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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that it’s rude to ask to stay at someone’s house and…

104 replies

OatMilkLattes · 29/12/2022 14:56

Not take no for an answer/make it difficult to say no?

I live in a 1 bedroom very open plan flat/studio with my partner. You have to walk through our bedroom to use the loo. It’s a lovely flat, but not designed to have people to stay really. It’s fine when he’s away, I can have friends to stay and it’s a bit more comfortable.

I have a couple of friends who always want to stay with me. I live in a very good location. And of course, if I had an extra bedroom or even just a little more privacy, it perhaps wouldn’t be an issue.

I had to tell a bit of a white lie to a friend yesterday as she was literally insisting she didn’t care about sleeping anywhere in my flat (on the hard floor!). I told her it wouldn’t work because my partner is up at 7am working from home (not a lie). She said that was fine she’d just lay on the sofa whilst he worked?! She made it difficult so I basically had to make up we were ill.

Partner then posts on Instagram of us out and about last night clearly not ill and I get a very shitty text off friend, which I get, I shouldn’t have lied. But if I’d have said ‘sorry we just don’t want you staying, full stop’, it would have also gone down badly!

But AIBU to think that unless someone is asking you to stay with them, you don’t assume it’s fine to stay at other peoples houses? I feel mean but she’s not the only friend like this and it’s really starting to irritate me!

OP posts:
Rogue1001MNer · 29/12/2022 16:08

Everyone's saying friend is a CF.
And I agree she might well be

Particularly the not taking no for an answer as well as the berating text (ok, I agree friend IS a CF!)

But I just want to throw into the midst the suggestion that MAYBE the CF also really likes spending time with @OatMilkLattes
Especially if they don't live in same location.
Perhaps CF could stay with another friend, but want extra time/one on one time with OP???

Just a suggestion

wackamole · 29/12/2022 16:09

I think you need a hard "no" up front, as soon as the topic is raised. No explanations, no details, no justifications, no excuses - you've seen that this friend will treat any of those as an opening point for a pointless, time-wasting negotiation that you don't want. So it's just "sorry, that won't be possible" and then don't entertain the topic at all. If being blunt is too uncomfortable, be obtuse: when she says even one more word about staying after your "no", switch straight to "perhaps you could stay with Lucy" or "have you looked at the Devonshire Hotel 'round the corner - they're very reasonable on weeknights" or "you could get get the last train home if you leave by 11". And you're right, you shouldn't have to do all that, but only you can know if it's worth ending the friendship over. (I'm assuming this isn't an emergency situation, where you might be unreasonable NOT to make an exception).

ShandaLear · 29/12/2022 16:10

Own it. “Of course I lied, Sandra. You put us in an awful position because you kept asking us to stay even though we told you no three times. Why wouldn’t you listen when we told you it was inconvenient? Look, we get asked to host people ALL the time. We feel like people are using us as an AirBnB, but we have jobs and lives here, and the flat is clearly not set up as a comfortable space for us to host. There’s no privacy and everyone is on top of each other all the time - and it’s exhausting for us. So while we love seeing you and our other friends, we just can’t host when both of us are here.”

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/12/2022 16:12

OatMilkLattes · 29/12/2022 15:25

Because she has no where else to stay in the area - she was coming to see me and a handful of other friends for 2 days. Not sure why she couldn’t stay with the other friends or in a air bnb but this happens every time.

Show quote history

Maybe the other friends are firmer with their 'no'?

She continued arguing despite your 'no'. Maybe shut it down with something along the lines of 'I said no. This is not a negotiation. No means no.' Because that what she's trying to do - negotiate her way to a 'yes'. She doesn't care if the 'yes' is reluctant! Bluntness is required in such situations.

Start with responding to her shitty text with a 'I said you couldn't stay and I meant it. I shouldn't have to invent illness for you to accept me saying no, but it was the only thing you did accept. Maybe have a think about your own behaviour here.'

She's not a real friend.Sad

billy1966 · 29/12/2022 16:14

Something that I have found affective after saying No to someone who has difficulty accepting it, is to no longer engage with the conversation.

As in, cease to reply.

You said "No that doesn't suit etc".

There is nothing else to say don't get into a back and forth.

It really works.😁

What some people don't realise is that having people over a lot to a small space is a huge intrusion, so you only really end up doing it for the closest of the close.

Fleurdaisy · 29/12/2022 16:14

TrentCrimm · 29/12/2022 15:20

Some people just have 6 inch thick skin!

Just say 'listen, I love you but we're not doing overnight stays from now on as we're just not set up for it'.

Nothing specific that they can counter with.

This. Some people you just have to state the obvious to!

PrinceHaz · 29/12/2022 16:17

The cheeky person is employing the same tactics as a cold caller trying to sell you something or a Jehovah’s Witness. Any reason given for the refusal can be challenged.
To shut a cold caller down, you give no explanation, you just say no. In this case, you say, “it’s not possible” and leave it at that. Then repeat and don’t rise to them asking why. If you feel tempted to crumble, just think about how preposterous it would be if you were in their shoes and you started challenging their decision. You wouldn’t do it and neither should they.

Abigail69 · 29/12/2022 16:17

OP
Being open and honest is always the best way forward. The impact of this initially can be a bit off putting to some at times but after that, you are better mates/etc/etc

Branleuse · 29/12/2022 16:19

Id tell her that theres no point acting shitty with you, when its her that made this awkward by refusing to take no for an answer. That you love seeing her but its a no for overnighters, and to stop acting as if noones ever said no to her before.

Splonker · 29/12/2022 16:19

You need to grow some balls & keep repeating a flat no. I had my own cheeky fucker before xmas who asked me SEVEN fucking times. By the end of it I realised I didn't need to keep inventing excuses. No means no.

RandomPerson42 · 29/12/2022 16:21

She was weird, you ask once and that’s it.
Badgering you is not cool.

dcut · 29/12/2022 16:22

Going forward just say a clear no to anyone who asks. Just say we aren't hosting anyone anymore because it doesn't work for us in this flat. Suggest a hotel nearby or an airbnb or that they travel back the same day. Whatever they say just keep saying "As I've said, we aren't hosting overnight guests any more".
A true friend will understand why it's not possible and will find somewhere else to see.
But I suspect several of these "friends" are just wanting a cheap crash pad in the city.

toocold54 · 29/12/2022 16:23

Nobody can make it difficult for you to say no if you actually properly say no.

I agree.

Beating around the bush isn’t going to get the message across or she’ll think you want her to stay but can’t for X reasons and so she’s going to keep finding solutions for X reasons.

Saying no properly is going to cause you less stress for both of you in the long run.

KousaMahshi · 29/12/2022 16:29

toocold54 · 29/12/2022 15:25

YANBU but you lied and if I was her I’d be reconsidering the friendship.

You should have just said “no sorry you can’t”.

Not made up a lie which is a shitty thing to do.

You'd be reconsidering the friendship because you were so rude and obnoxious to your friend that they felt they had no choice but to lie to make your endless pushing stop?
You shoudl reconsider all hyour friendships if that is your attitude. In the unlikely event of youj having any

ProfessionalWeirdo · 29/12/2022 16:32

She was coming to see me and a handful of other friends for 2 days. Not sure why she couldn’t stay with the other friends or in a air bnb but this happens every time.

Maybe because those other options would have cost money?

Nobody can make it difficult for you to say no if you actually properly say no... But it's extraordinary how many women seem incapable of doing so.

That could be because women are generally expected to do everything that's asked of them, and to always put their own needs last. That's certainly the way I was brought up. I was expected to say yes to everything I was asked to do, and was accused of being "dead mean" if I even questioned it (refusing wasn't an option). I was well into middle age before I realised that it's ok to say no occasionally.

ColdHandsHotHead · 29/12/2022 16:35

EVHead · 29/12/2022 15:03

“No, that doesn’t work for us just now.”
”Not at the moment.”
”It’s not convenient right now.”

Choose one and repeat. No excuses, no explanation, no white lies.

These replies all offer new arguments such is 'if not now, then when'. OP you need to be definite. I had a long discussion with my oldest friend who wanted to stay while I had builders in. I just said 'No. Impossible. Sorry.'

Yabado · 29/12/2022 16:37

Just ask her what part of No doesn’t she understand .
i get it I don’t like to be rude
So if I can’t say no I just blame it on my husband or say “ oh you need to ask him
😂 no one would dare to argue or push it with him

MrsPutnamNaomiDarling · 29/12/2022 16:38

If she found somewhere else to stay, were you going to make a miraculous recovery so you could go out with your friends?

Mince314s · 29/12/2022 16:46

There are different types of people in the world:
1.People who drop hints to be polite instead of just saying no and then get annoyed others don't get it. Solved by just saying no.

  1. People who hear "no because" as a problem to be solved and try to solve it. Solved by just saying no.
  2. People who hear no because and don't give a damn about the other person's feelings so walk over them. Solved by just saying no.
Menomenon · 29/12/2022 16:46

YABU because the problem is you lied and got caught. Not the friend.

Life is full of people who can’t take No, or who really genuinely think it will be fun for both of you if they stay on your sofa. You can’t educate them all in social niceties or throw your hands up when they don’t understand subtle hints.

What is needed is clear communication, and that is completely within your control, OP: Sorry No’ ‘No, not this time’ ‘That won’t work for us’ ‘No, we can’t do that’. It is part of being a successfully functioning adult.

Ijuststoodonlego · 29/12/2022 16:49

ShandaLear · 29/12/2022 16:10

Own it. “Of course I lied, Sandra. You put us in an awful position because you kept asking us to stay even though we told you no three times. Why wouldn’t you listen when we told you it was inconvenient? Look, we get asked to host people ALL the time. We feel like people are using us as an AirBnB, but we have jobs and lives here, and the flat is clearly not set up as a comfortable space for us to host. There’s no privacy and everyone is on top of each other all the time - and it’s exhausting for us. So while we love seeing you and our other friends, we just can’t host when both of us are here.”

This is a good way to tackle it^

I have a family member (DH side of family) like this. Drives me mad because he is passive aggressive towards me.

Told my DH under no circumstance does he need an emergency place to stay ever again (on his way to somewhere more important).

These people are annoying as fuck and need a firm no. DH has agreed he's going to be firmer next time he cheekily asks.

FrankTheCondor · 29/12/2022 16:50

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

TirisfalPumpkin · 29/12/2022 16:50

Not making excuses is really, really hard. It's almost hard-wired that we have to have a rationale for why we don't want something to happen. You actually don't though. 'Sorry, that doesn't work for us' - then stop talking. It feels really unnatural but it's effective.

Well, that or 'sorry, we have an hour of tantric morning sex before DH starts work'

Schoolchoicesucks · 29/12/2022 16:53

ShandaLear · 29/12/2022 16:10

Own it. “Of course I lied, Sandra. You put us in an awful position because you kept asking us to stay even though we told you no three times. Why wouldn’t you listen when we told you it was inconvenient? Look, we get asked to host people ALL the time. We feel like people are using us as an AirBnB, but we have jobs and lives here, and the flat is clearly not set up as a comfortable space for us to host. There’s no privacy and everyone is on top of each other all the time - and it’s exhausting for us. So while we love seeing you and our other friends, we just can’t host when both of us are here.”

Yes, I think it's right to apologise for lying but explain why you did. And next time don't lie, just say no even if it's awkward.

SewingBees · 29/12/2022 16:53

I don't know if this comes across as rude, and I don't really care, but if I've answered someone's question and they keep on trying to change my mind I just point out that I've already answered their question, and keep repeating until they drop it.