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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that it’s rude to ask to stay at someone’s house and…

104 replies

OatMilkLattes · 29/12/2022 14:56

Not take no for an answer/make it difficult to say no?

I live in a 1 bedroom very open plan flat/studio with my partner. You have to walk through our bedroom to use the loo. It’s a lovely flat, but not designed to have people to stay really. It’s fine when he’s away, I can have friends to stay and it’s a bit more comfortable.

I have a couple of friends who always want to stay with me. I live in a very good location. And of course, if I had an extra bedroom or even just a little more privacy, it perhaps wouldn’t be an issue.

I had to tell a bit of a white lie to a friend yesterday as she was literally insisting she didn’t care about sleeping anywhere in my flat (on the hard floor!). I told her it wouldn’t work because my partner is up at 7am working from home (not a lie). She said that was fine she’d just lay on the sofa whilst he worked?! She made it difficult so I basically had to make up we were ill.

Partner then posts on Instagram of us out and about last night clearly not ill and I get a very shitty text off friend, which I get, I shouldn’t have lied. But if I’d have said ‘sorry we just don’t want you staying, full stop’, it would have also gone down badly!

But AIBU to think that unless someone is asking you to stay with them, you don’t assume it’s fine to stay at other peoples houses? I feel mean but she’s not the only friend like this and it’s really starting to irritate me!

OP posts:

MXVIT · 29/12/2022 15:27

i had this when i lived in a capital city, always got the feeling people were using me as an airbnb rather than wanting to spend time with me, this is whats happening here, youre being useed.

melj1213 · 29/12/2022 15:29

TBH when she text you to "call you out" I would have been honest and told her you lied because she couldn't take the hint.

"Look CF, I am sorry for lying to you, however you kept asking to stay at my flat and despite me saying no repeatedly you kept pushing and it was making me feel awkward so I felt I had no choice. I didn't want to be rude but you just weren't taking the hint that you staying at my flat wasn't going to happen so I resorted to a white lie in the hope of preventing any more awkwardness. Unfortunately this backfired when DP posted our pics online and outed my lie but it does now give me the opportunity to clarify the situation once and for all. Please do not ask to stay at my flat as it puts us both in an awkward situation, especially when you don't accept my "no"."

jtaeapa · 29/12/2022 15:32

just reply to the text saying that you tried to tell her that staying didn’t work for you but she was very pushy and wouldn’t accept no for an answer so you felt forced to lie. Dont be a peacekeeper as she will keep on doing it. She’s sent you a shitty text - send one back.

the mark of a true CF is when they don’t get their own cheeky way and then berate the person who didn’t do their bidding. Your friend is a true Cf

CantFindTheBeat · 29/12/2022 15:34

"Because she has no where else to stay in the area - she was coming to see me and a handful of other friends for 2 days. Not sure why she couldn’t stay with the other friends or in a air bnb but this happens every time."

There's your answer, OP.

A: she's tight, and B: her other friends are better at saying no to you!

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 29/12/2022 15:34

Send her an honest reply.

You wouldn't take no for an answer so I lied to stop you asking. Try listening when someone says no!

You don't actually want to live the rest of your life making this up to her, do you?

ChimChimeny · 29/12/2022 15:35

you tried to tell her that staying didn’t work for you but she was very pushy and wouldn’t accept no for an answer so you felt forced to lie

This.is really.good, and if she gets the hump and tells tales to to your mutual friends you.can ask them why they don't have her to stay

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/12/2022 15:36

OatMilkLattes · 29/12/2022 15:16

Thing is I didn’t even hint, I said -

‘sorry won’t work for us, DP is working very early’

She said she’d just stay anyway but be really quiet and sleep in.

I said, again, sorry not going to work because DP has calls.

She said she’ll just lay on the sofa then resting?

I feel like I said no, twice 😐

You didn't say 'no'. You said 'no because'. 'No because' leaves wiggle room to argue the 'because'.

If she's thick skinned you need to be more. If she asks why you have to more.

"I'll sleep on the floor"
"Why can't you stay with Steve?"
"Why can't I stay at yours?"
"No seriously, what's wrong with Steve's?"

Until she gives up.

RethinkingLife · 29/12/2022 15:37

White lies might have worked in a time before social media but now it requires that not only do you not post photographs, other people in common don't, and there's no likelihood of finding out via someone else.

We're living in a panopticon, there's no point in social lies.

Deathraystare · 29/12/2022 15:39

They seem to think you would be delighted for her to stay. They have no manners. A simple no should have sufficed! I bet if the situation was reversed she would not be happy! They are cheeky fuckers and should be shown the door!

Newwardrobe · 29/12/2022 15:39

I think, instead of saying things like your partner has to work etc , which gives her a chance to say she doesn't mind, just say we don't want anyone staying , people have taken advantage and so we have agreed to no more overnight stays.

grayhairdontcare · 29/12/2022 15:41

Sorry I lied about being Ill but you just wouldn't take no for an answer.
While we remain in this flat , we will never allow anyone to stay over.
Please stop asking and find alternative arrangements.

Beautiful3 · 29/12/2022 15:41

I totally get why you lied. She harassed you, to get you to agree to something you didn't want to do. I've done it before. Just say, " I'm really sorry. I already told you a few times that it wasn't convenient for you to stay over. I told a white lie because you kept asking to stay, to stop you from asking again."

hmmmintereting · 29/12/2022 15:41

If you don't feel comfortable confronting the situation/making it about her, go with something along the lines 'partner and I have agreed not to have people stay over when we're both home, and if I say yes to you it opens it up for him to say yes to his mates and I'm really not keen, because of the toilet situation, sorry'

You shouldn't have to say sorry but you get the gist!

SerenaTee · 29/12/2022 15:41

I’d be upfront with her “Look, I hope you know I’m a pretty honest person but on this occasion, telling you a white lie was the only way for you to accept you couldn’t stay with us. Now is probably a good time for me to clarify that I love catching up with you when you’re in the area but staying at my flat doesn’t work for us. I hope we can move past this and still meet up next time you’re visiting”

dapsnotplimsolls · 29/12/2022 15:43

'Sorry I lied but you wouldn't take no for an answer. Nobody stays over when we are both here.'

honeylulu · 29/12/2022 15:47

Sorry I lied but you wouldn't take no for an answer.

Yes, this.

Though I'm gobsmacked that she saw that you were out, realised that you had lied and then remonstrated with you about it. Anyone else with an ounce of emotional intelligence would have realised you'd lied because you didn't want them to stay, felt a bit stung but kept quiet and learnt a lesson. She's not one of those people! Thick skinned or what?

DreamingOfAGreenChristmas · 29/12/2022 15:48

In general YANBU but this is ridiculous:

I told her it wouldn’t work because my partner is up at 7am working from home (not a lie). She said that was fine she’d just lay on the sofa whilst he worked?! She made it difficult so I basically had to make up we were ill.

The answer to this is “LOL, what are you like? it might be fine for you but it isn’t fine for Dp. During the working week our open plan space is his work environment, and I need to respect that. Sorry, on this occasion it’s No Room At the Inn”

Newmum0322 · 29/12/2022 15:51

Short and sweet.

”I’m sorry I lied, I tried to say no and it got awkward. Staying here just isn’t an option for all the reasons I mentioned, for your sake but also for ours. Hope you understand”!

TangledWebofMincemeatDeception · 29/12/2022 15:52

You have to get used to telling the truth - sorry, that doesn't work for us. And just keep repeating it.

If people want to get hurt/offended that's on them and really isn't your concern, tbh - especially when they clearly don't care that they'd potentially be putting you out or causing issues for you, or making you feel uncomfortable.

scaredoff · 29/12/2022 15:55

Nobody can make it difficult for you to say no if you actually properly say no.

THIS.

But it's extraordinary how many women seem incapable of doing so.

TangledWebofMincemeatDeception · 29/12/2022 15:58

PP is completely right - don't say 'no because...'. That never works with people that won't take a hint. Just keep saying it doesn't work for you - this is the better strategy because a) she can't ignore or argue her way around it and b) it forces the core issue out into the open - that if she keeps insisting it's because she doesn't give a shit that it doesn't work for you.

ThinWomansBrain · 29/12/2022 15:58

Hopefully it will bring things to a head - admit you lied (admit, don't apologise!), but say you only feel driven to it because of her constant badgering and refusal to take "no" for an answer.

ScreamingInfidelities · 29/12/2022 15:59

Just message back “sorry I lied but you staying over didn’t suit us and you wouldn’t take no for an answer”

mathanxiety · 29/12/2022 16:00

The problem is your friend is a completely self absorbed user.

But you need to watch your language.

Just say no. Don't offer a reason. That makes her smell weakness amd press on.

Keep on saying no, with no explanation. If she keeps on pushing, ask her what part of NO she doesn't understand.

scaredoff · 29/12/2022 16:00

The thing about the white lie is that it implies you NEED to lie. That it wouldn't be OK to simply say, "no, it's not convenient for me to have you stay right now", so you need to make up an extra reason. And that reason has to be strong enough to satisfy the person who's decided it's their right to stay in your house.

Once you understand that simply saying no is all that is necessary, you don't need to lie. Not because lying is wrong, but just because there's no reason to. Doing so is buying into the idea that you have to justify yourself, which you don't.

If the friend has a problem being friends with you without feeling entitled to stay in your house whenever they want to, then they have a problem in their fundamental understanding of friendship, and it's up to them to get over that (or not). If they can't, or won't, find another friend.

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