AIBU banning MILs DH from our house?

[ChecoPerez]

MIL has been with her partner for around 10 years but only married at the start of this year. To be honest, we never really spent much time with them as they lived 150 miles from us, but moved in the summer and now in the next town.

So recently we have been spending more time with MIL and her new husband, more so since I had my DD this year, however, both me and DH have noticed that her husband is sexist.

He makes comments such as (in reference to female sports commentators) "what does SHE know about sport? Get her away! No women should ever be in (specific) area" of this sport.

We hosted them for Christmas Day dinner this year and at the end of the meal, he pipes up that he's away to sit and watch tv as the kitchen is a women's place for cooking and washing up etc.
what's worse, my DSD who is 11 asked her dad "why does he hate women? Is he always this nasty to them?".

These are just a few examples of what he's said. I could be here all day typing....

Yesterday we spoke to MIL and highlighted this to her and said that both me and DH are uncomfortable with his views and that DSD is picking up on it now which shouldn't be happening. She admitted he is sexist but just ignores it. I said to her that I don't want him in my house if he has such views and I don't want DSD being around it. DH agreed.

MIL sent us loads of texts last night saying we're being so nasty and unreasonable and that he can't help his views as he's European and was brought up like that!! (He's only 1/4 European). She says she's so hurt and she cannot believe we'd do something like this!

Were we being unreasonable in this approach? We cannot talk to him as he is so argumentative.

If he continues to be invited the atmosphere is going to be unpleasant, no one will look forward to the visits or enjoy it. What's the point?

Would your MIL make excuses for him if he was racist? It’s no different.

Being a 25% mainland European (Italian?) doesn't make you sexist. I say that as a 100% European person.

I have family members like this. If avoiding him altogether is difficult, I'd counter every remark by giving context for your children the moment he makes it e.g. 'DD, MIL's bf is being very old-fashioned, fortunately these days we've realised X is complete nonsense. Shall we go watch the football?'. So don't engage directly but set a good example.

I don't want to say which country in case it's too outing, but not far from these borders.... Monaco, Switzerland, Austria....

So, he's 1/4 Italian then? You are right that's really outing with people of Italian heritage being so very rare un the UK.

Perhaps his sexism comes from the continent the other 3/4 of him is from?

Talk to him directly, don’t put MIL in the middle, she’s not responsible for him

This is how grown ups handle things.

I think the late childhood of your daughter must be protected from his frightful personality. God knows how his views would settle into a young mind, and twist a girl’s self belief. She’s going to need every bit of confidence and fight she can muster just to get by at all, so a malign influence such as this man’s should be banned from her vicinity, I reckon.
Frankly, this is on your mother, not you, as she must surely recognise the harm she is selfishly willing to shower on her granddaughter. Her husband isn’t ‘Grandad’, is he? Can you not explain to your mother that the risk to your daughter’s equilibrium is just too great, so from now on family bashes will be managed in such a way as to make sure the girl doesn’t come into contact with him....in whatever way this may be arranged!
As for him, no explanation or apology. He’s just excluded from certain gatherings and he can come up with whatever reasons he likes, if your mother cannot put him straight on these things. (I’m uneasy about her influence, to be honest. This young girl needs to be encouraged in her growth, not diminished by an older woman who doesn’t think her husband’s misogyny is a problem)
I’m sorry to be so cross about it all. I’m just so sad these days to see how girls and young women are still struggling to be respected and valued, as though the past fifty years of activism had never happened, while so many men are still indulged in Stone Age attitudes. 💪🏼

Frankly, this is on your mother, not you

What's OP's poor mum got to do with all this?

Frankly, this is on your mother, not you, as she must surely recognise the harm she is selfishly willing to shower on her granddaughter.

What sexist nonsense.

Why must it always be 'on' the woman when a man behaves appallingly? 😡

This is on the man only....the man who chose to be a sexist arse in someone else's home.

My apologies, OP. In my haste I’m mistaking the facts: I mean, your mother in law of course.

I’m just so sad these days to see how girls and young women are still struggling to be respected and valued, as though the past fifty years of activism had never happened, while so many men are still indulged in Stone Age attitudes. 💪🏼

And the irony of that ^^ is actually painful 🙄

Either he changes his guest behaviour/manners, or he can't come to yours . Simple choice

Surely any MCP is competent to decide for himself? His wife's a mere doormat to wipe his feet on, her view doesn't count.

As his doormat, DM must accept and respect his ruling without whining and complaining to you.... because she is a mere woman, subservient to his male omnipotence.

LOL.

Life is too short to have to endure idiots like the MIL's sexist husband in your own home. Why should you be forced to provide food and drink to the idiot who sits there spouting his offensive views, that basically belittles all the females of the household, whilst at the same time enjoying their hospitality. Nah, fuck that, we have been putting up with that shit for waaay too long.

Your home, your rules, he is barred, end of.

I mean simply that the responsibility for bringing this influence into OP’s life is MIL’s, not OP’s, but of course the former isn’t to blame for the man’s behaviour. That’s not what I said.

Nevertheless, I do feel that MIL, being much more closely entwined in the family, can be charged with some degree of negligence here. His presence might just as easily be one of wild drunkenness or destructive anger, and she has been the conduit for it, in introducing it into the family.
But of course I’m not saying it’s women’s work to clear up or in any other way mediate men’s messes.
It’s just a shame that we have anything to do with such creatures, is all, and by accommodating them, we permit their toxicity flourish. I firmly believe that where certain male behaviour is concerned, radical separatism is the necessary response.

I’d give it one more go with the consequences made clear. It is right that your DD sees this isn’t tolerated behaviour, so I wouldn’t ban him but deal with it head on. There are people with unpopular opinions etc in the world who may be part of the family. What would your approach be if he was your bio dad!? You or DH could simply pick him up instantly the next time he makes these comments in your house and politely explain that if he didn’t keep his views to himself and stop being rude about women (whether he thinks they’re bad sports commentators or whatever it is or not) then you will ask him to leave/wait in the car. Repeat. He will get the message eventually with any luck.

Just stop it please.

The only person responsible for any of this is the misogynistic prick, who decided to run his mouth off in someone else's home.

Just him and him alone.

Plus some of the replies on here are not what people would say if he was racist.

So because one set of his great grandparents is French, your mother in law thinks it's alright for him to act the misogynist? No. Being French (or another country if I've got your border hint wrong) does not make you a sexist bastard.

I agree with other posters that this has put your MIL right in the middle of things and may cause a big family rift.

I am probably more of an age with your MIL, and would say that this crap is what a lot of us were bought up with. It’s only the recent number of years that it’s become so unacceptable. I’ve upped my feminism and I am now ready to call out this misogyny. Not everyone my age will feel the same.

My first question is do you like your MILs Dh? If you don’t like him at all, then you won’t be sinking any boats if you contact him directly. I’d say do it in writing, so he can’t talk over you.

Quite likely, if he’s the arse you say he is, he’ll take offence and won’t visit you anymore. The tone of the letter you write could reflect how much you want to offend him. You may or may not worry too how this will affect your Mils marriage generally. This is really up to you and your Dh.

If you think you could cope with if he would just shut up with the comments, then you could again write to him, but be as diplomatic as you can but putting firm house rules in. I think your right to not hear him is a much as your DDs. It also shows your MIL that you are trying to give him a chance.

And that is really, what you have possibly failed to do, give him a chance before banning him and why your MIL feels put on the spot.

If you allow him to come again after speaking/writing to him directly and he does come but misbehaves, then your Mil won’t feel so put into a tight corner, which could be why she is ignoring the texts.

It is difficult to cast aside years of being polite, but men like him don’t care about the niceties, and you sometimes have to be really, really firm before they get it into their thick brains.

Glad to read that your DH agrees. Your decision is a good one.

It’s clear I shouldn’t engage further, but just to bring this dialogue to a close I’d say that we are surely both on the same side, but my clumsy diatribe must be ambiguous.
The fact that the person to whom this man is attached is a woman is beside the main point, which would stand if the man has been brought back to the house by an uncle. Viz: It’s rude to inflict someone’s crass behaviour on your hosts, and then persist in it as of right.
As for MIL qua femina, it’s mostly that she wants her head examined, really.

Anyway: pax.

Why don't you speak to him, and tell him he's not welcome?
Why have you left it to your MIL to deal with?

You're happy to banish people from your home because you don't like their opinions, but haven't got the confidence to tell him yourselves?

🙄🙄🙄

Fair chance he’s that too! (OP should elicit his opinion of recent female presidents of Ireland, perhaps)

I’d be disappointed in DH if this were me.

when the husband said about not washing up as it’s women’s work I would want DH to say we ‘no it isn’t and those sorts of ridiculous views aren’t welcome here so either you come with me to clean and wash up or don’t be coming back here for a meal’ . That would show his DD (your DSD) that it isn’t acceptable.

Anyway he sounds awful so I’d happily be saying I didn’t want him over again.

That raises another women issue of "do we always need prince on white horse to come and save us when someone is bad to us?".

Because if you say anything which even slightly disagrees with him, he talks over you and gets louder and louder and does not back down. MIL knows this is what he is like but chooses to ignore it...