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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that it’s rude to ask to stay at someone’s house and…

104 replies

OatMilkLattes · 29/12/2022 14:56

Not take no for an answer/make it difficult to say no?

I live in a 1 bedroom very open plan flat/studio with my partner. You have to walk through our bedroom to use the loo. It’s a lovely flat, but not designed to have people to stay really. It’s fine when he’s away, I can have friends to stay and it’s a bit more comfortable.

I have a couple of friends who always want to stay with me. I live in a very good location. And of course, if I had an extra bedroom or even just a little more privacy, it perhaps wouldn’t be an issue.

I had to tell a bit of a white lie to a friend yesterday as she was literally insisting she didn’t care about sleeping anywhere in my flat (on the hard floor!). I told her it wouldn’t work because my partner is up at 7am working from home (not a lie). She said that was fine she’d just lay on the sofa whilst he worked?! She made it difficult so I basically had to make up we were ill.

Partner then posts on Instagram of us out and about last night clearly not ill and I get a very shitty text off friend, which I get, I shouldn’t have lied. But if I’d have said ‘sorry we just don’t want you staying, full stop’, it would have also gone down badly!

But AIBU to think that unless someone is asking you to stay with them, you don’t assume it’s fine to stay at other peoples houses? I feel mean but she’s not the only friend like this and it’s really starting to irritate me!

OP posts:
indie123 · 29/12/2022 16:54

I get both sides

she’s annoyed you lied, you felt you needed to lie as she wasn’t getting it

Next time be firm. ‘No this won’t work’/‘ ‘No you can’t, sorry’. Any further pushing and I’d ignore

FinallyHere · 29/12/2022 16:55

OatMilkLattes · 29/12/2022 15:00

Even if I said ‘I am uncomfortable’ it would be ‘you won’t know I’m here, I’ll creep around’. It does my head in!

That's why it's best not to give excuses when you have to say 'no' to anything. Just sorry, that won't work gives them nothing to argue against.

tuvamoodyson · 29/12/2022 16:55

‘No…you can’t stay, it’s not convenient for us’ don’t give reasons ‘it’s because…’ just be firm. Don’t involved in any back and forth about it, if she continues to whine on about it, keep repeating ‘no, you can’t stay, it’s not convenient for us’ She can’t force her way in!

stopthebarking · 29/12/2022 16:55

That would make me either very anxious or very annoyed. I can't stand pushy people! If she or others won't take no for an answer, I'd stop engaging with them altogether! (Easy for me to say, because I'm happier without the bother of many extraneous people in my life, but it sounds like you might be happier without these particular "friends", anyway.)

icelollycraving · 29/12/2022 16:56

I’d reply and say well yes you silly arse, you wouldn’t listen to no! Our flat is not comfortable for visitors when we are both here. Dh works from home, sometimes on zoom, he doesn’t want a sleeping person in view on the sofa. We enjoy you coming to see everyone but I’m sure there are people set up for it better to put you up.

Susurrar · 29/12/2022 16:56

OP you just have to say no with no excuses to back it up. Excuses can be countered and you don’t need that.
I have a friend who kept on trying to invite himself to mine, with the whole family (3 DC, 2 adults). Because of the distance, he indicated it would be for 4 or 5 nights. There is no way I could cope, we only have 1 spare bedroom and I can’t cope with people sleeping in the living room. I didn’t want it to go all wrong between us because he is part of my broader friendship group but eventually I had to tell him that I’d be happy to host 2 adults for a couple of nights but nothing more than that. After a tiny bit of huffing and puffing, he had to move on.

Ineedtosleep79 · 29/12/2022 17:04

She should have taken the hint after you said your husband had to start work at 7am. Can't stand pushy ppl (unless she is desperate and in a bad situation for some reason).

Walkaround · 29/12/2022 17:14

It is definitely rude to invite yourself into someone else’s home and not take no for an answer. She also sounds more interested in the location than the company - is it near good nightlife? That would explain the willingness to have an uncomfortable night’s sleep on a hard floor and pretend she won’t be an annoying pain in the arse if she lounges around on the sofa in someone else’s workspace.

Have you stayed the night at hers before and if so, often, or hardly ever? Tbh, I think the answer to that would affect my reaction to her annoyance about your lie, as if she has hosted you many times before, I can see how she could have become a bit pushy about staying with you without it coming across as quite so leech-like.

thecatsthecats · 29/12/2022 17:14

Mince314s · 29/12/2022 16:46

There are different types of people in the world:
1.People who drop hints to be polite instead of just saying no and then get annoyed others don't get it. Solved by just saying no.

  1. People who hear "no because" as a problem to be solved and try to solve it. Solved by just saying no.
  2. People who hear no because and don't give a damn about the other person's feelings so walk over them. Solved by just saying no.

To be fair, I don't mind offering options or conditions myself, because some people are reasonable - and some are really easily put off by conditions.

For example I used to have my sister stay over one night a week when she was working in the area, to save her the commute one evening /morning a week. We needed to pause the arrangement for a fortnight because my husband had exams, but she took it as a hint to end the arrangement, which was a real shame.

itisntmuch · 29/12/2022 17:22

KousaMahshi · 29/12/2022 15:02

YABU, because you just need to actually no. Don't hint, don't make things up, just say NO, you cannot stay, that doesn't work for me.

Nobody can make it difficult for you to say no if you actually properly say no.

Its easy for some and almost impossible for others to say this .

The ones who find it hard to say no, always seem to have the pushy, won't take no as an answer friend.

I find it really hard to say no and lie all the time, its a shitter if you get found out, at that point you just have to be as honest as possible- a good friend would understand , a shit friend wont

Original poster
OatMilkLattes · 29/12/2022 17:27

No I have never stayed with her/she has never invited me!

She does work away a lot though so is always here, there and everywhere.

I used to have a larger flat, further out of the city with two bedrooms. She stayed with me once there and once when I was living with another friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
OatMilkLattes · 29/12/2022 17:29

I totally get what people are saying about just saying no. I just feel rude. And I am a very anxious person and a people pleaser! I know that’s not her fault, and I should have just said no. But it is difficult.

I don’t think I know of anyone who would just say no without an excuse actually…

OP posts:
ProfessionalWeirdo · 29/12/2022 17:37

I don’t think I know of anyone who would just say no without an excuse actually…

Come to think of it, neither do I. It probably doesn't help that most people respond to the answer "No" with the question "Why not?"

Original poster
OatMilkLattes · 29/12/2022 17:41

ProfessionalWeirdo · 29/12/2022 17:37

I don’t think I know of anyone who would just say no without an excuse actually…

Come to think of it, neither do I. It probably doesn't help that most people respond to the answer "No" with the question "Why not?"

Exactly.

I would just feel so rude sending ‘No, sorry that doesn’t work for us’ after having a friend ask to stay 😩 I always need to tell them why.

OP posts:
Schoolchoicesucks · 29/12/2022 17:42

OatMilkLattes · 29/12/2022 17:29

I totally get what people are saying about just saying no. I just feel rude. And I am a very anxious person and a people pleaser! I know that’s not her fault, and I should have just said no. But it is difficult.

I don’t think I know of anyone who would just say no without an excuse actually…

But you do have an excuse and you did give an excuse.

Of course you should be able to say no without giving one (if you want to), but "not having the space" and "dh having to work" are both very valid excuses - reasons- why she couldn't stay. Not wanting to be inconvenienced by having guests stay, the house being cramped with an extra person, losing your privacy. All valid reasons.

"It's nothing personal, we just like our own space."

TangledWebofMincemeatDeception · 29/12/2022 17:44

Just say it in slightly more polite terms, then. Doesn't change the fundamental message:

Ah so sorry, we really can't accommodate you! I love to see you but our place is just too small so it doesn't work for us to have people to stay. Hope you find somewhere convenient.

quinceh · 29/12/2022 17:45

I don’t think you needed to lie about being ill
etc, but she was unreasonable to push it as she did. Tell people straight that you cant
accommodate guests and suggest Air BNB, Premier Inn or whatever.

OooScotland · 29/12/2022 17:48

I hate it when you say ‘NO’ and they start all that ‘oh its OK I’ll sleep on the floor’ nonsense.

SanFairyAnnie · 29/12/2022 17:48

Or do as Ministers do in the House of Commons
"I refer you to my previous answer"

Imobsessedwithsuccesion · 29/12/2022 18:29

OatMilkLattes · 29/12/2022 17:29

I totally get what people are saying about just saying no. I just feel rude. And I am a very anxious person and a people pleaser! I know that’s not her fault, and I should have just said no. But it is difficult.

I don’t think I know of anyone who would just say no without an excuse actually…

I started doing it this year and it's so liberating OP, the one time I forgot the person did the 'trying to work their way round me' thing. No thanks is all you need. Anything else and they can try to get round you, as you've seen.

DreamingOfAGreenChristmas · 29/12/2022 18:44

I would just feel so rude sending ‘No, sorry that doesn’t work for us’ after having a friend ask to stay 😩 I always need to tell them why.

Fine, tell them why and mean it. “Because DP is working and doesn’t want guests asleep on the sofa / overhearing his calls. It isn’t possible, and that’s that. On this occasion, you can’t stay”. If they push “I know what you think, but I have given you the answer and that’s that!”

Do you not think People who push like this can take an equal push back? Why are you more afraid of their feelings than they are of yours?

Bloody hell, when / if you have kids you will need to learn to say ‘no means no and that’s the end of it’ , might as well practice now.

FuntCase · 29/12/2022 19:25

Bloody hell, when / if you have kids you will need to learn to say ‘no means no and that’s the end of it’ , might as well practice now.
You don’t explain to your children why you’re saying no? Wow.

2bazookas · 29/12/2022 20:22

Tell your friend " You kept asking after I'd refused, and you wouldn;t take no for an answer. You were being a PITA so I lied to put you off. Don't ever ask to stay again. "

When people ask, just say right away  "  Nlo, I'm afraid not.  It makes too many problems for us so we've  decided no more  overnight guests ".

If they persist you say " Did you not hear me? I said no."

ChimChimeny · 29/12/2022 20:24

FuntCase · 29/12/2022 19:25

Bloody hell, when / if you have kids you will need to learn to say ‘no means no and that’s the end of it’ , might as well practice now.
You don’t explain to your children why you’re saying no? Wow.

Of course but if DD keeps pushing (like this friend did) then I'll say 'I've said no, stop asking, we're not talking about it anymore'

scaredoff · 29/12/2022 20:55

ProfessionalWeirdo · 29/12/2022 17:37

I don’t think I know of anyone who would just say no without an excuse actually…

Come to think of it, neither do I. It probably doesn't help that most people respond to the answer "No" with the question "Why not?"

Really?

If I asked someone if I could stay at their place, and they said "no", I would NEVER respond "why not?" It's just unbelievably, unacceptably rude. Complete failure to acknowledge the other person's right over their own stuff and privacy, and willingness to make them feel uncomfortable for my benefit. I find it really hard to believe how anyone can be that badly brought up, or have that little regard for other people's feelings, actually.