us out and about last night clearly not ill and I get a very shitty text off friend, which I get, I shouldn’t have lied. But if I’d have said ‘sorry we just don’t want you staying, full stop’, it would have also gone down badly!

But AIBU to think that unless someone is asking you to stay with them, you don’t assume it’s fine to stay at other peoples houses? I feel mean but she’s not the only friend like this and it’s really starting to irritate me!

I find it really hard to believe how anyone can be that badly brought up, or have that little regard for other people's feelings, actually.

Some people will have been brought up to believe this is an entirely appropriate way to behave and ignoring social conventions is the way to acquire free holidays/meals etc.

How many threads on MN are about people who were told, 'No' but turn up anyway. It works for them and (sometimes) it's not unusual for people to turn a social circle against the person who says, 'No' and sticks to it.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4624579-cf-acquaintance-turned-up-today-despite-refusing-invite

OP, I think it would help you to differentiate

'this feels rude'
'this is rude'

It feels really uncomfortable to say no without qualification or excuse, but it isn't objectively rude, or at least, it is no more rude than saying yes. You're being asked 'can you accommodate'. If there's only one acceptable answer, you're not really being asked a question, you're being told what to do with your own property/space/company. That's rude.

People pleasing is hard to unlearn but it's so worth it - weirdly, you develop a greater capacity to actually please people (in a good, boundaried, friendly way) because you don't feel resentful and trampled all the time.

There's a reason she has nowhere else to stay. She could probably benefit from feedback as she doesn't seem to get people's signals.

You don’t explain to your children why you’re saying no? Wow.

When I was a child, one of the few things I resented was being told "Because I say so", without explanation or right of reply. When I had children of my own, I vowed that I would never ever say that to them. If I did have to say no, I always made a point of explaining why.