AIBU banning MILs DH from our house?

[ChecoPerez]

MIL has been with her partner for around 10 years but only married at the start of this year. To be honest, we never really spent much time with them as they lived 150 miles from us, but moved in the summer and now in the next town.

So recently we have been spending more time with MIL and her new husband, more so since I had my DD this year, however, both me and DH have noticed that her husband is sexist.

He makes comments such as (in reference to female sports commentators) "what does SHE know about sport? Get her away! No women should ever be in (specific) area" of this sport.

We hosted them for Christmas Day dinner this year and at the end of the meal, he pipes up that he's away to sit and watch tv as the kitchen is a women's place for cooking and washing up etc.
what's worse, my DSD who is 11 asked her dad "why does he hate women? Is he always this nasty to them?".

These are just a few examples of what he's said. I could be here all day typing....

Yesterday we spoke to MIL and highlighted this to her and said that both me and DH are uncomfortable with his views and that DSD is picking up on it now which shouldn't be happening. She admitted he is sexist but just ignores it. I said to her that I don't want him in my house if he has such views and I don't want DSD being around it. DH agreed.

MIL sent us loads of texts last night saying we're being so nasty and unreasonable and that he can't help his views as he's European and was brought up like that!! (He's only 1/4 European). She says she's so hurt and she cannot believe we'd do something like this!

Were we being unreasonable in this approach? We cannot talk to him as he is so argumentative.

But that's the whole point; you neither need to tolerate this nor give him anything to thrive on

Obviously creating a row will feed his dreadful behaviour, but it's all in the tone ... stay polite and calm with some gently voiced comment like "We don't speak like that in this house" repeated as necessary, and you really leave him with nothing to say

Unless he's goes into full attack mode of course, but as mentioned that would simply enable you to ban him outright, and perhaps more important give MIL no excuse to argue

Buy an airhorn. Every time the twat tries to talk over you, sound it until he shuts up.

Haha...!! Good idea, however, I think my cats would all have kittens!

No it’s not that at all.

but the G’fathers statement about women’s work reflects on the dad if he is seen to silently permit it whilst the woman has to be the one to argue against it. Particularly if he doesn’t actually do any flipping clearing up whilst the women do. OP can shout against him too but I’d be bloody annoyed if my DH let that ride in front of his own daughter.

The daughter will (hopefully) have had 11 years of seeing her dad wash up and do the housework though, so that would never land with her.

This is what I mean about modelling good behavior.

Just say to MIL "it's interesting you're so preoccupied with how 'nasty' we are and not with how god damn awful your husband is". Go NC and get on with your lives.

And why should you have to have confrontation in your own home? It’s not a war zone.
He’s ignorant, I’ll mannered and sexist. You’ve spoken to MIL, told her he’s not welcome in your home again. End of.
She’s married to him so can point out why he’s no longer invited to your home.

The woman is the target so yes, she has to stand up against it. I am an immigrant woman. Trust me, you need to stand up for yourself and learn it quick. Luckily my mother wouldn't take shit so I had a good model.

What I am saying is that one side of argument could be that it's showing the daughter she needs man to stand up for her when other man is nasty.

It's bit fucked up situation, isn't it. Especially since everyone kept quiet.

Were we being unreasonable in this approach? We cannot talk to him as he is so argumentative.

Sure, you can talk to him.
If he then wants to make it an argument - out he goes. (Or you leave, if you're at mum's). Every time.

It was pointless raising it with your mum. She married him - she doesn't care that he's sexist. even if she suddenly decided to start caring, he's not going to listen to her, a woman, & change his ways, is he?

You & DH (& DD if she's in earshot) should present a united front & tell him you won't tolerate his shit-talk in your home. Don't plan it out, don;t present him with a lecture - just raise it ad hoc every time his misogyny falls out of his mouth. Your DD needs to witness this, she needs BOTH her parents role modelling how to deal with sexist claptrap.

All you've done about it so far is decide you "cant" challenge him, & put the onus on MiL - a woman - to deal with it for you.

That's not a good life lesson for DD. She obviously has her head screwed on, given her "why does he hate women?" comments - show her that she is RIGHT to question it, that she does not have to copy her grandma & "ignore" it, & that her parents will back her all the way in challenging it, & dealing with the consequences of that challenge.

Well you won't be stunned next time will you, now you know what's coming.

"It's not funny, & I won't tolerate that talk in my house."

When he keeps talking - get his coat, hand it to him, & tell him to leave.

You said you don't like confontation (here's a hint - nobody does. It's just necessary sometimes).
But do you prefer hearing sexism in your own home?
Having your girls hear it?

He talks over you all & gets louder because he's a bully who thinks you will back down.
Stop proving him right.

& start working on your own assertiveness. You owe it to yourself, you also owe it to your daughters. www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208

Have you considered a sharp knee to the knackers at all? 😈

Simply telling someone not to share opinions like that in your home in front of your child, is not confrontation.

It's adult conversation.

I'd have laughed, chucked him a pair of marigolds, pointed him to the kitchen and told him it's man's work in your house. There's plenty of these dinosaurs still about. Getting all peal clutchy and offended just re-enforces their views. Laughing at them is far more effective.

It IS a good idea.

If you think you can't do it because of cats, try substituting the airhorn with your own voice.

You are too scared of his verbal escalation to challenge him - so he just keeps on bullying you. You need to completely change tack & persist until he backs down, or leaves.

"Oy - no sexist talk in my home. I said stop it. Do not raise your voice to me. You're still doing it so it's time for you to leave. I said leave, I meant it - get out. Get out NOW. If you are not out of the front door by the time I've called the police, they will remove you for me."

Prioritise his feelings and fuck yours.

Nice.

There's no reason at all you should accept that.

I understand you not wanting to alienate your MIL, however she has chosen to marry this man. You haven't told her she's unwelcome. She can choose to see you alone or to get him to reign his behaviour in around you.

You can choose who to have in your house. I agree that it's not healthy for his views and behaviour to go unchallenged around your dsd. So either you (and your dh) challenge every time he does or says something objectionable, or he doesn't come. If he doesn't listen to you, then you (and your dh) tell him to leave and explain that it is because you find his views/behaviour rude.

I agree with this. And if you’re referring to a country bordering Austria and Switzerland beginning with I, our family included a lovely man from there who cooked, cleaned (including bathrooms) and washed up.

Excellent advice. Can’t see it happening, but it’d be so satisfying to observe, and the young girl would love it too! ✊🏼
(This makes my picture a new superhero/Ghostbusters type of crew, needed for just these family problems. “Who You Gonna Call? Greenham Sisters!!” Terrify the blighter with some old school feminists in a wild, snarling group, who’ll see him off all the way to the nearest unpleasant pub, or Conservative Club.)

One way to address this with DSD and your DH is to talk about his views to them, in front of him, but not to him. ‘DSD, that’s a real example of sexism, isn’t it? Sex discrimination is illegal now, but some very old / ignorant /old fashioned [whichever he would find most irritating to be described as] people are still occasionally sexist, and it’s really important that we notice it and point it out. I think it’s only fair that we leave him to do the washing up / switch channels to a film we’d prefer / go and do something nice by ourselves since he’s said something so rude and so wrong. Let’s go….’

It will be more effective if the 3 of you can leave the room or do something ‘actively different’ at this point, so any intimidating shouting is to the empty air.

No, she doesn't. How could you possibly think that, and worse, correct the OP, incorrectly?

I would imagine that would make the child feel really uncomfortable and 'dragged in' to adult arguments.

in that case she should direct same comments to another adult!

Thirty years ago my neighbour was married to an Italian he was like this. I took the mick out of him in a gentle way but making it clear that he was a dinosaur. He took it in

Nowadays we have another neighbour who is married to a Pakistani. I tried the dinosaur humorous approach he's banned his wife and kids from talking to the female neighbours. Sense of humour bypass and he's a young man compared to me. Even OH can't stand his sexist remarks now.

So there are degrees of sexism,. Pull him up on it @ChecoPerez