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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU banning MILs DH from our house?

124 replies

ChecoPerez · 29/12/2022 12:46

MIL has been with her partner for around 10 years but only married at the start of this year. To be honest, we never really spent much time with them as they lived 150 miles from us, but moved in the summer and now in the next town.

So recently we have been spending more time with MIL and her new husband, more so since I had my DD this year, however, both me and DH have noticed that her husband is sexist.

He makes comments such as (in reference to female sports commentators) "what does SHE know about sport? Get her away! No women should ever be in (specific) area" of this sport.

We hosted them for Christmas Day dinner this year and at the end of the meal, he pipes up that he's away to sit and watch tv as the kitchen is a women's place for cooking and washing up etc.
what's worse, my DSD who is 11 asked her dad "why does he hate women? Is he always this nasty to them?".

These are just a few examples of what he's said. I could be here all day typing....

Yesterday we spoke to MIL and highlighted this to her and said that both me and DH are uncomfortable with his views and that DSD is picking up on it now which shouldn't be happening. She admitted he is sexist but just ignores it. I said to her that I don't want him in my house if he has such views and I don't want DSD being around it. DH agreed.

MIL sent us loads of texts last night saying we're being so nasty and unreasonable and that he can't help his views as he's European and was brought up like that!! (He's only 1/4 European). She says she's so hurt and she cannot believe we'd do something like this!

Were we being unreasonable in this approach? We cannot talk to him as he is so argumentative.

OP posts:
Tempone · 29/12/2022 12:49

Yanbu he sounds like a prick. No child especially a girl should be exposed to that shite.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 29/12/2022 12:49

Definitely not unreasonable. No idea what she means about him being European, Britain is in Europe and so all British people are European and most are not like that.

He sounds toxic and no way would I have my DD around that, the only way he will learn how abhorrent and wrong his views are is to have people like you take a stand. If your Mum wants to enable him that’s up to her but you’re right not to stand for it yourself.

RabbitHoleOfHell · 29/12/2022 12:49

Your house, your rules. You’re an adult so tell him you find his views offensive.

BethDuttonsTwin · 29/12/2022 12:49

He sounds like an absolute fool but I'd prefer to ridicule and roll my eyes out him and show my DSD how to handle such dinosaurs, rather than create a huge rift by an outright ban.

Original poster
ChecoPerez · 29/12/2022 12:51

MolkosTeenageAngst · 29/12/2022 12:49

Definitely not unreasonable. No idea what she means about him being European, Britain is in Europe and so all British people are European and most are not like that.

He sounds toxic and no way would I have my DD around that, the only way he will learn how abhorrent and wrong his views are is to have people like you take a stand. If your Mum wants to enable him that’s up to her but you’re right not to stand for it yourself.

I don't want to say which country in case it's too outing, but not far from these borders.... Monaco, Switzerland, Austria....

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 29/12/2022 12:51

Didn't you or dh pull him up every time he said crap like that?

EVHead · 29/12/2022 12:51

I’d have called him out over the comments about cooking and washing up. No one gets to act like that in my house!

Stick to your guns.

Original poster
ChecoPerez · 29/12/2022 12:52

Hankunamatata · 29/12/2022 12:51

Didn't you or dh pull him up every time he said crap like that?

I have once and he just laughed at me and carried on. I was too stunned to say anything else.

Problem is, he talks over you to get his point across.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChecoPerez · 29/12/2022 12:53

EVHead · 29/12/2022 12:51

I’d have called him out over the comments about cooking and washing up. No one gets to act like that in my house!

Stick to your guns.

DH tried to tell him on Christmas Day, but he just started taking over him and getting louder. In the end he just walked out the room but he followed. I ended up telling him to be quiet as DD had just gone down for her nap at this point. He just carried on at a lower volume

OP posts:
Lost123454 · 29/12/2022 12:55

MIL's DH, you mean your FIL

MaggieFS · 29/12/2022 12:56

I would have said ignore it to keep the peace until you mentioned DSD. YANBU.

Original poster
ChecoPerez · 29/12/2022 12:57

Lost123454 · 29/12/2022 12:55

MIL's DH, you mean your FIL

DHs parents are divorced. I have an excellent relationship with my DHs dad and he's my FIL.

I don't feel comfortable calling MILs husband FIL, just like my DH won't refer to him as his step dad.

In the eyes of technicalities though.....

OP posts:
HJ40 · 29/12/2022 12:57

Lost123454 · 29/12/2022 12:55

MIL's DH, you mean your FIL

Yes, but not her DH's father presumably, which makes a difference. Your point being...

TeapotTitties · 29/12/2022 12:59

Oh for goodness sake, another "I was too stunned to pull him up". I only ever read this on MN.

YANBU obviously. It's up to you and your DH who you have in your house and I certainly wouldn't have him in mine.

comfyshoes2022 · 29/12/2022 12:59

He sounds awful. I would avoid seeing him but I wouldn’t ban him in the spirit of maintaining a relationship with the MIL.

Original poster
ChecoPerez · 29/12/2022 13:00

TeapotTitties · 29/12/2022 12:59

Oh for goodness sake, another "I was too stunned to pull him up". I only ever read this on MN.

YANBU obviously. It's up to you and your DH who you have in your house and I certainly wouldn't have him in mine.

Oh I'm sorry; but yes I WAS too stunned to pull him up! I also do not like confrontation..!!

OP posts:
Lenald · 29/12/2022 13:03

ChecoPerez · 29/12/2022 12:46

MIL has been with her partner for around 10 years but only married at the start of this year. To be honest, we never really spent much time with them as they lived 150 miles from us, but moved in the summer and now in the next town.

So recently we have been spending more time with MIL and her new husband, more so since I had my DD this year, however, both me and DH have noticed that her husband is sexist.

He makes comments such as (in reference to female sports commentators) "what does SHE know about sport? Get her away! No women should ever be in (specific) area" of this sport.

We hosted them for Christmas Day dinner this year and at the end of the meal, he pipes up that he's away to sit and watch tv as the kitchen is a women's place for cooking and washing up etc.
what's worse, my DSD who is 11 asked her dad "why does he hate women? Is he always this nasty to them?".

These are just a few examples of what he's said. I could be here all day typing....

Yesterday we spoke to MIL and highlighted this to her and said that both me and DH are uncomfortable with his views and that DSD is picking up on it now which shouldn't be happening. She admitted he is sexist but just ignores it. I said to her that I don't want him in my house if he has such views and I don't want DSD being around it. DH agreed.

MIL sent us loads of texts last night saying we're being so nasty and unreasonable and that he can't help his views as he's European and was brought up like that!! (He's only 1/4 European). She says she's so hurt and she cannot believe we'd do something like this!

Were we being unreasonable in this approach? We cannot talk to him as he is so argumentative.

So far you haven’t spoken to him about this. I would start there. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to set boundaries within your own home.

If he can’t respect your boundaries then I guess there’s no choice not to come over.

Soothsayer1 · 29/12/2022 13:04

I would have him round but I would shoot him down in flames every time he opened his mouth and argue back very hard whatever he said

TeapotTitties · 29/12/2022 13:05

How are you going to ban him from your house if you 'don't like confrontation'?

If your (rightly) worried about your daughter hearing crap like this, she has to see you challenging it.

And that goes for sexism, racism, ableism and any other sort of reprehensible behaviour in her own home.

TeapotTitties · 29/12/2022 13:06

Soothsayer1 · 29/12/2022 13:04

I would have him round but I would shoot him down in flames every time he opened his mouth and argue back very hard whatever he said

This ^^

The OP's daughter needs to witness it.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/12/2022 13:06

He sounds awful and you’re 100% right to ban him.

Also, I’m not convinced that “Europeans” in general are more sexist - depends on the country and the individual I suppose - but if he’s only 1/4 from whatever country it’s a pretty rubbish excuse!

Original poster
ChecoPerez · 29/12/2022 13:06

TeapotTitties · 29/12/2022 13:05

How are you going to ban him from your house if you 'don't like confrontation'?

If your (rightly) worried about your daughter hearing crap like this, she has to see you challenging it.

And that goes for sexism, racism, ableism and any other sort of reprehensible behaviour in her own home.

We text MIL yesterday and said we don't want to be around someone with those views and would prefer if he didn't come over. DH sent a follow up text to say she should speak to him about it but she said she just ignores it.

I didn't speak to him directly or face to face. That's where I would stumble at the hurdle

OP posts:
Original poster
ChecoPerez · 29/12/2022 13:07

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/12/2022 13:06

He sounds awful and you’re 100% right to ban him.

Also, I’m not convinced that “Europeans” in general are more sexist - depends on the country and the individual I suppose - but if he’s only 1/4 from whatever country it’s a pretty rubbish excuse!

Exactly my point! Lol! And in my DHs view, she's just stereotyping!

OP posts:
Soothsayer1 · 29/12/2022 13:07

Invite me round to your house, I'll do it for you😈

1000yellowdaisies · 29/12/2022 13:08

Totally agree about banning him from your house, especially if he is upsetting Dd, its her home and it's dreadful he feels he can act that way.
Disagree with other posters tho, i wouldn't try and pull him up on every offensive statement. It's not your job to educate a grown man and it will be exhausting and likely fruitless if his still acting this way at his age.