AIBU banning MILs DH from our house?

[ChecoPerez]

MIL has been with her partner for around 10 years but only married at the start of this year. To be honest, we never really spent much time with them as they lived 150 miles from us, but moved in the summer and now in the next town.

So recently we have been spending more time with MIL and her new husband, more so since I had my DD this year, however, both me and DH have noticed that her husband is sexist.

He makes comments such as (in reference to female sports commentators) "what does SHE know about sport? Get her away! No women should ever be in (specific) area" of this sport.

We hosted them for Christmas Day dinner this year and at the end of the meal, he pipes up that he's away to sit and watch tv as the kitchen is a women's place for cooking and washing up etc.
what's worse, my DSD who is 11 asked her dad "why does he hate women? Is he always this nasty to them?".

These are just a few examples of what he's said. I could be here all day typing....

Yesterday we spoke to MIL and highlighted this to her and said that both me and DH are uncomfortable with his views and that DSD is picking up on it now which shouldn't be happening. She admitted he is sexist but just ignores it. I said to her that I don't want him in my house if he has such views and I don't want DSD being around it. DH agreed.

MIL sent us loads of texts last night saying we're being so nasty and unreasonable and that he can't help his views as he's European and was brought up like that!! (He's only 1/4 European). She says she's so hurt and she cannot believe we'd do something like this!

Were we being unreasonable in this approach? We cannot talk to him as he is so argumentative.

Of course he can help it. He sounds awful and I would only let him anywhere near a child if I was able to combat every single thing he said. We have an aunt like this, racist and sexist. I refuse to let kids grow up hearing it and thinking its accepted so its a constant "no that's not a nice thing to say" "that's not true" "let's not talk like that right now"
So either you sign yourself up for some fights, in which case he'll soon stop coming any way because how dare you, a woman, talk back to him. Or tell MIL that you will only see her because (since she thinks he's like this because he was told this stuff as a child and now has no control over how he behaves) she doesn't want her grandchildren growing up believing that stuff, does she. So they can't be around it.

I agree it would be exhausting to pull him up on every single point, just keep saying you're full of s* mate, shut your face .....on repeat

I think it's the job of both parents to model good behaviour.

And allowing anyone to speak like that in the family home, rather than (even gently) pulling that person up, is not modelling good behaviour.

I can't see the OP and her husband wanting their daughter to grow up, allowing people to do that in her home when she gets one.

God no, I wouldn’t want any child to be exposed to those comments. Definitely don’t have him over.

Well if the idiot will not listen to you perhaps he might pay attention when he is not invited to your house ever again OP !

It is certainly not the case that all Europaeans are sexist! I presume they mean Continental Europaeans, as the UK is geographically part of Europe, Brexit or no Brexit. In any case, it's going to depend on the specific country, and even more on the individual.

I think your DD has his measure.

Just shut him down when he goes on (whilst pointing out he's a guest in your home)

I had to think carefully about this because I would, personally, probably kill him! So my instinct would be to say that you aren't being unreasonable to ban him, but....

I actually don't agree with myself!!! In the first place, given that this would almost certainly alienate MIL, and you seem to have no reason to want to do that, that is harming her, yourselves and your children. I'd also have to say that I don't think being "European" has much to do with it - I frequently comes across English born men with similar attitudes (and actually women too!). The reality is that your daughter is going to come acriss plenty of sexist men and women who agree with them in her life, and "avoidance" isn't an answer. And despite her age if she is already picking up on this then I would be having that conversation with her.

So I think that leaves you with two options. You either roll your eyes and ignore, to keep the peace. Or you call him out - every time he says something your don't like you tell him that you do not accept such comments or behaviour in your home, and he is expected to respect YOUR choices; how he acts in his own home is his choice and if you are visiting then that is his call, but in your home he will respect your rules or he will be told to leave. And you follow through.

You make a very good point about alienating MIL... definitely points to consider....

Can't believe she tried to blame it on his upbringing - so he's so stupid he hasn't done ANY thinking on if it's okay to think women are lesser than you since then?
I'd have him in the house but pull him up every time and have a conversation with the DDs afterwards to make sure they are okay. If the confrontation gets too much, he can stop it or not come.

What's worse, my DSD who is 11 asked her dad "why does he hate women? Is he always this nasty to them?"

It's true she shouldn't be subjected to this sort of filth, but actually I'd take that as a positive - and well done for raising her to see this for what it is

For now I'd go with calmly and politely asking him not to speak like that in your home; I'd also do it in front of MIL every time and refuse to be drawn further, simply repeating the request if he persists
If he then carries on ignoring and talking over you, or worse still abuses you personally, at least she'll have nothing to whine about if you ban him

Worse if the girl were a boy, really, witnessing this git being allowed to rule the roost in this offensive manner, and seeing his grandmother actually choose to marry a man like this, though knowing all about his reprehensible attitudes. He’d read all that as a guide to success.
A very dicey lesson for a boy to absorb: he might turn out as another appalling Andrew Tate, under that influence!

This! If I banned everyone from home whose views I disagreed with on one subject or another, well there wouldn't be many visitors. One of the best gifts you can give kids is the ability to think critically for themselves and politely challenge things which they know are wrong,

Perhaps this man says these things because no one has ever challenged him? It's not too late for him to see the error of his ways.

So, I think it’s unfair you are putting responsibility of this on your MIL and putting her in the middle.

She accepts his behaviour, which is her right to do, I don’t agree with it personally but it’s her call. You do not accept his behaviour, you and DH are adults, how ever awkward you may feel it is up to you & your husband to put boundaries in, DH is way to old to have his Mother advocate for him.

You may not like confrontation but you are going to burn many more bridges and cause many more problems the way you and DH are doing things.

Talk to him directly, don’t put MIL in the middle, she’s not responsible for him.

He sounds like an absolute fool but I'd prefer to ridicule and roll my eyes out him and show my DSD how to handle such dinosaurs, rather than create a huge rift by an outright ban.

This is the thing. She needs to hear clear counter-arguments put forward by intelligent adults, in order to learn these skills herself.

Learning intelligent debate will help her through life, being taught it's 'confrontation' (when it isn't) won't help her at all.

I agree with @SomethingOriginal2
there are only 2 ways: you’ll challenge him very time and he’ll be annoyed and (hopefully) will stop coming or you tell MIL only to @come without him.
I actually think that the second way is better and easier for her because the first one might end up in a really big fight and then he will tell her not to come to you and she’ll be in a difficult position herself.

I wonder if he kept his primitive views to himself before they were married?
I agree with previous posters who say you should calmly and politely call him out in front of his wife and everyone else this will embarrassing just enough but won't give him any grounds to attack you
I wouldn't be able to hold back and I would hard humiliate him, that's why he wouldn't try it with me 😈

the offensive people I’ve had to come across in life have been really good at arguing and/or shutting down the conversation. It’s why they get confident in being the way they are. They even thrive on the confrontation.

Possibly because people like the OP and her husband won't argue with them.

That can give them a false sense of 'being right'.

He is a bully and if no one stands up to him he will escalate and likely end up being abusive to his wife, you are doing the mother-in-law a favour by standing up to him and possibly giving her the tools to question him herself

Talk to him directly, don’t put MIL in the middle, she’s not responsible for him

Exactly

It's true I'd think less of her for tolerating brutish behaviour like this, but the real fault lies with him and that's who I'd be taking it up with
If she wants to put herself in the firing line by defending him that's her choice, but yours is not to tolerate his filth and that's equally - or even more - valid

She's not 'standing up to him'.

She hid behind both her MIL and a text.

This is my worry...

I don’t think it’s worth causing a rift over. Nicknaming him Dinosaur Dave every time she says something daft and rolling your eyes might work better than attempting reason. Also point out to your daughter in front of him that in the olden days quite a few people used to think like that but fortunately that attitude is dying out as the older generation give way to a more educated and enlightened generation!

You might not like confrontation but the kids come first. You all need to shut him down. There's adverts about this behaviour on telly. Tell MIL she's welcome anytime but her dh isn't till he grows up. Your kids, your house, your rules. Everyone deserves respect in their own home.