AIBU banning MILs DH from our house?

[ChecoPerez]

MIL has been with her partner for around 10 years but only married at the start of this year. To be honest, we never really spent much time with them as they lived 150 miles from us, but moved in the summer and now in the next town.

So recently we have been spending more time with MIL and her new husband, more so since I had my DD this year, however, both me and DH have noticed that her husband is sexist.

He makes comments such as (in reference to female sports commentators) "what does SHE know about sport? Get her away! No women should ever be in (specific) area" of this sport.

We hosted them for Christmas Day dinner this year and at the end of the meal, he pipes up that he's away to sit and watch tv as the kitchen is a women's place for cooking and washing up etc.
what's worse, my DSD who is 11 asked her dad "why does he hate women? Is he always this nasty to them?".

These are just a few examples of what he's said. I could be here all day typing....

Yesterday we spoke to MIL and highlighted this to her and said that both me and DH are uncomfortable with his views and that DSD is picking up on it now which shouldn't be happening. She admitted he is sexist but just ignores it. I said to her that I don't want him in my house if he has such views and I don't want DSD being around it. DH agreed.

MIL sent us loads of texts last night saying we're being so nasty and unreasonable and that he can't help his views as he's European and was brought up like that!! (He's only 1/4 European). She says she's so hurt and she cannot believe we'd do something like this!

Were we being unreasonable in this approach? We cannot talk to him as he is so argumentative.

If you want you could try the phrase "Whatever gives you that idea?" as a challenge. Then let him answer, let him go on without interruption. When he stops, say nothing further. Hopefully this allows him the floor to make a complete tit of himself.

She should direct her comments to the misogynistic prick spouting sexist crap in her house.

Passive aggressive behaviour is childish and also not something I'd particularly want to model to my DD, when I could be teaching her how to handle the situation like an adult.

he's banned his wife and kids from talking to the female neighbours
who does he think he is.....that's not how things work in the UK!

That’s how I feel really. Why bend over backwards to reach some kind of accommodation with a guest who is trailing this slime all over the house? I urgently want that smart girleen to be whisked out of the ghastly man’s company for good. She’ll soon enough be tussling with such misogyny in the wide world, but it’s revolting to allow it in one’s own house.
The MIL can make her own decision: grandchild or husband, when it comes to family gatherings. She really shouldn’t demand that he be exempt from the very important standards of decency in the host’s house while he’s a guest, yet she does so, therefore she is making her choice about future contact, in my book.
The husband needs to be alert to the sensitivities of his daughter just as OP is, and to shield her from gross elements such as this horrid buffoon. She’s learning about sexual politics and that’s all to the good, but it needn’t be so very much in the flesh, and under her roof. That it probably means limiting visits from his mother (alone) is something he’ll have to work out himself.

The lot of them can pussyfoot around each other til Doomsday, were it not for the girl. She needs to be out of this man’s reach, his nasty influence.

That’s a bit Blue Peter though, isn’t it? Even Jackanory! I think some red mist outrage would clear the air, as he is ushered from the house for good.

Because if you say anything which even slightly disagrees with him, he talks over you and gets louder and louder and does not back down
he's just a horrible git, I wouldnt allow him in my home ever after reading more about his behaviour, why is she with this completely obnoxious person??
Has he a history of head injuries? He seems to have no self awareness or impulse control.

I agree it looks a but odd written down, so apologues. I have just found that ‘indirect but clear’ challenge can sometimes be effective with people who ‘fight fire with more fire’ when challenged directly. An opportunity to raise voices and shout is sometimes what they are really seeking. MiL knows this, which is why she choosing an ‘ignore’ strategy - but obviously that’s not modelling to DSD how unacceptable this really is.

Not unreasonable at all. Doesnt matter where they are from, they have outdated views that no longer have a place in society but unfortunately it really seems to be ramping up from lots and lots of men.

It's absolutely exhausting to continually challenge men with this attitude so to me, just stop them coming into your own space.

The less exposure to this for your daughter is good too as it shows her that it's not ok to talk about women this way and it's not normal.

unfortunately it really seems to be ramping up from lots and lots of men
I agree, they feel threatened because women can earn more these days and increasingly are finding their voice and seeing they don't have to subordinate themselves to men.
Men don't like it and are trying to slap us back down.
Too late lads, the horse has bolted, the ship has sailed, all us worms are out of the can and wriggling wherever we want to😄

But on the other hand, why should their child feel unsafe and upset in their own home and everyone else feel uncomfortable while he gets to continue to shout his mysoginistic bile all over the place, all so the Grandma isn't upset?

My in laws are not welcome in my home because they are down and out racists and frequently comment how black people ruin tv. This doesn't sit well with me as I am black (husband is white) and I want my home to remain our safe space.

If the MIL chooses to distance herself because she wants to be around someone like this, then that's on her and not everyone else in the family that's being hurt by his bile.

Agreed!!!!

I would have chucked a tea towel at him and pronounced come on fil I will wash you can dry and manhandled him into the kitchen trilling something shite like what a great team we are!

@AbreathofFrenchair
I'm so sorry that your inlaws are so, so..... 'backward' ...just awful, it's great that you've been able to stand your ground, but how awful, and embarrassing for your husband
wtf eh!?!

I agree wholeheartedly. Swapping racism for this thread’s theme of misogyny (rather than sexism, really) we can see how we pretty much know right from wrong with racism, so to speak, and can act accordingly (well, we’re at a stage of development and education where we certainly ought to)
But with misogyny, it’s still so often a case of tying ourselves in knots over it, and attempting to excuse, minimise, even acclimatise and accommodate.
It’s not on, and what’s more this is a new wave of the old crap, no matter what age this MIL’s partner is. He may be a dyed in the wool old buffer spouting notions that died out with black and white telly, but he’s also part of a much broader assault out there, with younger men ten times more vicious gaining traction and heading cultish groups of followers.
Now is not the time to forget that old saw about men fearing that we’ll laugh at them, and women fearing that men will kill us.
Any idea that a representative of this hatred be welcome in this family home, at a time of celebration, is barking. He and all his ilk are not fit society, any more than vile racists are.

Im very sorry indeed you’ve experienced all this from your in laws....but clinical excision is the right move.

YANBU. I would ban him too.
Whenever he speaks like that it would have been great if everybody began playing kazoo.

Whilst I do totally understand the idea of teaching your child to actively combat his views from some posters, I wouldn't tolerate outright racism in my home and in front of kids so why should misogyny be any different.

And shame on your MIL for ignoring it.

Ah - I have a trick for dealing with men like this.

Make "white noise", if he interupts you or tries to speak over you.
Literally say "blah, blah, blah, blah blah" or "shhhhhhhhhh shhhhhh" It doesnt have to be very loud, but it will unsettle him and cause him to lose his train of thought.

When he stops speaking, carry on with whatever you were saying, as if the whole thing never happened. If he asks you what you were doing just explain that you hadnt finished speaking, if he tries to make that the subject of the convo, just ignore and return to dealing with his misogyny.

A relative in our family is exactly like this. I've tried calling him out before but he just doubles down, and comes up with evidence to back up his views.

I don't have the time or inclination to read up on every controversial topic before I visit him (which is rarely) and I don't want to go NC as it would mean not seeing another relative I am very close to.

I have found the best approach is deathly silence, as I think he enjoys sparring with people.

It would have been better to simply limit time with him. Counter what he says. E.g. are you still in the medieval ages? We all do the washing up here.

This and say your comments aren’t welcome.

Yes absolutely ban him

As they've been together for 10 years, I presume you've encountered his ridiculous behaviour countless times? I know you said they've only just moved closer but why are you only taking a stand now?

Part of me would want to pull him up on it every time but part of me would just say we don't allow dinosaurs in the house.

Oh, FFS, don't be wet. This is for you and your husband to address - like adults - with the person who is responsible. This is not for your MIL to sort for you. Stop putting her in the middle because you don't like confrontation. Maybe she doesn't either?!

Maybe say to your MIL “ ok, we don’t want or upset you. In future you are both welcome but we will pick him up on his sexism EVERY SINGLE TIME he makes a comment”
you wouldn’t put up with racism and him using the ‘N’ word, but somehow sexism is still getting through.

Why would you invite him to your house ever again? He’s your MIL choice, but he’s not your job to persuade or challenge for his pathetic disrespectful views. Life’s too short to spend with people like this.