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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask do ALL parents feel happy for adult dc to visit them for as long as they want to ?

125 replies

Lighterdaysareahead · 28/12/2022 22:37

Have seen on mumsnet that it seems to be the consensus that adult dc are welcome when ever they like , that its their ‘Home’ etc. .. even though they are adults with their own jobs, homes .

In rl , I know many parents who love their adult dc , love them visiting, but equally cant wait, at the end of the visit ,for them to go !!!. One of my friend's says for example, ‘ Its great when they come , its great when they go ‘.

On mumsnet it really seems that it is not acceptable to want your adult child to have their own ‘ psychological’ adult home, that the parental home will always be their home, that they are always welcome .. but in rl I know many parents who don't feel that .. that a couple of nights is ok , but other than that its too long , that they want their own space again .

Obviously , return home for emergencies is without question Nephew is in mid twenties . Works , saves to travel, returns to uk with no money.. lives with parents again for a month or two as has nowhere to live or job , gets a flat and repeats . This accommodation by parents would not be done a generation ago ?

I remember never being allowed a house key, I had to ask to visit after university.. but then I am
old !

So , aibu to ask if everyone with the mumsnet Has this my home is my adult dcs home approach or do some parents with adult dc actually like their space and set boundaries around it ? … Encouraging adult dc to take on this perspective ?

OP posts:
Buckland123 · 28/12/2022 22:42

I did what your nephew did back in the 90s. Well into my 20s before I settled down. I think that until you have your own place/family it’s not an issue if there’s enough space & parents haven’t downsized, but beyond then I’d imagine it’s for emergencies only!

Original poster
Lighterdaysareahead · 28/12/2022 22:49

I am also meaning things like staying for 2 weeks in the summer , expecting it to be , without question ,ok , rather than asking the parents ‘ permission.

Thinking that they can stay for as long as they like etc ( whereas I had to ask if it was ok to go and only for a short while when I left home) , assuming can stay for the whole of Christmas and into the new year, all of easter and the following week on leave etc ..

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 28/12/2022 22:50

A couple of nights is too short, but better than nothing if that’s all they’ve got time for. A couple of weeks is lovely.

We did recently have one of ours at home for 6 months (visited just before first lockdown, then stuck for a bit, then better for him to stay and work remotely, than go back to his flat to be socially isolated) and I loved it. I think he was itching to get away by the end but he’s much too nice to say so.

It is nice to get your house back once they’ve gone, and we have our own full lives, and I would be worried if they didn’t have their own full and independent lives, but, ah, I do love having them under my roof for a good chunk of time.

Greatly · 28/12/2022 22:52

As long as they have their own transport, money and keys then they are welcome to stay as long as they like.

Original poster
Lighterdaysareahead · 28/12/2022 22:53

I am asking this , because a few parents in real life do not want adult kids back for any chunk of time. It is not that they don't get on , it s just that they have got used to their own space .
I feel ashamed to admit that I feel like that . A week and I want my house back . I feel
like its taboo to say it / feel that way .

OP posts:
Original poster
Lighterdaysareahead · 28/12/2022 22:54

So far , its just me then , and people I know in real life ( who love their dc of course!)

OP posts:
Wakk · 28/12/2022 22:54

I love it when mine come back. They don't ask, they just tell me when they're going to be at the station.

Nothing better than having all my DCs under our roof.

Original poster
Lighterdaysareahead · 28/12/2022 22:56

Great ! But don't you love your new life with a quiet house , dh .. etc though? No one ?

OP posts:
BIWI · 28/12/2022 22:58

We currently have one of our DC back with us semi-permanently. Because of the pandemic they lost their job, which also meant moving out of their flat, and so coming home to us. Ideally I'd prefer them to be in their own place, but I'm also relieved/happy that they're safe and protected (financially) by being back with us.

Things are very different in that regard from when I was that age.

I would hate it if either of mine felt that they had to ask if they could come home.

Itsthewhitehat · 28/12/2022 22:59

only my eldest is an adult. I don’t expect her to ask permission to stay. But I like to be made aware of plans.

I want her to have her own adult home, that she calls home. But also my home will always have room for and be her back up, until I am no longer here. It’s possible to have 2 homes. People do it all the time.
I am happy for her to stay as long as she needs or wants.

sheepdogdelight · 28/12/2022 23:00

I don't know any adults past, say, their mid twenties, that visit their parents for extended periods of time unless they live so far away that a short visit is impossible (so they might visit for a week once a year, for example).

Although I also don't know many adults with their own homes and families who still consider their parents' house as "home" but that seems to be a very common thing on MN.

dutysuite · 28/12/2022 23:01

My mother loves us staying but my father can’t wait to have his house back…he has always been like this ever since we were children he was forever talking about the day we’d all be moving out. It was drummed into me that I’d be living home at 18.

Greatly · 28/12/2022 23:01

Lighterdaysareahead · 28/12/2022 22:56

Great ! But don't you love your new life with a quiet house , dh .. etc though? No one ?

Yes, but happy to enjoy that when it happens. In 10 years it will be permanent and then I'll probably be a bit sad.

HelenHywater · 28/12/2022 23:01

Do you have grown up DC Op?

Mine are still at university and I love them coming back. I think when they have partners and a permanent home, then I'll think differently (and so will they probably), but for now, they come back when they want to - they don't have to ask, they have keys and they're welcome anytime for as long as they want.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 28/12/2022 23:02

@Lighterdaysareahead , mine would certainly ask whether it was OK, but at the same time I’m sure they know that it’d be out of the question for us to say no. As I hope they are well aware, they will always be welcome here.

Tunnocks2022 · 28/12/2022 23:02

I think my DPs would be happy for my siblings and I to stay for weeks…but not my DC which I guess is understandable, one in particular is lovely but hard work (adhd) and my DPs are used to a very peaceful house. Off home to my not-peaceful house tomorrow.

AnnieSnap · 28/12/2022 23:02

Mine adults children are all totally settled in their own home, but like you and your friends, when they were younger adults ‘it was nice when they came and great when they left’. Adult Children’s lifestyles are very different to their parents and once mine had been gone for a long time, their music, other noise and mess jarred. It felt like having a messy guest, not the child they used to be.

Glitterandcard · 28/12/2022 23:04

My parents feel that way OP. They love us, help us out with stuff, they’d be there in an emergency but they’d never want any of us to live with them again and their home is definitely not mine and hasn’t been since I was in my early twenties. I have a key, but it’s for emergencies/pre arranged visits, not for me to treat their house as mine. I can’t imagine they’d even want us to stay for a couple of weeks, but then I’ve got kids in tow now and though they adore them they can only deal with them in relatively small doses.

It’s fair enough, I imagine I’ll feel similar once my children have flown the nest. It feels like a natural evolution of the parent child relationship- we’re all now competent adults living our own lives.

BaublesandBangles · 28/12/2022 23:04

They can stay as long as they like. My home will always be their home.

HeddaGarbled · 28/12/2022 23:04

I suppose it’s a question of balance, and where your balance lies. So, yes, it’s nice to have a quiet and tidy house, most of the time. But my enjoyment of their company would trump that for a lot longer than 2 days.

Olivetreebutter · 28/12/2022 23:04

We can do just about a week with my parents and then it's time to go by mutual agreement 🤣 they always say we are welcome whenever but if we made noises about a long term stay (or longer than ten days) I think they'd get twitchy and suggest other possibilities.
I've got a key and I'd never not be welcome in an emergency but for the sake of our relationship (which is good) I'd do anything I could not to move back in.

dancinfeet · 28/12/2022 23:04

my DDs are late teens (at uni) and 23 and are always welcome back at any time for as long or short a stay as they want. They are both very independent and live at the opposite end of the country to me but this comes with t us reassurance that my door will always be open to them as and whenever they need / want it to be.

edwinbear · 28/12/2022 23:05

We’ve just stayed with my in laws over Christmas. We arrived about 5pm on 22nd and left mid-morning on 27th. They love having us, are wonderful hosts, we have a fabulous time and they adore spending time with their GC. But much more than 4-5 days and it’s exhausting for them. The house is a mess the kids are well behaved and polite (13 & 11 so not toddlers), but they are still used to the peace and quiet of just the two of them.

BaublesandBangles · 28/12/2022 23:05

Of course they all have keys.

Original poster
Lighterdaysareahead · 28/12/2022 23:06

Sheepdogdelight

Ahh ! so you recognise my perspective .

Yes , on mumsnet it seems a parents house is a adult child with their own homes, home .

One poster says that the adults turn up at the station to be picked up and dont seem to have to even arrange it ..would hate that ..i like more knowing whats going on .

OP posts:
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